The essence of narcissism – the value of image

I know, I know, it’s the most overused term these days: narcissism. But let’s consider ancient Sirach 11:2…

It says, “Do not praise individuals for their good looks, or loathe anyone because of their appearance alone.”

There is an inherent folly in the trust of appearance, because appearances are deceptive.  The essence of narcissism is appearance.  And the narcissist knows that they can fool the world through the maintenance of appearance alone.  What makes them who they are is their givenness to these traits of manipulation and deception.

They even deceive themselves.

That person who maintains trust through appearance, who manicures a beautifully presented reputation, who will do anything to maintain it, even to the extent of burning anyone who dares to question their validity, who puts tremendous stock in being admired, is a pattern narcissist.

Their image is everything.  Even to the point that they have mastered such softness of heart at the surface that often has some of the most discerning people fooled.

They may appear to have empathy.  They have full command of their emotions and regulate them according to the needs of the situation.  They manipulate the heartstrings of others.  It’s their job.  It’s as if they were made for the maintenance of appearance.  Little wonder, really, that they are grief-stricken at the merest accusation that they are anything but the paragon of Christian character.

We’re left with a problem.  How on earth are we to tell between the narcissist who seems perfect, and the mature Christian who we might think would look perfect.  This is where we’re easily duped.

The mature Christian doesn’t look perfect at all.

Indeed, they’re at pains to show all who are watching that their life is a mess without Christ.  They point to the One who is glorified in all perfection.

They who are mature have nothing left to prove and nothing left to gain.  They are entirely comfortable being entirely vulnerable.  That’s character for you: they’re so solid they don’t need to hide; keeping appearances doesn’t interest them at all.

Those who add nothing to their salvation know above knowing the value in the fruit of repentance.  Their engagement in repentance is the surest sign of their maturity.  Theirs is a truly relational faith, a direct reflection of what they’ve received from God.

But then we are left with the common problem: we are ever quickly deceived, and devastatingly so, in the entrapment we find ourselves bound to; in all manner the circumstances and varying situations we find ourselves, and especially within codependency.

The essence of narcissism is image projection
amid image fascination
amid image protection
amid image sanctification.
Pretension of everything God is.

Everything is about image.  And when everything is about image, nothing is about reality, and there is no integrity between the image and the fruit of one’s behaviour.  It’s a complete mismatch.  Because of this mismatch, there’s constant manipulation and dishonesty.

Whenever we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who has a preoccupation with their image, we’ll always be the loser, because they must serve the image, because it has become their idol, and idols always require sacrifices.

When we’re in relationship with a narcissist, if we don’t protect and nurture a positive image — no matter how false it is — we have limited value, no matter how much we’re told we are loved.  If we don’t protect them, we’re a threat to them.  Their image is more important than we are.

You’ll know how conditional their love is by how quickly you are thrown under a bus when you say or do anything that might impact on their image.

If you have found that your feedback or criticism of a certain someone has generated vindictiveness on their part, watch out, because if they’re narcissistic, you’re the one who’ll lose.  They exist for themselves and are never willingly beaten.  They see ‘win/lose’ when you’re wondering what all the fighting’s about.

They have no insight, and
have no desire to grow in insight.

They exist that you have insight of their brilliance, their specialness, their Jesus-likeness. But what unravels image from reality is reality itself.  They aspire to something completely beyond them, because they never recognise that spiritual brilliance, specialness, and Jesus-likeness occurs through weakness and vulnerability, where fear and shame pose no threat.  The narcissist has long rejected these qualities — they cannot and will not face their fear or their shame — but they know the value in weaponising the image that these qualities bear.  Their stealth is by intention.

They know the power of charisma of projecting a persona of weakness and vulnerability so others may be won over.

Appearances are deceptive and the world is full of such trickery.  If you want to know who the trustworthy are, observe it in them by their willingness to be seen as weak, as wrong, as learners, as growers, as listeners, as friends, and certainly as no threat to you and I.

Observe how many people trust them.  Observe the longevity of their relationships.  Observe what grounded, trustworthy others say about them who have known them for a long time.

Be suspicious, on the other hand, of those people that people are overly impressed with.  Charm is usually more about appearance than reality.

Above all, view everyone through the lens of image.  The person who puts their own image above the treatment of others is dangerous.  And anyone who silences people to protect a person’s image indicates how insidious the system of narcissism is.

Photo by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash