The essence of narcissism

I know, I know, it’s the most overused term these days: narcissism. But let’s consider the ancient Scriptures of Sirach 11:2…

It says, “Do not praise individuals for their good looks, or loathe anyone because of their appearance alone.”

There is an inherent folly in the trust of appearance, because appearances are deceptive. The essence of narcissism is appearance. And the narcissist knows that they can fool the world through the maintenance of appearance alone. What makes them sociopathic and even psychopathic is their givenness to these traits of deception.

They even deceive themselves.

That person who maintains trust through appearance, who manicures a beautifully presented reputation, who will do anything to maintain it, even to the extent of burning anyone who dares to question their validity, who puts tremendous stock in what people think of them, is a pattern narcissist.

Their image is everything. Even to the point that they have mastered such softness of heart at the surface that often has some of the most discerning counsellors fooled. They appear to have empathy. They have full command of their emotions, and regulate them according to the needs of the situation. They manipulate our heartstrings. It’s their job. It’s as if they were made for the maintenance of appearance. Little wonder, really, that they are grief-stricken at the merest accusation that they are anything but the paragon of Christian character. The more we read about such a person, the more we are given to doubting that there is any Christian character left in all of the copse of humanity.

We’re left with a problem. How on earth are we to tell between the narcissist who seems perfect, and the mature Christian who we might think would look perfect. This is where we’re easily duped.

The mature Christian doesn't look perfect at all.

Indeed, they glory in their pattern imperfectness, as they point to the One who is glorified in all perfection.

They who are mature have nothing left to prove and nothing left to gain. They are entirely comfortable being entirely vulnerable. They who add nothing to their salvation know above knowing the value in the fruit of repentance. Their engagement in repentance is the surest sign of their maturity.

But then we are left with the common problem: we are ever quickly deceived, and devastatingly so, in the entrapment we find ourselves bound to; in all manner the circumstances and varying situations we find ourselves, and especially within codependency.

The essence of narcissism is image projection
amid image fascination
amid image protection
amid image sanctification.

See what I mean? Everything is about image. And when everything is about image, nothing is about reality, and there is no integrity between the image and the fruit of one’s behaviour. It’s a complete mismatch.

Whenever we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who has a preoccupation with their image we will always be the loser, because they must serve the image, because it has become their idol. And idols always require sacrifices.

And if we don’t protect and nurture a positive image—no matter how false it is—we have limited value, no matter how much we’re told we are loved. Their image is more important than we are. And you will know how conditional their love is by how quickly you are thrown under a bus when you say or do anything that might impact on their image.

If you have found that your feedback or criticism of a certain someone has generated vindictiveness on their part, watch out, because if they are narcissistic, you are the one who will lose. They exist for themselves, and are never willingly beaten. They see ‘win/lose’ when we’re wondering what all the fighting’s about.

They have no insight, and
have no desire to grow in insight.

They exist that you might have insight of their brilliance, their specialness, their Jesus-likeness. But what unravels image from reality is reality itself. They aspire to something completely beyond them, because they never recognise that spiritual brilliance, specialness, and Jesus-likeness occurs through weakness and vulnerability. The narcissist has long rejected these qualities, but they know the value in weaponising the image that these qualities bear.

They know the power of charisma of projecting a persona of weakness and vulnerability so others may be won over.

As I said, appearances are deceptive. And the world is full of such trickery. If you want to know who the trustworthy are, observe it in them by their willingness to be seen as weak, as wrong, as learners, as growers, as listeners, and as friends.

Observe how many people trust them. Observe the longevity of their relationships. Observe what grounded, trustworthy others say about them who have known them for a long time.

Above all, view everyone through the lens of image. The person who puts their own image above the treatment of others is dangerous. And anyone who goes to war to protect a person’s image indicates how insidious the system of narcissism is.

Photo by David Taffet on Unsplash