Evening up the unequal yoking in love relationships

Unequal relationship contributions are usually the major sticking point in any love relationship once couples get past the romance phase, where a conflicted dynamic presents.  By relationship contributions I don’t just mean what partners do or don’t do, though that’s front and centre.  It’s also about what partners contribute to their partner’s life in terms of negative (or toxic) contributions.

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First, in terms of explaining unequal yoking, the image is of oxen that are yoked together by a bow yoke to work a field, ploughing it.  It’s important that they pull together, with the same effort and the same strength, to do the work effectively and efficiently.

It’s the same in a love relationship.

This image of pulling together with the same effort and same strength is used to describe the effective love relationship whereby both partners are equally committed to the love and the work in the relationship.

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When it comes to being in an unequally yoked relationship, it feels unfair and can even feel unsafe, and it doesn’t genuinely feel like a partnership at all.  It will feel like it’s all one way.  

There are certainly situations in relationships where one partner is stronger than the other in a particular way, but where the partners even up with complementary strengths.  I wouldn’t necessarily call this unequally yoked, because one of the beauties of partnership is we can draw on each other’s strength.  This is about appreciating the complementary strengths the partners bring.  By using the word “complementary” I don’t mean complementarian—I actually mean very egalitarian.

But where one partner is consistently pulling better and stronger than the other there is a problem, and awareness needs to be drawn to the problem to see if there is potential for working a way through it.

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If it’s identified that there is an unequal yoking in the relationship, it’s always good to try to confront the issue.  When people don’t feel they can confront the issue, my query is do they feel safe enough in the relationship to pose such a question?

If we feel we will enrage the partner, chances are we won’t go there, and not being able to go there is all you really need to know about how untenable the relationship is.

Where we cannot confront issues, that’s a red flag.  It’s important that such information about the relationship is not shoved under the carpet.  It’s an important truth that needs to be faced.

Where abuse is apparent, it’s an example of where the love contribution is skewed to the point where there isn’t any, and fear and control have consumed the place of love.  The unequal yoking in this situation has the perpetrator demanding control and their victimised partner in fear.  A side note here: couples counselling is completely inappropriate and dangerous where there’s abuse.

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Perhaps the issue of unequal yoking has been faced and discussed over the years with little change.  It’s important that people have an opportunity to address the imbalance, and some partners and some relationships need a little time.

The partner with the grievance, who would love to see improved effort and contribution in their partner, might be brave enough to enlist the support of a marriage mentoring couple or friend or counsellor in either seeking to be heard, or making space for discussion.  It’s no good being unhappy in a love relationship.

It could be that there is an uneven contribution in terms of accepting responsibility, or apologising, or with the workload, or in terms of intimacy, or commitment, or faithfulness, or patience, gentleness, kindness, and generosity given and received.  The list runs on and on, but the main idea is the happiest relationships are those where contributions are even.

Unequally yoked relationships can often be evened up, but it takes humility in the partner needing to grow to improve the contributions they make.  All it takes to begin the journey is the acceptance of responsibility.  But change is proven most in sustained effort, and heart change must underpin it.