Dear Mothers, We Love You and Thank You

“A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”

~Tenneva Jordan.

The thing we love about Mother’s Day is the ideal represented in the above quote. And, of course, not all mothers completely meet this ideal, but I think it says a lot for the general character of mothers.

The Purpose and Journey of Parenting

Parenting is basically a device that helps us feel like God feels—toward another human being. For mothers, it generally involves pregnancy (for not all true mothers bore their children—think about it).

Change and a myriad of physical, mental and emotional stimuli become part and parcel of life from the moment of conception and those themes last generally for the child’s lifetime—and beyond in the case of the child dying before the mother. There is an irrefutable link to eternity between mother and child. Motherhood, hence, is a life-changing contract with God.

Motherhood’s Requirements

There’s fundamentally a full weight of sacrifice involved in epitomised motherhood. For their best, the kids come first—that is, they’re not given their own way all the time, but the model of sacrificial love is first (ideally) learned from Mum (and Dad). The ‘love strand’ is hence passed down to the next generation—for love is giving, serving etc.

The traditional stay-at-home mother was always in the best position to do this. Somehow the kids need to learn this sacrificial but balanced love and it is best from both parents. But, of course, Mother’s generally in the most natural position to further the bond created during gestation, notwithstanding the traditional family models are now turned on their head.

‘Other’ Mothers – Mothers All the Same

Many do not have links or love for a natural mother, but they have a grandmother or foster mother or some other mother figure that played the key role. Many too, sadly, never had a mother figure and we can only hope they see motherhood on display and, rather than pine for it, appreciate how beautiful motherhood actually is.

Mother’s Day Sadness

Sometimes Mother’s Day brings a sadness; perhaps for a lost mother, or even perpetually for a neglectful or abusive mother endured in the past. For the latter, all we can do is negate the negative and focus on this vision of motherhood as guide, mentor and sacrificial lamb of the family (together with father—if the family’s constructed that way, for no assumptions can be made about ‘family’ these days).

And for some women there is the shredding and heartrending sadness of not being able to be a mother—or of not having achieved that goal as yet. Mother’s Day is often then a reminder of sadness’s never too far away. God be with you.

Mothers – We Salute and Love You

Personally I’m blessed incredibly with a wonderful mother, and she lives—a fact never to be taken for granted whilst that fact remains, though sometimes I do. Such is a mother’s grace, she forgives in an instant.

Mothers, one and all, for all that you mean to us and for all those in-the-moment sacrifices of love you make, we salute you today, and we love you back. We hope that today (and all days) that you can know the satisfaction of God’s Spirit resting serenely in you as you lead and support your families according to their very needs. God bless you all.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

We Will Be Alone – the Great Truth of ‘Aloneness’

KIDS ULTIMATELY GET AN AWFUL FRIGHT. When the cognitive light finally goes on in all children’s minds they discover that they (and we) live in a world that necessitates aloneness—sometimes it’s inescapable. Breeding this reality in children—a safe autonomy of spirit—is hence a parental imperative.

Now, being alone in the world, even though we travel our journeys with people, merely underscores how important faith, hope and a friend in God are.

There are times, as adults, when we’ll feel incredibly desolate, confused and numbed to a communal reality—and even more so in pretentiousness; oh how ghastly that is! We just can’t be reached spiritually at these times when we’re pretending to be someone we’re not. And yet, these can perhaps be seen as tests to strengthen us, even though that ‘scene’ is beyond our vision. The terror holds us for a time.

This spiritual call is really about being true to ourselves.

And when children begin to understand that the initial gauntlet is confirmed in the adult experience of aloneness it brings a certain jolt. This is generally the teen or early adult experience of it. Suddenly there’s the feeling of aloneness, but now with it, an altogether scary context of responsibility—mix that with the vociferous lack of confidence many feel glued to. No wonder many feel overwhelmed and abandoned.

Their symbiotic attachments of childhood—still clinging somewhat—are wrenched away; let go in a world big and cumbersome, so far as complexity and identity are concerned.

Then we come again, in our adulthood, knowing the scant truth of the world—many things do come against us and not even our closest family can assist us cope; not in terms of the visceral—the stuff of the mind and heart; the personal experience.

Our thoughts and feelings are ours and ours alone. Who can truly tell how deep in the mire someone else is feeling?

Oh what a friend to have in Jesus, through these times. But it needs to be a practical friendship that means we’re spiritually in good company—especially when we’re physically alone. Rubbish! We can feel mightily alone in a crowded room. Feeling alone is haphazardly indiscriminate. Aloneness is a respecter of no person; it leaves it swath behind without a care.

Alone we come into the world and alone we leave it. It compounds the case for God and our need of him. This is a thing we must teach our children.

It’s also a thing to heed as adults. Faith and hope are ours in God.

And you’ve waited patiently, so here it is... aloneness’s great truth is we are our own best companions. When we realise this; that we’re top people who’re really worth knowing, we invest of ourselves and we delight to explore our identities... and from this, everything else eventually comes.

The journey to God is the journey to self. Let’s become ourselves—our true, God-intended selves! Let that idea sink deep within, anchoring to our very souls.

God has put us in charge of this process; and he leads us when we’re ready.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Too Cool for School?

“The true means of being misled is to believe oneself finer than the others.”

~François de la Rochefoucauld.

It leaves a distinctly sour taste in our mouths and within our conscious minds as we shrug our metaphorical shoulders. It’s the spat of pride, that sense that someone is better than we are, and don’t they just know it.

Let us explore it more deeply.

In all walks of life we find the person thinking they’re superior to their contemporaries—the above quote spins their ‘wisdom’ over on top of them, however. Watch and wait; they’ll soon be caused to eat humble pie—if, that is, they have the character capability to do that. Many simply ignore the behest of these natural consequences, going on in their arrogant pride, seemingly never learning their lessons in life.

This is, of course, a personal reminder to us—if we’re caused to reflect—that we all have a tinge of hypocrisy to deal with, saving none. Gee, I can recall the shrill sweated brow as I’ve suddenly realised my own pomposity!—how tolerant some people have been with me.

Thinking very introspectively helps us have some level of pity for the person deluded under their own steam and in overdrive. We sense a very intrinsic part of ourselves in their show of arrogance—if we’re honest. This is what sticks in our throats at the subconscious level.

It is a great travesty to be ‘too cool for school’—which is a very Gen Y term for those who have that rancid ability to turn people off in their posh approach to life.

But what about us? How do we patiently deal with these people who’ve clearly got a superiority complex?

The mature mind can deal with a situation like this in quite the way the proud person wants. They can submit their will to the situation and give the person who’s too cool for school their way provided it’s not going to hurt anyone. They see that the person here is somewhat deluded and instead of being offended—and potentially either hurting or offending this person in their response—they express empathy through coming alongside them. It pays to be inoffendable.

At the end of the day we are all better off accepting that each and every human being is from God and is loved by God, no matter their quirks and ‘deficiencies,’ and if God loves everyone we ought to love them too.

Life is always better that way. Love harder.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Take Your Time – Now, Whilst You Have It

“A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.”

~Edgar J. Mohn.

What is that most elusive commodity we all want more of? It’s time. Yet the paradoxical madness of the collective reality is how often we abuse time and think almost nothing of it, when we can’t get back the time we waste. This is known to us and others in our lack of preparedness to spend time with family and loved ones. Some get the balance right but most will usually struggle at least somewhat.

And how do I know? I learned the hard way—taking the jet-setting business lifestyle for a ride that lasted twenty months—only to find a marriage in ruins on the other side. And yet, since times I’ve learned so much. Never again will I take time with family—at that level—so much for granted.

Yet, I’m a slow learner really. (Most of us are.) I still choose my own stuff over time with my family too much... I mean in the momentary sense. My great love is to write, and so I find I’ve needed to place boundaries on that activity to protect the necessary time with family. Boundaries need constant monitoring and vigilance.

Our commitment to spending time with our families is measured in time—seems rather conventional doesn’t it?

The person committing most time (and effort) is blessed in the fact that they’re living a life of truth, for no one can do much better than spend a great amount of quality time with family.

I suppose this doesn’t help much the family that has to undergo enforced separation due to duty that is borne on the heart—serving one’s country, for instance. That’s different. Where would we be if the thousands who were needed to serve away from their families didn’t do so? Our society wouldn’t function.

These are the practicalities that must be worked out.

However, the general rule is those commending their time to their families are living the long form of life—that of endurance—for which they’ll be greatly blessed.

Their commitment of sustainable investment will see the maturation of harvest in their own time, and the time beyond. There is a propagating quality of good in families who spend generous portions of time together.

Love knows no bounds in a family context such as this.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

The Blessing Family Is

“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.”

~Desmond Tutu.

Gratitude is a theme that runs through my mind just presently. Of the awed series’ of blessings we get to gorge upon in this life, how wonderful it is that we have family—familial family, friends, those even of like mind?

We can be rhetorically amazed at the simplicity and power of ‘family love.’

Not only are we blessed these ways, they are too. We say, “Aw, shucks...” and modestly shrug off the truth—that we’re loved and are lovable. Fortunately for us, this truth clings and we cannot escape the fact that our families love us. This is great safety.

And if we ever felt unloved or unlovable I know a family that would accept us—it’s the Christian family—the church. And if one body of believers ever hurt us, or two, or three, we could as easily have the faith that there are some out there—more genuine in their love—that will love us.

We’re all gorgeous when we seek to love!—that is to simply live for others. We do this for them; they do it for us. It’s the gift of love.

Classically the function of familial love answers the above directly. We reap generally according to what we sow. We love and are therefore loved. God loves us so we love ourselves; we then love others freely, unencumbered.

But the family’s love is not conditional always to sowing and reaping is it? We can’t help but love our families.

Taking a special moment today to bless a family member, whoever they are, and however you choose to do it, is the sprinkling of a God-dusted love beyond the world over them and us.

Both will know blessing sourced far beyond this world.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Observing Our Partners

YOU’RE AT A PARTY AND YOU’RE CLASSICALLY BORED. Whilst your partner is having a wow-of-a-time, you just want to go home; it’s not your cup of tea at all.

But there’s an additional problem. Not once do they connect with you; that you’re feeling very bemused about it all. You’ve tried all the subtle and not-so-subtle body language, from quiet sighs to squirming, and it’s just not registering.

Knowing this scenario has happened to you, what are you going to do the next time the shoe’s on the other foot. Seek revenge by ignoring your partner?

Of course you’re not. (Well, I hope you won’t.)

It’s the ideal stimuli to start to observe our partners more because you hated not being noticed.

As couples we have to remain together. It’s far better to keep one eye on the action at the event and the other on our partner. At the first sign of boredom, disinterest or any other ‘hassle’ in our partners we should reunite and pool thought on plans for the immediate future.

We can do this physically by shifting closer to them.

We can do this mentally by re-establishing more continual eye contact.

We can do this emotionally by having empathy for what they’re feeling.

Relationships are about the twosome. They’re not about one person getting their own way most of the time. When we act in faith to re-connect we send powerful messages of respect to our partners. And we can have faith too that this respect, in its own way, will rebound—not that we expect same.

It’s a simple activity of caring perception to keep observing our partners in social situations—to maintain the spiritual ‘partnership’ connection. This is certainly part of our role as faithful partners.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

The Servant Leader Role – Organiser, Catalyst, Steward

“Rugged individualism, a cherished value in American society, can cloud our vision, causing us to forget that leaders ultimately serve others.”

~Delorese Ambrose (italics added).

We too easily forget when climbing our towers, achieving our own version of “greatness,” of the people beneath us and how we depend on them. Truth be told, they too rely on us, but how often does the modern leader truly cherish his or her own subordinates? This, however, is the challenge of true leadership.

This is a biblical model of leadership; indeed, it is the very basis of the only working model that sustains itself.

For the processes they’re charged with to grow, the leader must recognise and effect personal decrease, and promote worker increase. It opens the leader to true delegation of power and freedom of reign—joined with a faith that their unique contribution as ‘leader’ is enough, and that their ‘star’ worker might outshine them and that would be great. It is true altruism.

How many of us yearn to be led like this. For the boss to say, “C’mon, show me what you can do.” It’s a risk to truly let people go and in the same breath say, “Is there anything I can do to support you... I want you to succeed.”

What do people see in true servant leaders? A whole heap of virtues that are rarely seen in this day, or any day for that matter. It’s the honesty, humility, integrity, faith, resilience and courage, and ‘self-effacingness’ that intuits admiration from the onlooker and follower. It communicates respect and a love for the other person that is so much more powerful than all the flattery in the history of time. Everyone wants a leader who will give of themselves as impetus for a personal lift to another person.

Servant leadership promotes collaboration, trust, empathy, and the ethical use of power. It is recognising the good and getting fully behind it, encouraging, coaxing, and cheerleading. It is broader picture stuff—much broader than most people’s vision. Servant leadership is saying, “I’m here, I believe in what we’re doing, and I’m going to be right behind this venture/person/group until the job’s finished.” And this person deflects the kudos, but not in a false way; they simply see the role of the one/group that actually did the work as primary. They’re inspired to deflect that kudos out of love.

Servant leaders are many things, not the least of which organisers, catalysts, and stewards. They produce results by funnelling resources responsibly; efficiently. They recognise areas of potential for growth due to their vision; they act. They communicate effectively, and always seem to have their emotions in check because it’s not their personal pride on the line—it’s the team’s.

Servant leaders are first and foremost, trustworthy. You’d mortgage the house, going surety on them. Again, what we’d do for more of them?

© 2008, 2010 S. J. Wickham.

The “Habit of Happiness” in Marriage from SYMBIS

It’s so sad that many who venture into marriage never achieve what they were destined to find—happiness and peace from the ‘one-fleshness’ of life devoted to another. Yet, all people who’ve married seem to relate with the struggles involved in achieving the peace and happiness available in marriage.

The theories espoused in the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS) are foundational to both the preparation for married life and the ongoing maintenance of the relationship.

The theory put forward that’s of most relevance here is the “habit of happiness.” The book tells us that, “Happy couples decide to be happy... they make happiness a habit... in spite of the troubles life deals them.”[1]

The mind is behind all of this. The mind is like a computer processor and it needs to be programmed for success. And we can programme it to default to positive thinking or negative thinking; it’s our choice.

It is amazing how differently our circumstances can be interpreted—positively at one extreme and negatively at the other. “Happiness,” it is said, “does not hinge on better circumstances.”[2] Negative people tend to focus on reality, whereas positive people tend to focus on the possibilities. Positive, happy people are forward-thinkers. They don’t get stuck in the swampy past.

We must ask ourselves the question: “How do I interpret my circumstances—positively or negatively?” It’s our choice.

Marriages work best when there is a “no fault, no blame” attitude underpinning both partners’ approach to each other. “No one can make another person unhappy.”[3] We can only make ourselves unhappy. Again, it’s our personal choice.

The secret of happy couples is they “adjust to things beyond [their] control.”[4] They make a habit of it. They make being happy a habitual activity. Remember, think possibilities not reality.

© 2009, 2010, S. J. Wickham.

ENDNOTES:

[1] Les Parrott & Leslie Parrott, Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before – and After You Marry (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1995, 2006), p. 60.

[2] Parrott & Parrott, Ibid, p. 63.

[3] Parrott & Parrott, Ibid, p. 65.

[4] Parrott & Parrott, Ibid, p. 66.

The Boundaried Existence – Compounding and Affirming Love

“Boundary setting is a large part of maturing. We can’t really love until we have boundaries—otherwise we love out of compliance and guilt.”

~Cloud & Townsend, Boundaries, Strand Publishing, 1992.

Relationships begin at their core at the state of two selves, individually and in combination. No one who lives irresponsibly to themselves can possibly live to a great extent for someone else. First we must be more-or-less whole people.

This concept of boundaries—where I finish and you start and vice versa—is enshrined in responsibility. It takes account of truth in entity form. It respects this truth—the world limited to me; a place I can easily encroach and offend if I’m not careful.

Boundary setting at the personal level is hence the foundation and pre-requisite of acceptance of boundary setting at the level of the relationship, given that personal responsibility is the act of creating and maintaining effective boundaries, for instance, self control.

Where we have flimsily constructed and therefore poorly defined and understood boundaries, love flails. We want to love and we know that love is the intrinsic desire of our hearts but we have no context with which to work with, much like trying to fish is when we have no knowledge of the waters we’re fishing in.

Living in the lap of a boundaried existence is really about being communicative about expectations and knowing when to correctly say “yes” and when to say “no” in accord with the relationship situations we find ourselves in. It’s safe ground for us and them.

Because the boundaries are communicated and tried and fed back within the relationship both partners are taking responsibility for their parts in the relationship.

And therefore freedom—in the relational sense—co-exists between the two with the adherence to these boundary truths.

Furthermore, freedom between two in such a way propagates the best of love—a love that’s safe and free to explore within the realms of a wide area of safety.

And although the boundaries don’t grow outwardly of themselves, the previously known boundaries of trust and respect are expanded. Confidence is known beyond that which was ordinarily known previously.

Confidence in faith is a wonderfully hope-purposed arrangement as a positive outlook fills the spiritual and psychological landscape of both the relationship and the individuals concerned.

Finally, the boundaried existence—when it is shared—is fundamentally the halcyon of life itself. We have reached a place here of God and the heavens—in the presence of the angels—and still we get to enjoy this earth; together, safe, free, and at peace.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

CONSUMMATION

“Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting... Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her.”

~Ephesians 5:25-28 (Msg).

Whenever we think of the word “consummation,” certainly in the context of weddings, we get the distinctly smouldering image of sex before our thoughts—the eyes of our minds and hearts deliciously absorbed. A million dreamy feelings fill us as we give ourselves permission to muse on the thought—bridegroom and bride bringing sexual completion to the fresh marital union.

But consummation is about so much more; sex certainly is the physical consummation—a concept almost too wonderful to understand (Proverbs 30:18-19). But we miss the potential of this concept if we leave it there. Spiritual consummation, in terms of marriage, is living a love that refuses to love self just like it once did. Self love is merely the start.

Self love—safely positioned—the pre-requisite—now is the springboard to building further for a love investment for our partner.

Consummation is truly about being totally consumed in the love of another to the point that life will never ever be the same again. A fusion has taken place and the two individuals have truly become one. The two together are far more as a force than they are put together individually.

As if they’re back-to-back soldiers protecting each other’s back, they ward off attackers, not simply defending their own back. Indeed, they’ve entrusted the welfare of their own back to their mate, in the faith of holy trust.

This love is not a mushy thing; it’s a practical thing that is defined by what is done for the other person—even more so where there is nothing expected by way of return. And when we seek our own selfish credit for such acts we cast love into an irretrievable furnace, burning it to the contempt of the love that was otherwise quite simply achievable. And as we watch it burn, we ourselves miss out.

And this is a love—the sacrificial kind—that for a woman connects with her innermost soul. She pines to be sweep up in love like that represented in Christ loving the church. And for the woman who misses out on this love—and most women do most of the time—she can never reach a hope-filled and safe plateau with which to graze upon. This is a tall ask for us men. We can’t hope to come close to perfecting Christ’s love for the church in loving our wives—not all the time at least. But, we must try.

This is not a go at men. It is simply illustrative of one side of love—the Christ-side—investing in love; giving of itself sacrificially. And we can all do that: men and women.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.