A heart transformed, motivated to make amends

There are many over the years who have come into my counselling room and wondered how they can restore the relationships in their lives.  For me, it seems like the simplest thing in the world, but it is also the hardest.  What’s required is a heart change — to surrender in thought, word, and deed, because you know your life is unmanageable without it.

Whenever I see the word “unmanageable” I always think of the initial steps of the Twelve Step program.  There can never be any power for change in our lives until we accept our lives are unmanageable when we try to control our lives and others’ lives.

And this is the pivot point of Christian discipleship.  Nobody is a true disciple until they pick up their cross and carry it.  Until the person gives up what they cannot keep to gain what they cannot lose they really have no idea what the true Christian life is.

It ought to be self-evident when our relationships are going wrong that our heart is still the problem. Where there is even a modicum of control exerted over another individual, there might be the appearance of being just one degree off, but we might as well be a million miles away.  Nobody, especially wives and children, likes being cornered.

People can detect very quickly who they can trust and who they can’t.  And it doesn’t matter how much we say we are worthy of another person’s trust.  Only THEY can determine whether we are trustworthy or not.  It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.  And yet, when we truly display a heart motivated to make amends, as if nothing else matters, somehow the doors are open to the rebuilding of trust.

Paradoxically, when we are truly motivated to make amends for the bad and wrong things we’ve done in the lives of others, the last thing we’re interested in is arguing that they trust us.  Arguing that they trust us is control!

A transformed heart has absolutely no self-interest, because it knows that self-interest is bondage.  A transformed heart trusts God absolutely, for the timing and circumstances of good things to come.  A transformed heart sows in faith, without any bargaining for a return on investment.  A transformed heart is the antithesis of control.  And when a transformed heart is encountered by those who were hurt, those who were hurt detect that something’s changed.

I’m absolutely convinced that the tenets of the Twelve Step program are pivotal for such a change, and the Twelve Step program is instrumental in overhauling a heart so the covetousness of control can be expunged to be replaced by “a heart of flesh” that is solely motivated around making amends.

When a person is solely motivated by making amends in those closest relationships, miracles start to happen.  And even if those miracles don’t happen immediately, the person who is motivated to make amends does not lose heart, because they are convinced in themselves that it’s what they should do, and always should’ve done.

There is nothing like an accountability in an individual where excuses are no longer acceptable.  In such an individual there is the power of Jesus.  Their capacity for not only confession, but for repentance, is astounding.  They are living as if all they can see is the log in their own eye.  And God’s power runs in such a life to a great extent.

The Twelve Step program, for me, is Christian Discipleship 101.  The Christian life is a heart life.  It really doesn’t matter how much Bible knowledge you have.  What counts is the heart.

The manipulation of counsellors in couples therapy

IMPORTANT NOTE: this article is NOT about you, or anyone in particular that I’ve counselled, but does discuss a common dynamic found in counselling.

There are some people who come to counselling and fully believe they can work the counsellor over.  This is particularly relevant in the present context to couples counselling, but this applies to all modes of counselling.

Narcissistic types will fully believe that not only do they have the right and entitlement to have their way in therapy, but some will also even feel excited by the challenge of it.  To outsmart the counsellor is a worthy, and for some, a necessary, challenge.  Counselling is a worthy challenge.  But deceivers hate being found out!

Let’s face it, if counselling is going to be effective, it WILL be an uncomfortable experience, as counsellees wrestle with truths that will set them free.  The trouble is, some will never submit to such a wrestle with their own material — and STAY in their own stuff.

I’ve had countless conversations with well-meaning pastors and counsellors that tend to proceed like this: “No, he’s not a narcissist, there are signs of compassion and empathy in that one,” and “That apology was genuine,” and “You can tell he was being honest,” and even “He’s suffered a lot as a result of this relationship.”  Notice in this last one the hint of gaslighting.  For the first three, as a counsellor, I try not to conclude that I know one way or the other.  It’s too hard to know what in real terms is inscrutable.  Besides, I don’t see it as a counsellor’s role to adjudicate in and of themselves; part of the process perhaps, but not the whole.

~

ENTITLEMENT, (ZERO) EMPATHY, EXPLOITATION

The biggest trouble is the craftiest people alive thrive on mastering the SKILL of empathy, seeing it as a commodity for the challenging work of deceiving a well-meaning helping professional.  Counselling 101 needs to include the detection of BS.  There is an entitlement in the manipulator to do as they please, with no compunction and no quarter given.  The worst are absolute sociopaths.  Their heart is deceptive through and through.  They know their sin, and they thrive in it.  Their entitlement is to exploit people and situations to the degree that their intelligence grants them access to—yes, it’s a game of outsmarting people with their sheer brilliance.  The craftier the exploitation, the more thrilled some are.

There’s a price on the head of a skilled counsellor or pastor.  That price rises to premium range when the counsellor or pastor comes into the forefront of service for a couple.

Let’s say the couple is a narcissist-empath relationship.  One is an abuser, and the other is the abused.  All too often the abused is painted as the abuser.  The craftiest of people gaslight the other into submission.

The unwary pastor or counsellor is looking for signs of the overtness of abuse in the session, and often it will be reactive abuse that they’ll pick up on, with the goader sitting back saying, “Did you see that?”  Feigning and coming alongside the helper, “helping” them discern their partner is the problem.  The wary pastor or counsellor is not looking for one example of behaviour, but a pattern, because it can take some time to see the manipulator come out of the masquerade of “goodness” camouflage.

The craftiest of people have keenly observed the most empathic of souls, they have studied them, and they can feign empathy with aplomb, and most counsellors and pastors won’t have a clue.  This is because they’re too well-natured, thinking too well of all people.  A few percent of the population thrive on drawing out this well-meaning, want-to-be-liked, fawning nature.

Deceivers can fake the fawn response.  They can fake the freeze and flight response.  And the best of the lot rips the unwary off in a few precious moments, all the while laughing inside.  If only we really could see, we’d be disgusted.

~

Humility is the test of a person.

Those who are humble are capable of contrition.  The narcissist isn’t.  They might say sorry and bellow their fake remorse in a torrent of tears, but they can’t and won’t STAY sorry.  They can’t and won’t stay focused on the log in their own eye.  They can’t and won’t keep surrendering in service of the other.

Apology is all a show so they can avail for themselves the sympathy they’ll USE — again, as a commodity — to get what THEY want.  The emotions are a tool, both their own emotions as they play off of the sympathy they receive from others who are fooled, and those emotions of others that they see not as authenticity but as weakness.

FINAL NOTE: none of the foregoing is said to besmirch the majority of people.  These are simply factors to be held in mind for pastors and counsellors endeavouring to help couples and families and not hinder what otherwise might be done to call truth to bear in lives that will listen.

Unless a husband submits to serve his wife, the family unit crumbles

A husband’s selfless love is a legacy for both his wife and children, and their children’s children.  This is obviously matched by a love of a wife committed to her family.

I’m reminded of the image of such a man who is gentle, humble, considerate, and importantly, unrestrained in the way he allows his wife to operate freely in this world.

He trusts her, but his unrestrained manner should never be confused for detachment.  He is intimately connected to her, and she looks at him with genuine affection and admiration — she does this because he is worthy of it, not that HE thinks he is worthy (often anything but).

A SUBMISSION TO SERVICE

A husband’s mission is missed if he doesn’t submit to the order on his life to serve his wife.

By service, I mean she is due his entire attention and he holds space for her at all times, always thinking ahead to her needs, foreseeing them, preparing for them, providing where he can.  He is humble enough to accept where her needs are served elsewhere and he facilitates this and perhaps this is the very definition of how he meets her needs in a holistic way.

The needs of a wife and family are not as simply identified as material needs; most often they’re relational, emotional, spiritual, and care within the character of humility is to be the domain of the husband.

Traditionally, husbands have been providers of financial resources, and the worst husbands didn’t so much fail to provide fiscally, but they used money and other tangible resources as methods and means of control and coercion.

They showed by this heart that not only did they not love their wives, they in fact hated themselves; they consigned themselves to an abominable place in the eternal setting, a situation that could only be reconciled through a later repentance.

PERFECTION?  NO!

It’s important to add that we’re not envisaging “perfect” husbands — far from it.  Indeed, the more a husband knows how imperfect he is, the more he will humbly account for this and quickly hold himself to account as well as allow others to hold him to account.

There is great gentle strength in a 
person who can be held to account.

He is quick to see his own faults, and instead of letting shame or fear drive him to anger, he humbly submits to the truth (which takes courage) and owns his error, sincerely confessing and repenting, and this heals him and all who are blessed to witness such a work of God that works from within him.

The golden paradox of a submission to serve is a fuller self-recognition of his frailties and foibles.  Blessed is any human being who is honest about how flawed they are.  They know they need others.  They know they must be honest when they get it wrong.  They are quick to set the record straight — and that is NOT about blaming others, it’s about getting the log out of their own eye.  This is a sense of utter alarm that harm has been caused by them, and the goal is quickly to set themselves on a path to reconciling the damage done.  Theirs is not a goal of self-satisfaction, but the satisfaction of others is their benchmark.

A SELFLESS HEART

At the centre of human beings who can submit into the service of others is a heart that sees as God sees.  This is not only possible in a husband, it’s a heart that is necessary for him to succeed to keep his family safe.

Most times I’ve found that wives tend more naturally to not only have this heart themselves, but they also look for and need this heart in their husbands.  Wives flounder without this heart, and there is such grief when she discovers he does not bear this heart.

I know of wives who were married twenty and thirty years who knew on their wedding night that he was not the husband he should have been.  Had he only had the heart to hear and feel her heart, their marriage could have grown, but he did not, and the entire family suffered consequently.

In all this, humility reigns.  Without humility, a husband cannot and will not submit to an appropriate service of his wife and family.

How guilt interrupts grief and delays healing

The role of guilt in grief is profound, and while some of it is productive, most of it’s both unproductive and misplaced.  

Guilt is misplaced because those of us who feel guilt — yes, it’s us empaths again! — really either ought not to feel so guilty OR we’re doing exactly what would exonerate us from guilt — we’re FACING what we could have done differently or better.

Guilt is also unproductive, because if we’ve done the business of FACING what we could have done differently or better, what’s the use in continuing to cruel oneself?

Grief is good in that it’s the channel markers to healing if only we’ll enter into the tremulous waters of lament and find our safety there.  Lament always threatens to be a hellish experience, but the paradox is it’s only through FACING in lament that we can process the hellishness of grief.  Otherwise, we stay in it — in the hellishness, or we cannot face it and therefore live a shell of existence.

But guilt interrupts grief, like so many other things interrupt grief — emotional and spiritual bypassing, being harassed, enduring other stressors, denial, addictions, etc.

Guilt interrupts grief because it consumes all thought and energy on the wrong (and unproductive) material.  Once business is done in guilt — and that’s a five-minute job for a sincere heart — all is forgiven.  It’s the way the Divine works.  After this is the wasteland of going around and around the mountain of a cycle you can’t get out of.  It’s like the Israelites going around the desert for 40 years.  It’s hopeless.

When guilt interrupts grief, the time, effort, and energy that could go into lament and being present with our sorrow, pouring out our tears, receiving comfort, etc, goes instead to time, effort and energy that’s invested in what will give a person cancer, heart disease, anxiety, depression, and a host of other health and medical issues.

If there’s one thing my Mum taught me and all of us who would watch her life is, there’s no stock, advantage, or sense in staying in a bad situation, and that forgiving oneself is vital if we’re to be free to love and serve others.  Thank you for living that life, Mum!

So what do we do if guilt is an issue preventing the resolution of productive grief?

We need to find the truth that will free us, and secondly, we need to believe it so we can live it.

Finding the truth that frees us of our guilt is simply a matter of committing afresh to the ideal that the truth matters that much that we’ll live its way no matter what it costs.  And it costs nothing!  It’s a freebie.

The truth is you understand what you could have done better or differently.  Understanding is all that’s required to receive forgiveness.  So, there’s a position to lock down.  Guilt is now inappropriate.  It doesn’t belong.  This motivates you to believe you’re worthy of living guilt free.  This is a holistic thing that will motivate whatever is needed to make the steps for great heart change to occur.

Having dealt with our guilt (a secondary emotion) we can then focus on dealing with our grief (the primary emotion).  Once the guilt is dealt with, there is no impediment to processing grief through the sacred means of sitting in the truth of our lament.  The only way is up from there.

8 ways wives subtly try to get through to their husbands before they quit

My motives are to awaken communication and understanding in marriages, to re-create that connection that’s missing between spouses.

There are no doubt countless ways that a spouse might try to get the attention of their partner in endeavouring to breathe hope into a flailing marriage, but first, let’s acknowledge that these dynamics are usually years in the making.  They can be patterns so worn into the marriage that the partner who’s “deaf” to the presence of problems is completely blindsided at best, though that’s also an incredulous idea to the one who has tried so many things to establish a true understanding of how they’ve felt for a very long time.

I’m posturing this as what a wife will be trying to communicate to the husband because that’s the most common dynamic I see.

Here are eight ways wives try to get through to their husbands:

1.             They speak to them directly and they’re rebuffed, ignored, or misunderstood.  The conversation doesn’t go anything like the wife plans it.  It’s a further discouragement.  The worst thing that can occur in this attempt is a fight breaks out.  This is oh so tragic when the wife is trying her best to woo her husband to her.

2.             A wife might try to get a friend to speak to her husband, especially someone that has the trust of both in the couple.  Though this happens, for a variety of reasons this is generally ill-advised.  The husband stands to become very disenfranchised if he isn’t already.

3.             Books are bought or podcasts are subscribed to — or articles like this are shared — in the futile attempt to win his attention.  He might watch (or read) these and externalise matters as “not a problem I’ve got,” or he says to his wife, “What are you trying to say?”

4.             A wife might try aspirational encouragement through notes and gifts designed to entice the husband toward acting out those kind words they’re writing, like, “You’re incredibly thoughtful when you think of me...” and the husband receives these as “all’s good” or “that was a bit weird,” but all the same, she’s trying to get through!  What a wife’s trying to do here is create an awareness in her husband of, “I’m not really what she’s saying of me at all — I/things need to improve.”

5.             When she’s more desperate to reach him, a wife will send hints all kinds of ways in the frantic attempt to get his attention OR to justify, “See, he’s not listening and not interested!” (It’s usually the former, but the latter shows how exasperated the wife is).

6.             Especially when there’s a last-ditch attempt to go on that romantic getaway holiday, a wife is trying her hardest to wake her husband up from his slumber.  This can backfire badly if the problems in the marriage become more prominent in the time away.

7.             When a wife begins to share marriage horror stories with her husband, she’s holding up a mirror to him as if to say, “This is us...” — but he is unlikely to get it.

8.             There are also attempts to create some distance of her own to see if he’s even noticed she’s not around as much.  This feels like a real betrayal when he doesn’t.  When he’s not affected at all.

What have I left out?

As I said, this is just a few things I’ve seen.  The tragic thing is the marriage ought to stand for something intimate and important to both partners, but for one it’s an arrangement of convenience, or at least it’s become that way.

One of the marks that the heart isn’t in the marriage — and this was me! — is when a man says, “Just tell me what I need to do, and I’ll do it.”  What that says to a wife is her husband is only interested in “keeping the peace” and isn’t sufficiently engaged in the intimate and passionate business of the marriage.

The main thing I’m saying to men in all this is, what’s required of you is a step change, a transformation, not just a little tweak here and there.  Just don’t be disheartened, because the change your wife wants is the change deep down that you should want too.  It’s a journey of faith that’s required.  And it’s not just your wife and you that will prosper, your family prospers too, and there isn’t the collateral damage of, “Your father and I are separating and divorcing,” which is hard on family.

For those who have been through the tragedy of this kind of crisis, and it’s breathed life into your marriage, I celebrate you.  Your strength and humility, and your faith in each other, is to be praised.

Unheeded marriage warnings herald dire consequences

There are times and situations when a spouse, let’s say it’s the wife in heterosexual marriage, tries to reach her husband with an essential message, a message designed to save the marriage.

Perhaps she has tried a few times beforehand, perhaps she has tried many times, but to no avail.  There has been no regard given to her warnings.  Simply put, he has not listened.  He has not taken her or her warnings seriously.

The problem we have right here is there is a toxic dynamic that can’t be addressed.  One is trying to get through to the other, and that one is impenetrable.  He is engaged in the abuse of neglecting his marriage.

When a woman is in a situation like this, and her cries for help and for him to change are not listened to, and those warnings go unheeded, there is no choice for her but to escalate the matter.

Don’t worry, I’ve been in this exact situation.  For all husbands out there feeling a bit miffed that I’m even writing this, please know I’ve been in your position, and I have lost a marriage to it.  I know exactly what this is like.  I got it wrong, and I took the opportunity to learn from my mistake.  And I have nothing but empathy for the wife who is trying to get through, like my first wife tried, but despite her efforts, couldn’t or cannot get through.

If this is you in the present situation, you may be getting the final warnings, and you’re not being warned to be threatened; you’re being warned for the life and for the health of the marriage, because your wife would prefer you change than end it.  Truly she would.

Do you see the desperate plight your wife is in?

When one person tries valiantly for months if not years to get through and each time receives a brick wall.  There comes a time for a different plan.

I’ve been in the chair when a wife has come to me with her husband to end a marriage, and it has been my humble and terrible duty to report to the husband that it is gone, that I’ve been in his situation, and I know how terrifying that reality is.

In life we get warnings if we’re not on track.  If we do not heed those warnings, there are consequences.  This is simply adult life, and yet even children must bear the consequences of their actions if we’re committed to loving them well.

The role of a person learning too late of their plight is of responsibility, of suddenly realising and reconciling the cost of not listening, and owning it, however hard that is.

It’s never too late to make a fresh start, but the consequences will mean that fresh start will be in another relationship, and let’s hope that there is something learned along the way, so the next partner does not need to endure what the previous partner has.  

Taking our responsibility also means we ought to make amends for our neglect of the relationship, the biggest failing of which is to deny one’s wife the intimacy the marriage both needs and deserves.

If this sounds harsh, and I’m sure to some it will, please be assured that I know personally how terrifying that journey of loss is, but we must also understand the cost of not listening and heeding the warnings we were given.

In the case where the husband has been abusive through neglect, and there is such a thing—where he denied her of her intimacy and connection needs—rather than deny or deflect or defend/attack or disintegrate the partner’s reputation (this is commonly called gaslighting) he ought to simply face the situation from her viewpoint.  

With such lifegiving empathy, he will breathe life into the situation.  If he hasn’t understood her until now, now is his opportunity, even if the relationship is over.  This takes a lot of humility, not everyone is capable of it.

I know there are many in this situation who will refuse to face the truth, and who will go on the attack against their wife.  It’s basically the norm.  There is only death in that; not only for the marriage, but for the one who chooses attack over making amends.

But for the man reading this, please, go another way.  Go the way of seeking to serve that one you loved with a love you’ve previously failed to serve her with.

This is one reason why I love the Twelve Step program.  It’s because the focus is on being honest, taking responsibility, owning our failures, resisting resentment, and making amends.  Only through this modus operandi is there heart to forgive and be forgiven.

A life of making amends amid the consequences that must be accepted is the way to peace.  Peace for one and all because justice has been served.  It’s simply about doing the right thing.  Even though it might feel crazy to do this, it’s the only way to growth and life.

Assumptions of ownership in marriage kill intimacy and passion

A decade and a half ago, when my wife and I were married, there was a precious moment in the car as she arrived with her father, as he prepared to give her away to me.  Truth be told, as I look at our wedding video, that little scene of her interacting with her father speaks volumes.

It’s just a few moments, but the look of earnestness on both their faces is intriguing.  Sarah’s father is actually saying, “If ever you feel unsafe, you come back home.”  We’d courted for only eight months and there’s no question in my mind with the counselling I’ve done since that red flags may not always be seen in that time.  I so appreciate the relationship Sarah has with her Dad, but I also know that at times, when I’ve felt insecure, it’s also felt threatening to me.

One thing a lot of people will not consider, a thing that should always be considered, especially in marriage, is women are especially vulnerable.  This is not always just because there is a physical power imbalance.

I think generally speaking, men have their needs met much easier than women do.  Sex, for just one instance.  Men are “done” very quickly and very easily, typically speaking, whereas for most women, to be properly met, there is the need of time, intimacy, connection, real engagement.  A man can have his needs met without connecting emotionally at all.  But for many women it’s the opposite.  People can joke about it as much as they want, but the plain fact is what a woman needs—again; time, intimacy, connection, real engagement—is exactly what the marriage needs, whereas what the man needs isn’t necessarily good for the marriage.

Men may end up in their marriages thinking they’re giving everything required, but marriage is much more than bringing home the bacon.  Marriage requires more of a man than simply bringing resources into the home, though that was “the standard” in yesteryear.

The reason why I say the above is I’ve had seasons of life, certainly in my first marriage, where I thought I was doing everything I needed to do—I was a “good” husband, in other words, a “good enough” husband, a “pass mark” husband, a “51%” husband, a husband who was “ticking the boxes.”

What if a partner wants more than a token effort?  Marriage is and should always be about more than a token effort.  There ought to be great intentionality—as if it’s the most important focus of our lives.  “When two become one flesh.”

Because marriage is supposed to be the closest intimacy ever, it feels like a massive betrayal when we get anything less.  It’s one thing to not be getting along, so long as there’s effort and passion in it, but it’s an entirely different thing when there’s the ambivalence of just going through the motions.  Marriage just must be more than humdrum.

I think what’s at the bottom of this for men is an assumption of ownership in marriage, and if that’s true there’s little wonder that it kills intimacy and passion.  Ownership says, “I’ve got you now, I owe you nothing, and you exist for me and my pleasure, and I will give to you whatever I feel I wish to, usually according to my needs, not yours.”

Now that might be a harsh assessment, but I do see it in men, and all I’m saying is, as a humble man, can you assess yourself honestly against this criterion?  Are you a “good enough” husband?

Don’t react to these words, just simply ask yourself if you really exist to serve and truly love your wife in marriage and seek to meet her needs.  It’s not a bad thing to find yourself needing to improve.  It’s a great thing!  It means growth is ahead, and blessing for your wife and probably for your kids as well.  Your effort and intent needs to come from the heart, like you WANT to do it.

It takes a great deal of humility to read and digest these words, but if a person does, they stand to find something of more value than fine gold.

POSTSCRIPT – occasionally, there is a reversal in roles that needs to be catered for.  Anyone who behaves in an entitled way in a marriage-type of relationship is neglecting their partner.

The sincerity of apology steeped in repentance

There are many elements of apology consisting of acknowledging the hurt, addressing everyone affected, admitting our part without saying if, but, or maybe, accepting the consequences, asking for forgiveness, and altering behaviour.

All of these, except the last one, can be done in one sincere moment.  The last one, however, requires a consistent effort over time.

Sincerity is always the biggest test when it comes to an apology.  Is it sincere enough?  Or perhaps we’re convinced how cut to the heart a person is, and their sincerity convinces us that they understand the level of depth of the wrong they have done.  Understanding is the key matter because these are matters of the heart.

The enormous caveat when it comes to apology is always, what motivates a person to apologise?  Is it for the benefit of the person apologising, or is it for the other person and the relationship?

The sincerity of an apology is steeped in repentance, mainly because repentance must stand the test of time, and a heart for change must endure.  There is no better test for sincerity than the test of time.  Sincerity can be faked in a moment, but faking it doesn’t stand up over time.

The standard for repentance isn’t always to be set by the person doing the repenting.  The person forgiving them ought to be given some role to assess the planned repentance.  Indeed, a good repentance probably presumes some level of the person repenting seeking feedback from the one who has been wronged, like, “I plan to make restitution by doing ‘this’, and I want to show you it won’t happen again by doing ‘that’.”  That takes significant humility on the part of the person repenting, and humility is a hallmark of someone who has the capacity to repent.  Not everyone has the humility to adequately repent.  Not everyone has the character for it.

It is comparatively easy to say sorry, but it is harder to say sorry without an if, but, or maybe to qualify the wrong.  “If you hadn’t have done that, I wouldn’t have done this... If you feel hurt... If you think I hurt you... I acknowledge I hurt you, but... Maybe if you don’t do this from now on, I won’t do that...”

It is comparatively easy to ask for forgiveness and yet not understand the wrong done or acknowledge the level of hurt and what it all really means.

In essence, a bad apology means the person apologising 
doesn’t learn what a good apology would teach them.

Understanding goes a long way to convince one heart that another heart gets it.  And when the heart understands the depth of hurt and the wrong done, that conviction mounts up in that heart and repentance is the next logical step.  But a person won’t get anywhere near committing to repentance if they don’t understand the depth of the hurt and the wrong done.

The sincerity of apology steeped in repentance is obvious from the vantage point of the change that has taken place in a person’s life.  You can see a deep learning has occurred, and that they have grown as an individual.

The change that has occurred means they have put steps into place that mean they won’t return to the behaviours that caused the hurt in the first place, or they’ve gone as far as they personally can to ensure a recurrence is unlikely, and if it were to happen what they would then do.  This signals growth in both personal and social awareness.

Repentance is the best evidence of an apology’s sincerity.

Marriages die through the heartache of a lack of intimacy

Despite the issues of violence in coupled relationships, where victims have every right to leave and get themselves to safety, just as common is coupled relationships that die from lack of intimacy.  I’m talking neglect, whether it’s intentional or unintentional.

Certainly when it’s intentional it’s most hurtful, but when it’s unintentional it can be so hard to get through to the partner who seems to have no interest in connecting and engaging.

Sometimes it’s about the seemingly disinterested partner getting what they want, and they’ve got little or no interest in what their partner wants.  This is not uncommon in relationships with a decade or two or more of longevity.  It’s like a partner or the relationships slips into an unhealthy groove, like two ships passing in the night.  Neither notices the other.  For months or years.  But a lot of the time it can be about one partner really missing the other, and the other having very little interest in them.

It’s so common that partners will be more intimate with their device than with their partner, it really is.  But good relationships always find ways to put these things down, and to demonstrate their priorities, that human connection and engagement, partner to partner, is always the most important thing.

The keyword in all of this is neglect.  Partners can find themselves so alone in their relationships that they feel more alone than someone who lives alone.  The travesty of all this is that there is daily and even hourly evidence that there is no regard shown.  There is no fruit of love in the relationship, and the relationship bears the feature that it has died.  There’s no life in it or about it.  The one partner is grieving the death of the relationship, while the other partner is either clueless, satisfied with the status quo, or doesn’t care.

In this day and age, the overt abuses of narcissistic abuse are indeed common within marriage and long-term relationships that break down.  But in relationships that bear more chronic features of death like the lingering abuse of neglect, barring the vital issue of the risk to one’s life, the death is just as devastating.

There are at least two problems presented in these situations.

The first is how do we broach the subject that a lack of intimacy is killing us.  It takes many people years to muster up the courage or to find the words to speak about their needs.  Some never do.  And some do but never get through.

The second is finding yourself in a situation where you have broached the topic, and your partner shows little interest in counselling or anything else that might help give you hope.  They are getting what they want, and though they might have great difficulty admitting it, it doesn’t matter if you don’t get what you need.  They put the ball back in your court.  Whilst they may contribute in some ways, their investment in the relationship from an intimacy viewpoint is non-existent.

Without intimacy, relationships wither and die, and for the partner who desires connection and engagement it’s an excruciating living death.  It’s an emotional void where a pungent form of loneliness takes shape that rocks confidence and often leads to clinical depression.

It’s worth reaching out in a last-ditch attempt to call the partner to intimacy.  Whilst the truth of rejection should that happen is devastating, it’s better to know what they really think than continue to live a lie and die.

The real pity is, some learn far too late that they could have addressed their neglectful demeanour far earlier and breathed life into the relationship.  Whilst it’s never too late to learn for the next relationship, it’s always such a pity that neglectful behaviour isn’t addressed so both can heal.

At least the one who learns late actually does learn.  Too many otherwise feel entitled to a relationship where their input is nothing.  By definition, that’s not a relationship.

Things you wouldn’t believe if you hadn’t seen them yourself

This is a bit of a different article for me.  I typically try to focus on helping those who want to be helped.  I don’t often focus on commenting about people who behave in ways that you wouldn’t believe if you hadn’t seen them with your own eyes.

One of the saddest things a parent must do is educate their child about things that should just not happen.  Sadly, we have seen too much of what should never happen to even be surprised any more, especially from those who should know better, those we expect integrous behaviour from.

It’s the character of a person who will choose to abuse others, and if that isn’t enough, they redouble the abuse, compounding the trauma, by covering their tracks.  “Nothing to see here,” their approach is.  People who do these things, do them with malicious intent.

The greatest surprise for people who don’t anticipate such behaviour is they discount the possibility, because they impute a character of integrity on a person who should be entirely trustworthy.

This is something that catches many people unawares, even to the point of defending people who have betrayed goodness and behaved malevolently.  People caught unaware like this are dangerous in their own right because they defend those who manipulate them.  The trouble is, unless you see it with your own eyes sometimes, you don’t believe ‘good’ people are capable of evil.

Let me say it plainly.  Good people, supposedly good people, are entirely capable of doing all sorts of things; good, not-so-good, and downright criminal.  We are all capable of criminal behaviour, but what sets the normal person apart from the malevolent one is intentionality.

But we still don’t believe some things unless we see them for ourselves.

Would we believe a pattern?  Would we believe a string of people saying pretty much the same thing?  Would we believe one person who is an outlier?  And what do we think of the theology of scapegoating?  So many people who should know better do not believe in such a thing because they have never seen it, lived it, or had to endure it.  I can tell you, scapegoating is a thing—a terrible, terrible thing—and it’s far more common than you may realise.

Everyone who suffers abuse feels castigated and all alone, and this is part of the imperative of the abuser.  Even if it is a string of a dozen people at the same time or one after the other in series, each person abused feels alone, as if THEY did something wrong, and completely disempowered.

If you are reading this right now, please consider that there are things that occur in life that you may not believe or want to believe but that are still altogether true.  You just haven’t seen them yet.  If a thing seems too fanciful, and if someone is telling you a story that seems too far-fetched, just give a little benefit of the doubt.