Someone asked me
recently, “How and why does this bitterness rise so destructively from within
me?”
Bitterness, I have
found from my own experience and from working with many others, is a deep
seated anger at the injustice of hurt. Like a volcano, bitterness may remain
dormant for extended periods only to rise up in manifest anger and then fury
strikes.
The anger is often
inappropriately pointed but there is always a stimulus, whether we are aware of
it or not. The stimulus always takes us back the site of the hurt.
So, whilst we are
angry at our spouse or kids, we are affected by that work issue that gnaws away
at us from inside. Sure, the family concerns are there, and they certainly prove
to be frustrations.
But anger burns from
beneath.
Bitterness that
fuels anger turns an issue of annoyance into something regretful.
And the worst thing
is the actual targets of our anger are none the wiser.
I’m not sure I
subscribe to easy forgiveness. Forgiving matters and people isn’t as easy as
reeling out a biblical cliché.
Forgiveness, again
from my personal observations, is engendered when we get the focus off the one
who needs to be forgiven, and we put the blowtorch on ourselves.
When we get honest
about what we are doing wrong, that’s when forgiveness of another gets clearer.
Until we are honest, we just issue our anger the endorsement it needs: that denial
of pride.
Bitterness rises up
because it is as yet undealt with. We may be doing the best we can, but it’s a
process. We have to find the right mix of patience and persistence in dealing
with the pride that rails at the injustices that are meted out to us all at one
point or other.
***
What do we do about
the hurt we inflict on others?
We need, first, to
take accountability for our actions; to apologise, having first understood from
them just how they felt and what it cost them.
Dr. Gary Chapman
suggests there are five languages of apology. Two of them are covered above.
But we also need to be prepared to make restitution, repent adequately enough
that repeat performances of anger do not occur, and finally, seek their
forgiveness.
Anger insists it be
dealt with or it will destroy.
When bitterness
rises, best we are aware so we can cool and smother those flames. It always
pays to remember that the people we get angry with are not the people we are really
angry with. We too often fight with our spouses and children over issues we are
vexed about at work or in church or because of stress.
© 2015 S. J. Wickham.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.