Take Heart, Someone Has To Give In

EVER thought you’re the one to always give in? Well, take heart; someone has to. Progress can’t happen with people at loggerheads all the time. Something just has to give. And it might as well be you and me.

We get to hear of, and also experience directly, the hand of people who’ll go out of their way to ensure they get their own way, despite us and our “needs.” We shake our heads in confusion as to why people insist on having their own way leaving us to pick up their pieces.

Yet, the longer our blood boils the more likely we’re to become enraged and do something really stupid. We truly have to go the opposite way—if nothing else, to preserve our sanity. Yes, even though we look like we’re the ones who’re capitulating, we’re actually the ones who’re giving rise to any modicum of possibility and progress! It must start with us.

But this can only happen if we become less offendable.

This won’t make a lot of sense when you’re in the midst of conflict, but faith tells us to hold on and give this thing a chance. Becoming less offendable is the chief goal to true adulthood regarding relationships. It reserves its judgment and issues grace—that second chance upon second chance. It’s not that we let people wantonly trample us. The fact is we’re beyond being bothered about it; certainly as it concerns people who might choose to “trample” in any event, or who do so occasionally.

The fact is many people who have trampled us later reflect over it and then feel sorry and silly. They’ll often come back and apologise. If not, we can then fairly see ourselves as being “bigger” than the situation, and certainly bigger than them—at that time. But, underpinning this approach is a conscious compassion for those who insist on their own way—how horrible must it be to be that way?

Progress can’t happen without someone agreeing (with themselves) to “capitulate,” giving hope to things as they could be. Of course, wisdom dictates that there are many situations where we must exercise caution—given an inch some will pursue a mile! And certainly we have our roles with kids and subordinates; in these relationships we need to know when to give in, and not do it all the time. That would be a harmful outcome.

How many people are genuinely prepared to believe in other people these days—enough to give them their wishes with a smile?

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Friend Farming – What Social Life Has Become

SOCIAL networking sites have revolutionised living in this Century. No longer do we just simply catch up with good friends for likeminded activities on weekends and with long-lost buddies once every blue moon, we do so now at 1.43am, when we struggle to sleep. We even make globalisation the medium as we ‘friend farm,’ finding friends at the next mouse click. It’s fascinating how small this large world is becoming.

The newish art of friend farming is common to Facebook users, for instance. Recently I noted some of my Facebook friends with friend lists in the thousands receiving growth to their lists of up to ten and twenty per day. I thought, ‘Wow, they’re popular!’

But, it wasn’t until I realised that they’re becoming friends with the many liberal people who are more than willing to share (and trust) people with a modicum of personal detail in the midst of business or ministry networking—a kind of social zoo is what we have here. It’s fascinating.

Of course, there are many that might disagree, citing reasons of privacy or the impression that social networking is going too far, or even having the impression that people are bending the intent of the system. It’s interesting that Twitter goes viral much more readily that does Facebook or LinkedIn—both of which have moralistic “standards” regarding whether you actually know the person you’re contacting. But, ingenuity has outstripped the original intent and people are finding likeminded people to hook up with across streets, countries and oceans.

Friend farming is a fascinating process almost like speed-dating. The most important thing we can do is “harvest” as friends only those we feel we could trust, and those who’re likeminded. There’s little point in doing it otherwise.

Friend farming is about networking and possibilities; not for all friend-farmers, sure, but seemingly for most. It’s about a way of broadcasting with sincerity the things you get into. Of course, I made a decision a long time back that I would use Facebook in only a limited capacity for personal reasons. Facebook email and commenting on the statuses of the people I know are but two ways to do this. I post generally only that which is suitable for “public” digestion.

Whatever your view might be on friend farming I think it’s both positive and here to stay. Perhaps it’s our response to the concept that we fear within ourselves. Possibly we fear social networking sites could replace the need for real contact, and at this stage that’s a threat. But this threat could morph and generate an even more dynamic level of contact.

There’s also the concept of becoming friends with people who will not be in the slightest bit interested in us; that’s okay isn’t it? Becoming their friend of itself is not harmful and if they’ll not harm us what harm could it present? And if they do harm the newfound relationship we can resolve that in one or two mouse clicks.

All I can say is I find this social networking one-world we have in our midst’s, so terrifically invigorating. For the first time in the history of humankind we have the very real opportunity to touch people we would otherwise not know.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Rude Surprises – What Do We Do With Them?

Of all our worst routine revelations it seems the one of unexpected delay is often the most annoying. Recently, whilst ‘shooting on location’ with my wife (she’s a wedding and portrait photographer) we received word from the event organiser that due to flight cancellations there would be a significant delay, possibly in the magnitude of several hours. We had just travelled about one hundred kilometres to be there.

‘Okay, what now?’ seemed our collective sentiment. Our first thought however was, ‘Let’s date.’ So, we found a coffee shop, took stock, and then found a lovely tree to read, talk and even sleep under.

The problem with this sort of delay though, with scant information to go on, was we weren’t sure if the wedding would even take place—the groom was several thousand kilometres away over in Adelaide for all we knew. And you can’t have a wedding without a groom!

Thinking broader though, we don’t tend to react well to these sorts of piffling inconveniences, do we? I know I was tempted to spit the dummy in that initial moment. Open-ended delays are the pits especially when you’re so far from home and the fact there’s little that can be done about it. But another truth is these things are destined to happen to all of us from time to time.

When we’re placed in situations and must face certain undeniable realities it does us no good to cuss and complain. (Of course, most of us know this, yet we’ll still often let fly—if nothing else within ourselves. Life is funny—why is it that we overreact and then have cause only later to reflect humbly over our childish “reactive” antics?)

Yet, life rewards the opportunist—the person who can, in the instant of their frustration and confusion, dream up a blessing out of the awkwardness creating the inner discord.

Not surprisingly, the world is still a gorgeous place underneath the haranguing situations you and I perhaps have found ourselves in.

Here’s something to remember:

Rude surprise; blessing in disguise.

For my wife and me it actually proved a good little sojourn; it’s not like we didn’t need a little time together anyway. Time like this is always welcome. The wedding did get under way eventually, and even sooner than we’d originally thought; so all ended up well.

When we draw upon the resources we actually have on us, and we’re driven by the thought that this interruption can actually become a blessing in disguise, there’s no limit to what we might extract from the otherwise calamitous circumstance.

Surely a key learning can be: dream up your own answer to your “present” debacles of the future.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Conversations with a Six-Year-Old

EXPERIENCE is a wonderfully rich thing; not in the moment always, but as we reflect, the significance simply overwhelms. Seated at a table at a wedding as an impromptu guest recently, my neighbour was one delightful young man with the propriety of an adult. Trying not to look too conspicuous I engaged him in dialogue, and after introduction, I asked him questions ranging from naming pleasantries to what he enjoyed doing.

I marvelled later regarding what my conversation with young Sam—his nearby parents of which I know—revealed about myself through his eyes and I felt as if I was talking almost with myself; certainly a glimpse of the inner “me.”

Asking his age, he indicated he was turning seven. I was curious to know if that would make him a ‘lot bigger,’ thinking how significant my own memories of passing birthdays were at that sort of age. With a short pause he simply answered matter-of-factly with poise and politeness: “No, I’ll just be a little bigger.”

When we got onto the subject of counting, he proudly declared he was no longer allowed to count with his fingers; he can count to “nine thousand and ninety nine” you know! And then he set about demonstrating... but his favourite pastime was ‘playing cars’ at Recess and Lunch at school with his friends. Showing his growing aplomb with physics he described the hazards of inclines, slopes and the various terrains his cars must negotiate as he plays with them.

As we ate and talked, it was clear that this little guy was really socially conscious and recognising this forced me to adjust to his sensitivities. I had to respect this little guy. I think this is what struck me most. He was guarded but in a way wise beyond his few years; the eldest of three, a defender and explainer of his younger two siblings—which is not atypical of an eldest child.

During the remainder of the event, my interactions with young Sam built upon the initial rapport we’d developed. Like with all our relationships we’re loath to threaten the trust developed, and even more so with ever-trusting children. Our minds skip fancifully to some of the darker things adults have done with or to children, harming our precious future.

What I learned most of all during this cherishable quarter hour was just how much thought needed to go into the interaction as we wove through each other’s psyches, building rapport.

We can learn so much about ourselves through chatting with children, for we’re but kids ourselves. We never fully reconcile our pasts I find; we’re always mystified by them, and quite possibly both from positive and negative viewpoints.

Getting to know, appreciate, and most of all accept the inner child within is probably the greatest freedom we can bestow on ourselves and others we relate with.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Weddings – Misery, Ecstasy and All Emotion Between

As I apply pen to paper I see through tear-laden eyes of compassion. A wedding just solemnised and champagne aplenty—yet there are tears, and not all of joy. The tears comprise the whole emotional spectrum. At this wedding, as at any wedding, there are singles—never-married’s, widowed and divorced—and there are those married too; all of which are living any manner of life that reminds us too easily: life’s cruel joke—unrequited love, love taken too early or love that didn’t deliver on its promise.

There’s a special couple at this particular wedding. Married eighteen years they’ve survived many friends’ marriages which have along the way been summarily stripped bare of the passion, intimacy and finally the commitment required to ‘go the distance.’

Sure, they wear the battle scars, and they’ve got the teen children to prove it. At this wedding they stand united together, with very good single divorced friend, who too has been through the marital ringer—long rejected by her then husband.

The wedding as a glimpse through the lenses of these three people reveals some fascinating insights. Weddings are not just all beer and skittles, or appropriately, champagne, fancy dinners and funny (or boring) speeches. They involve such a raft of emotional burden for almost everyone.

As the Wedding is solemnised emotions tip for the male partner of couple profiled above. His extended family story is one of feelings etched in non-reconciliation—his ten-year burden of grief, when the wheels fell off, wells easily to the surface on these sorts of occasions. His “softness,” however, is a strength, but he still battles for faith each day of his life. His wife sees him struggle—herself in tears—she goes to his aid with a wry smile on her face as if to say, ‘Gee, we’re funny, aren’t we?’ He reciprocates and the ice is broken; they’re back in the game.

The divorced single woman seems to have re-adjusted to life of singleness very well; but she’s not fooling some. I recall a cousin’s wedding in the sharpness of my own recovery. Even though I felt great for him, the wedding was the last place I wanted to be. This woman had had five years to re-adjust, but some things don’t change. The past is dredged up in an instant, especially when we have no one to share it with. And, for the widowed, will they ever adjust?

Then there’s the “married’s” at the wedding; those “happily” married and those not. Weddings seem to reinforce strong divergences to the positive or negative for these; the happy couples love weddings; it only brings them closer to each other in their ecstasy—those less happy consider reflectively, without much joy, their present circumstance and their anchored, perhaps hopeless future. They lament with resignation what they dare not acknowledge.

And each person has family experiences at their root with which to reconcile, speaking straight to the heart of marriage, weddings and the like. There’s an emotional story behind every one of us and it surrounds our experience with the families we were raised in. The wounds only re-appear, unless we choose to courageously and truthfully dispose of them; ironically, as a way of truly appreciating them and the glory of our lostness. Then, and only then, can an unabetted joy take place.

Weddings are for many people, painful, sad events where common realities again rise to the fore; our sense of identity put again to the test, if not already resolved.

One thing we can learn is this: we needn’t live anchored to the past. The only way we can be released from such a past, however, is to ruthlessly attend to it, acknowledge our woundedness and commit to being honest about it in an ongoing way.

Such devotedness to our truth is honoured with this resplendent joy not known to many people. These people learn to truly live the Serenity Prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things [in my past] I cannot change;

courage to change the things [about the past, and the way I see the past] I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.”

~Reinhold Niebuhr.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Powers That Augment Your Relationships (and Those That Don’t!)

Relational satisfaction—the perennial issue. It’s never going away. The nexus of our relationships as far as influence is concerned can be adequately described via two leadership outcomes; one positive and intrinsically motivating, generating growth—the other negative, requiring extrinsic motivation; one that stifles relational and personal growth.

I love it how academia often describes what we already implicitly know, yet need words and thinking constructs around.

The premise discussed here is leadership theory but it works in any setting, for it describes the charismatic individual who uses reason and logic to good effect and who wins most if not all their relational outcomes; they inspire others, are fun to be around and they’re a joy to relate with, ordinarily.

Five leadership models of power in relationships... the five powers are: personal-positional-expert-reward-coercive. Two are positive—often to be used. These are personal and expert power. The other three are negative—rarely to be used. These are the positional, reward and coercive powers.

Personal and Expert Power

The mix of personal warmth, virtuous attributes and appropriately applied knowledge, often attributed as wisdom, is winsome in relationships—all of them—except in exceptional circumstances.

People seem to appreciate reason and logic almost all the time in those they’re dealing with. As a universal it intuits both respect and trust. Expert power is the most seductive power.

Positional, Reward and Coercive Power

The mix of authoritarianism, carrots dangled and consequences issued, plus the action of coercion is destructive in relationships—all of them—except in exceptional circumstances.

People who force their way end up making more poor decisions than good ones in the longer run.

Summarising Two Vastly Different Styles of Interacting

1. What wins most easily in relationships is good information effectively and fairly used. Next is the dealing we have with friendly and assertive people, which is quickly followed by times when we form coalitions with others; finally, bargaining and negotiating with people can be a lot of fun.

2. What starts us on the losing track is when people routinely order others’ compliance, enforcing authority levels, and the implementation of ritualised sanctions and punishments. This gets staid, predictable, ‘too serious’ and de-motivating.

The theory works in the workplace, at home with the family, at leisure with friends—simply everywhere. Apply the wise use of information and your personal winsome charm, in that order, consistently—with only rare but applicable use of coercive, forcing tactics when under true “team” pressure. Do this and in any relationship role in life you will tend to succeed.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Reference: Nick Forster, “Power and Influence” in Understanding Influence for Leaders at All Levels (Management Today Book Series) (Sydney, McGraw-Hill: 2005). Extract. Retrieved 4 February, 2010. http://www.aim.com.au/publications/mtbooks_influence_chap1.html

What Stands in the Way of Your Relational Happiness? Could It Be Amends?

“Gladly we desire to make other [people] perfect, but we will not amend our own fault.”

~Thomas á Kempis.

I find it strangely humbling to first notice, through the inspiration of the Spirit, the side of my own fault in relationships. Strange because I should feel a wealth of guilt and shame; yet a bizarre “easing” thing happens. My troubling mindset is in fact relieved as if magically because I am at once the master of my own destiny—I can make amends! Added to this is the rather compassionate hindsight I receive. I at once start to fill the shoes of the other person. ‘Hmm... this feels different.’

And this is all good!

Generally what threatens all our relationships is the ever-growing chasm of conflict that is produced when one or neither party sees their own fault. These conflicts keep us from peace—and this, ironically, is our golden clue toward fresh relational life.

The dis-ease we experience is good for us simply because it’s designed to create awareness in us to make our amends. All deeper relationships need their “amends” time, for we have this propensity to say and do hurtful things to each other if we have a functional relationship. And if we don’t address the conflict by making our amends, we’ll soon be threatened with a dysfunctional relationship. It happens.

The beautiful personal wonder in this is, when we do take our moral inventories and prepare to make amends, we’re well on our way to being healed from the inside out—devoid even of the other person’s reaction to our eventual amends.

Their reaction hardly matters at this stage because we have resolved in our own minds our part of the fault and blame and we rest comfortably that at least we’re being honest and fair. Our approach to them is changed in an instant; and this augments a sudden reduction in the fear we’d otherwise have experienced. The fear can even be removed, lifted from the situation.

The goal is that we gradually go on improving our relationship with them, for our antagonism is suddenly there no longer. Things can only improve.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Bus Stops, Umbrellas and Journeys of Love

“Bus stop, wet day, she’s there, I say

Please share my umbrella

Bus stop, bus goes, she stays, love grows

Under my umbrella.”

~Bus Stop (1966), The Hollies.

Describing your falling in love in twenty-three words—I like it! The journey of love finds most of us one way or the other, in a myriad of colourful forms. As the song goes, that umbrella leads us all to vows. And how love morphs from there!

In the true didactic dance of love we’re scooped up on the journey of not just love, but life. [I keep wanting to finish my sentences with exclamation marks!] Our romance gently meanders, innocently toward things so serious and life-rending; and we never quite see it.

The start of a long-term relationship, and certainly marriage, needs its break. Who’d engage in the “workload” otherwise?

When we’ve distilled our relationships down to—for women—men fixing things around the home and procreation—and for men—women providing sex and looking after them when they’re sick, we’ve got it awfully wrong... the respective people who hold those views. Yet that’s the temptation especially in the midst of what at times can be continual conflict.

Why do we forget the beautiful times when we shared the umbrella at the bus stop?

For every couple, it seems, there is a golden opportunity to retain some ‘oral tradition’ in the form of their unique history—when others looked on as if they were insane at that proverbial bus stop. These are the times when two minds merged and two hearts became one. These are divine moments worthy of cherishing.

Our journeys of love are enriched through the course of oral tradition—recalling those tender and funny and deep moments that meant (and still mean) so much. There will always come a time when we’ll need them.

Practice your oral tradition now. Recall and savour it... your ‘umbrella moments.’

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Changing Minds – Accepting Others’ Values and Beliefs

“Values and beliefs are very deep structures and even intensive methods [such as brainwashing] can be insufficient to irreversibly change them.”

~David Straker, Changing Minds – In Detail.

Seeking to change people against the flow of themselves is fraught with danger, relationally. So, then, why do we even try to do that, husband, wife, employee, manager or pastor?

These deep-seated structures—values and beliefs—are core to the people in our midst and they seem to hold them for their whole lifetimes. So, how do we work with these people in the ‘world of influence’ i.e. when we have a role to influence others for their and our own good; for the “team” goal?

The answer, I think, is to go against the whole matter of trying to influence. Our success depends mostly on the trust we have with people; how much they respect us, and us them. When we achieve these interpersonal results of positive rapport, and these people know our goals—as we seek to create influence, they will tend to want to align. We create alliances beyond the goals at hand; the bonds are stronger than the task within reach.

Changing minds comes notionally as a result of perhaps seeking the opposite—a totally rampant acceptance of peoples’ precious individualised viewpoints.

How is it that we can achieve such an entwined purpose when we’re not seeking the goal itself? Perhaps it gives some credence to the fact that everyone’s values and belief systems inherently reinforce this one thing:

Everyone wants to be treated authentically, with respect and devoid of another person’s agenda. Everyone wants others to achieve their innate opinions.

Everyone genuinely requires acceptance to truly thrive—in any situation, and yet this acceptance is quite simply the easiest thing to give. We only have to think passionately of the other person. But how many struggle to get beyond their own needs?

As a leader or a person of influence, surely it is others we’re in it for. Unfortunately, however, this is not always the case, and this is when we will get it all wrong. Achieving results against the grain is not only not enjoyable, it simply doesn’t work—not with sustainability in the long run.

We must start to trust people’s base values and beliefs without casting aspersions (either positive or negative) and seek to not change them. Other people’s values and beliefs are so very “them” they have nothing to do with us. Even if they did, we couldn’t change them.

We can only accept this.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Familial Forgiveness – Act and Practice

We’ve all been there. A fight between two family members leads to a fraying of edges, perhaps at the end of a long time together, and suddenly what is just a simple conflict begins to take a more sinister, insidious shape.

How is it that life is “spoiled” by these occasions? Well, for starters, we’re more emotionally piqued by close family—they know our buttons and occasionally they press them!

In all families the need of forgiveness is constant. It protects trust. Trust is vital in all familial relationships—the cornerstone of any decent relationship if we’re honest about it.

Trust is never more under threat within the family unit than in the ‘family fight.’ Not that all family members are actual protagonists, but by virtue of their mere presence oftentimes, everyone is implicated in it one way or other, actively or passively. Ever noticed that fights require sides to be taken? (Well, the implication of sides, anyway.)

Patience can be tested most in those we’ve most familiarity with. And to a certain extent we can get away with abusing some of the ones which most love us; the ones we too love without condition—and they with us too.

Forgiveness is critical in restoring trust in any haggard relationship.

It still surprises me, however, the number of people who willingly hold onto caustic grudges—not just in familial matters either. These people only hurt themselves, but they also drag others down with them, especially the ones who’re more than prepared to bury the hatchet.

The quicker, more genuine, the forgiving action in our family relationships, the more pure the love we enjoy. Period. Who in their right mind would hold back on those they truly love? Who in their right mind would hold back on themselves?

It bodes us increasingly; our families are very important to us whether we like it or not. Any discomfort to actually forgive that family member who’s “wronged” you; or vice versa, the discomfort to seek forgiveness, is so abundantly worth breaking through—every last bit.

It takes courage to forgive and be forgiven. The benefits are freedom; pure, unadulterated, majestic, joyous freedom—and freedom for one and all.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.