The dangerous role of unacknowledged stress in conflict

Stress unquestionably impacts our responses to conflict situations.  It is a mountain to climb if we’re to respond well.  And those mountain-climbing efforts of ours are aided by the poise of patience, if only we can remind ourselves to pause, pray, prepare to respond.

What I’m saying is that stress adds to the potential for things to go wrong in our response, just as stress adds to the potential for things to go wrong for the person opposed to us in the situation of conflict.  Rarely ever do stressed persons respond well to conflict.  But we can if only we’re honestly aware.

Ken Sande defines conflict as, “A difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone’s goals or desires.”

Conflict is about the frustration we and others experience when we don’t get what we really want; the frustration of our goals when others block our way.  It is inner dissonance within us about what is going on around us.  And yet there are also other causes of inner dissonance.  Other factors in our lives that are being frustrated; factors that make us sad, anxious, indignant or fearful.

This is what this looks like — a normal life in this oft-confounded reality we call life: you’re already preloaded with the stress of having your parents in (or facing) aged care, children/grandchildren in school and the associated logistical and emotional complexities, grief from the loss you suffered last year (or sometime in the past), the choices or attitudes of a loved one or three bothering you, the dreaded uncertainty of the coronavirus locally and globally, the ever-present workplace burdens and general busyness balancing demands of work and having a life, notwithstanding the ups and downs of mental health concerns, and any number of other issues you realise you’re forced into accepting (but haven’t arrived there yet).

If only we take a few moments to honestly assess where our stress levels are at, we can often find sufficient reason for, or the cause of, the poor response we made to a conflict.

An honest assessment leads to something very good for both ourselves and the other person we’re in conflict with.  There is hope that relational repair can be made when one person reflects on their actions and decides the relationship is worth the effort and humility required to chat it through.

When we look at the stress we carried into the situation we responded badly in, we begin to empathise with ourselves — of course, we can see why our anger rose or why we crumbled in tears.  There is no justification for self-judgement or self-recrimination.  Maybe the other person responded poorly, or perhaps it was the both of us.  Everyone can be forgiven provided we/they can reflect on our/their behaviour and apologise, repent, seek forgiveness, and indeed, these are the steps that make forgiving people easy.  We can see a heart change toward us.  Or, they see our heart change toward them, that we have the humility to apologise and seek to restore the relationship.  That we see and believe that the relationship is always more important than any one issue.

It’s important that we see the inner drivers that direct our emotional ship.  Stress is both a rudder and the fuel load.  If we have no idea the role that stress plays in conflict, like a fully laden ship without steerage, we will wreak destruction as we collide with others.  But if we’re in touch with the stress that pushes our responses over the edge, it will cause us to take greater care and mete out appropriate repair, which will indicate how important our relationships are to us, which is always what the other person needs to see.

Relationships too often break down when people cannot or will not acknowledge the role of stress in their part of conflict.

Photo by Christian Erfurt on Unsplash