How do I make life work (for those who care)

In this life, we either care or we do not care, and that’s all that matters.  Our life’s legacy is in how we answered the question, “Do I care or do I not care”?

No matter how much we argue about it, some things about life will never change.  We cannot change this, just as we cannot change other people.  But we can change ourselves.

This article is for those:

·      who are converted already, 

·      who care but need a little help, and 

·      who do not care, to implore them to action.

FOR THE CONVERTED:

You are already won to the wisdom of caring about life, about others, and about your own self-care.  You are an emotionally intelligent person, a gift to those you serve and all those who know you.  You already understand the need to reconcile with people on an ongoing basis.  You already understand the importance and need of apology in owning your own contributions to conflict in maintaining good relationships.

You have discovered how to make life work.

I want to encourage you not to become despondent about the people who don’t care.  Just because you care doesn’t mean you’ve got control over whether others care or not. 

It is a vast, unparalleled wisdom that accepts 
we can’t change or even influence others.

Accept this, and you have truly grown in the wisdom.

You have the answer to the meaning of life.
Celebrate this by exercising gratitude 
for this that you know and live.

FOR THOSE WHO CARE BUT NEED HELP:

In the vein of the above, I imagine you are in relationships where there are perilous struggles, because you are dealing with people who you cannot reason with, who are entitled, have no empathy, or exploit people and situations, or otherwise, who don’t seem to care.

The first thing I’m going to suggest is, it is good to take stock that YOU care enough to want to relate with people positively.  That’s the most important half of living a life that works.  The other half is about accepting we cannot change people. 

There are people you are in conflict 
with who may never change.

But that’s not the end of the story.  There is space for peace, even in these relationships, and we can do more in lowering our expectations about others we cannot impact.  

One thing we can always do is allow people 
to experience the consequences of their actions.

It is good to love all people with the truth.
Indeed, engaging with people truthfully IS love.

FOR THOSE WHO DON’T CARE:

I don’t for one moment pretend that there are people who don’t care who will read this.  Notwithstanding, I am compelled with all that’s in me to appeal to the person who does not care.  

I can tell you that, if you do not care in life, nothing in life will serve you, even if you think life itself exists for you, and you alone.  Please read that again and reflect on it.  

Even the capacity for reflection is something that will benefit you, and you alone, and of course those you are in relationship with as well.  This may not motivate you much, or any at all, and it may even demotivate you, that you might do something that might be of benefit to somebody else.

Allow me to make a prediction for you.  If you continue not to care, life will not serve you, and indeed life and people and situations will all conspire against you.  You will not win.  I’m trying my best to motivate you with the truth.  I’m appealing to your sense of entitlement; entitlement to get what you think you deserve, which is a good life.  Care for others for a selfish motive (for all I care) and you will find that life will tend to work out better for you that way.  

Just genuinely test this for three months and see how it works, and you’ll find it does work, because it is a wisdom of life.  You might even find others reciprocating, and you may find that you will prosper from their genuine care.  You may even experience true love, and I’m not talking about the romantic kind, here.  Love is much, much more than the intimate and erotic kinds.

Let me finish with this:

True love is about giving 
to another because we want to.  

There is nothing more important 
in life than doing this.  

Indeed, it is what life is all about.  

Nothing else matters like the love of caring.

That very first AA meeting 20 years ago

24-hours after I first learned my first marriage was possibly ending (a month later it was gone), I was at my first AA meeting.  It was September 23, 2003.  This time 20 years ago as I track back in my diary, I had no idea the twist my life was about to take.

That first AA meeting was at the end of a day of firsts.  Moving out of my family home and into my mother and father’s house, I’ll never forget hooking the trailer up and putting a few little things in it and driving off, a fair bit confused, trying to be stoic, and more than a little overwhelmed by it all. 

I really did not have a clue what the next few days, weeks, and months would require of me—no idea at all.  Definitely a case of ignorance is bliss. 

Parking and walking through the doors of St Teresa’s Hall in Coolbellup was not daunting because my ex-wife had already summonsed my heart to attention—I was ready to quit the drink.  So ready, years ready.

I remember meeting Graham, an older, wiser, sensible gentleman with much rectitude.  He ushered me over to some little books and I bought one on the spot for $5.  I was introduced to the guy who was running the meeting that night, talked for a bit, then sat down with the other 40 or so people there and then the meeting started.

My mind flittered between being focused on what this was all about and wondering what on earth my life had become—in 24-hours.  The previous night, having received the blunt direction that I was required to move out, I drove aimlessly around for nearly three hours blubbering tears of sheer blindsiding shock and numb grief.  

I didn’t sleep much that night and sleep in that season was a premium.  In fact, the lack of sleep meant my mental health spiralled acutely and the thread of deeper grief caused many nights of cataclysmic anguish.

That first night I was asked if I wanted to share.  I’d heard a number of people share before I was asked.  It seemed that you had the floor for 5-10 minutes so I opened up about my past 24-hours.  I talked about how I’d planned to give up drinking for months.  I was going to do it ‘my way’ but when my marriage seemed to be ending, push came to shove.  I was at the meeting because I had no choice.  I had to act now.  Everyone listened intently.  

There’s no judgement at AA meetings, and there’s also little sympathy, the encouragement is to simply be honest.  I was ready to be honest and, in following others’ lead, I took responsibility for what my life had become.  Little did I know it at the time, but my taking responsibility was going to be a pivotal link to the freedom that lay before me over the days, weeks, months, and years to come.

Driving home from that meeting at around 9:15pm that night there was a mix of relief that I’d achieved something with a mix of a dawning reality of what lay before me.

20-years ago now, I reflect on a time that seems a long time ago but that also seems a close memory.  I want to go back to that version of myself and pat my former self on the back for the work I was only just then embarking on.  

I would need to be strong in my weakness, 
and as it happened, I was.

There are perhaps moments like this in all our lives.  It’s good to go back in our minds and reflect on what endured and what has made us who we are today.

50 reasons to be grateful in the past 7 days

I’ve engaged in listing 100 reasons to be grateful before—a few times in fact.  This time I’m going to do half.  I will prove 50 reasons can easily be done, and I’m going to prove 50 reasons for gratitude can be gleaned out of reflecting over just one week.

I’m going to list these in terms of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: 

PHYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS

1.             I am thankful that I had a warm, dry, clean bed in each of the four motels I slept in this week.

2.             For the clean water, and in many cases, bottled water, that I enjoyed and that kept my body hydrated and healthy.

3.             For the hot showers I had and the hot meals I was given whilst I was away from home.

4.             Although my days were often 14-16 hours long, with travel and interactions and covering my business-as-usual, I did get an hour of downtime a day and six hours sleep most nights.

5.             I am most thankful for the rest I’m getting now after a very full last six days.

6.             I am thankful that I know I need to rest to sustain my energies, that I won’t allow myself to burn out.

7.             For the amount and quality of the food I consumed, I am thankful that I got enough to eat but didn’t consume too much.

8.             For the loveliest steak I think I’ve tasted in a while (at the Iron Clad Hotel in Marble Bar), I appreciate this experience.

9.             That my body, as far as I’m aware, was sustained healthily this past week.

10.          For the warmth in the milder north, I am thankful.

SAFETY NEEDS

11.          I am thankful that in my week of travels, my family have been kept safe.

12.          I am indeed grateful that during these travels of 2,000 road kilometres and 3,000 kilometres by air that apart from one flat tyre it was incident free.

13.          For the safety and welfare my job intends to provide others, I am thankful.

14.          I am thankful for the life training that has been given to me to risk assess and keep myself safe.

15.          For the times I did take a risk, I am thankful that there was no incident.

16.          For the amount of corners and bends we and I negotiated safely on the roads.

17.          That our tyres and suspension and steering and brakes keep us safe.

18.          For the applied knowledge of the safety I know in the situations this week.

19.          That none of our party experienced food poisoning, snake or spider bite.

20.          That within my family, nobody died or were seriously ill this past seven days.

BELONGING & LOVE NEEDS

21.          I am thankful for the fact that my family missed me and I missed them.

22.          For the love and laughter I enjoyed on the road with three colleagues, and for the bonds of mateship forged!

23.          For the many conversations that were had in the nights meeting brigades, groups and units, for the character of fire and emergency services people.

24.          I am thankful for new friendships and connections.

25.          I am grateful for serendipitous meetings, one of which in the past seven days could only have been orchestrated by God.

26.          For being inspired by several volunteer leaders who wear more than one hat, in particular to meet and get to know an incredible 34-year-old nurse who often juggles 3-4 roles and who always thinks of others.

27.          For the young lives who are touched by Cadet programs.

28.          I am thankful for a work colleague who I can watch and admire for his skill and heart.

29.          I am grateful I get the honour of supporting four wonderful people in my work context.

30.          I am thankful to be home.

ESTEEM NEEDS

31.          I am thankful that I have made it to the end of a big week.

32.          I am thankful for the faith I showed in stepping out each challenging step this week.

33.          For the people who helped me achieve what I did, and for those who trusted me to help, I am grateful.

34.          I am satisfied for the feelings of accomplishment I have enjoyed this week.

35.          For the work set before me, to preach a message at church on wisdom, I am thankful.

36.          For the validation I received from others and for the validation I was able to give others, I am thankful.

37.          That I don’t need to be perfect in my world to be accepted brings me delight.

38.          That more than a few times this past week I marvelled at others’ accomplishments, including meeting and working with a two-times World’s Toughest Firefighter!

39.          I am positively amazed that neither did I lose or break anything nor did I forget anything of significance this past week.

40.          I am super thankful that I was “enough” this week, and for two individuals in particular, perhaps I was “more than enough”.

SELF-ACTUALISATION

41.          I am thankful that in the past seven days, even though many moments were challenging, I am actually living my best life in the role best for me.

42.          As I got news that I would be going to the School event “A-Z of Growing Up” with my son, I realised what a privilege it will be to attend, and how wonderful it has been to go through the transition to adulthood with my fourth child.

43.          I am grateful that the last seven days is a capstone of the last seven years.  It took seven years to reach this point.  I’m glad I kept going!

44.          That in talking to one of my daughters, I realise I am free within my relationships with my children, that we offer this freedom freely to one another.

45.          That I have borne witness this week to three people in my family who have reached levels of self-actualisation who I am very proud of.

46.          In looking over at my wife, I realise I have all I need in a life partner.

47.          In reflecting over the presentations I have made over the past week, I really believe in the message I’m giving because I’m actually living it.

48.          In one situation this past week, I have been able to help someone reach a level of self-actualisation in their life.

49.          The text messages I received this week (and often receive) from my eldest daughter affirmed me in ways that I never dared imagine.

50.          Perhaps most important, I realised this week that I do not need to achieve any more in life to be fulfilled.  My life is full already.

~

Gratitude is amazing.  It connects us with a minefield of positivity that isn’t fake in any sense.  As empathy is the link to the deeper life, gratitude is the bridge to resilience.  When we are able to be grateful despite our circumstances, we are the epitome of a resilient person.