A cord of three strands is not quickly broken

“The mistake most of us make is that we build our homes in other people in the hope that they will deem us worthy of being welcomed inside.  We feel so abandoned and empty when people leave, because we’ve invested so much of ourselves in them.”
― Najwa Zebian

Enmeshment is the relational phenomenon where a person or both people in a relationship lose themselves in the other person.  Boundaries and emotionality are too permeable and pliable, and there is no solid sense of self in one or both.  The self is lost in the other, and where there is no solid sense of self, there is little that can be made as a strength for the relationship.

One of the commonest things I talk about in relationship or couples counselling is the three important dynamics that are well conveyed by Ecclesiastes 4:12 — “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

It takes two solidly attached people to build that third strand.  This is not so much the glue that holds them together, because the individuals in their personal solidity don’t need to be glued to anything or anyone — they’re autonomous, free persons (or should be).  The third strand is the strength they share from the autonomy each one brings.

But many people who end up in committed relationships are not autonomous or free.  They otherwise crave another person or thing to sink their identity into; another person to complete them.  It’s a trap any of us can fall into, mind you, especially when we’re otherwise challenged by hardships that test our sense of personhood and identity.  

None of us feels secure
in our world all the time.
But it is our commitment to re-establish
that inner safety that sets us apart.

The issue within relationships built on the shifting sands of losing ourselves in the other is it leaves us on tenuous ground.  It’s too big a burden for the other to carry, and it’s a constant vulnerability for the person who has plunged their personhood into another person — in making their home in them.  Besides, such vulnerability leaves us vulnerable to their whims, and this is dangerous if they’re not the person they could otherwise be in and for the relationship.

This is where things become unstuck, ironically when one brings pressure to bear on the other to commit.  This typically occurs when ‘the love wears off’ — code for the relationship has gone from the romance phase to the power struggle phase, which is normal as part of the 5 stages of relationships.  Tensions build when the person who has lost themselves in the other becomes especially needy.

We all have needs and it’s fair
in relationships to have some of our needs
met by our partner some of the time,
just not all our needs all the time. 

The opposite is also true:
It’s not realistic for us to demand that we
fulfil all our partner’s needs all the time. 

There must be some sense of solidity in each person in the relationship so they’re capable of holding themselves by themselves when necessary.  When we cannot hold ourselves by ourselves it leads to that feeling of being excruciatingly alone.

Back to the autonomy that should be present in every person in every relationship.  It’s a good sign that your partner views you as an autonomous person with the capacity for your own ideas, thoughts, and personhood.  

What you think and say should matter. 
So should what they think and say.  

The best couples hold tensions well and can most certainly, and respectfully, agree to disagree.  It’s a relational red flag when one is not allowed their view or must fall into lockstep with the views of their partner.  When this is a pattern, it’s abuse.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  The first two strands combine to create the third, but those two strands must of themselves have sufficient selfhood and strength to offer to the other so both can come together in weaving the third strand.  The third strand is interdependent on both partners.

For Christian couples, that third strand is seen as a God-strand, and certainly makes for a strength of unity between the two.  I’d argue that there is no greater vision for coupled partnership than a commitment to Christ that sees both partners committed to their individual personhood in Christ such that they serve, and submit to, the other. 

Mutual submission is the goal,
hearts that delight in the other. 

Partnership makes coupled relationships work

Many people who have come to me for Christian marriage or couples counselling have come because there is an issue with the term “partner”.  Their problems emanate from having a partner who is a partner in the noun-sense, but not a partner in the verb-sense.  

They have a partner who has the appearance of a
partner, but they aren’t actually a partner.

Partnership has an equality about it in that partners to a partnership communicate and relate with one another in a way that is mutually pleasing and mutually beneficial.  

Both feel they have equivalent power and say in the relationship, from the daily decisions to the life plans that they share.  Both share in a worthwhile and sustaining relationship.  

If there is hardship,
they both share in it. 
If there is something to rejoice,
they both rejoice.

Sharing is a key premise in partnerships.  Sharing is about both having an equal stake in the flow and action of the relationship.  Both work equivalently and both enjoy the benefits of their work.  There isn’t an imbalance in either the work done or the spoils of that work.  Neither partner is consistently advantaged or disadvantaged in any patterned way over the other.

Partners in the verb-sense of the word do genuinely feel that their marriage relationship adds to their life, whereas partners only in the noun-sense of the word find the partnership detracts from their life.  

The former feel loved through the receipt of effort from their partner who is working hard for the partnership.  The latter, however, feel resentful that too much of the weight of the load of the relationship rests with them, like having another child or pet in the house to take care of.

The concept of marriage is one of equality in that the two have become one flesh (Genesis 2:24) and the good practical effect of this is supposed to be that both work for the other.

It doesn’t always occur, however, for there are many who do the bare minimum and therefore miss vital opportunities to love their partner.  And that’s the main point!  Love isn’t only a feeling, it’s a verb, it’s a ‘doing’ word.  To love our partner we reach toward them in attempts to outdo them in kindness, patience, grace, gentleness, and other practicalities that ‘speak’ love to the other.  

Love has a way of being seen, felt,
and experienced by the recipient.

It’s not the person doing the loving
who dictates the effect of their love –
it’s the recipient.

This is an important differentiation in the partners of the verb-sense.  They do their love selflessly and their partner feels their love.  Partners of the noun-sense do their love often from selfish motives to be noticed and appreciated and their partners feel missed and annoyed.  Noun-sense partners want recognition and kudos for the most basic of acts that their verb-sense partners are always doing.

My strong encouragement for all partnered relationships is that they be equally-yoked, which is coupled together as in oxen who plough evenly the ground of life together.  

Verb-sense partner coupled with
verb-sense partner, that’s the ideal.

They do their work together and get
gratification working together as a team.

5 things that may help us in our grief and trauma

 

There are a plethora of resources and therapies in grief and trauma.

These offerings are given in the spirit of addition, that there may be a nugget of wisdom for one of us.

For me, here are some of the strategies I’ve discovered and adopted:

1.           Memories are a possession that can never be taken from us – whilst there are some memories in trauma we would love to put behind us, our memories of loved ones and of wonderful times are something that can never be taken from us.  Spending time activating these memories and reliving them keeps our lost loved ones and past incredible times alive, and if there is sorrow, we welcome it and are healed by going there.

2.           Practice plain acceptance as we would accept another – sometimes we judge our own responses harshly, especially those that come out of our triggering – those automatic reactions that we don’t even have time to think about or control over.  If only we can extend to ourselves the grace we extend so easily to another people.  If somebody else had done what we’d done, maybe we might empathise with their regret.  We can therefore extend compassion toward ourselves (self-compassion) and forgive ourselves. Seriously, we can let go of those thoughts of anger toward ourselves that so easily rebound and vacillate as anger toward others.

3.           Practice slowing down – especially when we’re prone to being triggered, anger reactions and fear reactions especially, we can just slow down.  When we slow down, we give our minds the chance to catch up.  Slowing down, being more mindful, taking the pressure off ourselves, we give ourselves more poise, more of a chance to respond the right way when challenged.

4.           Nothing is terminal, hold to hope of recovery – there have been times, especially in deep trauma or deep grief, where I’ve lost hope of recovery; it’s a total lack of insight that I’ve sadly seen as so common.  Nothing is a forever thing in grief and trauma, even if we won’t ever shake them completely.  There’s a lot of life to be lived in future iterations of ourselves, even if at times we cannot see it.  That version of you that you may hope for may well not only be achievable, but you may also well exceed such modest goals.

5.           Joy, hope, and peace all coalesce – where you have one of them, you have all three.  Amazingly, when we hit that halcyon of spiritual places, we experience all three in abundance.  The beauty of this is when we’re at peace, we feel hopeful and joyful.  When we experience joy, an abiding peace and a heart full of hope are also there.  When we recognise we’re full of hope, we sense the fullness of a flourishing joy and the prevalence of shalom.

Carry On, Rewardless

How does life work?  How are we to operate in this life?

I’m preaching on Psalm 37 tomorrow, and it seems to me, like always, God is reading my heart and causing me to ‘live’ this message as much as I want to extend it out to others.

Not everyone is against us in this life,
and much of the time it’s nobody.

We might feel like there’s this person or that person who ‘exist’ to make our life tough.  We give them far too much credit.  Their reality is far more in themselves than we realise.

And then there’s the situation of ‘life’ itself making our life hard, or perhaps it’s ‘God’ or ‘the universe’, that seems hellbent on blocking our goals, making our life a misery.

How are we to reconcile all these matters,
to live peacefully and peaceably in this world?

We could simply
carry on, rewardless.

I first learned of this concept this past week.  “Carry on, rewardless” is a humorous, tongue in cheek, way of twisting “Carry on, regardless.”  I chuckled when I first heard it from one of the firefighters I have the privilege of working with.  I enjoy firey humour.

Beyond the intention of the humour (the insinuation that there isn’t ever reward), there is so much to be gained in this life, pondering and living such wisdom.

Rewardlessness is a golden and unbeatable concept.

We are held to ransom by the concept of reward.

What if we work and we miss the goal?  We work for a particular reward, and that reward eludes us.  We are left disappointed.

There is power for life beyond disappointment, to a place where we are beyond being disappointed.  Where despondency is no longer possible.  Where every sense for entitlement to happiness (striving to be happy) is relegated as an insufficient wisdom.

Or perhaps there’s the opportunity
to reframe the concept of reward.

At its most basic level, if we can imagine the concept of life itself as the only reward we’d ever want, we already HAVE our reward.  

Do you see the wisdom in being content in what we already have? 

Especially in that which cannot be taken from us.  As a Christian, nobody and nothing can take my salvation from me, and indeed we can see how, from the Christian worldview, it’s all any of us needs. 

If we can be happy without needing to be ‘rewarded’
for anything or with anything,
that right there is the wisdom that’s possible in this life.

Carrying on rewardless is an attitude carried in our heart and in the front of our mind, with joy, with hope, and with much peace.  Nothing can truly disappoint us in this mindset.

Relationship, Leadership, Success, Life… it is ALL Service

 

For the past year, for the first time in my life, I’m constantly in conversations about relationships, leadership, success, and life that reveal a solitary theme: service for the win.

Service as in serving… as in giving… as in sacrificing… as in reflecting over one’s thoughts, attitudes, behaviours, and deeds.  Those who have great relationships, who are great leaders, who enjoy great success, they are all deeply committed to service.

What do I mean by “service”?

Those who are deeply committed to service would prefer to do the work than have others do the work for them.  Those who serve would prefer to be accountable than hold others accountable.  Those who serve expect little from others, but they expect a lot from themselves—but importantly, they don’t punish themselves for failures, they strive to do better.

Service is the opposite of entitlement. 
Service is the opposite of privilege.

Those who serve motivate others to kindness through their acts of service.  They serve with joy for the blessing they can be in doing simple things to make others’ lives better.

Marriages go better when husbands serve their wives.  Why not the other way around?  The default is wives already serve their husbands.  There is no better way to woo a wife than to do loving things, give time generously, give thoughtful gifts, give loving compliments, give warmth and affection.  Husbands who expect to be served will have unhappier wives.

Leaders are inspiring when they’re thoughtful, anticipating ways of giving to those in their care.  Leadership is not about the ‘privilege’ of being the ‘boss’.  There’s no service in lording it over people.  But when leaders serve, they provide a cogent example of teamwork, and their humility shines forth as inspiration.

Serving provides success through the willingness to get one’s hands dirty in a way that the person serving expects little if no reward.

Relationships, leadership, and success are not in viewing ourselves as right and others as wrong, imagining we have all the answers and others don’t.  It’s the complete opposite; it’s when we affirm others when they’re performing well, and just as much it’s when we admit we’ve missed the mark. 

None of us have the market cornered in wisdom;
when we think we do, we’re conceited.

The more we can demonstrate the emotional intelligence of being flexible and connected, the more inspirational we become.

Relationships, leadership, success, and life no less, is all procured through service.

Awareness for Gratitude

INSIGHT is one of the keys to mental health.  Another is motivation.  Insight is crucial for mental health, because without insight we cannot search for and see truth—given the general biblical premise that, “the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)  

Another term for insight is awareness. 

Motivation is of course needed
to convert awareness to action.

In the context of awareness, gratitude is the key to a plethora of mental health resources, not least perspective and resilience.  But few of us are inherently grateful; it doesn’t usually come naturally.

No matter how grateful we tend to be, there are always times in our lives when we struggle for gratitude.  Awareness of our lack of gratitude is the key.  It may be that we struggle for it long enough that others are giving us feedback of our lack (“Why are you complaining all the time?”), or perhaps better so, we see within ourselves the slide into trouble that we’re on (“Why are I complaining all the time?”).

Without gratitude we slide
into many varietals of malady.

But with gratitude, many blessings
of insight become possible, even realised.

Life without gratitude is a life made for complaint, and not all complaints are justified.  Indeed, most complaints are not, though there is even a biblical case for complaint in many circumstances in life—for example, loss and grief.  The key biblical imperative, however, is we are not to STAY in complaint, even if it can last a long while or we meander back and forth through it.  We are meant to traverse through it, eventually. 

Awareness for gratitude (or lack thereof) is pivotal in the mental health maintenance journey.

Reading this, you could say:

“Well, how am I going?” 
“Am I appropriately grateful right now?” 
“How’s my awareness right now?”

These are crucial questions to ponder, for we alone are masters and mistresses of our own destiny.  It’s okay if we’re not grateful and realise our gap, and even our desire to transform our thinking is a movement toward it. 

I would argue that we can’t tussle for gratitude if we aren’t aware of our lack of it.  But when we are grateful, we might be aware how easy we can slide out of it.

Awareness for gratitude is what promotes the maintenance of our mental health.  It’s the demonstration of a growth mindset.  It’s what separates those who live productive lives from those who don’t or can’t.  Awareness for gratitude is, I think, a gift of emotional intelligence.  Those with it are a gift to those around them. 

Just one goal for the successful life

Success is determined by one thing: taking responsibility for our life.

In sum, this is the internal locus of control.

It is staying within our sphere of influence.  It is accepting and embracing the limitations of our control.  It is accepting that we can do what we can do, that we should do what we can.

What I think, say, and do – all of it – is MY responsibility.  Nobody else can be accountable for it.

Just the same, I’m not accountable for what another person thinks, says, or does.  That’s their choice. I cannot control what you think, say, or do, but you can.

When we stay within our control, we master the moment, and we live our best life in the moment.

Does it simplify life too much to say that there is one main goal and that this is it?  I don’t think so.

In too many respects, we make life more complicated than it needs to be.  If we truly want to succeed in any endeavour in life, it is good to come back to this unchanging truth:

Be responsible for what we are responsible for.

The challenge is to live out of this paradigm to test its power.  When we stay in this paradigm, we soon find the cogency of its power.  When we stay in this, we find the freedom of having been freed of needing to control what we cannot change and of accepting the control we have.

If we can see that this one thing leads to the successful life, we redefine for ourselves what true success looks like — as a spiritual truth.  Then we realise there’s nothing more powerful.  This simple truth sets us free, and it is the key to gratitude, hope, joy, and peace.

Post grief growth — resilience from adversity

The experience of loss is the paradox of life; life that becomes death. Loss is suffering in one word; to have someone or something we value taken away. 

The experience of loss would be hard enough if it only happened once. But the fact is it happens several times, perhaps many times, and sometimes too many times to count, over one lifetime.

One thing I’ve often thought about is whether we have the potential to master loss.

It is only been recently that I’ve come to discover that loss, as a general and overall concept, cannot be mastered. We may master a certain kind of loss, accepting the grief as part and parcel of life. But that doesn’t mean we master every kind of loss. And I think God can teach us something in this; not least of which, this reality prevents us from becoming conceited (this aligns with what the apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10). He was given something painful that had to be endured to prevent him from becoming conceited.

What makes being human so hard is that none of us at any time can predict just when loss will occur. It comes like a thief in the night. And only when it arrives do we comprehend that it was ever present as a potential reality from our very beginning.

Loss is impossibly hard. Anyone who has been touched by this suffering of having had someone beloved or something valuable taken away from us knows that grief is a pain that never truly leaves during the entire season we experience it. And in most cases, closure for grief is a myth. It never happens that way. It just so happens that we learn to live a new normal, which on the surface of it is a sad and stark reality.

I have found personally that the greatest gift of loss is learning to die to self. It is never an easy lesson to learn, but it is always worth learning.

I call this the Revenant Blessing. It is a broad and general lesson; once loss has swept our hope away on a torrent to oblivion, loss may not blindside us to that degree again.

We are given some gift of resilience that I liken better to a hopeful resignation. Nothing unimportant wins our covetous hearts over again.

But this doesn’t mean we won’t experience grief again. Losses will continue to occur. The bigger and more complicated our families and lives are, for instance, the more susceptible we are to loss.

We may well have been broken by loss, and we may have learned the lessons of Christ in dying to self; this doesn’t mean that we are fortified against every form of loss, for different losses bring different costs and requirements of us.

There is a wisdom in life that helps us as losses come. This is not about imagining that being human can be made easy. On the contrary, as we accept that being human is hard, we are given to a deeper, more gifted, experience of life. We are matured as we come to accept there are many things we cannot change.

What makes being human so hard is that this life is so unpredictable, and we cannot exercise supreme control over our thoughts, our emotions, and others’ thoughts and emotions. If only we could! But then if we could we wouldn’t live a life capable of love.

Perhaps we have suffered many losses already. Maybe there are some losses yet to be experienced. What stands us in good stead is our acceptance of the day; to take each day as it comes, gratefully, as the mystery each day is. And whether the day involves trial or tribulation or a mix of both matters less than the fact that the universe spins the same way every day.

What makes being human easier is when we finally arrive in that place where we don’t need to control the day, other people, our circumstances, the weather, or anything else.

This is an ‘arrival’ to strive for, and that gives enduring loss meaning, which fuels hope.

I know this one thing for sure, however. I’m so glad of the person I’ve become because — in spite — of the grief I’ve endured. I would not be the person I am today had it not been for the things I’ve suffered.

Empathy and compassion are the gifts borne of great suffering.

Let’s agree on our differences

 

We will—all of us—disagree with anyone else (literally, everyone) at some point.  It’s true also that none of us even agrees with ourselves all the time.  Think about indecision and regret.  

We would all decide differently at times
if we were reflecting on different information.

The fact is we change our minds.  We also have set views on things.  And we have biases, including confirmation bias, which explains why we prefer certain information, and intentionality bias, which explains how we tend to judge others but are lenient on ourselves.

When differences become a problem for us our whole attitude zeroes in on the difference and how the other person is a problem—they are being obstinate.

But if we ACCEPT that there will be differences, we hold the difference we have with another person and resist the temptation of putting them in the naughty corner.

There often isn’t enough time or opportunity or relational tolerance to flesh matters out.  Sometimes people have set opposite views, and we find it frustrating when we can’t change a person’s mind.  Think about that from their viewpoint.  Who lacks tolerance?

Imagine if we lived in a world where we as people readily accepted that others think differently and that that doesn’t make them wrong—just different. Imagine the peace.

To make that world a reality in our own life we must accept it starts and ends with us.  We must work on our own attitude to others, we can’t expect them to do any of that work for us.  We can only impact our own behaviour and attitudes.

Imagine the relief in others when they relate with us where our acceptance takes the pressure off them to align to our views about things.  We all want to be treated with respect, and that actually needs to start with us.  Most people respond in kind.  Respect begets respect.

If we feel a person is judging us, we can ask ourselves if we’re doing anything to put division between us.

But if we’re honest, it’s hard.  Our differences with others create a lot of turmoil, for us and for them and for others as well, especially when we or they feel there is a need to influence change.

Agreeing on the presence of difference in our lives is important for a content life.

Accepting we have limited control over certain circumstances and others is the larger part of personal maturity and prosperity. It is peace for us, and that is peace for others, too.