Adults, stop traumatising children by expecting them to be adult

Here’s a scenario I see all too commonly.

Father or mother, grandfather or grandmother, or caregiver (including teachers, child care workers, dance teachers, sport coaches, scout leaders, etc) traumatising a child in their care by expecting too much of them, and then when they react poorly it’s a secondary abuse of verbal tirades and threats—further exasperating them. I have seen children as young as 12 months old, barely walking, absolutely beside themselves in the torment of an abusive care; any and every adult in ear shot completely conflicted and confounded for a response. The child affected is traumatised and thinking others are also traumatised vicariously, especially other children who look on.

I wonder in these moments if these grown up children caregivers know the damage they’re inflicting or whether they care. If only they’d reach out. I’d love more opportunities to get to the child’s level, quicken them to safety’s peace, and do whatever I could to usher a sense of security into their little, vulnerable bodies and minds.

Trauma is trauma. Whether a child is sexually abused, the subject of neglect through adults’ caregiver addiction or gross neglect of overt physical harm, it’s all academic. The eggshell skull rule dictates that levels of abuse are surprisingly arbitrary, and what affects one in a minor way will affect another in a major way, and it is known that no one is ‘stronger’ than the other!

The impact of one abuse on two different persons will remit two entirely different traumas and those impacts cannot be predicted beforehand and, of course, it’s too late once the damage has been done.

At least as far as it depends on the care of the child, it is reprehensible that a child will be berated beyond their capacity for response.

To expect a toddler to communicate the complexity of their emotions, for instance, is ludicrous; yet, how many times have I heard a parent/grandparent/caregiver shout into the little one’s face, “What’s with the *&%$# attitude—I’ll give you something to cry about?!”

Really anyone who is entrusted with the care of a child, especially when it’s you and only you there, where the child is completely vulnerable to your real treatment of them, ought to be caring for the child as God cares for us. Be mindful your care of the child is seen by God!

All I can offer at these times is a slightly threatening stare, but I wish I had the words and actions that would bring stern reflection for change, but I fear if I said anything, I’d only make matters worse. If I’ve had the opportunity, I’ve gone in and pacified the situation by way of distraction, which has worked on several occasions, hundreds in fact as I reflect, where I’ve sought to bring peace where there is chaos and fear.

It should be obvious to any thinking adult when a child is exasperated. We know what it feels like. Try having about a quarter of the empowerment and agency and we may remember how little control over the world a child has.

Especially for the truant and rebellious child we need to ask what abuse they’ve already met and what trauma they’ve already borne. We must learn to convert our question of “What’s wrong with you?” to “What has happened to you?”

I know as a parent myself some of the shameful things I’ve done years ago when I lost my temper; when I was a different man. Thankfully I think my adult daughters have largely forgiven me for the occasions I exasperated them.

I’m in the unenviable position, post-conversion, that I’ve gone from someone who didn’t believe in counselling to being a passionate advocate for truth and the need of counselling.

~

Because this is ‘my voice’, I can say this unequivocally… a message for those who do not yet revere the awesome responsibility of raising children:

Caregivers, grow up! If you have vulnerable ones in your care, it’s YOUR job not theirs to model adult attitude and behaviour. You’re leading them. You don’t have the right to expect them to match you in any way; physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. To expect that is an attitude of abuse. To insist they do so is the behaviour of abuse. And you WILL traumatise them, and you may rue your actions now, because the cycle will continue into the next generation.

The traumatised child is put on a set-and-forget path that can never be completely undone. Does that matter to you? If it does, seek help. If it doesn’t, I do pray that you lose the right to ‘care’ for those in your charge.

Photo by Arwan Sutanto on Unsplash