5 Reasons Husbands Feel Vulnerable in Marriage

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make are holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor...” ~Ephesians 5:25-27a (NRSV).

The model for marriage that the Apostle Paul sets out for Christians (Ephesians 5:21-33) fits with marriage universally. Here we acknowledge God constructed, instituted, and blesses marriage by the Divine code set out in sections of the Bible like these.

Yet, there might hardly be a more dividing subject so far as the home is concerned. This is because we polarise between the roles, responsibilities, and needs of men and women in marriage. Too easily we find marriage requirements put in the ‘too hard’ basket. We are, after all, speaking about an illustration—Christ the husband, and the wife as the church.

Any husband who seriously contemplates such a tall order—to be compared with consummate Perfection—will without doubt begin to hesitate over his capability, and even suitability, for the role. It’s clearly not God’s will for the husband to feel hopeless against the Christian ideal of marriage. Still, many have.

There is a flipside to the requirements of the husband; whilst his model is Christ—unreservedly and unapologetically so—there is a need for reassurance.

Five reasons husbands feel vulnerable in marriage—according to the biblical standard—are:

1. Many Husbands Struggle to Love Their Wives

The reasons for this are many, notwithstanding the common one: he may not even love himself (Ephesians 5:28-29). Many, many men struggle deeply with identity issues and a cover for this is either of/or both extremes: chauvinism or timidity. In other words, he’s either a bully or a weak pushover. Any self-assured woman would not want either.

Men cannot love their wives, their children, their extended family, or anybody else for that matter until they accept themselves.

The wife has an important part to play in supporting her husband’s self-image to that end, so that not only would he be capable of loving her, but he would also be capable of loving every human being. Without doubt the husband has the same responsibility; let’s not forget his standard is already loftier than all other standards.

Even the most well-adjusted husband will, at times, struggle with self-acceptance and, therefore, self-love. He will, during such times, consequently, struggle in his ability to love his wife.

2. Husbands, Like Wives, Struggle to Sacrifice

Perhaps the modern pleasure-zone has exacerbated this problem.

The Scripture tells us the husband is supposed to serve his wife, by sacrificing his needs for hers. And yet, the wife is to submit (Ephesians 5:22). Modern convenience has made it hard for them both, but not impossible.

Our flesh is the biggest problem—self-centredness has no gender exclusivity.

But as the husband considers, with earnestness, that he is to give himself up for his wife, he knows he can do it most of the time, or even some of time. Equally, and this is a sad truth, he knows he can’t do it all the time. He feels vulnerable, perhaps, because he is back at ‘square one’ too often. (And, many men, as with many women, struggle with illogical perfectionism problems.)

3. Making his Wife ‘Holy’ Can Seem an Impossible Task

Giving “himself up for her” necessarily leads to “making her holy.”

With that condition in mind, and surmising that wives no doubt have similar—if not the same—human issues and limitations to deal with as husbands do, we can understand the husband feeling vulnerable about his capacity to achieve the mandate.

Not that he shirks the issue. The Christian husband knows, most certainly, he’s under the covering of grace at all times. Only the devil makes us feel condemned. Still, that happens; occasionally we feel condemned.

4. Leading the family Properly Can Seem an Impossible Task

As leader of his family, nurturing their spiritual growth can seem a huge task, particularly considering the challenges of the teen years. Nothing makes a man or woman feel more humbled, and at times hopeless, than parenting does.

Yet, one of the most important roles for any husband, with its direct impact on his wife, is how consistently well he nurtures the children and the entire family. Men love their wives by appropriately loving their children.

A husband cannot, foreseeably, reach his goal as husband without achieving this. He knows it deep in his heart, and yet he feels vulnerable; perhaps even (often enough) a failure.

5. Developing his Wife’s Full Potential is a Loaded Role

Giving control to anyone for the results of another person is a loaded role, though we need to be careful; the husband is just supporting his wife, enabling or empowering her to become everything she needs to be.

Justifiably, if the husband looks back on 10 or 20 years of marriage and sees little evidence that she’s made her self-desired progress on her journey, he will no doubt—even for a moment—consider that he is failing. That would make anybody feel vulnerable.

***

In this day and age we truly need to be careful. Whilst the cards were stacked against women and wives 20-60 years ago, the trend has—in some ways—possibly been equalised too far. (Yet, there are still important landings for women that haven’t been reached, like equal pay.)

For instance, the stereotypical Homer Simpson image of husband has devalued the vital role husbands’ play. When we continually throw mixed messages at either husband or wife—and in the husband’s case it’s ‘macho’ one-minute, ‘timid’ the next—we can be sure feelings of ongoing uncertainty will be valid and this will not make for good, capable, loving husbands.

So, what am I saying to wives here?

Value your husband, appreciating the steepness in God’s standard of him of care toward you and the family. This is neither pitying him, nor criticising him for not reaching the standard. Instead, it’s encouraging him to be everything—with Divine grace—that God has destined him to be.

Good husbands will fail, but the important issue is, are they trying? Mistakes are learning opportunities; all that God expects—for husbands and wives—is that we will be avid learners, centrally in marriage, all through our lives.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Listening To People’s Heart Stories

A STOIC SMILE and a hearty grimace; these were the only hints in the barista’s demeanour that life’s a struggle just now. No matter how brave we get we need love to smoothen our battered shores. All it took was fleeting mutual eye contact to say, “I hear you.”

Relationships and character growth are what really matter. Everything else, in comparison, bears little resemblance to matters of significance.

A moment’s trifling sadness can be amended as soon as we gather the poise to look someone in the eye who is doing it tougher than we are. And, if it’s required we can sit there with them and listen in to their heart cry, for some heart cries have the depths of the abyss about them.

Listening is the kindness and portion of God; even better when it comes nonverbally.

Hearts can be read without words; eyes can be seen and believed; quivering chins are confirmation; these are vouchsafed in the sweeping majesty of gloomy tears.

Heart stories are not told, just felt. They’re communicated through look and touch. Listening to people’s heart stories is simply the patience and majesty of honouring them with our full presence.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Last Day, Then Eternity

DEATH IS EVER MYSTERIOUS. A proof of God is simply that dying confounds every human hope for immortality; because of this and because God loves us, there must be a heaven behind this worldly existence. Christians believe it by faith in Jesus.

In the following poem we imagine a 60-plus man who believes Jesus is his Saviour. His last day has arrived, not that he knows it; or his family, friends or colleagues. He has prepared for it but he does not expect it... he is about to make a supremely beautiful transition.

***

As he kissed his grandkids’ heads that day,

Not one murmur could his joyous heart say,

Today—the day—was to be his last,

Just like 20,000 before it in his past.

As he went about life that final time,

Nothing within him expected heaven’s climb,

For he was about to enter the rest,

That for which we’re considered our best.

That last day—truly coming-of-age,

Freedom at last—release from life’s cage,

It’s a bone of contention that we all resist,

But his last day compelled hell to desist.

The final transition—pain to bliss,

Life eternal is now hardly amiss,

Entering those gates—nothing compares!

Those left behind their mind now bears.

***

It would be difficult to write about this sort of subject if death was the finality of human life. But, for Jesus-believers it’s really the gateway to eternal bliss; to being in the lap of God’s Presence, finally, for all time (even though eternity is timeless).

Yet, no matter how brilliant heaven will be for us, we cannot even begin to comprehend it. Though, we can take God at his word.

The gentleman in question, as he kissed his grandchildren goodbye on their way to school that day, had no idea what lay imminently forward. None of us do. Our death lurks, but God is faithful.

The best assurance for those left behind is the thought of glory—finally, their loved one is home. And there he (or she) will wait. What a hope the family has in rejoining him!

***

God has wired within us all the yearning for life; for abundance; for joy. Only death finalises that hope. Yet, our loving Creator would never have designed us to want to live forever if there was no life beyond this world. We have heaven to look forward to, yes we do! This life is not all there is. Is heaven what you hope for? And, do you know Jesus?

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Love’s the Only Persuader

“A person convinced against their will, is of their own opinion still.” The variations of this quote are many, as are the attributions to whose it is (Benjamin Franklin, Samuel Johnson, or Sir Walter Raleigh).

Front-of-mind knowledge of the above truth can save us a lot of heartache.

Still, we will go through our lives destined to try and convince people of truths we hold dear, only to have them rejected, point blank. Notwithstanding the hurt and frustration we experience because of this, we should now know how it feels to be ‘persuaded’ against the flow of our will. None of us like it.

There are only two situations, generally, where persuasion will work within the realm of possible sustainability.

1. When We Are in a Position of Authority

Although it is not a perfect situation by any means, being in a position of authority or control—with the comprehensive sanction of those controlling the entire nest—helps so far as persuasion is concerned, provided we have the confidence and ability to assert ourselves.

We will be in a position to institute discipline, or tough love, where it’s needed. Such persuasion necessarily enlists fairness, for no one bows to tough love easily when there’s rampant injustice.

Given that most of us don’t have such power or authority, the only sustainable option of persuasion open to us is through a softer loving influence than tough love.

2. The ‘Love Never Fails’ Approach

Why would we want to convince someone against their will when there’s no love in it? Just because they don’t believe our truth doesn’t mean they are wrong. They have a different standpoint; a different logos, pathos, and ethos.

In other words, we typically believe what we know (logos), what ideas we like or are attracted to (pathos), and, the ideas held by the people we like (ethos).

So much for the truth; we are actually handcuffed to nuances of the truth just as much as they are.

In such situations—where neither we nor they adhere always to the truth—there’s only one universal method of common respect. That is that we love people, as unconditionally as possible, such that they might become convinced of ‘the truth’ (whatever it is) themselves. In that is faith.

***

Love really is the only persuader that has any chance of working. Whether it’s the agency is tough love, or the more facilitative softer love—influence is a tricky art.

The mode of love in persuasion is charismatically patient. It doesn’t beat its head against the brick wall; instead it gently accepts what it cannot change. Longer term it’s the most powerful source of influence because it respects the other person fully.

Given the fact that people will believe us more if they like us gives us the strongest clue—love’s the only way.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Tonics for the Underappreciated

I WONDER IF there have been any studies undertaken into the apparent (or not) correlation between burnout and depression, and feeling underappreciated.

Certainly, to feel appreciated is important to everyone, but it’s more important for particular people, perhaps, for example, with an ‘achievement’ gene woven into their psychological DNA. Frustration for the purpose-driven is to get nowhere; to sense there is no feedback for the effort expended.

For the achiever, appreciation is easy: simply note what they have achieved and the meaning in that achievement.

The Love Languages in Appreciation

Many people want to be appreciated for just who they are. They don’t need to have achieved anything to have the inbuilt expectation: the need to be praised. For some this is approval; for others it is acceptance. Whatever it is, it’s valid.

Some like to help and therefore draw their need to be appreciated from their intent, or their philanthropic effort—it’s not an achievement base, but positive feedback for the love that when into the effort, that saved someone time, effort, money, or ingenuity.

There is a band of humanity that loves to give as good as they get, notionally in the tangibility of gifts. Something that goes as a keepsake is also something shown off, or reflected over. This is where appreciation finds physical form.

A hug or some physical contact is all some require, or some affirmation of physical presence. Again, there is the reward, for some, that time will be invested—‘You appreciate me when you spend time with me’ is the sentiment, here.

Finding Appreciation

Just how do we find appreciation when we need it? It doesn’t just appear from thin air, at times. Indeed, appreciation comes mostly in thick chunks, but with many lean times between.

If appreciation is important to us, the good news is our faith is bound to grow stronger if we’ll let it. Like opportunities at patience, growth periods come from practice. As we endure dry times of little or no feedback, our faith directs us to focus on the approval, appreciation, and acceptance of God, in Christ Jesus our Lord. This is an eternal reality.

As we venture in dry faith, we correspondingly become more patient. Then, during times of wealth-of-appreciation we don’t let it get to our heads. Instead, we remind ourselves of the human propensity to flatter.

Sometimes the best way to find appreciation is to creatively appreciate somebody else.

***

The irony of appreciation is, as we actively seek it out it wafts into the ether, as if it was never there, and as we forget even the need for it, there it is!

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Finishing Important Conversations

A FATHER ONCE initiated an important conversation with his daughter. It didn’t involve any of the major life issues—like who or when to marry or not marry—but it was a talk he planned to have with her at some opportune point...

He started the chat; then it was interrupted—due to no fault of his or hers.

The sad thing was neither he nor the daughter remembered to finish it. Later, the situation highlighted by the subject of conversation actually occurred. The daughter didn’t have the benefit of knowing that she had her father’s blessing until after he died; when the will was read. That knowledge could have changed things. It might have made things easier.

***

There are clearly times when we don’t finish the conversations we ought to. The circumstances change, we or they have to rush off, or the inspiration that flew from the moment returns later on. It’s important that conversations are finished; that desirable outcomes are reached.

The Bond of Brevity

Many people insist—and even the law requires—that agreements be written. But, whether we like it or not, our word is still most often the strength of our bond.

Real people speak in real ways, and when trust enters the equation what was said will certainly be believed.

And even though it is the human trait to doubt what we’ve heard, the logical mind will still hold on to what it heard despite feelings to the contrary.

What needs to be said may only need to be said once, with total sincerity. This is the best way to finish a conversation, recapping the important points; those we want retained historically—the most memorable.

An important reflection

If we are spiritual there’s probably a place for reflection in our lives.

A good prompt for reflection is this question: Have I continued/finished my important conversations?

An equally important question is: Have I given the people close to me enough room to continue/finish their conversations with me?

The sad truth is memory problems, lack of opportunity, fear, complacency and many other reasons get in the way of us finishing important threads of thought with people.

It’s not like we plan to leave things as they are; yet, so many times they remain that way.

***

Back to our father and daughter scenario:

Neither of them remembered to complete the discussion the father had initiated. This was a pity, for if the daughter had known what her father’s thoughts were it would have helped her with a particular life situation that she had now confronted.

Things said or left undone despoil life. The great gift of reflection is that we contemplate what’s been said or left undone and we can amend it—while we have the opportunity. Better to do it now, as it mindfully presents, than leave it to later.

***

There are some that may read this and, with regret, rue a missed opportunity. At this, we must forgive ourselves—there are no perfect relationships or lives without mistake. Let us, instead, use this as learning to propel us to do what we can do, now, today.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Getting Past Enduring Remorse

“For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death.” ~2 Corinthians 7:10 (NRSV).

Will Smith’s depiction of a torn-by-the-ghosts-of-past philanthropist of biological means in Seven Pounds (2008) highlights the fathoms of emotion, and the mental strength behind them, that remorse produces.

It is the common truth: remorse tempts and takes us all. It’s something good.

We will all experience remorse—which is a more worthy emotion than regret, for it wrangles with contrition toward atonement—and God has a purpose for it.

God’s Purpose for Remorse

Most people, who will be uninitiated, will be surprised to learn that God’s purpose for remorse is highly temporary.

The essential process of emotion in remorse is that of grief. Once grief is established, remorse has accomplished its duty—though it’s bound to recur. And grief truly is a process: it has a starting point, some touchstones in between, and it ends. Acceptance is reached.

God’s purpose in remorse is that grief would take its course, and that through it important concepts are learned, and perhaps relearned. Remorse merely initiates, and motivates, the process of grief.

But sometimes this process is stunted and the godly path of grieving is thwarted.

When ‘Worldly Grief’ Has Gripped Us

When regret and remorse diverge from the right path, careening from the spiritual mode of grieving, a complex series of damaging emotive states and arrangements is set up. These, if untended, can become destructive pathologies.

Perhaps we can only be reached at a place of worldly grief in proportion to the visitation of the rational mind. Logic and reason are the mental/emotional states we must appeal to. It’s no good trying to knock sense into the nonsensical mind—we must simply endure it.

But sensible times do come; even to those buried in their pathologies of grief-pitied remorse.

Everything is Forgivable

The catchall behind remorse is all sins are forgivable. There is no conditionality in this. God forgives all sin built in the bricks of later remorse, and all sinners are already forgiven. Still, acceptance of the fact is a process.

The difference is we must feel this forgiveness for it to become real to us.

The process through forgiveness is resplendent in grief: to deny for a time; to express anger; to plead and bargain; to enter the depths of depression; and, to finally find our way through to acceptance. Then there is salvation: the redemption of God.

How hard is it to describe the essential elements through forgiveness? It is impossible, perhaps, because it’s a miracle of God; one procured through a journey of grieving.

We will know forgiveness when the sting of regret and remorse is diminished to the state of healed reflection; this through the appropriation of grieving—a God-designed and God-anointed process.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Love When the Air’s Toxic

Everyone rues the day they encounter the person who presses all the wrong buttons, particularly the “off” button. Grace has been saved for this situation, yet even grace wants to quickly depart.

Love is easy when we encounter those like us. Those that bamboozle our sense of what’s right and fair, however, leave us momentarily confused for an answer; even to a point that finds us embarrassed. It’s so much worse if this one is close by—a boss, a parent (or child), or a spouse!

Loving people can seem impossible when the air’s found toxic.

First, Understanding

Standing back from difficult situations always helps. That’s not always easy, though, when we’re right in the middle of madness.

Understanding helps, nevertheless, when we see three dimensions at separate glances. We need a mindset which is able to depict them, us, and the situation as able to be optimised independent of the others.

Understanding them, and where they come from, will surely help. We don’t have to agree with their methods to be able to appreciate why those methods have been devised and why they are used.

Understanding ourselves is sometimes too close to home. What is this lack of tolerance really saying about us? How comparably exasperating is this person to others? How do others find them more tolerable?

Finally, there’s the situation we find ourselves in. Events trigger emotions without thought or recognition; suddenly, we find ourselves in a flurry of negativity. What is it about these events that we find troublesome; what about them can we predict?

Next, Strategise

Seeing from the abovementioned separable viewpoints will help us strategise.

We need an approach for each discrete angle of view—one for the other person, one for ourselves, and then one for the situation.

If our boss has needs of us, yet their way of motivating us is a turnoff, it can help if we detach ourselves and see through his or her eyes, taking note also of the situation. Running ourselves through certain interactions and situations will help us mount strategies.

Family members pose unique challenges. You can choose your friends, even your workplace... we know where this is heading. With no slight on any family member, in our right minds we know, generally speaking, they are not the only ‘problem’.

Finally, When All Else Fails Learn to Laugh

There is an abundance of situations in life that press our buttons.

Responses of confusion, anger, reticence, or downright avoidance are indicators of mismanaged interactions and they are opportunities to rise to new or existing challenges.

Our feelings and thoughts are golden clues. We are in control more than we think. Problems can be seen as opportunities.

We underestimate the power of humour, and of taking space. We have three angles of humour to enjoy: them and their nature; us and our nature; and, finally, the situational complexities. All of these are somewhat laughable in the right light.

(Beyond humour we perhaps need to engineer change—this involves courage and stamina.)

How might we look back on these situations now and laugh in five years time?

Love’s made possible in difficult situations as we take a step back in our hearts, draw a deep metaphorical breath, and armed with renewed understanding we see what we usually can’t.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

The Love of Compassion

There is a divisive line that weaves its malignant way through the lives of us all—it’s responsible for all manner of misery in the right-minded. One type of person in us makes for this misery; all others suffer. With great irony those least compassionate souls have, themselves, been subjected to sparingly little compassion.

***

Those dead to compassion have missed out on their justice. Some aeons ago, those they relied on failed them because those they relied upon had, themselves, been failed. So, the long circuitous phenomenon of the generational curse struck again!

[Lovelessness is a deep chasm that can be broken only with fresh lashings of unreasonable compassion.]

***

What need is there of God (to these) when God (in their eyes) has failed them?

What justification is there, likewise, of compassion for others when there is no compassion set aside for them?

***

But here is the catch:

Compassion is the nexus of victory in the human striving for freedom. If only the non-compassionate would understand this and they could access this wonderful unremitting love of God, copiously.

Dug down, deep and under, this deeper magic is either obviously visible or completely unintelligible—depending on whether our worldview is etched in compassion or not.

The compassionate soul cannot help but see true justice and injustice at work. The non-compassionate soul, on the other hand, sees askew; their bearing for justice has not been calibrated correctly. Justice and compassion go hand in hand.

We cannot appreciate true justice if we cannot appreciate compassion.

***

Compassion is the Lord in the sweeping flow of life. It meanders gently though fervently; an undercurrent through the whole of life.

It divines need from want; soul-poverty from self-righteousness. It runs in the direction that’s straight, true, and right. It takes pity on the humble and laughs with subdued derision at the proud complainant. Like the Word of God, compassion is living and active (Hebrews 4:12). It cannot be duped but is always cordial in its treatment.

***

Compassion melts at the sight of evil; never because of fear, but due the lack of love, and the presence of selfishness, deceit, and self-pity on show. Conversely, it bears its soft side when at home in the lap of love—where notations of self-sacrifice are clearly evident.

Like humility, compassion’s other-focused and other-directed.

***

Could there be a godlier portion of virtue than compassion? Merciful and kind, enriched with clement grace, ever-understanding, and adorned with a patient humility, compassion is always pleasant and in season. It is God’s gift to the virtuous.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

4 Lessons on Life and Love from Bees

“... the world is really one big bee yard, and the same rules work fine in both places: don’t be afraid, as no life-loving bee wants to sting you. Still, don’t be an idiot; wear long sleeves and long pants. Don’t swat. Don’t even think about swatting. If you feel angry, whistle. Anger agitates, while whistling melts a bee’s temper. Act like you know what you’re doing, even if you don’t. Above all, send the bees love. Every little thing wants to be loved.” ~August Boatwright, played by Queen Latifah, to Lily Owens, played by Dakota Fanning in The Secret Life of Bees (2008).

Motion pictures have their precious nuggets of wisdom. These four salient gems—from the screenplay written and directed by Gina Prince-Bythewood—have meaning worth pondering:

1. Don’t Be Afraid – Be Morally Courageous

There are many things we may be afraid of that prove us irrational.

Yet, life in this world values courage most of all. When we understand that few people (or things) are out to get us it’s easier to approach life with renewed confidence. Furthermore, when our courage reaches the innate fairness of the pinnacles of morality, acclaim-without-effort is ours.

Life without unreasonable fear finds us at harmony with ordinary existence. Besides, it’s easier for everyone to get along, generally, than not to.

2. Don’t Be an Idiot – Nurture Wisdom

Doing things the sensible, reasonable, and logical way makes sense. But we’ve all had moments of idiocy. It would be foolish for the beekeeper to not wear protective equipment.

Likewise, wisdom suggests that we take the time to do things in the proper order; this way we not only do things properly, more or less, but we respect our relationships as well.

3. Don’t Swat – Manage Anger; More so, Be Patient

We come back to harmony, here. Bees obviously appreciate the presence of harmony. The general flow of life appreciates patience, the utterance of grace, but anger is tormenting for everyone concerned, even for the propagator.

Learning to patiently “whistle,” as a replacement for anger, is like counting to ten when we’re getting exasperated. It just allows our higher minds to control otherwise regrettable emotive actions. Better to melt our tempers than to let them flair.

Isn’t it better to humbly believe in ourselves, even if inside we’re terrified, than to panic? Patience imbues courage.

4. Send Everything Love

Oh, the elixir of life: love.

If we send everything love, we have such better chances of finding the same thing returned to us, perhaps with interest or a surprise in the way reactions are manifested.

“Every little thing wants to be loved”; we are all little things—every created being—not just bees, but veritable behemoths (Job 40:15-24) also. What is big in comparison to God?

***

Courage, wisdom, patience, and love: these four can empower pleasure for life like few others. These virtues are kindly generous as they are grand. Who would think we could discover these from beekeeping?

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.