‘Fixing’ Our Broken Family

Separations and divorces call most urgently for responsible parenting; at least one parent must be ‘adult’ by way of their constant sacrificing for the global needs of the decimated family. It only takes one. But if both parents insist on acting like children, putting their own selfish agendas over harmony—if they both react—then it is hell for the children. And it can only really be cursing that results.

***

Broken is the family,

Smashed beyond belief,

How do they have hope?

How do they gain relief?

Parents at loggerheads,

Children asking why,

How’s the conflict calmed,

When everything’s always awry?

A parent giving over their will,

Love is now obeyed,

Can somehow afford to be still,

Knowing children’s needs are made.

***

The imagery of the family going through violent transitions—a passage to a deathly new life—is heartrending for those loved ones and friends close by, not least for the protagonists.

It Takes Just One

Somehow one parent must take charge through an ironical surrender, for love surrenders to protect others over itself. It only takes one, but one at that. In so many broken families not even one adult-behaving parent can be found.

Sure, selfishness will always rear its ugly head in a moment of confused anger. The main thing is the quick restoration of a loving status quo through apology and repentance. And quick restorations are a routine need; the nature of conflict in dysfunctional families is an ebb and flow in an ongoing sense.

If one parent can commit themselves to that high ideal of restoring peace, providing quick restorations, in the spirit of unity, the whole family has a hope.

Ours is the opportunity to be that one; to be the hero or heroine for our children; to provide them with hope and thus a future in the midst of millions of broken families without a skerrick of hope.

A single mother or single father can be both mother and father or father and mother if they have to be. God fills the void making things ‘good enough’, certainly survivable.

Even if we didn’t believe in God, we know that love is of God, and it fills us with the desire, motive and methods to sacrifice for those who cannot fend for themselves.

Faith in a Hope That Cannot Be Seen

This is a biblical truth, and a paradox at that:

When we are in a situation of utter brokenness, the family in disarray, ourselves hurting from the sting of rejection, abuse or neglect, hope is impossible to see, unless we choose by faith to see—that is, to act in hope in the absence of sight.

It takes a lot of faith to have hope enough to sacrifice our selfish need. But God gives us a blessing in that instant when we see the hope return to our children’s eyes. That’s down-payment enough.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

When Can I Withhold The Truth?

“The decision to withhold the truth must always be based entirely upon the needs of the person or people from whom the truth is being withheld.” ~M. Scott Peck M.D.

We have perhaps been told that keeping a ‘good secret’ is fine. Trouble is many of our so-called good secrets have tended to backfire awkwardly on us.

Whenever we falter, so far as secrets are concerned, we can perhaps analyse the reasons rooted in crossed or confused motives. No matter how well intended the secret is, the motive for self-gain is somehow usually present, not to mention the complex dynamics—because of the other people involved we don’t normally think about.

We are not typically good at predicting future permeations; how things might turn out.

When Is It Okay?

Withholding the fact and details of our illicit drug use, for instance, back when we were younger, from our children in their formative years, is a sort of secret that is based entirely upon their needs. They don’t need to be exposed to such truths; not now. But if we were to be asked about it, we would need to be prepared to offer some sort of honest, though protected, response.

Another good example is illustrated in Step Nine of the 12-Step Program. Where we wish to repent of deeds past we need to be cautious enough not to injure people in order to satisfy the making of amends. In other words, if a fact of truth has the potential to harm rather than liberate we are better to conceal it in the person’s presence. We are not going to pursue our own healing at the expense of another. Some people and situations may never be ready for our amends. This we must accept.

These are only two examples. There are perhaps many similar ones. But these two illustrate how the other person is at the forefront of our thinking, not the other way around.

When Is It Advised?

It can be safe to say from what was discussed above that the threats of keeping secrets—no matter how well-intentioned they are—are real and even unpredictable regarding the cost. It’s a risk. On the one hand, no risk means no return; on the other, one risk gone wrong can threaten, or even destroy, trust.

To keep genuinely good secrets is something we need to be disciplined at. Like telling the truth, the less we talk the less chance we have of lying or omitting significant details; similarly, the less truth we try to conceal the less chance a so-called good secret can backfire.

Now, a gift planned in secret can usually never backfire, but bearing in mind the possibility that it could might assist our planning. For example, a gift destined for one’s wife ought to be somehow marked-out uniquely for her, so that if it were to be discovered there is less risk of the wife’s mind going on a flight of fancy regarding ‘who’ it might be for or why. Our minds do funny things; better to plan for success.

***

The key is the other person’s or group’s need—never our own.

Withholding the truth for appropriate reason depends upon a rigorous self-honesty. If we’re honest with ourselves, accountable for our actions, and always looking out for the people affected, we perhaps have the fitting checks and balances in place.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Is There Life After Love?

Is there life after love? The person who has been stung by the hurt of love gone wrong will seriously doubt—mid-throe—that life might again, at some later stage, resemble anything like that which it was.

The question might be transformed; can life overcome love gone wrong?

Although it may be of some empty encouragement to those still ailing, so many millions of formerly love-struck people will answer that in the affirmative.

The Power of Love

Love, considered in all its myriad forms, is without doubt an infinitely powerful thing. Deep in the depths of this contorting emotion—the impossibility of recoiling from it—we’re turned from princes and princesses, satisfied in our desires, into villains even against ourselves. We are consumed by it.

When we are at the wrong end of life, love has become a pariah—from one extreme to the other we go.

The Purpose in Love Gone Wrong

This, again, threatens to be empty encouragement to those still ailing. But this is the truth. Life has changed so suddenly, and though we may have experienced it before (or not), the sharp twang of lament smacks us mid-face; we are left groggy and bewildered. There is a purpose and it’s found later on.

Months, though usually years, later the purpose is revealed. What began as our journey on the dark path of rejection concluded as the journey of self-discovery.

Self-discovery is life, and though it is a hairpin turn we wouldn’t take in a fit, our identities most usually catch up with the change. What was forced on us—the rejection in love’s name—drove us away from our core identity. We couldn’t see ourselves in this new light; it took a significant time to adjust.

But as we adjust we get to customise the formula that is given to us—that new set of circumstances. As we pull through the clouds of our despair, more control is derived, and in the light of new experience, we decide from a newly empowered platform.

Then, we see the purpose in this love that has gone wrong. What was perilous and downright unfair is now revealed as the making of us; the new ‘us’.

Then we learn that life is bigger than love. The eternal power of life surmounts the tumultuous momentousness of love. This power values love so much it patiently facilitates growth, respecting love’s power (that went wrong), using it as a springboard for growth and maturity.

The lesson of life over love is that difficulty cannot be avoided; it must be experienced so the dim pitch magnifies the meaning, so nothing good so far as learning is concerned is lost. This is hard but true.

In the moment of pain, try to be patient. Life does come after love.

Life after love prepares us for the next love—one seasoned with meaning amidst growth.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Climbing Above Innuendo

The person intent on upsetting us has no goal for the longer term, besides continuing to annoy, for whatever reason. Why should they achieve their goal on account of us? The reason they annoy is none of our business or concern.

If we find ourselves intimidated—again, for whatever reason; like, the reason doesn’t matter—perhaps it’s more about us than it is about the other person.

It’s a fact that there will always be someone who will volunteer to rub us up the wrong way, or so it will appear to us. Our challenge is to climb above the innuendo.

Utilising the Logical Mind

The logical mind gives us the ability to stand back and reason, and it’s particularly handy when our emotions turn, and we become illogical or unreasonable. When we become emotional we will often feel reasonable when we’re not. Only with the benefit of hindsight, afterwards, do we see our folly.

If we agree to use the logical mind a little more, we can ask God to inform us of the need for it when we become emotional—tempted to react to the innuendo that we sense is coming our way (whether that’s a fact or not, i.e. when it’s our imagination).

Climbing above innuendo using the logical mind is turning whatever innuendo is intended for us, around. For, when we are not offended, the offender’s darts are rendered useless. Indeed, it can increase their anger; the innuendo falling on them.

But that’s not our purpose. Our purpose is to remain focused on what we should be focused on: the good, the peaceable, and the items of mutual respect building relationships.

Accepting Innuendo

It is a meek-spirited person that can live with myriad form of innuendo.

We can all work on becoming more meek-spirited. This type of person is not easily intimidated, whilst they are able to see plenty of evidence of the vexatious-spirited around them. Still, they are not overly bothered; they are not easily offended.

Acceptance is the key. But how do we get there?

A lot of it is about expectations. Certain environments contain more vexations than others. Maybe the meek-spirited person doesn’t focus so much on negative people and negative environments but sees life more in balance; weighing the reality that positive people and environments occur just as readily. They expect balance in life; that not everything about life is positive. When the positive comes they sense it in joy.

So, if we can accept that innuendo is part of our world—that it will come in and try and offend us, especially if it senses we can be offended—we can do a great deal about investing in the use of our logical minds to combat it.

This higher ordered logical mind we use to climb above the innuendo. In gentleness we cannot be offended.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Generosity – Blessed to Be A Blessing

The more we can do without, the simpler our lives, and the less stress we will feel due to threats of overload and temptations at self-sufficiency. It’s pretty simple, really. Generosity is a good choice for everyone.

***

Everyday choices give us a way,

Choosing for kindness—its dawn holds sway,

Actions have about them matters of clout,

Better to give away what we can do without.

One generous act,

A heart bent on glee,

Positive they’ll react,

Blessings for all to be.

***

Just how much better would our world be if there was a generous streak in every living human being? It’s perhaps a moot point. But there are enough of those who care, reading this, to make some practical difference to the world we live in and share. Indeed, it’s already happening to some real extent.

Generosity Meets Real Needs

To read that there are one billion people desperately underfed, in a world where there is ample food resource to go around, we know that the generous action-oriented spirit—as exemplified in Third World mission and aid agencies, and many social justice advocates—is still relatively scarce.

Yet, we know how much we are blessed.

We probably have very much more than we already need. What can we give away that will make our lives simpler, more purpose driven, more relevant, and, more importantly, more loving in the eyes of the needy—and in the eyes of God?

This is nothing about feeling guilty for not doing enough. It’s everything about asking what we can do, and doing it.

It’s interesting to note that poverty experts are saying that it is possible, for the first time in the history of the world, to actually make poverty history, now and in the coming years and decades.

Generosity in General

But generosity doesn’t finish there. It’s not just about giving material possessions and money away. Generosity is the kindness of a heart, sensing in love, all the discernible need in a given situation, and doing something tangible about it.

Generosity is a smile. It’s the method of sacrifice; giving from one to another without thought of return. It’s the little thing done now, not the big thing planned for later on. Generosity cringes at thought of adulation—it wants none of it.

Realistically, generosity is the Christ-call, a spiritual burden on hearts for righteousness to come, and a song of empathy to the marginalised and oppressed.

The virtue of love is known by what is done.

Certainly one of the greatest blessings a pitiable heart can feel is the wash of gladness for all the things it has, as well as bristling sadness for the many millions worse off.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Receiving the Recognition of God

“Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven...” ~Matthew 5:11-12a (NRSV).

Most of us don’t receive the recognition we deserve most of the time. All of us miss it at least occasionally. God, however, has more in mind so far as recognition’s concerned—and we don’t even have to wait until heaven to retrieve it.

The other side of recognition is the sort of treatment Jesus alludes to above.

Many people leave good jobs because there’s scant recognition; how much worse to receive persecution?

But the key to Jesus’ beatitude, here, are the words, “on my account...”

On Jesus’ ‘Account’

Perhaps one way of reframing “on my account” is to think in terms of “on account of the truth.” Of course, there’s the more literal rendering—that we might be reviled and persecuted because we’re actually evangelising in Jesus’ name.

But the frame can easily be broader. Jesus did say, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life” (John 14:6a).

When we advocate the truth—believing in it, and quietly standing up for it—we act on Jesus’ account.

Receiving What’s Really Ours – True Recognition

We’ll not receive all of what we’re due—blessings and judgment—until heaven, that’s for sure. But the truth doesn’t wait until the end of our earthly lives.

For instance, if we have the situational maturity and the humility to see the truth, including our faults and the winsome qualities of others, all in balance—a difficult thing to do—God gives us our own veritable, believable perceptions. These are positive ones that allow self-confidence to flow even from within the negative facts that might threaten to weigh us down.

We redeem the blessedness of God—the sense of Divine recognition beyond any human kudos—when we genuinely reach, and accept, the truth in what we’ve done and how we’ve acted.

This is not really receiving God’s blessings in advance, for we ought to believe that our Lord wants to bless us now and to come. Still, great is our reward in heaven for the good we do; especially when done with little recognition.

***

When we do things on account of the truth, and we see them in balance, and especially when the recognition of people is negligible, we can know reassurance through what God’s saying to us in our own understanding of the matters at hand. We need to believe this is from God.

God is truth.

We receive in truth.

Allow the sense of appropriate recognition to sink in. Take time to enjoy it.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

The Decision to Love

“Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present.” ~M. Scott Peck M.D.

The subject of love is a knife edge. We all have a choice to love emotionally—as the feeling takes us, or the easy way—or volitionally, which is far harder, but is where the real truth of love exists.

Love is essentially about the discipline of commitment.

In a triangle with intimacy and passion, commitment underpins both of these. Where there is commitment, intimacy can be reborn, and with ingenuity passion can be reignited.

The world is a simple world and God is a fairly simple God. We are the ones that complicate it. The truth is the simplicity of commitment can endure every other thing. Commitment and love, therefore, in this discussion, are basically synonymous—one and the same. As love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8), commitment also never fails; not if we remain committed. Commitment only fails when we give up. We’ve all experienced this. (This is nothing about abuse or neglect—for those, the requirements of commitment are made null and void.)

In Marriages, Families, Workplaces, in the Community--Everywhere

When we consider that the ‘romantic’ phase of relationships—a phase not just unique to romantic relationships—lasts a relatively short time, we can see the compelling reasons for commitment. It’s really the only way that relationships last.

The principle of commitment is required in all relationships; not just the marital variety. Commitment is required if our relationships are to succeed. Being that all of life depends on the success of our relationships, this is an important consideration if we wish to be happy.

Further, the resolve of commitment is a love that will take us further than our human reason.

Allowing God to Take Us beyond Our ‘Reason’

(“Reason,” here, is about our human thinking; that which assists us to make decisions.)

Here is a test for each of us. This test takes us to the end of ourselves; the beginning of God.

Often God wants to talk to us here—at the end of our reason. Where reason exists and is satisfied often commitment doesn’t have a chance; we’ve already decided we need to have things our way; we cannot remain in such ‘untenable’ situations. (Again, this is nothing about abuse or neglect—for those, the requirements of commitment are made null and void.)

When we allow God to take us beyond our reason, submitting issues to him in prayer, and seeking the will of God in truth, we will hear how our commitment can be buoyed. We will hear how to get through the next hour, the next day—through the problems that persist just now.

Deciding to love is indeed the secret of a happy life. This is centralised in the idea of commitment. Those who can understand and accept this will have the abundant life.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Resiliency for Change

The older we get the more we realise the importance of resiliency for change—if only change would not impact us so much. But of course it does. It always will. This we best accept.

The quest of wisdom, therefore, is to be able to ride the bumps that come. There’s no bigger impact, literally, in the every day living of life through the lifespan.

Resilience for change is an imperative particularly when we consider the sheer volume of changes occurring at any one time.

Change is dynamic enough.

An underestimated success factor in resiliency for change is surrender; beyond any vital resistance. This is a courageous acceptance to do whatever is wise considering the circumstances.

Life is about knowing when to hold on and when to let go.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

How Do We Love When There’s No Love Coming Back?

Heavy rain stops as abruptly as it started; without as much of the hint of warning. Unloving responses from others, similarly, end without prediction in response to our overtures of love toward them.

This principle only makes sense in hindsight after we’ve seen it work.

We know it should work in theory, and this is what motivates us to work in love toward those who hardly deserve it. That is, those who go against us despite how we interact with them.

There is a more elementary problem. Just how do we love someone when there’s no love coming back?

It’s Nothing to Do with Them

How we treat people is really nothing to do with them as persons.

The first moment that we understand how we treat people is nothing to do with them as persons is the first moment we’re freed to love everyone every time.

The more we understand that people are the way that they are because of thousands of reasons the better we see they’re not really directly at war with us at all. They are just trying to overcome their own problems; many just don’t do not know what, how or why.

No matter how carnal or pathological another person is they are a child of God.

No matter how much they reject the fact of God, or resist love, this fact can’t be changed. It is what it is.

We may still be threatened by this person, or by people like them, but as soon as we look these facts squarely in the eye, the personal nature of the conflict and our history with them dissipates, slightly but significantly.

The very next person, just like us, could receive the same treatment—so it’s not really personal at all. If only we can depersonalise the conflict, we have a better way of understanding their unique position.

Understanding Love Is of Paramount Importance to God

There’s nothing more important to God than love.

Besides the eternal purpose in redeeming humankind, the Father has sent his Son to show the world how to love, and why we love.

God knows how important love is by the fact that love never really fails. In saying this, we need to understand that if the reasons for hating a person or people are dealt with, love is no longer very hard to do at all. We know, intimately, that we need to love them.

If we connect these two ideas—that a person’s dislike of us is nothing personal, and the importance of love to God—we can become compelled to love. It can become so natural, so implicit to our nature, because compassion has become us—a thing only the Holy Spirit can do.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

What’s Age Got to Do with It?

The Apostle Paul to Timothy: “Let no one despise your youth, but set the believers an example in speech and conduct, in love, in faith, in purity." ~1 Timothy 4:12 (NRSV).

Most of us will already know that Timothy was a timid, yet very loyal disciple of Christ under the tutelage of Paul.

He was young and called to lead many older, perhaps more experienced believers. Because he was young and lacked confidence, many of these believers looked down on Timothy; they were dubious about his credibility. In effect, by doing this, they didn’t trust Paul.

Paul knew, however, that if only Timothy would focus on those five character traits above, he would win over the critical mass and eventually establish his credibility. Let us consider these five traits:

Exemplary Speech

Saying the right things at the right time, despite what we feel to the contrary, is the mark of a good leader—to utilise the portents of good self-control.

Exemplary Conduct

Like saying the right things at the right time, doing the right things at the right time is also the mark of a confidently restrained leader.

An Example In Love

How can one love if one is not humble enough to consider the needs of others?

The tightrope Timothy walked was in establishing respect whilst at the same time issuing love to those who did not respect him. Love always wins. When we prioritise love over the respect we’re not getting, then we prove we’re worthy of the respect we wish to claim as our own.

We need to do the very same thing; ignore the fact that respect may not be coming our way. Instead we go on in love; we love with all the power God has put into us. This is quite limitless.

An Example In Faith

Faith really is trust. It is difficult when we’re not trusted and respected to go out in trust and respect. Faith can do this because it looks to no one but a faithful God.

Paul seeks for Timothy to go beyond his fear and reach forward in faith. The challenge remains for us, also, when we too are ‘fighting’ for the respect of our credibility.

An Example In Purity

Purity is the essence of all the foregoing. It is evidence that our speech and conduct, our love and faith are all in-train.

Purity is the essence of holiness, and that, borrowed from God. Purity is example.

Leadership Is Example

Paul has probably hand-picked these five character traits purposely for Timothy.

Perhaps he’s picked Timothy strengths. Ever the encourager, Paul is playing to Timothy’s natural virtue; we know Timothy was a humble young man—too humble at times, certainly verging on timidity (see 2 Timothy 1:7).

So, we can confidently know that proper speech and conduct, as well as exemplary love, faith and purity, were well within Timothy’s developmental grasp.

Leadership has less to do with age and experience and more to do with example, and example is about the knowledge of awareness and the courage to act.

Barring experience that gives us knowledge, age has nothing to do with these things. Most importantly with leadership the key competencies are morally divined; despite his age Timothy, had these in healthy stock.

No matter our age—whether we’re considered too young, too old, too experienced, or not experienced enough—it’s these five character traits we must focus upon in establishing our credibility.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.