What if my partner refuses to take their responsibility?

For the very common dynamic of one person in the relationship living with less responsibility than they ought to, and the other person taking on too much, what is it that the responsible person can do?  Is there ANY way they can lead their partner to a greater degree of sharing the responsibilities within the relationship?

That’s just it, of course.  The relationship is something that TWO people own.  Most relationships’ biggest sticking point is one taking too much of the burden or the other taking too little.

Where both see their relationship as a bridge to be crossed, and both actually cross the bridge situations (conflict situations) of their relationship, both feel empowered, and hope, peace, and joy tend to abide.

Here are some thoughts on how to positively influence a partner:

THE POWER OF YOUR EXAMPLE

If we don’t exemplify the attitudes and behaviours we’re seeking from our partner, we have no right to expect that they should change.

Now, this is where it gets tricky, because often one partner wants certain behaviours in their partner, while the other partner wants different behaviours in their partner.  In other words, each partner is behaving responsibly in parts of the relationship, but neither is doing a complete job.  It’s no good saying you’re the adult when you’re only partly doing it.  It becomes a he-said-she-said conundrum and nobody wins.

But there are also many examples of partners doing everything responsibly where the other partner behaves more like a spoilt child.

SEEK COUNSELLING

One of the best interventions (says this counsellor) for relationship problems is counselling.  This comes from a man who once refused relationship counselling and then experienced the consequences.

The good thing about counselling interventions is that when they’re kind, bold, and skilful enough, it’s difficult for the one avoiding responsibility to continue to avoid it.  As a therapist, I’m keen to pick up on the dynamics of responsibility avoidance and hold the person/s to short account.  If it’s respectfully though firmly dealt with, there is good potential for transformation.

ACCEPTANCE OF THE NEED FOR HEART CHANGE

This is the most important thing to bear in mind.  Time and again I’ve seen the contrasts between those who change and those who don’t.

Those who change, change because their heart is changed, and because they’re convinced they need to change and therefore want to change.  Those who don’t change usually don’t want to change, don’t see the need of it, and therefore the root of the problem is a heart that remains unchanged.

“The heart of the human problem,” said Canon J. John, “is the problem of the human heart.”  It’s so true.  If a heart is changed, it didn’t change itself.  From a faith perspective, you can see God centrally involved.  From a secular viewpoint, the person themselves sees that change is more attractive and less painful than staying as they are.

THE TALE OF TWO HEARTS

Life’s like this.  

There are some that live as if everyone serves them, and they end up living miserable lives, just as much as they cause misery for those around them.  Then, there are those whose very existence is to serve, to be kind, to delight others—not out of ‘people pleasing’ mind you; these people are a picture of joy, because in living such responsible lives, they transcend what they could selfishly take for an ode of giving.  They do it because they can.

The former is in bondage, and the latter are the free.

It’s only the free person who can give themselves away in service to humanity, and at the very least those humans in their life.

Be the latter.

~

For those who want/need to see their partner change, there’s no substitute for a great example of fully responsible behaviour, the shared vulnerability manifest in good counselling, and the acceptance that heart change is ‘an inside job’ and the only way to sustain change.