Enduring the Conscious Agony in Grief

I wrote the following poem and accompaniment ten years ago, which was also ten years after the time I was experiencing the conscious agony of grief in the grave hues of the dark night of the soul.

A poem called, “When I Awoke, All There Was, Was Pain”

Dark clouds they emerged from the horizon,
As if the enormity of despair weren’t nearly enough,
In my unconsciousness there was serenity,
But now I’m awake ‘life’ returns and it’s tough!
In slumber there was no hell that suffocated me,
But now I lay here bewildered and glum,
Times like this I wonder why life came to be this way,
Times like this I just feel so totally numb.
Then years wore on,
And I got over my grief,
I went from strength to strength,
Because I found my relief.
But one reflective moment,
In my mind’s eye,
I’m back there on my bed,
Feeling like I’ll die.
I’ll never forget,
The sorrow of pain,
To lay their speechless,
And feel I was going insane.

The pain of grief is torture – as is manifest in waking up to reality, yet again.  In that living hell which is the panic received in awakening to the nightmare that life has descended to, there is hope, but only in God, a God who comes close by faith.

But there is no answer that comes close.  The only thing we can do is wait-out or out-wait the pain – to endure it – and the only way we can do that, with sustainability, is to go to God and go to the people of God we can rely upon.

But it won’t be easy.  It will be the hardest thing we ever did.  But we can endure it by simply enduring it, a day at a time, a moment, one moment at a time.  We must allow the pain to break us and in that, let God reshape us.  There is no sense in kicking against the goads.  The goads are to our advantage if we don’t resent them!

WHAT TO DO WHEN WE CAN’T SLEEP FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES

We can’t sleep for the rest of our lives, though in the depression of grief we will tend to oversleep or drastically undersleep.  We are understood and forgiven for wanting to sleep through the dark night of the soul, and not being able to sleep is its own cruel torture.

Getting up and getting on with our lives is about recognising that things can still be done, even though life, for a time, is hell.  There’s no disputing it.  But reality is gracious enough to allow us to plod away and make some headway, even if it feels like we’ve been thrown into the pit forever.

Grief is long, it is dark, it is tough, it is despairing, but it also causes us to reach out in desperation, prepared to hope for anything to pave the way to life.  Grief can motivate to innovate in climbing out of the pit of depression.

If we are wise, we will congregate around people we find supportive.  Just spending time with them, as individuals and in psychologically safe community, with those we trust and feel safe with, will help an enormous amount.

We know we can’t bury our heads in the sand.  There are times for wallowing a while, but there are times also for breaking out and taking a risk.

We know we need to get on with the business of life at some point.  Gently, we set little goals and we receive encouragement for the little things that are a big deal in the context of recovery.

In the shock of grief, in the despair, when we don’t want to wake up, but we know we must, it pays to do little things to survive, and to get close to the people we know and trust and feel safe with.