CORRESPONDENCE
bias explains why, in conflict, we judge the intention of our partner as bad,
while we see our own intentions as right.
It’s fine
to submit to such bias if we’re happy to remain conflicted within our covenant
relationship, but the covenant itself intends to function beyond such bias.
When we
promise to be ‘true to you in good times and in bad’ we make a commitment to
truth, acknowledging truth and love are interdependent.
All
relationship counsellors know that there’s ‘his truth, her truth and the truth’. Such an aphorism is a
truism that fits within the bounds of all our marital lives. No partner in
conflict is beyond reproach, ever. Freedom is afforded partners who embrace
this humbling truth, for unless we see it operating in us our marriages are
destined to be plagued with conflict and unmet needs.
None of us
can be right all the time, just as none of us are wrong all the time. And with
conflict it’s a case that both could have done some things differently.
And for
both there are apologies to be made in the resolution of conflict.
Blessed are
those who assume good motives of their partner when the marriage is contorted
in knots of conflict. We certainly need to make some assumptions in marriage;
because we never have all the information we need. Making assumptions of
correspondence bias, which is our default way, only lands us and our marital
communications in hot water. But when we choose
to see our marriage partner has a good intent (and who ever intends to do damage in marriage?[1]
— it must be comparatively rare) we begin to offer them the grace we give liberally
to ourselves.
Assume the
best in conflict and the skirmish is halfway resolved.
[1] If you feel your partner does intend
bad, then perhaps there are deeper trust and sincerity issues to deal with. At
times, there are such issues to resolve first. If not, it could signal that
there is work to be done in your own heart.
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