You can’t demand a person forgive when their powerful abuser hasn’t repented

Jesus is always a breath of fresh air, even as by the Holy Spirit we’re convicted to do what repentance demands — to face the people and situations in our lives that deserved better so that all may walk free of whatever bondage impales us.[1]

Jesus never requires us to wed with bondage.  It’s always freedom to which we’re invited.

There is a bondage that Christians may become entrapped in and it surrounds the issue of forgiveness.  I want to suggest it isn’t what you may think it is.

A heinous and abusive theology has abounded

An abusive theology around forgiveness has made its rounds in the past five or so decades.

That sinful theology proceeds from the thought that whatever sin a person does to us, forgiveness is required of us; to let them off the hook, no matter what they’ve done, no matter whether the perpetrator of the sin owns it or not.

That’s right.  Forgiveness has been required of the survivor even if they’ve been abused (bearing zero percent weight of contribution) and the perpetrator of the abusive act refuses to acknowledge it and therefore does not repent of it.

Worse, many times the perpetrator prospers, and the survivor of the abuse has their life seriously curtailed; not truly because of ‘bitterness’ but more accurately, because their abuser’s wilful heart has poured contempt on the Holy Spirit in that abused person.  (How many have walked away from the faith because of unreconciled abuse?!)  It might be said that the ‘Christian perpetrator’ will not themselves be forgiven by God (Deuteronomy 29:17-19; Mark 3:28-29).

If there is anything that commands our attention as far as living right with our brothers and sisters, it’s what we stand to experience when we MEET our God and can no longer refuse to acknowledge the truth.

But the knowledge of this is spurned by the Christian perpetrator, and in that very act they deny their faith in God — they may as well be saying, “I don’t believe I’ll ever need to account for this!”  There could not be a more commanding example of folly.  All face God, eventually.

Now the blight that is on this church is this: the abusive theology has preferred to favour the wicked and it is abhorrent in God’s sight.

Let’s explore the biblical Joseph

God has directed my thinking of late to the story of Joseph in Genesis 45.  First of all, I was directed to that polarising text in Genesis 50:15-21.  Really these two passages couldn’t speak to one another more.

As Christians we hear people speak of the Joseph account of Genesis 37, 39-50 as kind of a prooftext that God can work in a heart (Joseph’s in this case) and can cause a person (anyone) to forgive a perpetrator.

But with Joseph’s narrative a case in point, I think we might find that forgiveness for Joseph — at least from an abuse survivor’s perspective — is a fait accompli.  For Joseph, a man abused by more than one group of people, we can see why forgiveness is possible.

Before I unpack why, I want to suggest that nobody understands how impossibly difficult forgiveness of an unrepentant perpetrator is for a survivor until they have been abused to such a degree that they asked for none of it and absolutely no justice has yet been (or may ever be) done.

I suggest it merely because those who haven’t had these experiences may struggle to comprehend it and may find it to be excuse-making.  The latter couldn’t be further from the truth!

The issues for Joseph were that he was the one who had come into great power — his abusive brothers who had been in the power role had since been rendered powerless.  That doesn’t always occur in life, and I would suggest that RARELY does it happen that the tables are turned; the powerless becoming powerful and vice versa.  This is a nuance that must be taken into account, because it is comparatively easy to forgive someone who pleads for our mercy.  What about cases where there is no such pleading; where there is no repentance and no seeking of forgiveness?

Another important issue for Joseph is that he could see God’s purpose in his suffering, or at least he could by the time his brothers cowered before him.  And of the issue of Potiphar’s wife and that wicked imprisonment, there again is a purpose in that; the deciphering of Pharaoh’s dream.

Being able to see God’s purpose in our suffering will get us through anything.  But for many survivors of abuse there is no such purpose to be seen — it feels senseless.  This propounds the issues of an abuser’s contempt for their God, which is the sort of blasphemy that sets the perpetrator at odds with God’s forgiveness.

There is possibly more to see in this Joseph account that instructs us that this is not a fair biblical example to cast upon the situation of the survivor of unreconciled abuse.

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I just want to say this, having built the above context.  I don’t know any survivor of abuse, whether by face-to-face interaction or online (and I know scores in both camps), who has been able to come close to a sustained forgiveness-of-heart for a perpetrator who does not confess, acknowledge or repent, and who usually prospers despite their abuse.

Churches must understand that nobody can demand a person forgive their more powerful abuser who hasn’t repented.  Churches should also extend grace upon grace for those who, for no fault of their own, are cornered in a grief that may seem ‘bitter’ but really is not.  This ‘unforgiveness’ is not a sin; it’s not helpful, but it’s also not sinful.

The only thing that reconciles abuse situations for many people is justice.

Thank God that that justice inevitably is eternal.  Nobody escapes justice forever, and it is wisdom for all people to face it now, this side of death.

Who would risk the eternality of their relationship with God but the one who says they believe but, by their unreconciled abusive actions, really they don’t?

A pastoral response to a dilemma

I’m sure pastors and churches feel duty bound to fix problems and people.  That’s God’s job.  Many, many situations in life are unresolved.  There is a great deal of maturity in accepting this truth.  It can seem despairing at times.

The worst thing a church or a pastor could do is expect one party — the innocent party — to do the work of reconciling what is broken to make it whole again.  This is a burden churches and pastors are not asked to bear.

An effective pastoral response to a dilemma is lament — to properly mourn that which can only be grieved, and yet do so in the hope that comfort will come (Matthew 5:4).  Pastors and churches are called to be faithful sojourners with survivors.

Nothing in this article suggests a full forgiveness of a perpetrator by a survivor is impossible; indeed it is possible, just not common, and it requires a special grace of God that isn’t afforded to everyone.  We customarily take too much credit for this grace; it’s God’s work and not our own.

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[1] Both the perpetrator and the survivor are bonded by a sin — the perpetrator to the sin of denial, the survivor is hamstrung by that denial.  But, the repentant themselves walk free whether they’re forgiven or not, for they have honoured God’s truth.  And as the survivor hears an attempt at an amends made, they walk into at least the possibility of more freedom than they have previously experienced.  If the repentance is real, the survivor may indeed receive complete release from the bondage that held them.

Photo by Daniel J. Schwarz on Unsplash

 

Clarity within the confusion of an abusive relationship

Crazy making gets a new definition when a person enters a relationship with a person who diminishes just about every facet of their life.  Give it a year or three and you’ll see if the person you’re in a relationship with is abusive — it hardly ever occurs in the first winsome months.

But begin saying no or putting up sensible boundaries and you’ll attract their ire — it’s either visible rage or a seething withdrawal.  You’ll know it by your reluctance to say no, by your need to give them their own way.

Once the bear is poked it is incited and there is always payback.  As you look back their unreasonableness is clear like 20/20 hindsight.  It is so clear as you look back.

Then you have to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for the fact that you wasted so much time — good months and years — with someone who never deserved your empathy, patience, kindness and grace.  It’s not deserved because it was never extended to you; these beautiful character traits were only ever required of you.  And that’s not love.

When you’re in a relationship that always feels like where there’s a problem it’s your fault, you’re constantly aware that while they look like an adult in physical stature, they’re actually more like a 5-8-year-old in character.  But being a ‘big person’ they will feel like they must master you to project the feeling for both them and you that they’re in control — over the relationship and over you.  You know this when they reward you for obeying their will and when they punish you for disobeying.

Their love is punctuated by control — which isn’t love.  It is highly conditional.  It is a ‘deserved’ love and that actually means it’s not love at all.

It can take a long while to overcome the thinking that says:

§     “It’s okay, they’ll change.”  They probably won’t.

§     “It’s probably in some way my fault.”  No, it isn’t your fault.  Their abuse is their choice.

§     “I really need to be certain before I choose to leave the relationship.”  Empathise with yourself.  You don’t need any more pressure on you as to when to make that choice.  But you also know it probably won’t change.

§     “I’m really not sure what to think.”  Remember that abusive relationships are all about crazy making.  Being constantly confused is a sign you’re in a toxic relationship.

Photo by Tiago Bandeira on Unsplash 

Twelve Steps; Step 5 – when an addict or an abuser repents

Rare is it that we see someone with serious pathological shortcomings (sin!) come before God and another human being to confess it all.  Much more is it the case that an addict or an abuser would continue their journey of denial and bargaining and inward anger to deny those they’d harmed their justice.

But not with those who have embarked on a Step 4 “fearless moral inventory”.

This is where the Twelve Steps come into their own; each and every step the power of God for purification and transformation in the life of the one in recovery as well as justice and vindication for the ones harmed.

Step 4, when done well — usually an exhaustive process of prayer, journalling and recording, and much pondering and curating, based on the seven deadly sins — a period of time conjoined by both peace and agony, where we stay with the log in our own eye — is the launching pad to probably the most courageous thing any of us mired in our sin can do.

That’s Step 5 — to sit and confess every shameful deed dredged up before God and another human being.

Every deed that has long been buried in denial, shame, guilt, self-hatred and anger turned in upon oneself, which always spills out through transference onto innocent others.

The process takes hours.  It took me five hours on December 14, 2003.  And today I had the privilege of supervising someone complete their Step 5 — a final and official three-hour block that built on several hours of previous deep Step 5 work over a few months.  The courage that has consistently been shown by this one in their recovery is nothing short of miraculous.  The hope they give to those they have transgressed is built upon the pillars of justice and peace.

There was such a sense of achievement as we travelled together for 180 minutes of deep confession, affirmation, clarification, challenge, courage and commissioning.

The full Step 5 experience is laden with weeks of intercessory prayer beforehand, it has the Holy Spirit’s presence and anointing, and it is the ripping open of a new heart, cleansed, refreshed and made anew, restored in the holiness of Jesus’ name.

In this one today was the pleasure of Almighty God, a Lord who cannot despise a broken and contrite heart facing the full measure of their once destructive truth.

Survivors of abuse live and breathe in the hope that their perpetrators would one day face the truth of the despicable things that they did to them.  If only they did, they would just about without exception be forgiven.  But regretfully so few do.

The is why the Twelve Step program is the power of God for change, restoration for the sinner, justice for the abused, glorifying for our Lord.

Lord Jesus,

In the powers of Your grace, and by faith that pleases You, we ask for the sake of the sinner who has impacted the lives of those You love, that You, by Your Spirit, would convict their heart to acknowledge, to admit, and to address their sin.  Cause these ones who are still prodigals to You to turn back to You for their own eternal sake.  Cause them to have courage that, through honesty and courage, they might execute justice and vindication for the ones they’ve harmed before they go to meet You. Help them to know the way to Your peace, which is to worship You in spirit and in truth, to know that You are a relational God who desires all sinful harm to be reconciled.

AMEN.

Turning Jonah’s 4 weaknesses into strengths

The biblical paradox unfolds in trial and pain: where we come before the living God in our weakness, we can redeem strength, enough for the moment.

Jonah, the Minor Prophet, had such a difficult time of it obeying God’s call to proclaim impending judgment to the Ninevites; he can be seen, through the text, battling four types of emotion.

These reveal four weaknesses that we, too, battle with. It depends on how we battle as to whether (or not) we draw on the Lord’s strength in getting through.

Jonah 1 – Fear

Chapter 1 of Jonah hits the ground running; the prophet runs from God in fear. Perhaps it was mortal fear for his life to preach before the heathen of Nineveh; or maybe it was religious indifference, or a lack of faith. Whatever it was, it was fear that drove him the other way.

The Lord’s calling of Jonah is plain enough; he must go immediately (verse 2). But just as immediately, Jonah sprints in the opposite direction boarding a ship from Joppa bound for Tarshish. His fearful, disobedient reaction is ‘rewarded’ by a peril worse than he can imagine—death lies there, imminent.

Jonah’s mistake was to run in fear. We make the same mistake; the instinct is to run when staying put and considering what is before us, and what God is saying, is usually the wiser choice. Obeying God is often about moving beyond the reptilian instinct, where that instinct is based in fear.

Jonah 2 – Failure

The sweetest Scripture of this short book is saved for a psalm of thanksgiving.

Within the thread of Jonah’s gratitude for the provision of a great fish, is the lament for his failure, realising how dire the circumstance was; that his disobedience almost led to his death. Whilst he is ashamed of his failure, he is thankful for the having been saved. It is impetus for obedience, leading into chapter 3.

Just as easily we, too, can reflect over our failures, utilising them as platforms for learning and future obedience.

Jonah 3 – Feelings

When the time comes to perform, we often go to water, experiencing fight or flight—the nuances of adrenaline pumping through our bodies, impacting us emotionally.

We could imagine going to a city, known for its revelry, like preaching before the mafia or the KKK; Jonah is faced with preaching an insultingly laughable message—how would they react?

Feelings-from-head-to-toe would be us if we were placed in such an intolerable situation. How do we communicate what God has laid tremulously on our hearts, but by faith?

Faith alone remits courage to do only what God can empower us to do.

Jonah 4 – Frustration

Notwithstanding the miracle of the Ninevites turning back to God in chapter 3, Jonah is found irreconcilable within a fit of anger. Preaching to the Ninevites has meant his own goals went unmet.

When we obey God, at times our needs and goals will go unmet, and we can expect feelings of frustration. Equally, though, we can expect God to reprove us, as he did Jonah, if our frustration is selfishly poised.

Jonah experienced the weaknesses of fear, failure, feelings, and frustration. We do too. We can learn a lot from, and be encouraged by, Jonah’s humanity. Be balanced in fear. Accept failure and move on. Perform despite feelings. Patiently endure frustrations.

Most people are silent on abuse until it has impacted them

The fact is, for most people, there is complicity for abuse, until it directly impacts their life or those they love.  Then they speak up.  It’s then that they develop a view.  It’s then that they suddenly ‘see’, having seen all along.

Many issues in life are like this.  Nobody has the empathy to care much for those who face loss until they, themselves, have had their own lives completely re-channelled through grief.  Special needs in children are hard to see until you’ve had a child with autism, diabetes, a disorder or another syndrome, and the parents’ horrendously challenging daily journey doesn’t rate a mention.  Few bother much for depression or suicide or anxiety until they are met by that ferocity of these situations.  Abuse of children doesn’t tend to bother us until we imagine being that child.  The throes of pain attain a reframing of care.

Pain wakes us up from our slumber.  When we’ve experienced abuse, we begin to see how many victims there are, how many people are met with silence, who are ignored and uncatered for, who have even been maligned very severely in some cases.  When we’ve seen a loved one suffer abuse that is completely not their fault, and we see them hope beyond hope for it to stop, month after month, year after year, and it never stops, and we see their hope falter and fail, we see the devastating effects of abuse first hand.

Humanity is afflicted with a condition that fails to care unless failures are experienced, and then there can only be the response to care.

One of the hardest things to bear is having been abused and not believed, or worse, seen as the one at fault for the abuse that has been exacted out against you.

Why is that we don’t take a person’s perception of their experience as valid?  Why is it that we hear their story and the jury’s still out?  Why is it that we need to have experienced the truth of that pain they’ve gone through for that pain to register in us?  Why is it that so many people, and yes, people with influence a lot of the time, nod in agreement, yet still remain passive, ambivalent... silent, no less.

I’ve known so many people who have literally had their lives changed through a single event that completely changed their perspective.  It’s as if it was one life then, another life now.  God can and does change our perspective through events that impact our lives, our children’s and our grandchildren’s lives, and our parents’ lives.

One thing that this truth challenges is the one of perspective: to value another human being’s perception as their truth, valid in and of itself.  What a cherished thing it is to believe a person their experience, or to be the one who is believed.

Photo by Wolfgang Hasselmann on Unsplash 

Some of the traits of the psychologically abused

 Trauma begets trauma and it’s a sad fact that many who have been traumatised can end up being perpetrators, but so many people who bear the marks of trauma (and it’s more than we might expect) are always the victim; they always submit; they never fight.  Even if they mount some resistance there is never enough power to meet what the aggressor will bring.

People who have been psychologically abused tend to:

§     Feel they’re unworthy – those who have been treated as if they’re unworthy do tend to believe they’re not worthy.  This is the horrendous effect of abuse.  It leaves us doubting that which should never be doubted.  We all belong here as much as the largest star in the universe.

§     Constantly apologise – they will even apologise for things they have no control over, for the lack of patience and anger in the ones who abuse them, for everything that goes wrong.  There is a belief that if a person apologises, they might calm the aggressor down.  Well, we know that doesn’t always work, and for some it never actually works at all.  Constantly apologising can be an attempt at restoring the power imbalance; and that’s a sad fact.

§     Be especially sensitive to criticism – when the soul is eroded by the constant drone of contempt, the soul is embittered toward itself and it doesn’t know why – no plant can grow or even survive in a toxic garden, and the same applies to humans.

§     Need more assurance than they wished they’d need – there is a place where reassurance is necessary and appropriate, yet when we know we’re craving it, we can know why, and we can begin to resent that mistreatment caused it.

§     Breakdown unexpectedly and uncontrollably – when there is low confidence, self-concept and self-esteem, there’s a constant self-barraging going on in the mind, a constant self-doubting that can only bring about the state of misery.  The scariest thing about this is a person knows just how abysmal the abyss is – how cavernously deep and bottomless is that pit.

§     Hide their feelings – they don’t feel safe sharing their feelings, because they have learned that the people they trust betray them.  The only hope anyone has in these relational circumstances is to shift the dynamic and begin to only associate with safe people so recovery can commence.

§     Struggle to trust – when nobody has proven trustworthy – or so few it doesn’t affect the calculation – you can resolve that trust is a folly, that it’s just not worth it.

People who have been psychologically abused bear scars that can only begin to heal once they’re safe and out of harm’s way.

Photo by Jordan M. Lomibao on Unsplash

Those who sow harm will reap a world of pain

“Do not be deceived; God is not mocked, for you reap whatever you sow.  If you sow to your own flesh, you will reap corruption from the flesh; but if you sow to the Spirit, you will reap eternal life from the Spirit.  So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up.  So then, whenever we have an opportunity, let us work for the good of all, and especially for those of the family of faith.
— Galatians 6:7-10 (NRSV)

One of the best encouragements in reading the book of Proverbs each month, one chapter per day, is that we are reminded that we reap what we sow.  Of course, this is a generalisation.  Proverbs are generalisations.  They generally apply.  Apply wisdom and you’re blessed, generally.  Refuse wisdom and generally life doesn’t go so well.

Whenever we’re disrespected by a person, and perhaps it’s that the person continually disrespects us or even abuses you, or there’s the consistency of a harming pattern in their behaviour, we know that they’re not sowing well — the seed they sow is a harming seed.

They’re not just harming us.  How they interact with us is how they will also interact with others too.  Sure, some won’t see it, and others will allow it, and there are times when others simply haven’t experienced what we have, but time does tell.  Truth comes out eventually.

When someone isn’t sowing well, when they’re intentionally harming people, there are always consequences eventually; it’s really important we believe this so we can have faith that justice will eventually be done — not in our timeframe, but God’s.  This is what we read in a poem like Psalm 37.

There are situations also when a person knows they’re harming people and deep within themselves they wish they didn’t do it (for there is real regret in these, but not enough to produce repentance).  Somehow these latter ones know the consequences they’re sowing up for themselves.  They know they’re doing the wrong thing.

The former ones, however, who feel they’ll get away with it, are brazen.  Narcissistically, they feel entitled to sow abuse and have their way; they feel it’s their right, or at least they wilfully and foolishly dissociate — which is they turn away from facing the truth.  They do appear to get away with it.  But they don’t.  Not over the longer journey.  There will be consequences — in this life and in the next.

The consequences in this life for disrespect are the removal of the higher opportunities to be a blessing.  Narcissists don’t know what they’re missing out on.  They think that being consummately entitled, including for some the feigning of love by playing a game behind the backs of some, is their way to whatever success they’re driven to achieve.  But they do dip out.  They never get to experience what a heart of kindness, gentleness, graciousness, and compassion can produce.  And yet, they don’t understand because they don’t understand.  Such an awareness can teach us an understanding that we can only accept.

There are other consequences for withholding blessing from others.  The perceptions of others are shaped for what they see and hear.  Those engaging in narcissistic behaviour may pull the wool over some eyes, but not in many other cases.  Damage is sown down the line.  Confusion reigns in the lives of those affected, and as soon as a narcissist begins pointing the index finger, the other three fingers indicate where the blame really lies — straight back where there is the refusal to accept responsibility.

And if we believe that God will exact the truth ultimately — an eternal justice — then we need to begin taking God seriously.  Those who sow harm in this life will face a heavenly accountability one day.  That day could be Today.  This is worthy of our reflection now.

When we consider that the nature of life is nobody gets away with anything, it compels us to live an honest life whilst giving us faith that God will exact justice at the proper time.  When we take this seriously, we truly begin to make our relationships our key priority.

Photo by Francesco Gallarotti on Unsplash

Buried beneath unmerited anger is unchecked anxiety

Whenever we get close to our anger, and we all get angry, we can notice something rise up within us, and it is well beneath frustration.  It’s unchecked anxiety; a form of it.  In so many ways anxiety resides at levels significantly below our conscious awareness most of the time.

Whenever we deal with someone who has an anger problem — especially the one who gets angry and stays angry, someone we can’t talk down, who cannot seem to regulate their emotions — we may recognise that they’re not in touch with the relational effects of their anxiety to the point of its creating or exacerbating conflict.

Additionally, we can see that they’re not in touch with seeing how their anxiety may be damaging, and they possibly even justify their behaviour, which is then characterised as abusive.

We all face anxiety, just as we all experience anger, and yet none of the anxiety or anger we experience needs to blur into abuse — the damaging of other human beings or the self.

Anxiety, if we are able to connect consciously with it, can be harnessed through the fruit of patience, which is first awareness and then the discipline of telling ourselves, ‘no’.  It’s possible, when we know how, to be mindfully aware that when we are anxious, to then calm ourselves before we begin to hurt others or ourselves.  We can train ourselves (or be trained) to do this; that’s discipleship.

Gaining a relational grasp of the impact of our anxiety on others is a useful thing to do.  I would say by experience that this is the domain of everyone, but men ordinarily have probably more of a problem, given the workings of our minds as men — the way we characteristically think.

I know I’m like many men; a linear thinker.  I can manage one thing at a time in most arenas in life.  There are some things I can multitask in — where I’m extremely capable, comfortable, confident — but most of the time I just get frustrated if there’s too much noise in my head.  Women, I’ve found by experience, are better at regulating their emotions in this area as a general rule.

That moment when I flip into cognitive overload tips me into chaos which becomes anxiety — I cannot control the amount of what’s coming in; I’m overwhelmed.  And if I’m not careful, especially where a hot button is pressed, like a sensitivity, I can easily respond the wrong way.  Now it’s up to me then to contain that moment, or I could potentially begin to abuse others.

People who don’t contain those moments engage in regrettable actions.  The only way to put that right is to apologise, which requires humility, and we can’t do that unless we have capped our anxiety in that moment.

Being aware of our anxiety and owning it as far as our relationships are concerned, we are much better placed to be accountable for our behaviour in terms of our anger.  Prompt and sincere apologies are possible.  And most important of all, we don’t continue to rant, realising that people who rant out of control are scary and inevitably abusive if they can’t control themselves.

Nobody feels safe around a person who can’t control their anger.

The irony with these people is they will blame others in a flash.  Victim blaming is a reprehensible abuse.  It might be okay to get angry, but if we don’t identify the anxiety beneath our anger, we may continue into a rant, and if a person ranting can’t be talked down, there is a crisis of conflict and harm is sure to result.

Photo by Heather M. Edwards on Unsplash

The tragic underpinnings and effects of male dominance abuse

“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them.  If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love [him].  Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love.  While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love.  This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment.  This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love.  They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.”
― bell hooks

Having been dominated through power and control, I have sometimes heard women say in the counselling room, “There must be a payoff for you when you behave this way!”  Often the guy is so completely non-plussed by the remark, but that’s how it feels for his partner.  She has been shattered by his ‘testing’ behaviour (acted out in rage, innuendo, withdrawal, defiance, rejection, threats, belittling, etc) for years.  There comes a time in any abused woman’s life when she must say, “Regardless of how much I (used to) love you, I must stop this; indeed, it’s come to this.  I need to stop this for YOUR sake as much as my own!”  She knows that he is basically acting out of his child, and somewhere deeper down he possibly knows this too, but is too ashamed to admit it.  She also knows he must begin to account for his behaviour.  This is love, even if she realises it’s years too late.

He cannot love because he’s never been loved, and this is all the more reason why Christ is needed — so desperately needed — in this man’s life.  To know Christ is to know love to the extent that loving others is simply the fruit of the love received.

The irony in all of this is that this man is a broken man, yet until he is broken with Christ he will not be able to love anyone.  Being broken with Christ is having God WITH us when everything else has been stripped from us.  Such a man must lose everything.  How can I tell if I haven’t been there?  That’s the point, I’ve been there.  Remember Jesus saying, “You must be prepared to lose everything to follow me.”  When we’re in that place we’re on the cusp of meeting Jesus.  (And to the man who acts out in dominance and says, “I know Jesus!” I am sorry, you don’t truly know him yet!  You haven’t allowed him to know you.  You must be opened up first, and in all reality remain open for months for Jesus’ healing work to be done IN you.  This is why staying in a broken place with our Lord for an extended time period is good.)

The man needs to have everything stripped away so that all that remains is Christ.  It will be necessary for him to lose his marriage, hard as that is to say.  There can be no hope of rebuilding the marriage unit until he is rebuilt.  And 99 men out of 100 will not go this course — men, be that one!  A miracle needs to be done in him before he is able to be any sort of safe partner.  Good news!  God is in the business of procuring miracles.  The paradox is he must go from domination, fear and control to submission, service and humility.  He needs to own what wasn’t his fault, and yet now he is responsible for submitting to the rebuild.  If he does, he can attain the only control he should have ever craved — self-control.

None of this is his partner’s fault.  And whilst his upbringing is a tragedy, he is solely responsible for where he’s at now.  It may seem cataclysmically unfair, but the fact is there is no stock in blame.  There is stock only in gritting the bit between the teeth.  The moment anyone takes responsibility for what only they they can do, they wrest control for themselves, and God can work a miracle.  Anyone using the internal locus of control finds amazing empowerment, all while getting the log out of their own eye.

Meanwhile, the man’s partner is best left alone with the support she chooses so she can heal and find freedom from beyond all that she has lost.  She is a victim and a survivor, and she will need for her remaining years the sanctity of a rest that she always needed.

Safety in relationship is a human right.

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash