Conversational Spiritual Progress

“Bad habits and indifference to spiritual progress do much to remove the guard from the tongue. Devout conversation on spiritual matters, on the contrary, is a great aid to spiritual progress—especially when persons of the same mind and spirit associate together in God.” ~Thomas á Kempis.

In his grand work, The Imitation of Christ, Thomas á Kempis centres on the process of becoming just like Christ; doing the things we need to do, believing the things we need to believe, actively, in order to get there.

The above is talking about gossip—about the predilection we all have to move into conversation, to acquaint with others, to strike rapport; and this for very human need.

God designed us this way: to desire, seek, and find a common fellowship. But there is a trap and this trap is woven from the self-conscious mind, by the thread of mindless chatter.

Where we do not focus on spiritual things—the things that build up, that are godly, and portray us against the flesh—we will fall for the flesh. Our talk will descend and, therefore, arrive in the gutter. We are there before we know it.

A Better Plan – But a Harder One to Implement

Gossipy conversation leads to emptiness; a running away from ourselves, and the discrediting of others as we judge them later in hindsight, for, “How could they say such a thing!”

There is usually either incredulity or self-deceit as we look back on these wayward conversations.

A better plan, but one so rarely implemented, and one so often shunned for lack of interest in piety, is upon every conversation to focus on the pure, the complementary, and the urging, encouraging, and strengthening aspects of life with other people.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that we talk about God all day, though that’s not a bad plan! Certainly part of our day, every day, should be devoted to silence, as is custom in contemplative spirituality—something we learn from devout monks. Only in generous portions of silence will we learn to listen for the Lord.

It’s a horrible state of affairs when we hear of people, especially in a church context, being criticised for being “too” spiritual. Can there be such a thing? If someone is genuinely passionate about their spirituality they will be passionate about others’ spirituality, also. And love will be the winner. Anything falling short of love is not genuine spirituality, but maybe pretence. Nobody is perfect.

Learning to Focus Conversation

Perhaps the biggest challenge is centring on the things we should be talking about and disposing, truthfully in love, talk of the worldly, deriding sense.

What matters are politics, current affairs, religion, and ethics, to us if we don’t have constructive intentions to make a difference? Chatting about them, and voicing our opinions (as if someone cared, for God doesn’t), is vain if we’re not doing something about it. This is taking us away from spiritual progress.

We would be better to focus the time and energy on making a difference. This may not be within our grasp—to make the sort of difference we’d like to. Therefore, we are best simply changing our minds to talk on different, more edifying, things.

Learning to focus our conversations toward matters of spiritual progress is an investment in the fellowship of friendship. It pleases God and, by it, within community, we worship aright.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Trust Is the Answer for Jealousy

At one time or another every couple must delve into their core regarding issues of jealousy, bound in securities sometimes previously untapped.

The single person isn’t immune, either. Their jealousies are camped in distances of awkwardness. So much so there may be no reasonable outlet.

Jealousies affect us all, if that sense of possessiveness is exacted to the point where trust is corroded. This issue is decked in the fact of our insecurity for dim and dark grievances hid, unresolved, in the past.

The Challenge of Reconciliation

The practice of moulding the warped aspects of our pasts into a more usable future is the process of reconciliation—not between us and another, but it’s settling indifferent nuances in our own personalities.

We have our desires, and we have our exposures to the truth; both these, can at times, run at cross purposes to each other. We can love someone and hate how they interact with their world at the same time. Or, they might tantalise us, feeding our desires, yet we never run past first base.

These are not their problems; they are ours.

The challenge of reconciliation is to resolve the root cause of our jealousy before it impacts on trust—with the associated longer term ramifications; those we cannot afford.

Connecting Jealousy with the Erosion of Trust

The truth of the matter is a dividing one.

With each encroaching jealous move we reinforce a lack of trust that may not even be valid, for we have allowed other factors—not simply the virtue of our partner—to cloud our judgment. Again, these are linked, most often, with troubled incidents within our past, some buried so deeply we’ve forgotten them, but they still hinder us.

A very practical challenge—and therefore a key opportunity—in understanding this connection—jealousy and the erosion of trust—is to elicit and extend trust, deliberately.

This may be very difficult for a jealous person to do. But it isn’t impossible. And it says so much for the value of the relationship that, even though there is a risk taken trusting someone, it can only help the relationship if that relationship has, indeed, a future we believe in.

There is no sense in not doing this, because if we’re betrayed as a through the agency of our trust we gave it our best shot. And though we may be hurting, it’s a better sort of hurt than to stand as the destroyer of a relationship because we didn’t act on those irrational impulses of jealousy.

***

Jealousies exist because of buried insecurities, unresolved from the past. The only way forward is to deliberately give trust, and to look for evidence where trust is vindicated. Possessiveness in relationships is caustic. Instead, we must simply trust because the relationship depends on it.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

In It to Win It

MANY ORGANISATIONS spruik “People are our most important asset,” or “Safety is our number one value,” or “We back every commitment we make with a ‘money-back guarantee’.” Big promises deliver little but a sense of disappointment.

False promises come from great (or, perhaps, ill-informed) vision, but there’s no motivating intrinsic mission to achieve it.

Likewise, we make our commitments—in many cases, like these organisations, they become empty promises.

Then the devil sniggers; we get reproached. Guilt and shame overcomes us.

There is a better way.

Getting Real

“In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong.” ~Matthew 5:36-37 (Msg).

Jesus talks about oaths in a way we understand.

Why don’t we make more oaths only to ourselves, and then live up to them, because they’ve become habits and a part of the way we live, before we announce them?

Better still, not to announce them at all, for cycles recur every few years and maintaining our oaths is problematic. Many commitments need to be maintained—to be recommitted.

Getting real is about honouring the truth, through the knowledge of God’s Presence with us. For, why would we lie when we know that the Lord hears everything? Yes, getting real is about understanding that the truth, as far as we communicate, sits on a knife’s edge.

Learning to Speak Less

This will be more of a challenge for extroverts than introverts, but it’s a challenge for every single one of us. No one is immune.

If we are in this life to win the real salvation experience—to know God, and to abide in the Spirit—we ought to prayerfully rein in our raucous promises, overtures of good, achievements, and anything we boast about.

Where, really, is our boast coming from? It is not from the Lord.

Learning to speak less is taking lessons in humility. It’s working out our salvation in fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). It’s about understanding that each action has potential ramifications—they echo into eternity. (Not that God expects us to be perfect!)

The Apostle Paul talks a lot about boasting in Second Corinthians. Paul commends those who would boast to boast only in the Lord (2 Corinthians 10:17).

We need to boast, promise, exaggerate, and dodge the truth less.

There is a vital truth in the fact of speaking less. It means we think more. We weigh our words, the way we say them, and foreseeable consequences. If we are in life to win it—the abundance in salvation—we will commit to this thing.

In the Lord, we will gain control, as far as we mindfully can, over our tongues. And, we will also receive forgiveness for when we get it wrong.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Intoxicated in Your Love

“How beautiful you are, my love, how very beautiful! Your eyes are doves... Your hair is like a flock of goats... Your lips are like a crimson thread, and your mouth is lovely.” ~Song of Solomon 4:1, 3 (NRSV).

She knows who she is. Just like your partner knows who they are. There is something about love that grabs us hastily by the shoulders, holds us fast in the grip of our vision, and captivated by nothing else, blesses us by the most natural and heavenly intoxication.

Love’s beauty has us enthralled by our mate.

The nature of such attraction, embraced in intimacy, bristling with passion, and steadfast in commitment, is the nexus of life.

This, here, is the majesty of being alive in spirit and truth.

The Beauty of All Love

The truth about this concept is romantic love—notwithstanding its venerable power—is by far a relentless underestimation of love’s overall power.

That may be a cruel truth, or an encouraging one, depending on our situation.

Our love for a parent, a son or daughter, or a grandchild, best friend, or pet can reach the halcyon heights of love overall; only the manifestation of passion is likely different. Our love for God, of course, can reach intensely intoxicating levels, too, just without physicality.

A Love for One (To the One I Love)

The devotedness I have for you, my love, may, like the moon encircling the Earth, wax and wane. There may be distractions and barriers and reasons and excuses. But when God snatches my focus back to you, my heart is never gladder, and I’m never more spiritually alive, especially when I can serve you.

I think of the person you have become, as I reflect over photographs of your childhood and early adulthood, and I so wish I could have known you back then; even to have been a fly on the wall just to observe you as a person and in your interactions.

When I call you on the telephone, just to listen to your voice, from a distance I am entranced. The sound of your giggle, like the fragrance of your morning breath, splits my sense of logic and reason. Our chemistry is wondrous. And I love sleeping in your bed. I so want to climb inside you, to even be you; to understand you, truly.

When I see you working around the house, and in the garden, I often just watch. You diligently do the little things, like achievement is not the only thing. And I learn.

You are the shop filled with fine china, and I am your bull. Deft skills are not natural for me, but God gave me you so I would learn.

We have laughed and cried together, very much, and we’ve hurt each other. That is not the end of the story, though, and more laughter and tears are our destiny, by God’s good grace. Each day with you is a miracle.

We’ve packed so much in over our comparatively brief history, which only proves time together is no ultimate gauge of the quality of a relationship.

I am intoxicated in your love, and the level of my inebriation is comprehensive. I’ll never stop loving you.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

The Fruit of the Spirit and Wasted Emotions

Deplorable emotions have the destructive way of disturbing dynamics within us and the rapport we would otherwise enjoy with others. If we eradicate these wasted emotions we will enjoy the fruits of the Spirit.

Correspondingly, the items on the list of wasted emotions are direct opposites of those fruits of the Spirit:

Hate (the opposite of love)

We all have to watch for this twisted and tormented emotion, especially Christians.

This is because Christians, of all people, though they are to love, are most prone to becoming pharisaic (judgmental) in their perception and interpretation of the world around them.

Hate of any variety—from indifference to contempt—is a poison and must be dealt with through prayer by God’s grace.

Sadness (the opposite of joy)

This is not about sorrow, for that’s often a godly emotion.

Joy is full enough an emotion that it can be simultaneously happy from within and also sorrowful; if a Christian has joy they have a grasp on real hope as well as having the capacity to lament the state of brokenness in the world.

Sadness, as opposed to sorrow, is fused in what the self is missing out on. Besides grief—which necessitates, for a time, irreconcilable sadness—it would be better to swap sadness for sorrow. Sorrow is a more pure emotion.

Anxiousness (the opposite of peace)

Worry is a waste of time, but still we will engage in it if we don’t have an abiding peace, based in faith, to rely upon.

Many people have disorders around anxiety. For these there is no luxury for choice; they play the hand they are dealt. We can only hope that they are able to experience more and more peace as the years contend.

For those who experience ordinary levels of anxiety, the alternative is peace. It’s about finding the situation’s need and being content in that.

Impatience (the opposite of long-suffering)

This wasted emotion is perhaps the most fundamental issue behind most sin.

Impatience is always driven by one of the seven deadly sins. We have the opportunity, however, to follow Jesus—who Cyprian of Carthage called Perfect Patience. As a virtue, patience is the start of the true gospel life.

Annoyance and Anger (opposites of gentleness)

Unmet needs go behind the fear manifest in annoyance and anger. These wasted emotions are a veil for a deeper position of want.

Imagine the aggression in annoyance and anger; these are actually pitiful emotions hoarded by scared individuals.

Guilt and Shame (opposites of goodness)

How prevalent are these?

Guilt and shame drive every single one of us; more for some, less for others. Certain cultures promote shame, and others promote guilt; both are of the devil, unless they motivate repentance. After making up with God they should be dropped.

But we do tend to come back to them.

Our challenge is to find a coping mechanism, and the inner feeling of God’s forgiveness, that eradicates guilt and shame.

Envy and Disgust (opposites of faithfulness)

Common emotions are these in any age, particularly this one, when all-the-more people are keeping up the Joneses and the urges toward political correctness have people judging others and forming impressions as disgust.

It’s such a better option to model God’s faithfulness by diverting thought from what we don’t have to what we do have—and to be thankful.

Likewise, disgust selects for vitriolic indifference. Much better it is to value diversity and understanding. If we do, we’re faithful to God.

Self-Pity and Pride (opposites of meekness)

Meekness is not a pushover so much as it’s the quintessence of humble circumspection. It has good account of itself and doesn’t willingly submit to the erosion of self-pity and the folly of pride.

Both pride and self-pity are truly wasted emotions. Best we root these out at the earliest sign.

Helplessness and Powerlessness (opposites of temperance)

The value of prudence (alternatively self-control or temperance) is immeasurable. Along with diligence, these two are the keys to self-mastery under the guise of the Lord’s Wisdom.

Such virtue will protect us from keeping the faith with the wasted emotions of helplessness and powerlessness.

***

Wasted emotions end our sense of wellbeing. Conversely, resisting such feelings awakens joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

7 Key Dangers and Protecting Against Them

Whatever stage we’re at in life there are key concerns around safety; for ourselves, elderly and young family members, family and friends in general; anyone in our sphere of influence. Risks for harm cause inevitable unease.

There are seven common key dangers we can readily prepare for:

1. Safety At Home

Home is our sanctuary. We have a right to be safe there. But, in this day, there are many reasons why we may feel unsafe. Seniors are particularly vulnerable.

While a balance needs to be struck between feeling safe and unsafe, it’s wise to make ourselves visible for the authorities yet as invisible as we can to the dangerous minority.

Knowing our neighbours and having a safe house, with safe practices, is vital. You have a right to protect your ground.

2. Out and About

Circulating within our communities is a great freedom we take for granted.

Doing this safely is about minimising the risks by travelling with others, in daylight when we can, and within known areas. Lighting at night is important; stay in well-lit places. Lock car doors and keep valuables out of sight. And watch for bag snatchers.

Driving poses its own risks.

Many more people are killed or seriously injured on the roads than at home. Drive within your limits, avoid fatigue and alcohol, wear your seatbelt, and avoid heavy traffic and driving in poor weather.

3. Protecting Money

Money is a tool assisting us through life. Not surprisingly it’s the sort of thing that unscrupulous people want to help us with.

Using caution when removing money from banks, getting into habits of closely monitoring the status of our accounts, purses and wallets, and carrying less money around with us, is important.

4. Our Legal World

We can literally sign our lives away in the stroke of a pen.

Resist pressure to sign documents. Pressure to sign generally indicates that motives are not in our best interests. Have a lawyer or solicitor, or legal aid, look over documents before signing. Find out who your local Advocate is and contact them if you are concerned.

5. Risks of Neglect and Abuse

Anyone is susceptible to neglect and abuse, but especially the weak and vulnerable: the especially young; the disabled and impaired; women around stronger, untrustworthy men; and, seniors.

If we have the capacity to manage our lives—and nearly all of us do—there is no reason anyone, including family, should put pressure on us to make any decision.

Likewise, everybody deserves love. Neglect, particularly when family is around, is unconscionable. Neglect is reflected in basic needs remaining unmet.

Abuse and neglect should be reported to authorities.

6. Computer Technology

The advent of the Internet, Internet banking, and the prevalence of hacking and viruses all mean watching our computer security is essential. Using strong passwords, keeping them secret, and using secure connections and anti-virus software are keys.

E-mail is especially problematic. Bogus e-mails are everywhere these days. Whenever e-mails are received, and there is any suggestion of money, tread warily.

Equally, for singles, there are predators using the Internet wanting to strike up relationships. If we’ve never met them, seen them face-to-face, we should commit nothing.

7. Home Security

Design and maintenance are the key words.

Designing our homes to provide for our safety is critical. A visit to the local police station can assist, and there are other authorities who can advise us how to design our security. Design is about the physical design of our homes as well as the design of the support around us.

Maintenance is about good upkeep: trimming trees and shrubs, ensuring all locks work, keeping an inventory of possessions updated and in a safe place, and quickly repairing blown security light globes.

***

Staying safe these days takes thought, planning, and action. For us and our loved ones safety is one of those things we can do something about today, before an incident takes place. Finally, we must trust our instincts.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Acknowledgement for seven-point structure used: Western Australian Police Service, Office of Crime Prevention, Safety Advice for Seniors.

3 Gifts of Spiritual Courage

“... God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline.” ~2 Timothy 1:7 (NRSV).

In this verse, God gives us three things; each is manifest in courage.

Courage, as a virtue, is relevant in three unique facets of life—all evident relationally. These three relational realms exist by our interaction with God, with others, and with ourselves.

The Lord gives us three gifts of spiritual courage; each has a role in helping with each of these three relationship types.

God gives us power for our relationship with him—and elsewhere—when we seek him with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. We get love to defy timidity for our relationships with others. Finally, we’re given a sound mind, or self-discipline, to enhance our relationship with our person—for, the double-minded undisciplined person is cantankerous with themselves, even if that manifests in anger toward God or others, too.

Spiritual Courage through POWER

The first gift in relationships is always power; to sense and take the initiative or respond appropriately, to feel quietly capable, and to have healthy buoyancy about us that is threatened by little so far as rapport is concerned.

Power is wherewithal. It is where everything starts. Every creative process depends on power. Most definitively, in the present context, we need to have been given access to power in order to relate with God.

Revelation is power; the instilling of irrefutable fact; the sense that truth is known, for truth is fundamental power. This power is invisible, and unless certain conditions are present, it’s impossible to claim.

Spiritual courage through power is only accessible through rebirth in Christ.

Spiritual Courage through LOVE

The bequest of love is the portion of courage to get to truly know people because we have no weight of timidity lingering over our conscious awareness. Most will see this as self-confidence, but really it is love, because we’re interested in the other person.

It comes to us through the first gift—power. As we relate with God, in confidence that his grace is sufficient for us, such power brims over, and our overflowing cup ensures capacity for spiritual enthusiasm; power is made real in energy for love toward others.

This comes out as courage; the truth is, however, there is now no longer fear regarding interacting with others. We are compelled from within to engage.

Spiritual Courage through SELF-DISCIPLINE

Perhaps the hardest of all gifts to welcome, and therefore acquire, is the elusive spiritual courage of self-discipline.

This is that ability to identify with Christ—sacrificing all if necessary—in this case for obedient self-development—in such a way that any personal goal is made achievable and sustainable over the longer term.

The transformation of minds, an essential practical issue here, is only really available through God.

Self-help and pop psychology are ultimately forlorn.

Fundamental to all blessings, as we relate with ourselves, is having the spiritual courage of self-discipline. It chooses against worldliness, and for God’s agenda.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Honouring the Legacy of Pain in Grief

Human response to loss is as predictable as it’s sad. We experience grief and probably more than we know. Adjustment in life involves a process of letting go. The goal of adjustment is voluntary acceptance—we do that better, and quicker, when we honour the legacy of pain in our grief.

The stage-theory of grief—that we cycle through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally reach acceptance—describes accurately the stages we go through.

But what it can’t compensate for is the iterative nature of these stages. This is what true grief looks like:

Denial, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance, denial, anger, denial, depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, depression, denial...

... And so on it goes; until, finally, we reach the fuller portion of acceptance.

Reaching Acceptance a Bit at a Time

It’s true we eventually reach acceptance if we adjust healthily. But the stages evolve of their own accord, and acceptance is a temporary destination, with longer visits each successive time.

We’re always tempted to expect we’ve reached acceptance prematurely.

We don’t expect the further issuance of the pain of grief when we have had a taste of acceptance. We want to be fully adjusted, and we try hard to reach there as quickly as we can.

The journey to acceptance cannot be rushed; it cannot be reached without the full process of adjustment; and that, honoured by the accepted memory of the events.

The Purpose of the Pain in Grief

If we acknowledge that four parts of the five-part stage-theory of grief involve relative variations of pain—including denial, with its ironic sense of relief—and if we believe that grief has a good purpose—we can note there is ‘good memory’ to be had in reminiscing over the pain.

Pain must be felt repetitively for it to mean anything. Sometimes God’s only way of getting through to us, to transform us, is through pain.

As we cycle through the stages—learning our own way to adjust to each one, which paradoxically gets us into other stages, and not necessarily acceptance—we develop the character of coping. We learn about ourselves; about what truly pleases and upsets us.

Perhaps the purpose of pain in grief is that it forces us to act; to do anything we can to ameliorate the pain.

Coping is a very individual thing. No one can tell us how to cope, only suggest.

The value of experience can never be understated. But we tend to forget. Honouring the memory of the pain—the special legacy—is what drives growth in resilience.

Growth is steeled in the legacy of our memory of our pain. It is a rich possession.

‘Branding’ the Memory of Pain in the Psyche

As cattle and horses are branded, such that the owner’s mark is cast, the memory of grief’s pain leaves a mark of benevolence over us, once we recover.

Honouring the legacy of pain in grief is never forgetting that pain—and that it is part of the making of us. Sure, the sting is gone, but we honour God’s faithfulness to get us through—all the way to acceptance.

Each day we do this it gets better.

Honouring our pain validates it. It characterises the real ‘us’. And as we move past the sting of our pain, the memory of how we learned to cope glows fondly within. We will say: “We got through; we learned; we recovered.”

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Think, Feel, Therefore Act

Reversing the incoming tide of emotion, that which threatens to swamp us, can seem impossible. When we revert to a good thought, however, we push on, transforming our perspective and, often, out of the quicksand we climb.

Imagine waking to the perspective of drudgery:

***

There’ll be mornings we’ll arise,

Nothing hopeful—darkest skies,

Then there’s thought of cool relief,

That’s the moment that belies belief.

Ever watchful this time we’re not,

Emotions we throw in with our lot,

Darkness, darkness, ever extending,

Until, that is, we think an ending.

Thinking, thinking—need to transform,

So these feelings don’t become the norm,

Then it is we’ll change our act,

This is will the way we must react.

***

Mornings That Belie Belief

Believing persons have an underlying belief system that acknowledges the goodness of God. When circumstances occur, however, that defy such a belief our faith is tested.

Mornings, as a metaphor for renewal—sometimes the worst kind—come occasionally like this. For want of logic we cannot reason why we feel this way, so, therefore, we think. Our negative, hopeless thoughts propel us into feelings that confirm the thoughts. Next thing we’re looking for an escape clause—any reason to get out of this situation.

On such mornings, if we have even a pinch of perspective, we can cut that initial feeling off and think differently about our encroaching situation.

This is an important positive denial. It’s important, though, to understand we cannot continue to deny—we are best to deal with the causes of these issues, entering into prayer about them.

Surrendering to the emotion may, at times, be precisely the thing we need—in this we find rest in God. Otherwise, we push on. Only we can know, individually, with the Holy Spirit’s sponsorship, what course is correct according to the situation.

Perspective Informs Thinking

What we see—our situational perspective—informs our thinking, and thinking, or thought, potentially either empowers or destroys our joy.

Joy, then, is proportionate to the adroitness of our thinking. Sound thinkers approach joy—it’s within their sight and grasp.

Our base perspective never changes; only our perception does.

If we see the whole of our lives in the context of our blessedness (which is our true perspective)—a portion of which everyone has—we put the negative into its proper light.

If we restore our base perspective, our thinking aligns in soundness, and we experience the joy of well-adjusted feelings and, consequently, God’s blessings for the good acts that follow.

Our Thinking Empowers Our Destiny

What we think determines how we feel and what we feel establishes how we often act.

We can think our way out of most problems simply by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and relieving our minds of the dark clouds that surround. We swap that for true (broader) perspective.

It may seem simplistic, for it is. Obedience is always irrevocably simple.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Photograph: Milford Sound, New Zealand.