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TRIBEWORK is about consuming the process of life, the journey, together.

Monday, January 11, 2016

How Grief and Death Bring Life and Sustained Happiness

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way that I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked.”
 Oliver Burkeman, The Antidote.
When nothing can be taken away, then we have nothing to lose, and when we have nothing to lose there is then no impediment to joy.
Loss teaches us this.  Once we have lost something significant or someone significant, the rest of our lives change.  We live in this kind of coarse reality knowing that death comes any time it chooses.  Yet that which should freak us out or make us morbid actually inspires us to use our time to the best of our opportunity and imagination.
Truly, I become alive after I died.  Such a gospel principle — the resurrection of a dead and entombed Saviour — who rose on that Third Day — who defeated death and brought life to an impossibility — Jesus shows us how we live post-resurrection.
But we can only live a life raised in joy if we have first died and been buried to bondage.
The day my life transformed, my life transformed every successive day.  The journey into the wasteland of loss was not the forlorn waste of time and reality of hopelessness it seemed.  It turned out to be the greatest blessing.
Faith indicates what should have killed us but didn’t only made us more apt for the fight.
Only since I was broken in loss over twelve years ago now was I exposed to the greatest secret my life could ever have known.  Having that old life torched meant I would never any longer care about my life as far as what I could lose was concerned.
That moment I lost it all, everything of value came immediately into my grasp.  At the same time as my flesh burned wretchedly with grief, the spirit within my soul flew with newborn wings of such capacity I had no need of looking back.  And I no longer needed the fearful dependencies I’d nurtured in that old life.  Yet I was still ever the same person.
***
Grief is a death; the end of a relationship, a dream, a reality intrinsically valued.
The fact that we can experience the death of hope, and find the happiness of contentment in that, is saliently remarkable.
But it only works if we genuinely let go — we must lose our lives to save them.
So the key lesson of loss is it gets us to approach what death is like, and, provided we bear the pain as best we can, at the time, such a death proves a blessing, not a curse.
Grief is an opportunity; invest in the reality of its pain, and it teaches us invaluable lessons about true strength and joy.
Grief teaches us we really have nothing to lose.  What seems a curse is actually the greatest blessing.
© 2016 Steve Wickham.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

The Reason Your Life Will Have Been Worth the Bother

MILLIONS of young people secretly worry that their lives will actually have been worth the bother of living them, and much the same could also be said for a significant portion of the older population.
What will be the reason your life was worth the bother?  What will set your life apart as having been worth the effort?
For young people the notion of legacy proves confusing; they have no idea what will prove to be worth the effort of living a full life — full of pain and grief (reality) amidst the fleeting joys (reality) and manufactured excitement of a life (denial).  They have no idea because they have no vision, and they have no vision because they haven’t arrived at children yet.
There is no purpose in legacy until we have children, or we have dependents in some fashion of understanding.  As soon as we realise we’re going to die one day, and that these younger persons we brought to earth will survive us, we begin to think in terms that we must make this life work — for them!
It’s suddenly no longer about us; that our abuse of life and the planet matters.
Suddenly significance abounds and it subsumes our previously pathetic little vision of life.
The apostle John mentioned that he had no greater joy than seeing his children walk in the truth (3 John 4).  And this is part of the conundrum of life; suddenly, as we work out that what our children do or don’t do matters, we begin to think in glowing terms or in terms that sees our joy recede that show the bald spots of regret.
Our lives will have been worth the bother if our children carry the lantern.
What lantern?  The lantern of life.
It doesn’t matter if we haven’t carried that lantern particularly well, but therein lies the trouble.  Our children inevitably follow something of our example.  If we’ve lived unwisely, they’ll be carrying a burned out lantern like we did.  If we’ve made them live a tough life, they’ll be carrying a resentfully harshly lit lantern.  If we’ve been too permissive, they’ll have hardly bothered to turn their lantern on.  But if the lantern we’ve attempted to carry was a light for others, they’ll inevitably choose to carry that same light.  The paradox here is our children see a loving sacrifice in a favourable light only if we were wise enough to consider them — i.e. we loved them before we loved others.
***
The lantern of life is the legacy of meaning and of being we realise we’ve carried all our lives.  It’s a cruel blow to us if we find those coming after us don’t, won’t or can’t carry it.  This lantern is always for the next generation.
Our message for the coming generation is this: get out of yourselves and get into life, the plight of others, and the meaning of life itself: God.
This is the reason your life will have been worth the bother of doing it at all.
And if parents know these lessons well, how much better do grandparents?

© 2016 Steve Wickham.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

A Reminder to ‘Man Up’ to the Standard of Respect

I have a message for people who behave like Chris Gayle did in a moment of foolishness — who would prefer to look cool rather than cater to another person’s dignity.
You think you’re a man, but you’re only a boy, for boys haven’t yet learned that if there’s any person who deserves respect it’s the one who was born to be respected: she is a woman, typically the godliest of creatures. Let me qualify those last four words: most women who are crass have learned that if you can’t beat (the men) you join them.  Most women would much prefer just being real. Most women just want men to be real, and not hide behind a false egoistic bravado.  (It goes without saying that men deserve a man’s respect, too.)
Isn’t it so unfortunately ironic that the phrase ‘man up’ comes as a macho call to do what men apparently do — to ‘toughen up, princess.’  The great pity is, that in ‘manning up’ and ‘toughening up’ — when it’s done at the expense of others — a scandalous insult against the real term of manning up is set forth.
Isn’t it funny how fathers of daughters insist on them being respected.  Yet some of those same men flay other women’s dignity, usually in ‘jest’.  It makes absolutely no sense.
Let’s look at real inward respect.
***
Respect is a true meeting of minds and a combining of hearts. Even in disagreement respect shows love is bigger than our difference.
What I’m saying is this.
It’s easy to get upset when others’ views are different to ours. But love is very cool when it makes us desire to win people’s hearts; their respect. That can only be done when we commit to respecting them without any condition we’d place on the relationship. Then we start to have an attitude of serving them. And this is hardly being a doormat. We have chosen to serve. We have decided to give. We have opted to love.
Respect leaves arrogance and a range of other superiority complexes for dead. It has risen above the childish desire to win at another’s expense, which is actually a neediness which suggests real weakness.
Respect comes from a heart converted to the community’s beneficence. It comes from a mind that thinks in terms of goodness. Respect is a fighter who refuses to fight but for another’s cause, and yet it fights a good fight and earns esteem even with its enemies.
Respect is cogent in the powerful, for nothing is more despicable than power in the wrong hands. Respect starts from within, and everything it touches is blessed.
Respect cannot harm nor be harmed. It’s as safe as can be. And it’s inspiring because it always bears a heart for others that lets others be themselves.
And it’s to this respect that men are called to; to be pillars.
***
Men have a God-designated-and-anointed role to be exemplars of respect.  Especially when it comes to women — all women — mothers (women older than them), sisters (women in the same age bracket), daughters (younger women), and especially wives (a man’s soulmate). 

© 2016 Steve Wickham.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

My Christian Leader’s Top 40

AFTER I drafted these points below I asked myself, “Does the Church really need another ‘leadership’ article?”  Whilst my answer was in the negative, I thought it was still worthwhile to hone and publish these points for clarity in my own thinking.  Perhaps they’re beneficial for your thinking, too?
First, my ‘qualifications’ as a leader from which this list is gleaned.  Mainly experience in the secular workforce, professionally.  But I did get my first ‘diploma’ in team leadership nearly twenty years ago.  I’ve most often been required to provide leadership rather than be the assigned leader.  And the style of my leadership has most often been as facilitator of groups or mentor to individuals.  As an advisor, the power I’ve had to utilise has been personal and information, to achieve results through others because of influence, rather than through actual positional power.
Perhaps you’ll read the following list and determine for yourself my ‘qualifications’ based on how you feel about what I’ve written.
So, here goes.  Here is my Top 40 list of traits of good Christian leaders.
They:
1.     Reward innovation – a competent leader knows they need good minds.  They reward thinking that innovates.  There’s no such thing as ‘leave your brain at the gate’ for a good Christian leader.  Of course, roles boundaries help with context.
2.     Punish nothing – why suppress love?  In leadership, tough love can easily morph into abuse.  The punitive motive does not seek for the best in the one who’s led.  Let a consequence be its own punishment.  Punish no further.  Permeate the relational dynamic with grace.  At times a lesson needs to be learned, but no ‘interest’ ought to be added.
3.     Embrace heart – passion is pivotal in the Kingdom of God.  As a leader, I want to embrace people’s passion, believing it’s Holy Spirit inspired.
4.     Talk holiness – akin to Deuteronomy 6:4-9, it’s the leader’s responsibility to talk up the Word and will of God, and the Lord’s revelation at works in our lives.
5.     Use process – I prefer the Ian Macdonald Systems Leadership process for team leadership and team membership, which I was introduced to in 1993.  Such a process values the roles of all players in the team.  Good leaders appreciate the importance of fair, efficient and effective process, which is above all well communicated.
6.     Teach enjoyment – passion comes from joy, and leaders understand that connection.  Joy is intrinsically motivating and a leader typifying joy exudes what most want as a trait of their being.
7.     Listen intently – the best leaders are humble enough to listen in a way that the one who talks with them feels they’re the only ones present in that space at that time.
8.     Nurture authenticity – it can be hard work being ourselves.  Some need permission.  Others just find it plain hard.  Others, again, do it well; encourage them within the group.  Authenticity will then be unlocked because people won’t be afraid of being vulnerable because it’s valued.
9.     Exemplify encouragement – the good leader is an encourager.  They model what they value that everyone should do.  These types of leaders don’t believe encouragement is an exclusive gift given to some; encouragement is seen as a fruit of the Spirit in terms of kindness.
10. Value history – a good leader understands they stand on the shoulders of others before them.  They understand nothing is foundationless, and they give credit where it’s due.
11. Take responsibility – a good leader understands the value of taking the blame for things that go wrong.  They know it’s the system of leadership that needs fixing, not people.  This creates a sense of safety and wellbeing in people.
12. Regularly debrief – many things and events are honoured and helped by simply taking stock.  A good leader plays a capable counsellor when required.  This pastoral concern shows people where their leader’s heart is at.
13. Make time – time is space and space made means people feel valued, respected, and safe.  This is a radical concept in our age.  But its wisdom is eternal.
14. Communicate clearly – the good leader knows that communication is more than what is said; it’s what’s not said, as well as what’s communicated intrapersonally through what work of reflection done — often days and weeks after a crucial conversation took place.  Communication is not just a once-it-happened event.  Meaning changes all the time.
15. Are conventionally radical – the good leader makes what adds value, but looks radical, something of convention.  Love is radical, yet love is not extremism; it’s of such value what’s radical becomes conventional.  We might call it innovation.
16. Are carefully accountable – a good leader doesn’t use accountability to club people over the head.  They themselves exemplify a measured and proactive careful accountability, so when they exercise it, it’s genuine, appreciated, and value-adding.
17. Embody advocacy – a good leader respects that what appears to be a small thing to others is a big thing to another person.  They advocate gently though firmly for the individual with a lone voice.
18. Retain perspective – little things given outweighing power can render projects inefficient and ineffective.  The leader leads by asking “How important is this?” with the implied answer, “Not very.”
19. Manage crises – leaders of stature manage crises as cognitive challenges, not as emotional battles.  Good leaders are realistic, but in a crisis they become situationally optimistic to lead others through the turmoil.
20. Clarify roles – a good leader gives everyone a distinct role; and, as much as possible, each role is equally pivotal in comparison with others’ roles.  People appreciate being of value to the purpose of the whole.
21. Trust results – a good leader knows that sound input equals valuable output which equals transformational outcomes.  They know good results will come.
22. Are positively appreciative – a good leader uses appreciative enquiry (AI).  They recognise more is gained in focusing on strength than weakness.
23. Are ever gentle – in an oft violent world, a good leader is a paragon of safety, assurance, and peace.  With a good leader everyone is safe.
24. Endure failure – the good leader doesn’t make much of failure other than where the system failed.  Good leaders accept and appreciate that human factors of failure are inevitable.
25. Celebrate humbly – success is a sign of synergy.  A good leader uses success to remind the team of T.E.A.M. (Treat Each Actual Member).
26. Lift underdogs – in keeping with John 3:30, a good leader shows where love abounds: in lifting underdogs from the ground.
27. Are steadily faithful – a good leader is emotionally adult.  They’re emotionally reliable and stable, and are worthy of the trust that’s placed in them.
28. Enable diversity – good leaders appreciate difference, acknowledging sameness of thought and ideal as a limiting sign.  Adversity is embraced in a diverse culture, and disagreement is fostered and wrestled with.  A good leader encourages disagreement in order that it might be discussed maturely.
29. Relinquish control – a good leader is not a bad manager.  They understand the corrosive nature of a leader’s positional power.  They’d much prefer to use personal power to endear themselves to others and information power to empower others.
30. Have loving resolve – a leader never gives up when that’s easily the expectation.  At the end of a good leader is the second-wind dependence on God, who inspires and innovates through them once more by his Spirit.
31. Enjoy moments – a good leader is alive spiritually, and they maximise awareness of the moment.
32. Are the blessed – the blessed of the Beatitudes.  The biblical leader understands the power in the Kingdom reversal — that things that seem against us are for us when we continue via faith.
33. Shelve ambition – progress and achievement are about team and Kingdom, and ultimately God.  The good leader doesn’t get the cart before the horse.  They achieve their personal goals through the noble works of working with and for others.
34. Are happy dying – the good leader is happy either dying to themselves, or in the actual practice of dying itself.  They live within the tensions of the truth of Philippians 1:23-24.
35. Shun fame – too much notoriety is not good for anyone.  The good leader withdraws from popularity as much as they can.  And they recognise their own envy at others’ success, and they resist that, too.
36. Love family – what sort of witness are we to the veracity of the Kingdom if our families are in a shambles?  Yet, the good leader is happy to learn from their errors.  But family is one area they’re keen to do right — as much as possible.  Family comes first, always.
37. Rest well – good leaders take care to get their rest and so not be a burden on others — so far as it depends on them — due to their weariness.  But an exhausted leader also brings glory to God when they deal gracefully in their weakness.
38. Value compassion – having had their heart awakened, a good leader won’t fail in the area of compassion.  They sense they need time to replenish when their compassion is fatigued.  They see compassion as the gauge of their godliness.
39. Are self-aware – a great skill of momentary reflection that good leaders personify.  Their self-awareness causes them to repent, and often.
40. Desire God – no greater esteem has a leader got to give than their esteem of God who leads them ever by his Spirit.  Worship of God is their number one love.

© 2016 Steve Wickham.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

God, You Have Counted and Kept All My Tears


“You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your record?”
Psalm 56:8 (NRSV)
We may wonder what is truly of personal value in the eternal realm. We ought to wonder if what we value in this life lines up with what God values in the next life. And if we are given to many tears, we may ask, legitimately so, what may become of them; what legacy is there for our anguish?
How might there be reward for suffering? Our faith holds us steadier when we imagine God crowning us in glory with rewards of abundance so glorious we cannot fathom them either here or there.
We may wonder, as God saves up our ‘tears in a bottle’ what that receptacle might look like. Is it like a parent keeping a collage of a child’s artwork on the refrigerator door, before they carefully scrapbook it for a prosperity? Or perhaps God is collecting these tears, all our notes of resignation, and all our meek overtures of submission of spirit, so his Spirit would have its way. Tears have about them something beyond the denial of anger. Tears represent a soul crushed by their circumstance; where truth broke past anger.
Maybe each tear, and each resonance of distress, has its own DNA, and together God is making a grand potion for our eternal healing. Could it be that God has written this scroll containing all our deeds and misdeeds, all our ecstasies and pains, and is saving it for that day when we make our approach and enter the gates of Zion?
THE PURPOSE OF SUCH A HOPE
God is a thoroughly good God.
For this reason, needing no other reason, we have faith in a Blessed Hope: Jesus. Our Lord, Saviour and King is making for us our eternal home, even if that destination is eternal and unchangeable — where time has become eternally irrelevant. Having such a hope gratifies our nature toward the living of life here and now. It’s not far away. Indeed, it may be a moment away.
With such a hope we have reason to endure the hardships, trials, sorrows, and persecutions; we can endure them with a curious and regal ardour. Curiosity for meaning in heaven — given that God is a good God and won’t have us suffer needlessly.
Such a hope will never disappoint us, though some would laugh at us for such a hope. But these people would not laugh if they saw what hope does; what it truly does. It is the elixir for life. Hope propels us forward in an inextricable joy. Many who are honest will envy that joy, and God is preparing the question on their heart: “Please explain the hope and joy in you… even in your suffering… it makes no sense to me… but it seems real, and really inspiring.”
Every grating pain, every silent tear, and every groaning whimper; God has a record of every one of these notations of faithfulness that caused us to bear up whilst not giving up.
When we believe in the hope beyond the hardships we endure, we have meaning and purpose for life even in grief. Even when life can seem so sadistically cruel we have faith sufficient to keep going, and that’s nothing short of inspiring. Such faith can never be wrong. God is with us.
© 2013, 2016 Steve Wickham.