Why the abuser seems to be the only one to win when nobody does

The person exploiting people is never really held to account.  They serendipitously dodge all manner of challenge.  Even when they are caught up with, they manage to get away with it because they carry on with their created narrative, that has just enough ‘truth’ about it that it leaves people believing “good enough is good enough.”

Of course, ‘good people’ believe them.  These people we might call ‘good enablers’, because abuse only thrives in circumstances where the majority give assent to it, neither wanting to rock the boat nor, in many cases, are they able to see it.

Once we see it, once it’s been done to us, 
however, we cannot unsee it, ever.

Most of the enablers hold to the view of the greater good.  “Why hold someone to account for the little they do wrong, even if those ‘little wrongs’ hurt so few?”  The vast majority of people will allow abusers to do their ‘little wrongs’, because, quite frankly, “Nobody’s perfect,” as if there must be some allowance for a bully to abuse people.

The abuser generally finds some angle to exploit through a self-justified, pull-the-wool-over-their-eyes self-righteousness.  In this very exploitation, there is the plain manner of entitlement.  They are more senior, or they know more, or they know more people, or they have more influence, and they magnify this advantage.  They make maximum use of what they can exploit, when many people would simply shudder at the thought of this kind of manipulation.  And in manipulation there’s zero empathy for the unfortunate.  Those who take advantage are the strong who take what they can while they can—and, ultimately, nobody wins.

The abuser seems to be the only one to win when nobody wins, because a conquest brokered and made is no victory.  When even one person loses out, all lose out, and yet our entire world runs on the folly that if one wins another must lose.

“Someone always comes second... or last.” 

But relationships aren’t a running race or a sporting event.

In the economy of relationships, the only true victories are outcomes where everyone wins.

When we pray “on earth as it is in heaven,” the common goal is at the forefront, and outcomes are always win-win.  And when everyone wins, it’s “on earth as it is in heaven.”

In the faith, the strong are to bear the weak, and it’s only when the strong (those with power to abuse) do this that God’s work is actually being done.  Paul talks about this in Romans 14.  Only when a person has the power to abuse, but they don’t, instead they lead with humility, does everyone win.  This is truly inspiring leadership.

If ever we show contempt for a brother or sister, if ever we take advantage, and we do so routinely by showing scant levels of care—call it ambivalence—we fall short of what we’re otherwise capable of, and we show disdain for the power we hold and for those who rely on us for a fair go.

And yet, just about every Christian leader falls into this trap at some point or other.  We must censure the will that says, “I deserve this” or, “They don’t deserve it” or, “They deserve every bit of [the bad] what they’re getting.”

Those who abuse are found to be those who are in power, who have power to wield, because if there’s no power to wield, there’s only vulnerability.  This is why those who are abused are completely or apparently voiceless.  They may shriek about injustice, but just about everyone pretends they can’t hear when the powerful influencer is the manipulator.  It’s only the prophet who will stick their head up so it’ll be cut off.

Nobody wins when even one person is silently abused through trauma, neglect, alienation, contempt, and any number of other crimes done secretly against a soul.

Nobody wins when it might even seem that everyone wins.

When even one silently suffers, it’s a blight on everyone else, for they either abuse or they standby as witnesses to it.

The least of these, the most vulnerable, and those who stand to lose most, are the greatest in God’s economy, and nobody can dispute this gospel fact.

With faith, when you’re weak, then you’re strong

There’s a Bible verse that’s often taken out of context, among the many that are, which is often used to abuse believers who struggle in their life.  If you take it as it comes in James 1:6-7 it does sound damning to those who struggle with their mental health:

“... you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.”

It’s unfortunately common for Christians and Christian leaders to point to this verse when people show ‘doubt’ in their ‘faith’.  I use ‘inverted commas’ to show that there’s another side to these two words that needs to be understood.

A person who struggles with their mental health does not choose to struggle; their struggle is beyond them in the moment.  In other words, at the time they don’t have the answer they need.  This is often portrayed as ‘doubting’, but it isn’t.  Just as the apostle Paul himself was unable to do the right thing at times (Romans 7:15-20).  Equally, Paul mentions in 2 Corinthians that he begged the Lord three times to take a “thorn in his side... a messenger of Satan” away from him—like he had no ability to free himself of this torment.  Would anyone consider Paul weak and unworthy of receiving anything from the Lord?  No, nobody would level that claim against the most famous apostle of Jesus.  And there are countless examples in the Bible of people who struggled.

It’s the same with the concept of faith.

I’d argue that someone with faith and poor mental health is an example of someone with GREATER faith than someone who’s life is going swimmingly along.

The faith of the person who has a dark day after good day is an inspiration when they continue to call upon their God and say humbly, “God, help me, I need you to get through this hour.”

Thankfully we’re living in a day where people are more supported than ever with their mental health concerns, but the culture of society still lags, and the culture within the Christian world—in this particular way—lags further behind than that.

It takes enormous strength to keep fronting up in faith when it’s clear that your mental health isn’t being healed as you’d like.  Christians with ailing mental health are forgiven for having times when they actually give up.

Strength of faith, however, is shown in coming back after days of having faith vanquished.  See how God has the last word, and how God never gives up on us?

Those who give up occasionally but never ultimately give up have great faith, for their occasional or even continual struggles show just how much courage daily living requires.

This sort of strength that feels decidedly like weakness is often criticised as weak, judged as disobedient, and condemned as unworthy, and those that live the struggling life will often self-criticise, and judge and condemn themselves.  It’s never helpful to the struggling when they’re criticised for holding on.

The simple fact is this: an up-and-down life of hardship and struggle under that burden does not exemplify a lack of faith, it reveals it.

God will break and remake

I heard it as loud as a shout, but it was at the same time completely inaudible.  God said to me, “Break and remake.”  It then took me a little while to discern what God was saying.  Then it dawned on me.

God was saying, “I will break down anything that is built in some other name than Mine, and I will remake my church by justice.”  Certainly fits with Psalm 127:1, which says, 

“Unless the Lord builds the house, 
the builders labour in vain.”

In the 60 Minutes Australia program that screened last night, September 19, Hillsong Church was exposed for its culture of deplorable institutional responses to sexual abuse.  Not only did the megachurch fail to promptly and properly investigate these cases, and refer the cases on appropriately including with law enforcement, but it also actively sought to protect the perpetrators, twisting theology of forgiveness and grace to further abuse the abused.

Hillsong Church—as well as a range of other despicable expressions of modern church, namely Bill Hybels’ Willow Creek, Mark Driscolls’ Mars Hill, James MacDonald and C.J. Mahaney’s Sovereign Grace, and we cannot not mention Ravi Zacharias’ International Ministries—have this also to contend with: just about every evangelical church in the world has taken their cue from these ‘heroes of the faith’, so much so that these same celebrity cultures have infiltrated the local church, because power has been made accessible, desirable, and even ‘cool’ and has become the measure of success for the church.  Little wonder now that there exists in churches of all sizes now, pastors and church leaders who have grown entitled to ‘eat their sheep’, because if their ministries are growing, and everything’s working, then there shouldn’t be any complaint if there’s a little collateral damage along the way.  (I know that this isn’t the majority of churches, but there are far too many churches, pastors, and leaders for whom the vulnerable exist as fodder for their machinations.)

I also think, that given we’re due for a reformation, according to Phyllis Tickle, that “Break and remake” could also testify to the concept that the reformation that is in train right now as we speak is a reformation of God not only breaking what is detestable in Divine sight, but remaking out of it something new, fresh, truthful, and glorious—justice for the abused and traumatised, and ultimately, safety and sanctuary for the vulnerable.  

We’ll know that the reformation is in full swing when the culture surrounding Christian ministry is safe.  How that will be achieved locally and globally will soon be revealed.  Nothing other than safety for the vulnerable can be the measure.

Everything that the church does that doesn’t serve God’s purpose will need to be broken.

God will break everything not done truly for the Kingdom’s glory, and God will remake something beautiful out of that brokenness, which is a justice for the vulnerable, whether that be in this life or in the life to come.

God will break what was built that profanes the name of God, because what profanes the name of God is a broken humanity that breaks human beings through abuse and trauma.

God will remake the church out of the broken pieces, but God will only use the broken pieces that truly serve the Lord’s Kingdom.

God makes the most beautiful things out of broken pieces, especially as the Lord puts our lives back together.  But lives should not be broken in the first place, hence it is better for anyone to be drowned at the bottom of the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to abuse and avoid being held to account.  (See Matthew 18:6-9)

Image from: https://www.reddit.com/r/Damnthatsinteresting/comments/dde2wp/kintsugi_is_the_japanese_art_of_repairing_broken/

Why feeling misunderstood is normal in depression

I love R U OK Day.  I love the theme, and I also love that days like this are about changing the culture within our culture to be more compassionate towards the many who struggle.

But there is something that the world just doesn’t get when it comes to a person suffering a mental health dilemma.  When we’re anxious or depressed, from our own internal viewpoint, we see no empathy, we see no connection, and we see no interest in our world helping us.  We truly feel either somewhat or very unloved and abandoned.

Immediately we are in a depression, and sometimes it can be spiritual attack that takes right there in an instant, or a triggering of some kind, THEN we know this.  It’s profound how isolated and foreign to the world we feel when we’re struggling.  And it doesn’t really matter a great deal if our environment is supportive or not at that point.  In many ways, we’re unreachable.

This is something as clinicians we’re very clear about.  You cannot assume that you have the faintest chance of understanding someone until, by chance, they say to you that they feel understood.  Until then, you’re in the dark.

When you feel a blend of confusion, overwhelm, and that you’re misunderstood, especially if your hope has evaporated, and all joy and peace has gone out the window, you feel as if you are beyond help and a complete burden on anyone who would try to help.  This is a huge barrier to overcome, but those who do help aren’t daunted by this sort of barrier, because they themselves have been there before.  Those who do help are the wounded healers in the Henri Nouwen tradition of practice.

But what the world needs to know and understand and accept, is feeling understood is the primary unconscious hope of the person who’s struggling.  But their default is, “How on earth can my world understand me, when I don’t understand me, what’s going on, and what to do about it?”

When we’re depressed, we feel shut in.  We feel cornered and isolated.  All energy has been drained and despair fills the void hope left behind.  You suspect you’ve been running ‘strong’ for too long, you fear you’ve run out of steam, and worries for burnout are real, and worst of all, you just don’t know how you’re going to get the time and space to recover.

Fear runs deep in the overwhelm.  And sorrow for hopes that seem impossibly far off.

You dare not hope that your world, or important people in your world would understand, but you desperately need them to, so that leaves you in a place of expecting someone to reach out and be your miracle.  This is a desperately sad reality destined for disappointment.

Whether your world or those within your sphere understand or not, again, is irrelevant.  Until the person with depression is themselves convinced that they’re understood, the default is that you don’t understand.

It’s important for those helping, for those wounded healers, to know this, and to operate with this knowledge front of mind—not as a put off, but as the very angle of approach that’s needed.  To hear something like this:

“Hey, I know that you must feel that I can’t possibly understand you right now, and I accept that I can’t really know, but I am interested, and I do want to be there for you as you may need.  Please know that I’m not forcing my way in, but I’m here for you to sit with you, to help you, and if I could, to offer some words of encouragement and love.  Would that be okay?”

46 things I’ve learned in 46 years of marriage, by Valerie Greenlaw Wolff

My husband, Cameron, and I are celebrating 46 years of marriage, today, September 13th. We’ve had our “moments”, our struggles, our periods of discontent or disenchantment, and even our moments of almost giving up. There were probably times we weren’t “in love” with each other, but we focused on the big “C” throughout it all – commitment. In this day and age of “disposable” things, we didn’t want to dispose of our relationship. We built our relationship on a solid base of mutual respect, concern and compassion for the other person, plus simply wanting the best for each other.

God has been faithful to us. He blessed us with two daughters and now two granddaughters. He has stood by us in the storms. He gave us peace and strength when we didn’t think we could go on. He gave us to each other to be life companions, to share an unbelievable journey of love and friendship. And for this, we are grateful.

1). The number one lesson I’ve learned, and that I’ve shared with couples who are contemplating marriage or who are in marriage counseling – is that your spouse has to be your best friend. Period.

2). Think, before you speak – ask yourself, “what is this going to feel like to him/her when I say this?” 

3). Empathy is crucial. Even if you don’t understand what they are trying to communicate with you, even if you disagree with it, practice empathy towards them.

4). You have to both be on the same page in terms of raising kids. Granted, one can be more of the disciplinarian and one can be more of the “softy” – but the message has to be consistent. 

5). Don’t talk disparagingly about your spouse in front of him/her when in a social situation. Sometimes, lighthearted banter is okay, but criticisms (even if given with a wink or roll of an eye or laughter) can destroy the trust between the two of you. Why would you want to embarrass your spouse like that? And the people around you will think less of you, not your spouse, for what you have done.

6). Go to church together. I know some people aren’t religious/spiritual, but it is known that those who have a solid basis of faith tend to have marriages that last longer.

7). Along with # 6, pray together. 

8). Along with # 6 & 7, pray for your spouse every day. 

9). Along with # 6, 7, & 8, pray for your marriage every day. 

10). It’s okay to argue, at times, in front of the kids, as long as there is no name-calling or cuss words or physical/verbal abuse going on. You need to model healthy disagreements and show your kids how to resolve the problem after the argument. 

11). Learn the concept of “agree to disagree”. There will be some things which the other person is adamant about, and you can’t quite understand their position. But, there comes a time when you need to accept that they will not agree with you and vice-versa. Of course, if it is a huge issue and you keep on disagreeing about it, then marriage counseling may be indicated at that point. 

12). Have fun together. Everyday. 

13). It’s okay to tease, but it is imperative to know when to stop. 

14). Try hard not to say, “I told you so”, even if you are correct. Especially when you are correct. 

15). Trust is based on telling the truth. 

16). Along with #15, white lies are not the truth. 

17). Along with #16 and #17, if truth is painful, surround it with compassion when delivering it. 

18). Never ridicule or demean in private (kind of goes along with #5 when in public). This is just not constructive at all and is akin to emotional abuse.  

19). Kids are like sponges – they absorb everything. They will absorb your moods, your styles of relating to each other, your language, etc. Always keep that in the forefront of your mind, always, even if they aren’t around. 

20). A sense of humor is imperative. Yup. And, learn how to laugh at yourself as well.  

21). Learn how to ask each other if the goal of the conversation is venting or problem-solving.  

22). If your spouse offers to help you, let them, even if they don’t do it quite the way you would prefer that they do it. 

23). Along with #22, bear in mind that if you keep on refusing your spouse’s offer to help you, they will then stop offering. You don’t want to be in that position, because then you will feel like you are doing everything!

24). Along with #22 & #23 – thank your spouse profusely after helping you. And, offer to do something to help them as a way of saying thank you, or make a special meal or a thank you card. 

25). On the topic of helping, it’s okay to ask your spouse for help as well. it’s not a sign of weakness or lack of intelligence to ask. 

26). It’s not your responsibility to “fix” your spouse. Read that very carefully. Your spouse is responsible for his/her own issues and happiness. 

27). Listen to your spouse. If it’s boring, still listen. If it’s something “heavy”, listen with your heart as well as your ears. If it’s constructive criticism, look at is as an opportunity to learn something about yourself and perhaps change it.

28). If what you are saying or doing is hurting your spouse, just please stop doing it. 

29). Treat each other with respect. 

30). Have each other’s back.  

31). Do something the other person enjoys, even if you hate doing it, and do it without complaint and with a smile on your face. Even the boring stuff. 

32). Teach new things to one another – a skill, a song, an adventure, etc. 

33). Open up and share how you are feeling. 

34). Risk being vulnerable with one another, at every level.  

35). Tell each other about your upbringing and discuss things from the past that might get in the way of having a good relationship. Our ideas of marriage are often times based on the model our parents gave to us, and if that was an unhealthy model, it might affect our relationship with our spouse. 

36). Learn how to express anger, disappointment, irritability, etc. in constructive ways. It’s good to take a break and calm down before trying to resolve issues. Some people want to continue talking in the heat of the moment, but that is not usually a healthy way to communicate with each other. Take a walk, give yourself a timeout in another room – do whatever you can to do some deep breathing. Discussion can be postponed for up to 12 hours, but any longer than that can create a whole different set of problems. 

37). If you do seek marriage counseling, choose the counselor with extreme care. That person can actually do more damage to your relationship if they are not qualified to guide you in resolving your differences. Remember – counselors do not give advice. They do, however, help you to come up with your own solutions to your marital woes. 

38). If you are an extrovert married to an introvert, please recognize the introvert gets their energy from time alone rather than in groups of people or doing certain activities outside of the home. You will never change him/her into becoming an extrovert, so just respect their need for alone time. However, if you are an introvert, you can’t use your need for quiet as a way of getting out of doing things with our spouse – you do have to participate in some things with the other one sometimes. It’s okay to decide how frequently you can go out of your comfort zone for each other’s benefit. 

39). Remember – you can’t use explaining of your behaviors as an excuse to keep on doing that behavior. 

40). Interrogation is a no-no. Compassionate inquiry is the way to go. 

41). Speak words of encouragement to each other daily. 

42). Emotional intimacy is important, as is physical intimacy. Both forms of intimacy are vulnerable gifts you give to each other. 

43). Affirmations last a long time. 

44). Letting each other know where you’re going and what time you’ll be back is a common courtesy. It’s not an issue of control. 

45). Privacy is necessary. It’s far different than being secretive. Respect each other’s privacy, but don’t keep things secret from each other either. 

46). Woah. The last one. Love one another, as the Lord loves you. 

Mental health check-in and tune-up for this long tenuous season

Predicting the sweep of the pandemic, region to region, is about as fraught as speculating on a horse race or the stock market immediately prior to the favourite being scratched or a market plunge.

Whatever country we live in, however the journey of 2020 and 2021’s been like, we’ve all been seriously challenged, internationally, nationally, locally, relationally, socially, emotionally, financially, personally.  Even as I type these words, I imagine people rolling on the floor laughing it’s that much of a cataclysmic understatement.  What a toll it’s taken!

These past two years have tested our mettle in so many ways, from lockdowns to job losses to extreme shortages of vital supplies to changes in everything from the way we celebrate weddings to the way we grieve at funerals.  Holiday making has been transformed in so many ways, essential workers have been pushed beyond the limit for month after month, and so very many people have died earlier than they should have.

What has possibly changed most of all is our bearing for where life’s at.  In just about every realm of being we’ve been challenged.  We feel insecure about the longevity of everything; our work, our leisure, our homes, the futures of vulnerable loved ones, and especially our personal mental health, and that of those we care about.

There are those who have been blindsided by loss so great that dealing with the grief is overwhelming, and there’s no simple answer for recovery in those situations.  These number the millions worldwide.

Anxiety-related conditions we know anecdotally are more prevalent than ever.  Stress is at an all-time high, more to the point we’re facing situations where we’re chronically stressed — the stress just doesn’t seem to dissipate.  Depression too becomes the lowest common denominator, usually because we’ve ‘stayed strong’ for too long.  Learned helplessness is becoming the enduring reality for too many.

Will we ever get back to a sense of normalcy?  Or, do we need to get used to this sort of constant state of flux for the foreseeable future?  These and so many more (including those we don’t even know to ask) are the 64-billion-dollar questions.

What can we do to retain or reclaim some sense of empowerment?

Well, we need to stick with or get back to those things that have always worked; the things that will always work.  For many it’s the case that new rhythms and routines need to be established.

STRATEGIES FOR PHYSICAL, SPIRITUAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH

There is what we might call a golden triad for health — sleep, diet, exercise — for one thing; some of the most sensible basics we can invest in for overall wellbeing.

Attending to our physical health needs, I think, caters for up to half of our wellbeing needs overall.  That, and being supervised by a medical practitioner so a holistic approach can be taken, including pharmaceuticals.

Just getting enough good quality sleep is a masterstroke to ward off depression in most people.  A lot of anger and frustration and stress can be alleviated through at least three sessions of vigorous exercise each week.  And eating good food in moderate portions is an incredibly powerful strategy all its own.

Coming back to the spiritual triad — faith, hope, love — is the essence of keeping our soul nourished.

We’re comforted that there are no shortage of opportunities to show faith in these uncertain times.  Faith is measured by how well we trust.  That will be a problem for those of us who have had, or who have, significant relational issues with others.  Faith stretches our trust in the direction of God.  Having things to look forward to buoys our hope.  Hope amends much anxiety, and I always find that when I have hope, peace and joy tend to be present as well.  Love is the greatest test of all.  Being able to love and to receive love is often, again, a test of trust.

Mentally, there are several psychological schemas to consider; for instance, focusing on the internal locus of control rather than having an external locus of control.

Having an internal locus of control, I can decide how I react and respond to what happens to me.  I retain my own empowerment.  But I am disempowered if I feel everything happens to me and I have no control, and therefore I must blame others — because I believe I have little or no control.  That is an external locus of control — everything that happens, happens outside of me.  Study and adopt the internal locus of control; it’s powerful!

It’s similar to becoming focused on the things beyond my control — my circle of concern — instead of being concerned about what I can impact — my circle of influence.  Nobody can live a productive life when they can’t exert control over their world to at least some extent.  Study and adopt thinking that focuses on your circle of influence — what you CAN affect.

I have only mentioned two thinking schemas here.  Another one worthy of looking into further is biases — what biases ought I be aware of that are impacting in some way my mental health.

Finally, a very important input to good or poor mental health is the issue of our relationships and conflict in them.  Not many people have no problematic relationships, and toxic relationships are a significant stressor.

ACCEPTING WHAT CANNOT BE CHANGED + GRATITUDE

Probably the most important thing we can do is accept what we cannot change.  This gives us huge perspective.  This is about viewing life through the lens of objective truth.

So many things that are within our circle of concern just don’t bear any significant additional thought because we cannot change them.

What comes with acceptance is the peace of serenity.

Part of this exercise is about looking at, facing indeed, those things we can only be grateful for.  Today it was, “Wow, my body works, and I don’t have any diagnosed conditions that I know of.”  It was also, “I’m thankful that we’re relatively financially secure at this moment in time.”

Gratitude will help a lot, and so will being disciplined about how much (or little) thought is wasted being frustrated about things that cannot be influenced or changed by ourselves.

Most of all, become conscious about how much you let guilt and shame inhabit you.  Guilt only has a momentary purpose in helping us repent, then it’s useless and harmful.  Shame is always harmful.

Be gentle with yourself, but also hold yourself to account.

Photo by Dylan Taylor on Unsplash

The strength of compassion needed in difficult relationships

I went to see the motion picture of Aretha (Re) Franklin’s life today, Respect.  One thing is for sure.  There were a number of difficult relationships in Re’s life.  With her father, with her first partner, Ted White, but not so much with second partner, Ken Cunningham.

Ken Cunningham plays a compassionate man who enters Re’s life when she’s had enough pussyfooting around controlling, demanding men (her father and Ted White).  Sadly, as the movie depicts it, he sees her spiral into her own alcohol-fuelled descent.

Rather than face a husband who’s demanding, Re herself becomes the demanding, controlling ‘queen’.

Only via an encounter with her deceased mother does she come to her senses.

At every point, Ken Cunningham, the husband, is compassionate and full of understanding and mercy.

There’s only one thing for a difficult relationship.

Meeting control on the terms of control doesn’t work—it produces fireworks.  Meeting control with submission also is not the answer.  Re submitted routinely to Daddy and to Ted, yet she gets nowhere; it only leads to more violence, where she is left on the receiving end, again and again.

But with Ken Cunningham it’s different.

He absorbs Re’s fury without submitting to it, and he’s there ready for her when she’s picking up all those alcohol bottles when she begins to dry out.  He’s got the strength in the difficult relationship not to be the doormat, and also to hold out hope for change.

The person who has the strength of compassion is the one to be in a relationship with.

Not the one who is a seething time bomb who only needs the wrong set of circumstances to blow up and abuse.

The weakness in the one who must have their demands, who must coerce and control, is a weakness that’s borne by everyone else, or in the context of a partnership, to the one who must wilt to their pressure.

But the one who is mature to the depths of compassion has reserves of strength to bear a struggle.  Not that a compassionate person’s to be taken for granted—but they will be.

The strength of compassion is necessary if difficult relationships are to be endured and ameliorated.  Any of us who consider ourselves peacemakers will need a ton of compassion for both others and ourselves if we’re to sustain a vision of holding and containing weaker (controlling, demanding) persons long-term.

But sometimes it doesn’t matter how much strength of compassion you have.  There are some people, relationships and dynamics that will not work no matter what.

There comes a time in these kinds of relationships where you say enough’s enough.

It’s about recognising where you’ve been strongly compassionate and equally recognising that that strength has gotten you nowhere because of their obstinance.

Those who have the strength of compassion have the capacity to see that they’ve done their best, and doing your best is always good enough.  It’s all that can be done.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

No matter how bad life gets we’re still one with another

I was reminded just now how important a soul is.  And as I remembered, I was reminded how important my soul is.  We’re precious, you and me.

Yet, as we go through life and are occasionally chewed up and spat out—by systems, people, organisations, relationships—we quickly forget that we’re priceless masterpieces made in the image of a Creator.

No matter how bad life gets we’re still one with another, and so long as we don’t neglect this fact, we’ll be okay, even if we aren’t okay.

In remembering the value of the sister, the brother, the fellow human being, we’re quickly reminded of our own value.  And even if we feel slighted, hard-done-by, exhausted and underappreciated, at least we don’t self-destruct.

In remembering our innate value to ourselves, our families, our world, our Creator—in facing our value and in our acknowledging it—we’re humbled and restored at the same time.

No matter how bad life gets, if we know our value, we’re safer than if we dismissed our value outright.

You are valuable, as valuable as anyone else who’s ever lived or will live, no matter who you are.  I don’t know what you think of Jesus, but the facts of Jesus’ life and death prove that you matter as much as anyone else, ever.

Even as I read those words of the previous paragraph, I also often need reminding.  It’s why I write this.  We all need reminding.  Occasionally we may fall for the lie that we don’t matter.  We do.

If you’re in a place of being where you’re seriously doubting your worth—and you’re not alone, because there are many of us who doubt occasionally or more often—I pray you’ll use this opportunity to be reminded.

There is nobody like you and the world needs you at this time that you’re alive.

It’s the care and the connection with another human being that will remind us of our value.

Photo by Catia Dombaxe on Unsplash

The whisper of death awakens life

Devastating phone calls and texts come when we least expect them.  Today, while I was operating as a field safety officer at an emergency exercise, I was alerted to a friend being in palliative care with only days to live.  The last time I saw him was for a pub lunch last year, and he was in fine fettle.

As I digested the news, especially being a pastor, you know what you must do.  I wanted to visit.  Because the exercise was two hours out of the city, it was going to be a late visit.

In the room with him, he was unresponsive as I’d expected.  I called another friend who is at work on site and put him on speaker—we both spoke to our friend about some of our memories.

Before this, I’d called my friend’s wife and we’d had two relatively long chats on the phone.

In my work, as I go around checking people’s safety, I often end up in what I call chaplaincy conversations.  Today was no different even in the flurry of a simulated emergency, because there are always some downtimes.

One of these chats we talked about army padres and how important they are—because I’m called ‘padre’ by this ex-army officer co-worker.  Next thing, after having discussed some of the death he’s seen, he says, “It’s scary to think what might happen after we die... I know it probably doesn’t worry you.”

We chatted about it.  I just said it’s my belief that after this life there’s a glorious Kingdom to enter, but that that Kingdom is accessed in the here and now—on earth as in heaven (remember the line from the Lord’s Prayer?).

I didn’t push it.  It was merely a short part of the conversation, and it led to even deeper revelations as I listened, and he shared.

Death rouses us.  The whisper of death awakens us to life.

My friend who’s in palliative care, who is unresponsive, was told nine months ago they couldn’t do anything more for him.  His body was dying.  But his mind and his heart were not ready to let go.  He’s a fighter, always has been.

When it comes to life, none of us want to give up the fight.  None of us want to die, because even those who do give up the fight do so only because life seemed harder to them than death.

Not only does the whisper of death remind us to fight for life, the whisper of death also connects us to the lives we’d otherwise continue to be disconnected from.

I wonder if you’ve pondered death and whether you fear it and why.  I think it’s understandable to fear death if it’s because you leave loved ones behind who will mourn your absence, or because it wrecks you that you’ll have to say goodbye.

The truth is though, the more we carry about the death of Jesus in ourselves, the more we’re alive for the life that stands to be lived in the here and now.  The fact we’re alive inspires gratitude, simply for the air we breathe and the hopes that propel us forward each day.

The presence of death can remind us that today is our opportunity to do what tomorrow has no assurance of.  The least we can do is tell our family and friends that we love them.

Photo by lucas Favre on Unsplash

The strength it takes to endure in your weakness

Reaching out when you’re feeling weak is not weakness but strength.  Even if you feel weak, you’re not weak when you take the risk to reach out and get help.  Yes, it can be exhausting, even debilitating, and that’s why you know it takes strength to do.  You’re strong to reach out.

But... you’re not weak if you’re too weak to reach out.  You’re not weak for being weak, you’re forgiven for needing to rest a while, garner what little strength you have, to prepare for the next effort.

Your courage in looking high and low for a way through your recovery is inspiring, even if you don’t think it’s anything special.  If I were to ask you, “How hard have you worked to get through this?” your heart would say, “As hard as I can, always.”

You’re doing the best you can with what you have at present.  I know because I’ve been there, and it’s only a matter of time before it’s mine or somebody else’s turn.  Depression and anxiety don’t discriminate.  Nor does loss, and grief takes us into myriad form of emotion and thought patterns we can’t always control.

When you’re weak you feel exposed and vulnerable, and it never feels good, but try and acknowledge that it takes a great deal of strength to endure as you’re enduring right now.

Take heart.  What you’re learning now will have a purpose, especially as you’ll probably want to pay the support forward that you’re receiving right now.

Only as we look back from an utter collapse do we see just what we got through.

With 20/20 hindsight it’s often as if you recognise just how strong you were when you were feeling most weak.

Take heart, take it easy, don’t give up.