Healing for the One Overwhelmed By Excessive Grief

CORINTHIANS 2, chapter 2 and verses 5–11, holds open before us the matter of a sinner being excessively punished — to the point of perhaps being overwhelmed by undue grief. This article is not about a generic grief that seems excessive. It’s about a grief that a believer may have inflicted on him or her that potentially casts them out into the farthest reaches of the wilderness of their own spirituality — to a point where identity is separated-of-soul and abandoned.

Godly compassion was made for reconciling a sinner in the love of Christ, yet, because of bad counsel or a hard heart, compassion may be too little or too late.

This is as much about compassion as it is about grief, for an excessive grief, which is, by nature, unjust and unfair and therefore not right, is caused through a vacuous void of compassion.

Compassion – A Veritable Sign of God’s Grace

What better example of compassion do we have for humanity in humanity’s condition than grace — that the Father sought us, wrought us through repentance, and bought us through his Son?

God showed us such compassion that he did for us that which we could never do for ourselves. We’re to be ever grateful.

And we’re to mirror that grace in living redemptive lives.

It’s no longer any good that we would hold a person up to an experience of excessive sorrow. As a saved person, that compassion God has shown us is to be shown through us to others, exemplifying how we’ve understood that meaning and value in that grace.

It’s no longer sufficient to ever hold something against someone, especially where that holding back produces in them excessive grief.

We show our God’s Lordship over us by our obedient surrender of compassion, forgiving those we think don’t deserve it.

But they do deserve our forgiveness for what God has done for us. Our forgiving them isn’t about what they did or did not do; it’s about what Christ has done.

Such compassion that was extravagantly shown to us is to be our model; we’re purveyors of that self-same extravagant grace.

It’s not God’s will at all that anyone we know should have to endure excessive grief.

Compassion facilitates a transaction from an excessive grief to an abundance of healing.

Compassion makes a way for something irretrievably unjust, unfair and inappropriate to be made just, fair and right.

As believers, we have this privilege and responsibility: to embody compassion in all our undertakings.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

He Whose Name Is Respect Will Not Harm Anyone

HARM is a mode of life that breaches all sorts of safety protocols, sometimes even in the name of progress, often by ways of a lesser evil than would normally take place.

But harm is harm. It’s intolerable to God.

God is love and he made us to love by respect. Love is manifest by respect.

Respect comes by many names: Responsible, and his brother, Empathy. Sensitivity, and his brother, Peaceable. Equitable, and his brother, Consideration. Then, of course, there’s Tender.

But Harm comes by many names, too: Excuse, and his brother, Blame. Malevolence, and his brother, Spite. Fear, and his brother, Pride.

Respect enjoys much esteem. The ladies like him. His friends, too. He knows the work of love he’s put into his character. He cannot harm you.

Yet Harm finds the ladies scarce. Pity the woman who is wooed by his charm.

Respect — and all his brothers — bid all you ladies this prayer: that you find the kin of Respect; that you wed such kin so you’ll be safe and loved like you deserve.

A Poem About Harm

I may bid you ‘respect’,

And hope not to harm,

And though it’s not my intent,

Can’t you see my charm?

(No, your charm’s part of the problem)

Sometimes I get angry,

Even though I’m trying to be good,

You know bad things can happen,

Even though they never should.

(Violence should not ‘happen’; not even once)

Abuse is not what I want for you,

I know it’s something wrong,

But can’t you see what this is?

It really won’t last that long.

(No, that’s an excuse)

Can’t you bear me a little longer,

Come on; a second chance,

Can’t you see what this is,

It’s how all couples dance.

(No, violence is not how couples dance)

Sometimes what you do angers me,

Can’t you be more careful, alright!

Sometimes you deserve it,

When with you I pick a fight.

(No, she never deserves it)

I may say some nasty things,

I might pull at your clothes,

But I’m not really that bad,

I’m really not one of your foes.

(No, you are)

I don’t mean all that I say,

I’m just messing with your head,

So why do you worry,

That one day you’ll be dead?

(Violence can be psychological too)

No, I will not allow you,

The sort of freedom you say you need,

Then you say I’m controlling,

But your freedom I will not feed.

(Controlling a partner is violence as well)

But you know I’m not perfect,

We both know that for sure,

So I’m sorry very much,

If your face hits the door.

(No, that’s not an apology; you’re not really sorry)

***

I’m not kidding here,

This affects anyone, you know,

To snub those who harm,

Is the only way they’ll grow.

There’s only one way to put a stop to harm. To nip it at the bud, and to address it once for all, so it cannot happen again.

***

I post this in the sincere wish that it does not bring harm but more awareness to the issues many women face silently and secretly.

As a husband I know how shaming these issues are for men. Occasionally as husbands we fail in being respectful whilst stopping short of violence. But there are those men who see no wrong in what they do. They justify their controlling behaviour. And there are those men too who are genuinely too fearful to reach out for help.

Certainly many women would escape to safety if it were that simple. Tragically, it’s never really that simple. (Imagine the thought of your partner ‘tracking you down’ and never feeling safe, especially when there are kids involved.) Like a pornography addiction, domestic violence is a secret and silent and very shaming evil going on in far too many homes, many of which are Christian homes.

I’m not writing this because I know your secret, because I do not know your secret. I’m not ‘onto you’. But you may read this with that sense of paranoia and it’s not my intention to scare you, but it is my intention to empathise with your situation.

If you need to, seek help. I will pray that you will see God helping you to that end.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

2015’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

NOVEMBER 13 in Paris was a moment for history, much as London 2005 was and September 11, 2001, before it, was for Americans. 2015 has been littered with terrorism events. It was actually harder than usual putting this list together, because of terrorism’s dominance over the year. Having compiled a Top 10 of this ilk each year since 2009 it was noticeable how significant terrorism has been this year in the cast of this Top 10.

NUMBER TEN – NIGERIA ATTACKS BY BOKO HARAM

On January 3–7, in a series of massacres in Baga, Nigeria, and surrounding villages, terrorist organisation Boko Haram kills more than 2,000 people. At least sixteen towns are destroyed and over 35,000 people are displaced.

NUMBER NINE – GERMANWINGS FLIGHT CRASHES INTO FRENCH ALPS

On March 24, Flight 9525, an Airbus A320-211 plane operated by low-cost carrier Germanwings crashes in the French Alps, killing all 150 on board. Andreas Lubitz, the co-pilot, is found responsible for the crash, having locked the pilot out of the cockpit. Dozens of medical practitioners had reviewed Lubitz’s mental health as unstable sparking reviews into airline policies for health assessments for commercial pilots. Several countries’ aviation authorities implement immediate policy changes requiring two authorised personnel to remain in the cockpit at all times during flights.

NUMBER EIGHT – PARTS FOUND FROM MH370 BOEING 777

On August 5, debris from the ill-fated Malaysia Airlines flight 370 washes up on Reunion Island. The right wing flaperon is verified as belonging to the Boeing 777. Its finding ends nearly eighteen months’ speculation and gives hope to the loved ones of the 239 who died on the flight.

NUMBER SEVEN – NEPAL EARTHQUATES

On April 25, a Magnitude 7.8 quake strikes Nepal, causing 8,857 deaths in Nepal, 130 in India, 27 in China, and 4 in Bangladesh; a total of 9,018 deaths. There is a subsequent quake on May 12 affecting the same area. This registers 7.3 on the Richter Scale and 218 further souls lose their lives.

NUMBER SIX – WATER ON MARS

On September 28, NASA confirms that liquid water has been found on planet Mars, but there are still many questions as to the planet’s habitability, especially regarding its atmosphere.

NUMBER FIVE – CLIMATE CHANGE CRISIS

On November 30, the 2015 United Nations Climate Control Conference (COP 21) commences, and it becomes the first of its kind where the major players take climate change seriously enough to innovate for action; a universally binding legal agreement, in an effort to keep global warming below 2^o Celsius by the year 2100.

NUMBER FOUR – SAME-SEX MARRIAGE VOTE AND RULING

On May 23, Ireland votes to legalise same-sex marriage, becoming the first country to legalise same-sex marriage by popular vote. And on June 26, the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) rules in favour of gay marriage. The ramifications split many Western world countries with millions passionate on both sides of the debate.

NUMBER THREE – BOMBING OF RUSSIAN AIR FLIGHT

On October 31, Metrojet Flight KGL 9268, an Airbus A321 en route to Saint Petersburg breaks up mid-air over Egypt. Later it’s found that Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL terrorists)* have detonated a one kilogram bomb. 224 people were killed, 217 of which were passengers, and seven crew.

NUMBER TWO – GUN DEBATE IN THE U.S.

On December 2, the San Bernardino shootings bring the gun debate to fever pitch in the United States of America. Later this event is found to be an act of terrorism with links to radicalisation.

NUMBER ONE – PARIS ATTACKS

On November 13, multiple simultaneous attacks are made on Paris. Terrorist organisation Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)* claimed responsibility, and the group of incidents results in around 132 fatalities. Even though there were other key world-significant events on the day (earthquake in Japan, Beirut bombings, bombings in Baghdad, etc) the Paris attacks represent the scale of planning akin to 9/11/2001 attacks on the United States of America.

***

Compared to previous years, 2015 would have to be classified as a year dominated by a higher than average number of very memorable terrorist events.

*It needs to be said that ISIL do not represent the vast majority of people of the Muslim religion.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

If you’re interested in my analyses of previous years, here they are:

2014’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

2013’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

2012’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

2011’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

2010’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

2009’s Ten Biggest, Most Memorable Events

5 Spiritual Opportunities This Christmas

AS I listen to the tunes of Mercy Me’s I Can Only Imagine (the song Sarah walked down the aisle to at our Wedding) and also contemplate prayerfully last night’s story time with Ethan (Sarah and I taking him through the Christmas story with our little nativity set), I’m moved to want to be a child again. Staring up at a Christmas tree, and ultimately staring up in awe of a Saviour who came from eternity afar to seek me and save me!

Jesus is the reason for the season. We’ve heard it said so much it’s a cliché now.

But it’s true. What is also true is that it’s God’s will that we use this time of the year to ponder life and God, our hopes and faith.

Here are a quick five opportunities to be blessed spiritually this Christmas (and in the lead up):

1.      REFLECT: It’s not until we make time to go to the beach or for a walk in the bush (or wood) that we recognise how far from God we’ve been drawn in our trying to keep up with the demands of daily life in this world. Find somewhere for repose. The child in me wants to find space for thinking and feeling and being. The child in me wants to dream, to imagine heaven, and to ponder that day.

2.      REVISE: your year. Christmas comes at the end of it; exactly one week before New Year. Isn’t it a great opportunity to take stock over the year, and, without lamenting the laments all over again, or getting lost in the triumphs, try and fit this year’s history into your overall history. What could God be saying? In revising we’re re-visioning. It’s not just about ‘revision’ (a ghastly though truly necessary activity); it’s about re-casting the vision of our lives. We live in ‘live’ time. Each moment spent is one more moment gone — written forever into our history book. The child in me wants to find my own place back in my own life. The child in me is impatient with being estranged in this adult body; give me back my kid — my ability to optimise my imagination — so I can live a worthy adult life.

3.      RECREATE: what history are we going to write… from now on — for our present and future. There are a trillion ways we can live life, thousands of which could be God’s will. A commitment to recreate is not a commitment to becoming lazy; it’s an opportunity to create and create and to create some more. The child in me wants to find space in my own heart, to play, to enjoy, to find peace. The peace there is in rest!

4.      RESUME: the spiritual life is about coming back onto that blessed straight path having inevitably wandered yet again from God’s purposes and plans for our lives. Resuming is about remembering the good practices we once did and reinstituting them. What is it about our spirituality or time with family that we miss? Time to realign goals. The child in me wants to find my way back to what’s good and safe. The child in me so values safety; blessed assurance of God.

5.      REVITALISE: the purpose of spiritual retreat is ultimately to revitalise. That’s dealing with the sapping demands of life, retreating, reflecting, revising, recreating, and resuming. The child in me wants to find my energy and bring it back again. The child in me wants to, again, be on fire for life and God.

***

Christmas is a great time of year to sacrifice some time for the precious activity of retreat to reflect, revise, and recreate, so as to resume revitalised.

Time to ponder family and friendship, the meaning of life, God in the midst of it all.

Find some time for retreat to reflect, revise, and recreate, so as to resume revitalised. To recall the good in life.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

My Gift, Though Small, Is Given To Make You Tall

Oh how small the enemy makes us feel,

When we’ve only got a pittance to give,

But all of what we give is fully and truly real,

And it’s given with the fullest intent,

That another might truly live.

Don’t let your discouraged heart stop you from giving your gift. However small it may be to you, God intends you to give it.

He not only intends you give it; he makes it so you cannot not give it. And, even though the enemy can have a field day with your mind, you have done the right thing. You’ve brought heaven to earth. And, of course, the devil hates that.

Remember What You’ve Been Given Is a Gift To Be Given Back

Our spiritual gifts are not for our selective use. They’re there to benefit the body of believers and the whole world.

Gifts are given in order that they may be given again as gifts to others.

Any gift that God gives that gives extravagantly sows into a Kingdom that reaps in a multiplicity of ways. Almost every single one of these ways is significant; as much as they are also unknown to us.

To receive is an invitation to give. So give. And be glad. Think not of the cost. Think only of the possibilities for the Kingdom. We’ll never know until we see the Kingdom in all its glory.

Three Things To Remember In the Pit of Discouragement

When we give our gifts they’re not always received with the gratitude due their receiving.

This we must accept, as they’re gifts — given freely with no impediment of obligation.

But we may still necessarily feel slightly or mightily discouraged.

Here’s what to do:

1.     Remember who gave the gift to us in the first place. God knows what that slap in the face feels like. Think of the times we’ve rejected him in rejecting the receipt of his gifts, and the times we’ve rejected him in refusing to give our gifts when he’s willed us to. When we’re talking the gifts of the Kingdom — gifts good enough for the perfection of heaven — we can see how inappropriate it is for these gifts not to be used or extended to others.

2.     Grace abides. There’s no obligation on the receiver to receive them with thanks, or to even receive them at all. A gift does not command a receiving. Grace abides. It must.

3.     What a friend we have in Jesus. In prayer we have a Lord and Saviour who will understand and empathise with us — that rejection at Calvary was harder than any rejection we have to bear. Bitter discouragements ought to be aimed at him who knows the gall of bitter distress better than we ever can.

***

Don’t let your discouraged heart stop you from giving your gift. However small it may be to you, God intends you to give it.

Truly.

When I give my gift to you,

Even though I know it’s small,

Know that I give with an intent that’s true,

An intent that wants you to feel tall.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

A Grief Done Well is Grief Done Once — Part 1

For JMG – who bears these lessons.

THEORIES are tested in the throes of life, and the thesis I’ve seen proven time and again — via those I’ve hoped to help and through the lessons learned in my own life — is that a grief done well is a grief done once. There’s no needing to go back over old ground when we’ve already attended to every nuance of pain in the grief, bearing every heartrending truth, to God’s consummate glory.

Truth is, God honours our preparedness to do what must be done in order to confront reality and be healed.

Remember Previous Losses You’ve Handled Well

It’s okay if you feel you’ll never get over this loss. All we need to remember is previous losses we got over. This gives us confidence. We did it before. We perhaps faced rejection, and, though it crushed us for a time, it didn’t ultimately. So, we go back and hold onto the victories of past; we thank God for them.

Moments of Disbelief, of Not Moving On, of Not Accepting It’s Over

To not accept reality, for a time, is completely normal. I like Pete Scazzero’s take on Bloom’s Taxonomy where he explains why it takes so long for us to learn. The bigger the concept of adjustment the longer it can take. In terms of grief, life’s asking us to adjust to such a massive transition of reality we’re bound to struggle for some time; months, sometimes a year or more. But the good thing is once we’ve learned what we’ve needed to, we “own” our new reality — it’s subsumed with joy into our identity. We don’t look back.

Feeling Like You’re Ready to Move On (Commence Something New)

Again, it’s normal and totally fine to be in a place where you can’t move on from the person or situation of your loss. (This fits in with what was discussed immediately above.)

Some parts of us cannot move forward because we’re not ready to let go; there is safety in holding on.

But then there comes the time you’ve long prayed for; when you actually want to create something new.

This is a wonderful day when you’re ready to cast off the mooring lines from what was safe harbour. And as those ropes are reeled aboard we watch the old self float off into the distance at the same as we steam forward, approaching with excitement the journey ahead. New discoveries are eagerly anticipated. Even as we move forward hope abounds on hope. A newer, bolder self proves to us the work of God in our growth.

Feeling Stuck In A Place You Can’t Get Out Of

Yet feeling stuck in an old place is a necessary forerunner to the above. They say that for change to stick we must have sufficient dissatisfaction with the present, a vision for the future, and hope in a process to get there.

Importantly, here, it’s suggested you don’t panic. Faith says you’ll get there.

Faith hopes in what we don’t presently see any chance in achieving. Faith has no hope, but because it hopes, it is faith.

***

A grief done well is a grief done once. Not only that. One grief done well makes it possible that future griefs are done well (but that will be the subject of a future article).

Somehow God has us experience the power of his healing — that we trusted faith, day after horrible day, month after long month — and we ultimately came through the other side of the tunnel of trial.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.

What Our Dislikes About Others Says About Us

EVER wonder why some people drive you so crazy? Well, it could just be that the very traits they have that we despise are secretly dormant (and not-so-dormant) within us. This refers to Jungian thinking.

Jungian thinking has taught us much about how to wrestle with our mental ill-health, yet his thinking has taught us more about enhancing our mental health.

Wrestling with Carl Gustav Jung’s (CGJ) thinking is about embarking on a grand lifelong journey of awakening into the Self. From a Christian’s viewpoint, this is very much about tussling with the broken sinful nature and our identity in Christ that brings fullness of self out of honest journeying with God.

Read this through the lens of a solid Christian theology:

“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” (CGJ)

Mark Sayers brought us the vertical self and it’s been very helpful in my thinking. When we keep our thinking vertical — thinking on matters within and matters above — God communicates spiritual truth and he finds in us a willing audience. His truth awakens us, and humility and gratitude are our heart responses.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” (CGJ)

If only we’d learn to ask the question when we’re irritated by others: “Why is this causing me so much angst?”

“Where does this stop being about them and start being about me?”

“What is my response saying about me?”

Such questions invite the Spirit of God to indwell us with the heartland of his truth.

I have to watch myself for the things in others that I dislike. Because it’s coming back at me. Give it time, give it the space of a fresh opportunity, when tables are turned, and I’ll do the same thing I don’t like them doing. Scary, but true.

The best thing about this is anger toward others for how they behave — in the best of their intents — should alert us to the compassion we should wisely set aside. For them and for ourselves.

Maybe it’s not as easy as it looks.

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.” (CGJ)

Knowing our own darkness is being truthful about who we are; it’s being humble. It makes us more grateful to God for his grace that accepts us, because of Christ, for who we are, darkness and all.

Sure, others have their quirks of darkness, too. But, the more we focus on others’ darkness the less we see their light, the more we complain, the less grateful we are.

Again, the vertical self teaches us the vitality of spirituality in the fact of the relationship we need most — the one that edifies us in truth. It’s the relationship we have with God. When our vertical self is alive in its vibrancy, God is showing us more and more the truth of our darkness — to which we see through the eyes of his grace. The vertical self engages our humility. It compels us to truth. The more we see that grace in God, the more we juxtapose his grace with our sinful nature, the more we get the priorities in our lives ordered and sorted.

Journeying inward brings blessedness of gratitude from a receptiveness for truth that awakens a soul to its need of humility.

A humble soul knows and accepts their truth and for that soul gratitude overflows.

Again, the more we focus on another’s darkness the less we see their light, the more we complain, the less grateful we are… the worse life is.

We can do better than that.

© 2015 Steve Wickham.