A cord of three strands is not quickly broken

“The mistake most of us make is that we build our homes in other people in the hope that they will deem us worthy of being welcomed inside.  We feel so abandoned and empty when people leave, because we’ve invested so much of ourselves in them.”
― Najwa Zebian

Enmeshment is the relational phenomenon where a person or both people in a relationship lose themselves in the other person.  Boundaries and emotionality are too permeable and pliable, and there is no solid sense of self in one or both.  The self is lost in the other, and where there is no solid sense of self, there is little that can be made as a strength for the relationship.

One of the commonest things I talk about in relationship or couples counselling is the three important dynamics that are well conveyed by Ecclesiastes 4:12 — “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

It takes two solidly attached people to build that third strand.  This is not so much the glue that holds them together, because the individuals in their personal solidity don’t need to be glued to anything or anyone — they’re autonomous, free persons (or should be).  The third strand is the strength they share from the autonomy each one brings.

But many people who end up in committed relationships are not autonomous or free.  They otherwise crave another person or thing to sink their identity into; another person to complete them.  It’s a trap any of us can fall into, mind you, especially when we’re otherwise challenged by hardships that test our sense of personhood and identity.  

None of us feels secure
in our world all the time.
But it is our commitment to re-establish
that inner safety that sets us apart.

The issue within relationships built on the shifting sands of losing ourselves in the other is it leaves us on tenuous ground.  It’s too big a burden for the other to carry, and it’s a constant vulnerability for the person who has plunged their personhood into another person — in making their home in them.  Besides, such vulnerability leaves us vulnerable to their whims, and this is dangerous if they’re not the person they could otherwise be in and for the relationship.

This is where things become unstuck, ironically when one brings pressure to bear on the other to commit.  This typically occurs when ‘the love wears off’ — code for the relationship has gone from the romance phase to the power struggle phase, which is normal as part of the 5 stages of relationships.  Tensions build when the person who has lost themselves in the other becomes especially needy.

We all have needs and it’s fair
in relationships to have some of our needs
met by our partner some of the time,
just not all our needs all the time. 

The opposite is also true:
It’s not realistic for us to demand that we
fulfil all our partner’s needs all the time. 

There must be some sense of solidity in each person in the relationship so they’re capable of holding themselves by themselves when necessary.  When we cannot hold ourselves by ourselves it leads to that feeling of being excruciatingly alone.

Back to the autonomy that should be present in every person in every relationship.  It’s a good sign that your partner views you as an autonomous person with the capacity for your own ideas, thoughts, and personhood.  

What you think and say should matter. 
So should what they think and say.  

The best couples hold tensions well and can most certainly, and respectfully, agree to disagree.  It’s a relational red flag when one is not allowed their view or must fall into lockstep with the views of their partner.  When this is a pattern, it’s abuse.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  The first two strands combine to create the third, but those two strands must of themselves have sufficient selfhood and strength to offer to the other so both can come together in weaving the third strand.  The third strand is interdependent on both partners.

For Christian couples, that third strand is seen as a God-strand, and certainly makes for a strength of unity between the two.  I’d argue that there is no greater vision for coupled partnership than a commitment to Christ that sees both partners committed to their individual personhood in Christ such that they serve, and submit to, the other. 

Mutual submission is the goal,
hearts that delight in the other.