2 responses in anxious times – empathy or exploitation

I’m feeling a little angry at present, and I know that’s because of anxiety, which is a response to feeling out of control, because friends are losing jobs, people are losing their lives, and every feeling person is at least a little on edge.

These are times we could have imagined, but somehow only seem fit at the cinemas.

The bizarre thing is those who would dearly love to work are losing their jobs, whilst those who society demands that they work stand to burnout and are at acute risk of infection.

I know people on both sides of the ledger.  For us, none of our work is so vital to the function of society that we’re guaranteed income.  Yet, I’ve got family members and friends who are under pressure to work every minute they’re rostered on.

Then we look at the statistics — particularly deaths.  Much of the time in different jurisdictions we look at that low 1-5% figure, but many of us wonder if we or a loved one or dear friend will end up in that column.

Then there’s the anonymous person who does fit in that column — they died early.

When it comes to life and death, it really doesn’t matter how ‘rare’ the cases are; we still wonder if death may come calling.  And I don’t care if you’re Christian, and you have an eternity with Christ to look forward to, nobody wants to leave their loved ones behind.

Then there are those who are clearly still stuck in their own bubble — I think of people with such heavily vested interest in themselves that that’s all you’ll hear about.  And although it’s a temptation for all of us, it makes me sick at such a time as this.  And yet, particularly at a time as this, we may see them in their true colours.

There are those who are geared to exploit people and there are those who go the opposite way and hand-deliver empathy to everyone’s door — those run off their feet at work and those who’ve just lost their job.

Those who exploit people in this present crisis will always make every conversation about them and watch them twist scenarios to their own advantage when everyone’s looking the other way because of the stress they’re under.  Watch out for the ulterior motive, the sleight of hand.

But there are also those who live to understand others, who seek to know their needs, who connect with the suffering in every individual, and who insist on putting others first.  Those who literally are God in skin.

While some are geared to manipulate,
compassionate others are geared to bless.

The narcissist makes it all about themselves, and yes, they can even make their interest in the other person a manipulation, too.  They do their best conniving work when people think they’re a hero, and because trust is implicit, they get away with murder while everyone’s looking away either too stressed to notice or applauding them.

The empath is blessed in being a blessing but they’re also running the risk of burnout themselves through compassion fatigue.  And naturally they’ll tire of others taking advantage.

It’s discouraging to the maximum when everyone expects you to listen to every bother they have, yet nobody is interested in listening to even one of the many burdens you bear.  This is the true empath’s reality!

Watch for people’s responses to their own anxiety.  Do they recognise it and then are wise enough to care for another and therefore are a means of support, or do they extract every minute’s attention and make it about themselves?

Like in life in general, and just as much now, we can either empathise or exploit.  The empath encourages everyone not to panic, but the narcissist exploits panic.

Photo by Tonik on Unsplash

We didn’t choose it or plan it, but it chose us, and our plans changed

There are moments etched in our history that define us, and I know so many people for whom this is indelibly true.  Whether it’s a great escape or an incredible moment of fortune or it was a tragedy we just had to endure, those things don’t just change us, they become us.

When Sarah and I walked our one-year-old out of the ultrasound rooms bewildered with numbness back in July 2014 we knew our world had changed.  It took us weeks to acclimatise to that news, but surely there was worse news on the horizon.  We still look back in a sense of bewilderment as to how we got through, and just how faithful God was to carry us when we were weak and without.

We neither chose to lose our son Nathanael to stillbirth nor did we plan any of it, and yet plans were made, and we ultimately had to choose to walk that path.  We may not have had a choice, but realistically we did.

We chose to keep stepping, because of all things it is easier to keep stepping forward than it is to throw ourselves onto the ground in a tantrum.

Somehow we found solace in that, even in preparing to lose our baby who grew so well in the womb, at least we had each other, and amid the craziness of betrayal smashed into our ambiguous grief along with a numbing time schedule, we learned to laugh at the silliest of things.

That period defined us and many of the closest people to us in a way that still blows us away.  Such events should have completely vanquished our hope.  They should have crushed us into the ground.  They should have finished us.  But they didn’t.

You know in the times that seemed beyond the pale for you, that certain things hold together in disaster.  Somehow what should completely overwhelm us, doesn’t.  Even if it seems to overwhelm us at the time, inevitably we do crawl up from the canvas.

The memory of driving home, for me it was a fragment of vision going over a bridge, stays with me, and it’s a core memory of a time that chose us, a time our plans were changed.

Our times are changing, and they have indeed changed our plans.  Not a single one of us isn’t completely shocked by what has happened in the past few weeks.  In Australia two months ago, it was bushfires.  The current situation has put that way back into the shade.

We accepted our lives were changing back in 2014, and though we didn’t like it, we found it far easier to roll with it than to do anything else.  And it worked out.

We will look back from years ahead of now and find that it worked out.

If you feel inclined to share, you may.

Routine could save your sanity and keep your family safe in the weeks and months ahead

I know it sounds boring, but the thought of weeks and months of self-isolation is boring at best.  It is potentially deadly at worst, and that’s not because of the Coronavirus.

The real threat is what this may do to the fabric of our society as represented through what happens in the millions of homes in every country over the face of the earth.

There are many ‘homes’ where children are not safe, just as there are many where a partner or family are not safe, because of children or adults who will not respond well to such isolation.

One of our saving graces is the self-care that until a few weeks ago we would read much of.  We don’t see much of that at present.  Everything is about COVID-19.

But to get through this crisis alive — and yes again, that’s nothing about the impact of the virus, and more about remaining intact as a family and as individuals — we will need to really watch our mental health.

Routine is all important — especially in terms of diet (even if our diets will be severely restricted), sleep (which will be difficult because we may end up in all sorts of bad practices), and exercise (which will also be more difficult than it ever has been).

We will need to be especially prayer and mindful of hope in connection with our relationship with God.  We will need to believe that life will return to normal again, even if our world may be remarkably changed for it.

It will be vitally important for each of us to help those who rely on us to maintain some kind of healthy routine, for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.

At least in this way we keep what is within our control within our control.  We will not be able to control the losses that are coming, but at least we will stay strong enough to survive.

To attain a good routine and to maintain it will take quite a bit of work and self-discipline, but if we’re to survive these unprecedented times in our own history, we will need to pay close attention to receiving and abiding by God’s help.

God will help us as we help ourselves.  Obviously in saying this I’m mindful of children and adults for whom remaining safe is a mirage.  For those adults who are in charge of households, it will be vital for us to work out a routine that everyone can accept and thrive through.

Routines provide predictability in volatile times.  They give young minds some basis with which to be grounded.  In routine there’s at least some semblance of safety and security.  Routines that provide a means of fun, creativity, rest and peace will help anxious minds and sad hearts.

Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

Coronavirus, anxiety, stress, depression, your mental health

The present situation is shifting so rapidly it feels more like a horror movie than reality, and the general response of panic buying, and slow governmental responses worldwide isn’t doing a lot to help.

Everyone is forgiven for feeling anxious, if for no other reason than for the uncertainty that surrounds much of life right now.  It’s completely understandable to feel out of control.  Travel bans, social distancing, lockdowns, loss of jobs, livelihoods, life.  That list runs on.

For those who already have mental health ailments, this situation will only exacerbate your condition.  For those who are rubbing the edges of burnout or depression, the current state of play may well tip you into dangerous territory.  Keep yourself safe.

Then there are the rest of us, who, over the coming days, weeks and months may with little doubt tip over into the trial of self.  Hazard to say, suicide rates will spike.  We must prepare ourselves for the burdens to come, indeed those that are bearing down right now.

Here are some things to ponder as you endeavour to manage your mental health:

·                   Know that whoever you are, whatever you do or have done, what you have or don’t have, you are valuable just as you are!

·                   Practice self-care the best you can.  Make time for yourself and plan to do things that give you hope, that are enjoyable, that make you laugh, and that fulfil you

·                   Get a support network around you.  If it’s self-isolation, get connected through Zoom or Skype or some similar platform of video messaging.  Staying connected to people is vital for mental health

·                   Know that if you’re depressed or if you get depressed that you’re a normal human being, capable of being impacted mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  It’s no indication that you are weak or ‘less than’ anyone else, and indeed, it just shows you are human

·                   Stay as hopeful as you can.  List things you have to look forward to, and if there isn’t anything you’re looking forward to, keep thinking hard for what you can look forward to

·                   Don’t feel ashamed for not being able to cope, for needing to reach out, for having to rely on others when you would not want to

This current pandemic will probably be the biggest thing that will happen in our lifetime.  No matter how you cut it, this pandemic will not only infect hundreds of millions, possibly billions.

Even though the vast majority of us will recover, many of our older and elderly loved ones, and many other vulnerable people, are at acute risk of death.  That means the people we love.  There is much loss ahead of us.

As we read the words in real time it just has to impact us.  We wouldn’t be human if it didn’t.

We need to be gentle with ourselves when we regale with shock.  We need to be able to talk about how it makes us feel with sensible persons who will help us process our feelings and thoughts.  We need to be able to reconcile what we think and feel.

Sometimes humour helps.  If you can laugh, do so.  It may help save your sanity.  Whatever you do, know that you are valuable just the way you are, and you staying safe is very important.

 Photo by DANNY G on Unsplash

COVID-19... You’re not panicking if you’re concerned for your loved ones

It’s seems many people are a bit ticked off that people are panicking about the Coronavirus.

Let’s look at the facts.

Unprecedented actions are being taken by governments and organisations all over the globe.

The virus has killed over four thousand people.  Many more than that number of vulnerable people will die.  Most people will recover.

The rate of infection (new cases reported) is climbing every day.  The fast transmission of this virus is the main concern.

The “panic” is not just about the health impacts of the virus.  With the economic, social and hygiene ramifications alone, it’s complicated.

What we might deduce from these facts.

Containment measures are wise and sensible.  These are not “overreactions”.

The general public are wise to plan.  Anyone who has frail family members has the right to feel gravely concerned.

You don’t need to feel that you are “panicking” just because you’re caring for your parents or grandparents or family member with special needs or other susceptible person.

Indeed, it could be said that you taking this seriously might save their life.

If you are one of the vulnerable ones in our communities, you can be forgiven for feeling distressed.  Try to stick with factual sources of information.  And take good care.

Don’t be intimidated by people telling you, “Stop panicking!”

** My first degree is a Bachelor of Science from a School of Public Health, and I worked in the occupational health field for over 15 years.

Image from the Center for Disease Control.

Dysfunctional family dynamics to come in the face of COVID-19

Today I received an email from my son’s school forecasting the need for the school to prepare to send lessons home.  It is written in the tense of not if but when.  So much seems to have changed in just one day; a day we hear a cavalcade of considered business responses from all kinds of organisations cancelling events, trips, and planning for worse to come.

The impending reality is families will inevitably face more time together.  There are some significant social issues that will arise.

Presuming we love our families and that we love spending time with our families, even in these cases, it will be an incredibly challenging time.

We’re talking the wholesale removal of everyone from their contexts; employees from their workplaces and children from schools.

Of course, it’s worst case and that may not happen.  But as we watch from relatively (at present!) safe corners of the world, seeing numbers rise and the thought of the virus closer to us each day, we’re forced to reconcile that what always felt impossible to anyone other than an epidemiologist is spreading unfailingly and irrepressibly toward all of us.

The challenges for the family of a pandemic occurring like this are vast.  It’s not just that there will be more enforced time together, which can leave families feeling out of control and vulnerable in conflict, but there may be no way of leaving the home for respite.

Also, there is the situation that there will no doubt be limited resources and supplies available.  Add to this the fear of getting the virus, or the reactions of actually acquiring it, together with the stress placed on services pushed to breaking point that impacts families’ confidence in them, increasing their stress substantially.

Whenever we as humans feel caged, we can resort to insane behaviours because of the stress involved.  Stress begets conflict and conflict begets stress.  All of it contributes to the pain we feel of being out of control.

All these dynamics cause stress on families, and for those families already burdened by significant stress, it can be a burden to great, and the family structure can implode.  What occurs then is violence, even violent crimes.

For families who are already toxic by nature, the overflow may well be anarchy.

Those who are subject already to dysfunctional family dynamics may not plan for what is coming, and this will make it all the worse.  Everybody needs to plan for it, but dysfunctional families involve those who cannot and will not take responsibility for their lives, and they blame others to boot, creating even more tension.

Functional families will tend to begin their preparations now, and they may well find that their significant preparations are only barely adequate.  But at least they minimise the stress.

Families who have nowhere near as much agency will face extremely stress-filled circumstances in the coming days, weeks and months, and many myriad of horrors may take place as a result.

They might be ‘sorry’, but do they mean it in their heart?

In a world and a life where none of us can escape relating with people, there is a quality required of each of us as we interact.

Because none of us is perfect, each of us has the special responsibility to make good of those things we get wrong (as much as that’s possible) and to seek the forgiveness of those we have wronged.

Nobody is saved from this responsibility.  It’s a requirement of everyone.

There are those who do not get this concept.  They may feign their apologies, meaning they don’t really apologise.  They resist saying sorry.  They may never utter the words, or understand what they did, or have any desire to make it right.  They may therefore never seek forgiveness, because it doesn’t matter to them what your thoughts or feelings are.  They don’t care about repentance, because they are in the right in their own minds.  These kinds of people obviously cause a great deal of relational harm.

Then there are those who do say sorry, eventually.  They may seem to understand the gravity of what they did, eventually.  In understanding, they do seek our forgiveness, eventually.  They may therefore appear reluctant.  This doesn’t always mean they’re insincere or stubborn, but you could be forgiven for feeling they are.

Now, to the crux of the article:

How can we tell if they really get it, if they really see what they did wrong, if they can see what it was that hurt us and why, if they can see their need of our forgiveness?

This is such a penetrating question, and who truly knows what’s in a person’s heart other than them?  This article is an attempt to help us determine where their heart is at.

How can we check a person’s heart — their integrity and whether they mean what they say.

Well, true apologies are resilient.  They stick.

When a person is truly sorry, they stay sorry.  Their heart recognises they’re in debt and they know that the other person’s mercy is the only thing that will appease that debt.

In other words, their saying sorry, their appearance of regret, their seeking of forgiveness, all may simply be tested by a little gentle and kind push back on those very issues the apology is related to.

When I say a little push back, I mean we’re doing them the honour of taking them seriously, by giving them a hearing.

If we’re to accept the apology, we must ensure it’s real.  The gift of our forgiveness is to be esteemed and valued by them.  And whilst we’re commanded to forgive, such a gift can never be taken for granted.  The gift of forgiveness is costly!  It costs us.

It would be wrong to accept an apology and give our forgiveness if they didn’t mean their apology and they weren’t genuinely seeking our forgiveness.

At this point, we may have already been ready to forgive them in our hearts.  But we know they’ll learn very little, and possibly nothing at all, if we accept an untested apology.

We know when we’ve received an insincere apology by their response.  It seems we can all sense the injustice of a person having come to us thinking that their wrongs are easily excused.  We do want people to be honest.

If they’re sorry, they will behave like they’re sorry.  And they won’t stop being sorry just because we prob a little to determine if they’re really sincere.  Indeed, it’s in their response to our gentle and kind probing, in determining their sincerity, that will assure us of their real intent.  If they accuse us of being unfair or unforgiving for testing their apology, we have a problem.  They’re probably not sincerely sorry.

But...

How wonderful it is to receive a full, unreserved apology that stands up responsibly to a little scrutiny.  This adequately earns our mercy.  It is easy to forgive someone whose heart is contrite.

NOTE: if the wrong the person did is a very significant betrayal, it can take us a significantly long time to accept the apology and forgive.  Part of apologising in these circumstances is for the person to remain sincere and to trust that you will eventually accept their apology and forgive them.  They must remain sincere.

Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash

Conflict is an opportunity, especially in marriage

We speak in these times in generalisations, and there are always exceptions to every rule.  One rule we can stick to, however, is the concept that in every conflict there is an opportunity — the key one, to refuse the temptation to go down the slippery slope of attacking our partner or escaping whatever ails us or them and thereby never addressing anything.

The imperative with all this is at the extremes — attack at the extremities is assault, violence, murder, and at the other extremity of escape we have the equivalencies of violence that harm the self, and thereby harm others.

Mishandled conflict always has tragic consequences.

There is no place in the concept of the whole of our lives where this has more relevance than in the home and in marriage and in family life.  So much that happens in the home is hidden, and only those in the family know the struggles that are borne, the shames that are withheld, and the guilt to which some feel entrapped within — and there are those, too, who feel entitled to do as they damn well please who wreak devastation.

Anyone who has the capacity to see the opportunity benefit in conflict is a safer person to partner with.  If only they can visualise how conflict can strengthen the marriage and family and the individuals that make the family unit up — when it is worked through — there is indeed hope for life within the home.

But if a person cannot see the opportunity benefit in conflict, being that they can only foresee what they stand to lose and what they need to win, it’s hopeless for the rest of the family.  Each adult has an individual responsibility and each person has the capacity to influence the culture of the family unit as a whole — in every single conflict interaction.

If a person stands convinced that the opportunity benefit outweighs the cost of them sacrificing all their own way, the case for them is compelling, in that, selfish responses to conflict spell the death knell to hope for everyone.  But if one partner does this, they need the other to follow suit.

But if a person cannot see that there really is only one choice for hope, they insist upon journeying the collision course of divorce.

Every marriage partner can hope for cooperation in conflict.

It’s the central idea of love beyond differences in marriage.  Only love gets us beyond our differences.

If conflict is not seen as an opportunity — if a person or people do not have faith that there MUST be opportunity within conflict — then anarchy must surely arise, and chaos is their domain.

A marriage arrangement comes with these ideals, and marriage cannot survive let alone thrive where one party (or both) insist on their own way.  That’s not marriage.  That’s an island of selfdom.

It is for each of us in our conflicts to look up, to cry out to God first and foremost, and say, “God, help us, we’re making a mess of this, and we cannot sort it out without you.”

If both people in the partnership can do that — they can get the log out of their own eye — they can say their sincere apologies — they can agree to start over, to forgive and repent and make things right — the partnership is definitely made stronger.

The doorway through conflict to reconciliation is the passage to peace and the hope of life.

Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

It’s normal to feel sad, angry, upset, disappointed, fearful, betrayed, worried...

It’s normal to feel wonderful.  Joy is a capacity we all have.  Peace is a gift that we will all experience.  Love for all that is good.  But it’s also normal to feel those other things we don’t like to feel.

It’s normal to feel sad and to be tempted to cover it up, perhaps because you don’t want to feel vulnerable, or for fear that you’ll be judged.  It’s normal.

It’s normal to feel angry.  We all get angry, and much of it comes from a felt injustice, whether it’s right or wrong.  Listen to your heart; is it truly fear or sorrow or the feeling of being out of control?  To feel angry is normal.  It’s not sinful.  Be careful not to hurt yourself or anyone else though.

It’s normal to feel upset, which is possibly the first feeling you’ll feel as something horrid hits you.  Shock is a very normal human experience, even if it feels like death at times.  Find yourself absorbing the moment, not needing to DO anything.  It’s normal to feel upset when upsetting things happen.  It’s not sinful.

It’s normal to feel disappointed.  You set yourself a certain goal for a situation and it occurs without a thought, and so when the realisation of that goal dissolves into the ether — it’s gone and it’s not coming back — how can you feel anything else than disappointed?  It’s normal to feel gutted.  For days.  Perhaps longer.  It’s normal.  It’s not sinful.

It’s normal to be fearful.  We all have the capacity for fear.  Why on earth are we told “Don’t be afraid” so often in the Bible?  It’s precisely for the reason that we’re legitimately afraid on a regular basis.  It’s normal.  It’s not sinful.  Don’t let anyone make you feel ‘less than’ because you’re afraid.  The goal is faith and that’s a journey.  It’s normal to feel fear.

It’s normal in this relational life to feel betrayed.  It’s amazing how unimportant or miniscule the situation is, and yet we still feel it.  Then there’s the major betrayal you feel you’ll never get over.  It’s normal to feel disregarded and utterly abandoned.

It’s normal to feel worried, anxious, beside yourself.  Many situations and circumstances feel too big for us.  Nobody can rightly criticise us for worrying or feeling anxious.  If they were to love us, they would support us, listen and abide by our side.  It’s normal to be overwhelmed from time to time.

The last thing we need is to feel guilty or ashamed for these normal emotions.

Feel those emotions in the stillness of the troubling moment and reach out calmly as possible for support as you need it.

Whatever you do, don’t condemn yourself for feeling and don’t allow others to do that either.

Photo by Jasmina Rojko on Unsplash