46 things I’ve learned in 46 years of marriage, by Valerie Greenlaw Wolff

My husband, Cameron, and I are celebrating 46 years of marriage, today, September 13th. We’ve had our “moments”, our struggles, our periods of discontent or disenchantment, and even our moments of almost giving up. There were probably times we weren’t “in love” with each other, but we focused on the big “C” throughout it all – commitment. In this day and age of “disposable” things, we didn’t want to dispose of our relationship. We built our relationship on a solid base of mutual respect, concern and compassion for the other person, plus simply wanting the best for each other.

God has been faithful to us. He blessed us with two daughters and now two granddaughters. He has stood by us in the storms. He gave us peace and strength when we didn’t think we could go on. He gave us to each other to be life companions, to share an unbelievable journey of love and friendship. And for this, we are grateful.

1). The number one lesson I’ve learned, and that I’ve shared with couples who are contemplating marriage or who are in marriage counseling – is that your spouse has to be your best friend. Period.

2). Think, before you speak – ask yourself, “what is this going to feel like to him/her when I say this?” 

3). Empathy is crucial. Even if you don’t understand what they are trying to communicate with you, even if you disagree with it, practice empathy towards them.

4). You have to both be on the same page in terms of raising kids. Granted, one can be more of the disciplinarian and one can be more of the “softy” – but the message has to be consistent. 

5). Don’t talk disparagingly about your spouse in front of him/her when in a social situation. Sometimes, lighthearted banter is okay, but criticisms (even if given with a wink or roll of an eye or laughter) can destroy the trust between the two of you. Why would you want to embarrass your spouse like that? And the people around you will think less of you, not your spouse, for what you have done.

6). Go to church together. I know some people aren’t religious/spiritual, but it is known that those who have a solid basis of faith tend to have marriages that last longer.

7). Along with # 6, pray together. 

8). Along with # 6 & 7, pray for your spouse every day. 

9). Along with # 6, 7, & 8, pray for your marriage every day. 

10). It’s okay to argue, at times, in front of the kids, as long as there is no name-calling or cuss words or physical/verbal abuse going on. You need to model healthy disagreements and show your kids how to resolve the problem after the argument. 

11). Learn the concept of “agree to disagree”. There will be some things which the other person is adamant about, and you can’t quite understand their position. But, there comes a time when you need to accept that they will not agree with you and vice-versa. Of course, if it is a huge issue and you keep on disagreeing about it, then marriage counseling may be indicated at that point. 

12). Have fun together. Everyday. 

13). It’s okay to tease, but it is imperative to know when to stop. 

14). Try hard not to say, “I told you so”, even if you are correct. Especially when you are correct. 

15). Trust is based on telling the truth. 

16). Along with #15, white lies are not the truth. 

17). Along with #16 and #17, if truth is painful, surround it with compassion when delivering it. 

18). Never ridicule or demean in private (kind of goes along with #5 when in public). This is just not constructive at all and is akin to emotional abuse.  

19). Kids are like sponges – they absorb everything. They will absorb your moods, your styles of relating to each other, your language, etc. Always keep that in the forefront of your mind, always, even if they aren’t around. 

20). A sense of humor is imperative. Yup. And, learn how to laugh at yourself as well.  

21). Learn how to ask each other if the goal of the conversation is venting or problem-solving.  

22). If your spouse offers to help you, let them, even if they don’t do it quite the way you would prefer that they do it. 

23). Along with #22, bear in mind that if you keep on refusing your spouse’s offer to help you, they will then stop offering. You don’t want to be in that position, because then you will feel like you are doing everything!

24). Along with #22 & #23 – thank your spouse profusely after helping you. And, offer to do something to help them as a way of saying thank you, or make a special meal or a thank you card. 

25). On the topic of helping, it’s okay to ask your spouse for help as well. it’s not a sign of weakness or lack of intelligence to ask. 

26). It’s not your responsibility to “fix” your spouse. Read that very carefully. Your spouse is responsible for his/her own issues and happiness. 

27). Listen to your spouse. If it’s boring, still listen. If it’s something “heavy”, listen with your heart as well as your ears. If it’s constructive criticism, look at is as an opportunity to learn something about yourself and perhaps change it.

28). If what you are saying or doing is hurting your spouse, just please stop doing it. 

29). Treat each other with respect. 

30). Have each other’s back.  

31). Do something the other person enjoys, even if you hate doing it, and do it without complaint and with a smile on your face. Even the boring stuff. 

32). Teach new things to one another – a skill, a song, an adventure, etc. 

33). Open up and share how you are feeling. 

34). Risk being vulnerable with one another, at every level.  

35). Tell each other about your upbringing and discuss things from the past that might get in the way of having a good relationship. Our ideas of marriage are often times based on the model our parents gave to us, and if that was an unhealthy model, it might affect our relationship with our spouse. 

36). Learn how to express anger, disappointment, irritability, etc. in constructive ways. It’s good to take a break and calm down before trying to resolve issues. Some people want to continue talking in the heat of the moment, but that is not usually a healthy way to communicate with each other. Take a walk, give yourself a timeout in another room – do whatever you can to do some deep breathing. Discussion can be postponed for up to 12 hours, but any longer than that can create a whole different set of problems. 

37). If you do seek marriage counseling, choose the counselor with extreme care. That person can actually do more damage to your relationship if they are not qualified to guide you in resolving your differences. Remember – counselors do not give advice. They do, however, help you to come up with your own solutions to your marital woes. 

38). If you are an extrovert married to an introvert, please recognize the introvert gets their energy from time alone rather than in groups of people or doing certain activities outside of the home. You will never change him/her into becoming an extrovert, so just respect their need for alone time. However, if you are an introvert, you can’t use your need for quiet as a way of getting out of doing things with our spouse – you do have to participate in some things with the other one sometimes. It’s okay to decide how frequently you can go out of your comfort zone for each other’s benefit. 

39). Remember – you can’t use explaining of your behaviors as an excuse to keep on doing that behavior. 

40). Interrogation is a no-no. Compassionate inquiry is the way to go. 

41). Speak words of encouragement to each other daily. 

42). Emotional intimacy is important, as is physical intimacy. Both forms of intimacy are vulnerable gifts you give to each other. 

43). Affirmations last a long time. 

44). Letting each other know where you’re going and what time you’ll be back is a common courtesy. It’s not an issue of control. 

45). Privacy is necessary. It’s far different than being secretive. Respect each other’s privacy, but don’t keep things secret from each other either. 

46). Woah. The last one. Love one another, as the Lord loves you. 

Mental health check-in and tune-up for this long tenuous season

Predicting the sweep of the pandemic, region to region, is about as fraught as speculating on a horse race or the stock market immediately prior to the favourite being scratched or a market plunge.

Whatever country we live in, however the journey of 2020 and 2021’s been like, we’ve all been seriously challenged, internationally, nationally, locally, relationally, socially, emotionally, financially, personally.  Even as I type these words, I imagine people rolling on the floor laughing it’s that much of a cataclysmic understatement.  What a toll it’s taken!

These past two years have tested our mettle in so many ways, from lockdowns to job losses to extreme shortages of vital supplies to changes in everything from the way we celebrate weddings to the way we grieve at funerals.  Holiday making has been transformed in so many ways, essential workers have been pushed beyond the limit for month after month, and so very many people have died earlier than they should have.

What has possibly changed most of all is our bearing for where life’s at.  In just about every realm of being we’ve been challenged.  We feel insecure about the longevity of everything; our work, our leisure, our homes, the futures of vulnerable loved ones, and especially our personal mental health, and that of those we care about.

There are those who have been blindsided by loss so great that dealing with the grief is overwhelming, and there’s no simple answer for recovery in those situations.  These number the millions worldwide.

Anxiety-related conditions we know anecdotally are more prevalent than ever.  Stress is at an all-time high, more to the point we’re facing situations where we’re chronically stressed — the stress just doesn’t seem to dissipate.  Depression too becomes the lowest common denominator, usually because we’ve ‘stayed strong’ for too long.  Learned helplessness is becoming the enduring reality for too many.

Will we ever get back to a sense of normalcy?  Or, do we need to get used to this sort of constant state of flux for the foreseeable future?  These and so many more (including those we don’t even know to ask) are the 64-billion-dollar questions.

What can we do to retain or reclaim some sense of empowerment?

Well, we need to stick with or get back to those things that have always worked; the things that will always work.  For many it’s the case that new rhythms and routines need to be established.

STRATEGIES FOR PHYSICAL, SPIRITUAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH

There is what we might call a golden triad for health — sleep, diet, exercise — for one thing; some of the most sensible basics we can invest in for overall wellbeing.

Attending to our physical health needs, I think, caters for up to half of our wellbeing needs overall.  That, and being supervised by a medical practitioner so a holistic approach can be taken, including pharmaceuticals.

Just getting enough good quality sleep is a masterstroke to ward off depression in most people.  A lot of anger and frustration and stress can be alleviated through at least three sessions of vigorous exercise each week.  And eating good food in moderate portions is an incredibly powerful strategy all its own.

Coming back to the spiritual triad — faith, hope, love — is the essence of keeping our soul nourished.

We’re comforted that there are no shortage of opportunities to show faith in these uncertain times.  Faith is measured by how well we trust.  That will be a problem for those of us who have had, or who have, significant relational issues with others.  Faith stretches our trust in the direction of God.  Having things to look forward to buoys our hope.  Hope amends much anxiety, and I always find that when I have hope, peace and joy tend to be present as well.  Love is the greatest test of all.  Being able to love and to receive love is often, again, a test of trust.

Mentally, there are several psychological schemas to consider; for instance, focusing on the internal locus of control rather than having an external locus of control.

Having an internal locus of control, I can decide how I react and respond to what happens to me.  I retain my own empowerment.  But I am disempowered if I feel everything happens to me and I have no control, and therefore I must blame others — because I believe I have little or no control.  That is an external locus of control — everything that happens, happens outside of me.  Study and adopt the internal locus of control; it’s powerful!

It’s similar to becoming focused on the things beyond my control — my circle of concern — instead of being concerned about what I can impact — my circle of influence.  Nobody can live a productive life when they can’t exert control over their world to at least some extent.  Study and adopt thinking that focuses on your circle of influence — what you CAN affect.

I have only mentioned two thinking schemas here.  Another one worthy of looking into further is biases — what biases ought I be aware of that are impacting in some way my mental health.

Finally, a very important input to good or poor mental health is the issue of our relationships and conflict in them.  Not many people have no problematic relationships, and toxic relationships are a significant stressor.

ACCEPTING WHAT CANNOT BE CHANGED + GRATITUDE

Probably the most important thing we can do is accept what we cannot change.  This gives us huge perspective.  This is about viewing life through the lens of objective truth.

So many things that are within our circle of concern just don’t bear any significant additional thought because we cannot change them.

What comes with acceptance is the peace of serenity.

Part of this exercise is about looking at, facing indeed, those things we can only be grateful for.  Today it was, “Wow, my body works, and I don’t have any diagnosed conditions that I know of.”  It was also, “I’m thankful that we’re relatively financially secure at this moment in time.”

Gratitude will help a lot, and so will being disciplined about how much (or little) thought is wasted being frustrated about things that cannot be influenced or changed by ourselves.

Most of all, become conscious about how much you let guilt and shame inhabit you.  Guilt only has a momentary purpose in helping us repent, then it’s useless and harmful.  Shame is always harmful.

Be gentle with yourself, but also hold yourself to account.

Photo by Dylan Taylor on Unsplash

The strength of compassion needed in difficult relationships

I went to see the motion picture of Aretha (Re) Franklin’s life today, Respect.  One thing is for sure.  There were a number of difficult relationships in Re’s life.  With her father, with her first partner, Ted White, but not so much with second partner, Ken Cunningham.

Ken Cunningham plays a compassionate man who enters Re’s life when she’s had enough pussyfooting around controlling, demanding men (her father and Ted White).  Sadly, as the movie depicts it, he sees her spiral into her own alcohol-fuelled descent.

Rather than face a husband who’s demanding, Re herself becomes the demanding, controlling ‘queen’.

Only via an encounter with her deceased mother does she come to her senses.

At every point, Ken Cunningham, the husband, is compassionate and full of understanding and mercy.

There’s only one thing for a difficult relationship.

Meeting control on the terms of control doesn’t work—it produces fireworks.  Meeting control with submission also is not the answer.  Re submitted routinely to Daddy and to Ted, yet she gets nowhere; it only leads to more violence, where she is left on the receiving end, again and again.

But with Ken Cunningham it’s different.

He absorbs Re’s fury without submitting to it, and he’s there ready for her when she’s picking up all those alcohol bottles when she begins to dry out.  He’s got the strength in the difficult relationship not to be the doormat, and also to hold out hope for change.

The person who has the strength of compassion is the one to be in a relationship with.

Not the one who is a seething time bomb who only needs the wrong set of circumstances to blow up and abuse.

The weakness in the one who must have their demands, who must coerce and control, is a weakness that’s borne by everyone else, or in the context of a partnership, to the one who must wilt to their pressure.

But the one who is mature to the depths of compassion has reserves of strength to bear a struggle.  Not that a compassionate person’s to be taken for granted—but they will be.

The strength of compassion is necessary if difficult relationships are to be endured and ameliorated.  Any of us who consider ourselves peacemakers will need a ton of compassion for both others and ourselves if we’re to sustain a vision of holding and containing weaker (controlling, demanding) persons long-term.

But sometimes it doesn’t matter how much strength of compassion you have.  There are some people, relationships and dynamics that will not work no matter what.

There comes a time in these kinds of relationships where you say enough’s enough.

It’s about recognising where you’ve been strongly compassionate and equally recognising that that strength has gotten you nowhere because of their obstinance.

Those who have the strength of compassion have the capacity to see that they’ve done their best, and doing your best is always good enough.  It’s all that can be done.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

No matter how bad life gets we’re still one with another

I was reminded just now how important a soul is.  And as I remembered, I was reminded how important my soul is.  We’re precious, you and me.

Yet, as we go through life and are occasionally chewed up and spat out—by systems, people, organisations, relationships—we quickly forget that we’re priceless masterpieces made in the image of a Creator.

No matter how bad life gets we’re still one with another, and so long as we don’t neglect this fact, we’ll be okay, even if we aren’t okay.

In remembering the value of the sister, the brother, the fellow human being, we’re quickly reminded of our own value.  And even if we feel slighted, hard-done-by, exhausted and underappreciated, at least we don’t self-destruct.

In remembering our innate value to ourselves, our families, our world, our Creator—in facing our value and in our acknowledging it—we’re humbled and restored at the same time.

No matter how bad life gets, if we know our value, we’re safer than if we dismissed our value outright.

You are valuable, as valuable as anyone else who’s ever lived or will live, no matter who you are.  I don’t know what you think of Jesus, but the facts of Jesus’ life and death prove that you matter as much as anyone else, ever.

Even as I read those words of the previous paragraph, I also often need reminding.  It’s why I write this.  We all need reminding.  Occasionally we may fall for the lie that we don’t matter.  We do.

If you’re in a place of being where you’re seriously doubting your worth—and you’re not alone, because there are many of us who doubt occasionally or more often—I pray you’ll use this opportunity to be reminded.

There is nobody like you and the world needs you at this time that you’re alive.

It’s the care and the connection with another human being that will remind us of our value.

Photo by Catia Dombaxe on Unsplash

The whisper of death awakens life

Devastating phone calls and texts come when we least expect them.  Today, while I was operating as a field safety officer at an emergency exercise, I was alerted to a friend being in palliative care with only days to live.  The last time I saw him was for a pub lunch last year, and he was in fine fettle.

As I digested the news, especially being a pastor, you know what you must do.  I wanted to visit.  Because the exercise was two hours out of the city, it was going to be a late visit.

In the room with him, he was unresponsive as I’d expected.  I called another friend who is at work on site and put him on speaker—we both spoke to our friend about some of our memories.

Before this, I’d called my friend’s wife and we’d had two relatively long chats on the phone.

In my work, as I go around checking people’s safety, I often end up in what I call chaplaincy conversations.  Today was no different even in the flurry of a simulated emergency, because there are always some downtimes.

One of these chats we talked about army padres and how important they are—because I’m called ‘padre’ by this ex-army officer co-worker.  Next thing, after having discussed some of the death he’s seen, he says, “It’s scary to think what might happen after we die... I know it probably doesn’t worry you.”

We chatted about it.  I just said it’s my belief that after this life there’s a glorious Kingdom to enter, but that that Kingdom is accessed in the here and now—on earth as in heaven (remember the line from the Lord’s Prayer?).

I didn’t push it.  It was merely a short part of the conversation, and it led to even deeper revelations as I listened, and he shared.

Death rouses us.  The whisper of death awakens us to life.

My friend who’s in palliative care, who is unresponsive, was told nine months ago they couldn’t do anything more for him.  His body was dying.  But his mind and his heart were not ready to let go.  He’s a fighter, always has been.

When it comes to life, none of us want to give up the fight.  None of us want to die, because even those who do give up the fight do so only because life seemed harder to them than death.

Not only does the whisper of death remind us to fight for life, the whisper of death also connects us to the lives we’d otherwise continue to be disconnected from.

I wonder if you’ve pondered death and whether you fear it and why.  I think it’s understandable to fear death if it’s because you leave loved ones behind who will mourn your absence, or because it wrecks you that you’ll have to say goodbye.

The truth is though, the more we carry about the death of Jesus in ourselves, the more we’re alive for the life that stands to be lived in the here and now.  The fact we’re alive inspires gratitude, simply for the air we breathe and the hopes that propel us forward each day.

The presence of death can remind us that today is our opportunity to do what tomorrow has no assurance of.  The least we can do is tell our family and friends that we love them.

Photo by lucas Favre on Unsplash

The strength it takes to endure in your weakness

Reaching out when you’re feeling weak is not weakness but strength.  Even if you feel weak, you’re not weak when you take the risk to reach out and get help.  Yes, it can be exhausting, even debilitating, and that’s why you know it takes strength to do.  You’re strong to reach out.

But... you’re not weak if you’re too weak to reach out.  You’re not weak for being weak, you’re forgiven for needing to rest a while, garner what little strength you have, to prepare for the next effort.

Your courage in looking high and low for a way through your recovery is inspiring, even if you don’t think it’s anything special.  If I were to ask you, “How hard have you worked to get through this?” your heart would say, “As hard as I can, always.”

You’re doing the best you can with what you have at present.  I know because I’ve been there, and it’s only a matter of time before it’s mine or somebody else’s turn.  Depression and anxiety don’t discriminate.  Nor does loss, and grief takes us into myriad form of emotion and thought patterns we can’t always control.

When you’re weak you feel exposed and vulnerable, and it never feels good, but try and acknowledge that it takes a great deal of strength to endure as you’re enduring right now.

Take heart.  What you’re learning now will have a purpose, especially as you’ll probably want to pay the support forward that you’re receiving right now.

Only as we look back from an utter collapse do we see just what we got through.

With 20/20 hindsight it’s often as if you recognise just how strong you were when you were feeling most weak.

Take heart, take it easy, don’t give up.

The antithesis of anxiety

It doesn’t always work, and some mornings you wake, and you just can’t do it, but other mornings start out horrid, yet you harness your poise, agree to risk courageously, as you say, “Nothing’s holding me back today; I’m facing the world and all my problems.”

You know, today it worked, and I heard the echo of the Spirit say, “Write about it.”

With the ambient stressors of life compelling you to believe that everything’s about to go wrong, or the unanticipated thing that will shock you in grief, or even the disequilibrium of feeling estranged to peace, it’s easy to lose sight of what might just go right.

I’m sure we’ve all had days where we’ve been blown away by the fact the sky’s not fallen in.

As I drove to work today:

§     I resolved to myself to be brave, to slow down, to relax instead of running around, to smile beyond my propensity to worry; to make the most of the opportunity for good-natured humour.

§     I bought oil, and I found an innovative way of putting it (drop free) into my car’s engine (because I didn’t have the tooling on hand to help me).  I did this calmly and methodically, ensuring I had plenty of time to do it.

§     I agreed with myself for the umpteenth time, there are so many things I cannot change, that these are the situations I need to let go of.

§     I became mindful with the wind and rain and the elements beating against my car.

§     I did my strategizing on the way to work, ensuring the complexities of my day would go smoother if I determined my steps.

§     I rewarded myself for mental mindfulness with a treat of mental mindfulness once I achieved a task, completed a meeting, and had a good interaction.

§     I decided that because I didn’t have a late meeting to attend that I’d relieve my wife of the need of picking our son up – he loves it when I collect him (a reward for him AND I).

§     The work didn’t stop so I went with it, enjoying the opportunity to achieve while I could.  Without anxiety, it is a pleasure to serve people and willingly do the work with joy that needs doing.  To under-promise and over-deliver is good for one’s soul.

There’s probably more but I’ll leave it at that.

There’s something encouraging about overcoming anxiety on the days we can.  I acknowledge not every day’s this controllable, but a lot of the time we can ward against distress by gritting the teeth a little and forcing a smile, especially if we can laugh.

Worth a try?

Photo by Kamal Bilal on Unsplash

When your life changes in an instant

I’ve had three significant moments where my life changed in an instant: the end of my first marriage, the death of a child to stillbirth, the end of a career I dearly loved.  Each event was a king hit that saw me spiral into a grief-laden season punctuated by anxiety and depression.

Truth be known, in EACH of these events, there’s a plethora of moments where life changes in an instant.

When life changes in an instant, it’s a cavalcade of worse news after bad.  It’s like the initiating event brings possibly the most shock, but in reality, it’s just the first one.  There are developments that continue to wreak havoc over our psyches and then there’s our own mental and emotional process—sometimes we’re resilient to the shock waves, at other times we’re absolutely incapable of response and left numb.

The odds of life are such that everybody will suffer the incredulous reality of life changing in an instant.  At some point.  Then life changes.  To the degree you never really thought it could, should or would.

When life changes in an instant, you enter a journey, and the moment the journey commences you’re innately aware you don’t want to be on it.  That’s the resounding echo of loss.

But such a journey is blessed if you don’t insist on changing what cannot be changed.

Yet grief sends a person on a quest of denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance, and the randomness of such an expedition exhausts the most resilient soul.

A depth of person is learned through the agonising sojourn.  Not that we need to find something positive to over-spiritualise for a purpose for the malaise.

But the truth is, all of us dredged deeply in loss.  It humbles us.  It breaks us.  Yet it transforms us if we’ll only patiently endure the harder days and save any commitment to give up to the following day, even though we’re destined to give up only to pick up again.

When life changes in an instant, you fall off a precipice and instantly you find you’re in the climb of your life simply to survive.  You reach out for comfort and for strength from others who would come alongside.  You’re at the mercy of many elements, but somehow what comes out of it all, so often, is gold for the newer frontier—it just takes a few years.

You may read this and think, “What on earth is this all about?”  You’re forgiven for not relating.  You’re also forgiven for never wanting this reality to wash up on your shore.

It just pays to be ready for such a polarising war.

When you’ve been there, once you’ve survived, you’re somehow ready for the one coming through—you’re a wounded healer.

Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash