Why We Are Most Vulnerable When We Feel Safest

Helping professionals like pastors, chaplains, counsellors, and medical professionals are all at heightened risk of sexual impropriety with those they’re helping.

It sure is an education to re-read myself into the possibility of falling into something inappropriate — an affair with a woman whose personality is probably hysterical in nature, who is typecast as the chief protagonist for transference behaviours onto her therapist. It is healthy to see ourselves falling into such a mess with catastrophic relational consequences, where families (plural) are implicated and, at times, destroyed.

What is possible becomes more likely if we don’t recognise the warning signs.

But, first, let’s acknowledge the basic principle here; a dividing line:

“Sexual responsiveness is fundamentally instinctual. The basic attraction to others should not concern us. What we do with the attraction is what is important.”

— Archibald Hart

We are fools if we deny or repress our vulnerabilities. This is why the wounded healer type of minister is favoured because of their inherent knowledge of their own brokenness — without excusing same. A person who makes themself aware, and keeps themself aware, is much likelier to recognise the warning signs, where they become truly most vulnerable.

The truthful person will acknowledge attractiveness in others. The diligently prudent person will guard those feelings and uphold an unerring professionalism, taking good care to communicate with respect as if God were in the room — for he is. The caring person will see the need to protect all parties to a potential inappropriate relational venturing.

The most dangerous situation in a male-female scenario, in the present context, is the prevalence of transference and counter-transference. Transference occurs when the person being helped — the one with least power — projects unmet feelings and desires onto the relationship; feelings and desires that belong somewhere else. It is counter-transference when the person in the power position projects unmet feelings and desires onto the relationship; feelings and desires that belong somewhere else.

The pastor or counsellor, in managing the space in the room, in holding and containing the material of the person they are helping, must hold acute self- and social-awareness. There is a dualist mode of awareness needed; to be with, yet be within. To ‘be with’ is to be fully attendant with the person being helped. To ‘be within’ is to constantly be asking questions regarding our own emotional status, what we are thinking, what’s going on in the space, what is needed next, etc. This dualist mode of awareness is not a hard thing to do once it’s practiced and assimilated into the pastor’s counselling modus operandi. It’s a delight to counsel when we have such an ability.

If this dualist mode of awareness is in use, and there is a high programming for morality, for sure and certain, warning signals will be picked up. Transference and counter-transference will be out in the light in no time.

Then we simply check the issue with tact and promptness and creativity, always intending to protect parties in the room as well as those many others who are not in the room. We are a steward for many persons and relationships; not just those in the room.

***

All sexual affairs begin in a benign way. There is time to stop the rot, but those who run headlong into disaster flirt with it. The apostle Paul reminds us that we are responsible to understand our bodies and control our urges and drives.

We are most vulnerable when we feel safest — where pride breeds ignorance. We are safest when we are cogently aware of the possibility of acting on attractions.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

More information available from the book, Mastering Pastoral Counseling, by Archibald Hart, pp. 150 onwards.

Help Me Know Your Love, Lord

HALF of life over, a wasted half in so many ways, other than all the good wrought (the creation and curation of three fine children, among other things), and the last half beckons.

What has been learnt is this. The first half there was no ardent chasing of God, and yet blessing was encountered in the hidden mode of hell on earth — a ‘blessing’ of a life lived independent from God (which I know now was a fabrication of a blessing). The second half is a polar opposite. It’s chasing God, for the necessity of God, for the necessity of the spiritual life, so a life of blessing can be maintained. I am a dependent person nowadays.

I cannot tell you how different life is, in contrasting the first half with the second half. In the manner of moments, the first half is now still three times as long as the present half. I could only hope to live a further twenty-four year. And still I’ve promised my wife another fifty, plus!

As I traipse this land of physical wonder, I cannot help feel I’m far from home apart from all the love I experience.

I so hunger to know the Lord, and yet I do. In the sweet essences of a woman’s perfume, or in a compelling winter’s breeze, or in the calamity of noises all about me, or in the eternal voice of my wife as she dreams at night. God’s love is all about.

Yet, help me, Father, and be with me continually, Holy Spirit, as I thank you for the Son. As I live this life intrepidly, risking for love, surrendering my needs to you, make me more like him, I ask. And help me know your love when I fall short, which occurs daily.

Even though I live a life of comparative bliss — knowing very really I am unconquerable in Christ — there is still the daily juxtaposition; my sin and his grace.

Oh how I need you, Lord, ever more, and ever more now.

Consider the lament of your servant; I cannot be with you, yet. Nor do I wish to be. Such a confused state I’m in. And still you understand.

How can it be, that on a day off, a day to be with you, a day to enjoy another’s wisdom, that I can also feel a foretaste of having made it. Thank you for the hope of heaven, Lord.

***

Lord, help me know your love,

Blessings replete of your sweet Presence,

Within me in my essence,

Whether I’m here or with you above. AMEN.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

Social Media Ethics, Spam, and Being Christian

SPAMMING behaviour is a thing we all encounter using social media, and at least it’s only annoying, not like the internet violence that hackers perpetrate. But spamming is about as uncool as it gets, especially when we consider that it’s unwanted and the violation of ethical boundaries. Nobody wants their time and other resources wasted. And when spamming behaviour comes between friends it can truly put the friendship on notice. Who we have encountered is not who we thought they were.

Recently something occurred to me that left me feeling betrayed. I was asked three weeks beforehand if I’d do a ‘guest post’ on a blog that I knew of. I had written pieces for this person previously. I had no problem sending this person a link to a prayer I wrote some time ago. I thought nothing more of it.

Then I discovered that this person had sent the ‘guest post’ link to many on my Facebook friends list, which is spamming behaviour, unethical, deplorable, and even embarrassing to me — as it potentially brings my character into question when I have nothing to do with it. And to think that the motive to get dozens to post a link on such a special and significant and sad day as Mother’s Day was especially problematic for some.

The ‘guest post’ was written appropriately, according to the right copyright conventions, and even the message that was sent to all these people I know read okay. But people were getting not personal communication. They were being asked to do something, which breeds undue and unwarranted pressure.

It’s not how we are to use social media. We are not supposed to engineer work-arounds to get more traffic to our websites, even if under the guise, “this could help someone.” We are not supposed to use people.

Indeed, this is one of the reasons social media works in the main. The bigger companies like Google, YouTube, etc, have smart people working on how to make the front-end of their business — what we use and see — as ethical and fair for all as possible. We are all benefactors. But when we seek to bend the rules to suit ourselves we end up upsetting people.

***

When it comes to our use of social media — especially those of us who use it to pedal something — we need to ensure we are doing good by people.

Nobody appreciates being spammed, and it is much, much worse when it happens between, or involves, friends.

As Christians we have a supreme ethical marker to attain to. And though we all make mistakes — and often unintentionally — we do well to think of the impact of our behaviour on others before we say or do anything.

***

Spam is unwanted and unwelcome material, and worse when it requires a decision of us. Spamming techniques like using private messaging as ‘mail merge’ are not a reflection of good character.

Spam is not the sort of thing that represents Christian witness of loving others.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

Holding the Line of Obedience When Under Spiritual Attack

SPIRITUAL warfare is a covert operation that sets itself in the battle of the everyday, and it comes dressed in myriad form of camouflage. It comes disguised as a challenge, in the banal, as something seen as sinister, and even sometimes as criticism from unsuspecting persons. Whenever we are tempted to give up we should ask ourselves the cursory question, “Could this be an attack?” If we answer that question as a possibility for the affirmative, we should be prepared to invest some time going deeper into the whys and wherefores before we entertain quitting.

The devil wants to destroy every good thing being brought into being in the Kingdom of God. Satan wants to steal every acquisition and gift of virtue. The accuser would kill every good idea, every worthy project, and every faithful servant, if only he could. But, of course, he can’t. He doesn’t have anywhere near that power. We are the only ones that have that power in our own sphere. Evil can only work through despondency, discouragement, disempowerment, and dissolution. The devil’s work is always brought into actuality by others; he cannot actualise evil work himself. He must use cunning by fooling others into being his agents. And the worst agency is to do the devil’s work under the guise of doing Kingdom work.

As we face the attack now before us, our aim has to be to hold the line; the obedient line. As we hold the line of obedience — being in step with, and in the lap of, God’s will — we will be untouchable. The devil cannot interrupt us and his agents cannot influence us. A vital part of holding the line is knowing what the line is and where it is; so is the knowledge of the shape and angle of the attack — the tests that are common to our Christian humanity.

***

If we are doing anything good in the Kingdom of God we can expect to be attacked by the evil one.

But we must understand that Satan uses people and situations as a guise for his work.

The obedience of a servant of God is all that’s required to defeat evil. It’s as simple as that. But sometimes obedience takes a great deal of discernment in navigating the path.

The ultimate wisdom in enduring spiritual attack is to simply obey God.

The key to holding the line when under spiritual attack is to do God’s will.

Satan would endeavour to steal, destroy and kill,

But he can do nothing when we continue to do God’s will.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

God’s Spiritual Ministry to a Lonely Soul From Anger

YOU know the sort of day I’m referring to; one where there is an itch within you that just cannot be scratched adequately or accurately enough.

Such a place of the spirit creates a frustrated sense of anger within us because it seems irreconcilable. There is generally good reason for such frustration. Something has riled us, whether we know what it is or not.

The best remedy for anger is honesty. And to enter into such a journey to unearth the fractious truth in the landscape of the soul is to play with the notion that loneliness is truly the main concern.

Loneliness is the soul’s greatest nemesis. This is because the soul is defenceless against attack, and, when it’s attacked, the only response possible is loneliness. This is seen as the protective layers of a person’s ego — in this case, in their frustrated anger — are stripped away.

If we entertain that the anger correlates with indiscernible loneliness in the soul we can see two things: 1) that a relational or situational disconnect has taken place creating cognitive dissonance* which in turn creates such an attitudinal response of anger that impacts behaviour, and 2) that the soul has been sold out to the relational or situational disconnect, and is impacted, creating loneliness — an estrangement of the person with themselves.

If we accept this we have linked the injured soul with the situation of anger. The anger has caused the soul to be injured, yet the situation creating cognitive dissonance has caused the anger. This is all vital in understanding how to reconcile the anger before it really does harm. We must attend to the injured soul.

Only honesty can restore a soul divided by two opposing truths.

The restoration of a soul is to bring wholeness in the presence of division.

***

God’s Spiritual ministry is necessary in healing the injured soul and restoring it.

In the presence of honesty — that a situation has taken place that hurt — the soul is restored, because it is heard. This is why counselling often helps. The truth has been heard. A person’s justice has been executed. They are vindicated, at least of reasonable response to anger.

God’s Spiritual ministry to a lonely soul affected by anger is predicated on a seedbed of honesty. When we can be honest about what happened and we can justify the attitudinal shift that leads to negative behaviour then the soul may finally rest; it has been heard.

***

Anger can be attributed to a frustrating situation that literally estranges a person’s soul from justice, leading to a form of soul loneliness.

The biggest tragedy on a human level is our soul’s separation from our truth. God is always set on resolving such a dichotomy.

For a soul to be restored and healed the soul must be heard.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

*Cognitive dissonance is a mind divided and a heart wrestling in response.

Blessed Vulnerability, Arrogance’s Curse

MANY TIMES in life we are made vulnerable; humbled by the circumstances life would subject us to. Particular to spiritual vulnerability is the phenomenon that sees our souls exposed. It might be as simple as embarrassment. Although it could be something that lends us to a dangerous circumstance of heart or mind.

Recently I tripped over several steps in full view of at least five peers. It was one of those awkward moments, like falling off a bicycle, when you want to get up and say, “I’m fine!” even though you’ve got blood running down your arm or leg.

For an instant in time, even as I was falling, I was so embarrassed I was tempted to blow anyone off who would show their care for me. I’m glad I had the simple composure to laugh and make light of a pretty funny thing to see.

Thirty seconds later, I was already absorbed in another conversation. All the potential embarrassment was dealt with in seconds. Being safely vulnerable cost me almost nothing — just some timely humility instead of anger or denial — and it benefited the other people who witnessed my slip, in that they didn’t need to protect my dignity by having pretended they didn’t see it.

Safe vulnerability converts into realness in the sight of reality. There is no greater freedom than our abiding in truth. To act vulnerably is to act courageously. But to act arrogantly is to act fearfully.

Vulnerability curses arrogance, in that it calls arrogance what it is: cowardice. Safe vulnerability, on the other hand, delights in the truth that needs no protecting.

Cowardice is not fitting in the Kingdom of God, and where we find it, we are to root it out by rebuking it — without berating ourselves.

***

It takes the spiritual strength of humility to be vulnerable. It is, therefore, not a weakness to be vulnerable. But to be arrogant is a calamity of weakness. Being safely vulnerable gives others licence, in themselves, to be vulnerable. It takes courage to be safely vulnerable.

Only the person who is safe within their self is strong enough to be vulnerable.

Safely vulnerable persons make the best leaders, teachers, police officers, nurses, pastors, mothers and fathers.

Blessed is the presence of safe vulnerability in a person, but the arrogant are cursed in their prideful weakness.

Blessed are the safely vulnerable persons, for they are the best people to enjoy relationship with.

Blessed are the safely vulnerable persons; their courage inspires others to courage.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

Coming Out of the Closet of Depression

TEARS streamed down her face, and her chin quivered uncontrollably, as she gave way to the truth that had troubled her, for she was an elderly lady who had lost her husband. Grief had bestowed her being. And her loss was compounded by feelings of being most vulnerable to a couple of violent teenagers who lived next door. She needed the kindness of a heartfelt prayer, and, as a pastor I know who was with her began to pray, this precious older lady melted into his arms.

All her seemingly strident strength was gone, but something marvellous happened; she feel into the arms of Jesus.

She responded to the care of a stranger whose compassion to care was simply waiting on the opportunity. She received the comfort and mercy she needed; she was met with acceptance. She had come out of the closet of her depression.

Sure, some counsellors and psychologists wouldn’t say that grief and depression are the same. Yet, she felt ashamed for feeling sad, selfish for feeling lonely, and like a whinger for ‘complaining’ when she was still wrestling with her loss 12-months past. She didn’t want to be a ‘nuisance’ in anyone’s life, least of all her family’s.

She had kept a dark secret. It was a secret that would do her no good. It was a secret that could even hurt her family. She needed love, help, support and safety.

***

Depression is insidious and won’t allow us to break out of the dungeons of our own hiding. It insists we keep the mask on. It tells us “Nobody will understand.”

People do understand. Nobody it seems is disconnected from either their own depression or a family member’s or a friend’s. People do understand in this day.

There is no benefit in hiding, when to break free and be honest could highlight the way to help.

The way to unmask the helplessness of depression is to unmask it by seeking help.

***

Nurture compassion with eyes focused on another’s heart. God will give you warmth beyond words.

***

If I were you,

And you were me,

I’d love you true,

Because into you I’d see.

But you are you,

And I am me,

So tell me true,

How you’d like to be free.

***

Prayer:

Give Courage, O Lord

Father in Heaven,

Spirit over the Earth,

Son of our Salvation,

Heal.

Provide, Lord, the impetus for courage.

Actualise help out of depression — the faith to step — make this real.

Give entry to surrender the pain.

Help relieve the pain that is all too real.

Help make this pain that is endured be heard, felt and shared by another.

Make it happen that the burden shared is halved.

Give way, O Lord, to an industrious and sensitive working of Your Spirit.

Bring life when life all seems gone; bring healing when all that is seen is pain.

Help us understand, what we don’t understand.

Bring a sense for peace in this situation that can come only from You.

Revive the depressed by Your Word of comfort and by Your Spirit of hope.

By the Lord Jesus Christ,

My Saviour, My Rock, My Redeemer,

I pray.

AMEN.

The ‘God, Change Me’ Prayer

SOULISH faith from a contemplative sphere gets us back to God.

Prayer that changes us to a person — that deconstructs the daily life of our person’s otherwise thriving metropolis — keep us in the running for ‘City of the Year’ awards.

Such an award is nothing contrived — it’s honesty before God as if we stood there before him on the last of our days. ‘City of the Year’ awards (a.k.a. “Well done, good and faithful servant.”) are only available for genuine entrants, who enter on time and play by the competition’s rules, for the Judge’s decision is final, and no correspondence will be entered into. Such an award there are infinite awards for. But awards are only given if they’re deserved.

The global fact of one human being — a plethora of living cells and the cacophony of ‘being’ decisions every moment — is impossible to reconcile in intrapersonal terms. But the point is our interest is there; our motive is to honour God, alone; when we enter ourselves at the soul level.

If we would change our world, we would have God change us first…

Surely that beam obscuring our own view of reality stands as the cosmic impediment against any progress external to our person. Surely the fields are white (leukos: light, bright, white) and ripe for the picking. Surely now, as God changes us today, we are white and ripe for the picking. Being white has nothing to do with skin colour or any partiality of discord (though Satan wants us stumbling over that one), but it has everything to do with readiness.

Readiness is watchfulness when we have allowed the Holy Spirit to prepare us. For, the soul must be prepared, and our soul can be re-prepared each day.

The ‘God, Change Me’ prayer is the prayer of preparation; the invitation of his anointing over a calling we responded to, but have been disobedient many times in the answering. We are forgiven so now we may respond, afresh.

The ‘God, Change Me’ prayer is a prayer of repentance, yet it is also a prayer for reconciliation, and a prayer for the realisation of the Kingdom within us.

***

The ‘God, Change Me’ Prayer — A Model

Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

Giver of the Holy Spirit,

Creator God,

I acknowledge only You can change me.

I admit there is a need deep within me for You to do what You do.

And I seek for that need within me to be sated in You, through You, by You.

Restore the city of my soul.

Only You can see the work that needs to occur.

Help me see the scale of disrepair in my soul; curate me at my soul.

Dig as You do, Lord, graciously, sensitively, adroitly.

Toss the deeper soil with the tired surface soil and aerate my being.

Recondition me in the sinews of my being; in the hidden fissures; in the dark places.

Ready me, again, for Your work.

Make me the diligent exponent of Your mercy and Your justice.

By grace, rebuild the materials within my walls, and make me even without walls.

By the Lord Jesus Christ,

My Saviour, My Rock, My Redeemer,

I pray.

AMEN.