What do you do when you’re sick of being used?

We have all had relationships where we either knew or we’ve suspected we’ve been used.  There are some other words.  Manipulated.  Violated.  Aggressed.  Fed upon.  It’s like you get to know what to expect.  It never feels good.

The dynamic of this kind of relational abuse is indiscriminatory.  It happens in marriages, in families, between parents and grown children, at all ages and stages, in workplaces, and in friendships (that you may quickly decide need to be curtailed).  The saddest reality is that relationships can turn this way, from being otherwise healthy, and tragically they can end this way.  A lot of the time they can start out this way, but we may only see it from hindsight.

I probably don’t need to go into too much detail about the process of being used, or how it feels.  Of course, it’s terrible.  Each moment of betrayal is a potential heartache.  It’s not unusual for us to crave something different from a particular relationship, only to find that the relationship in question consistently delivers the opposite.  Each time, betrayal facilitates grief for the hope of connection that didn’t transpire.

When we consistently feel used by another person, and it doesn’t matter who it is, though so much worse if it’s a family member, we do need to begin to separate our allegiances from them.  We need to not only protect ourselves, but others too.  Such is the web of deceit, we will not be the only ones drawn into their cacophony of manipulation.  It could well be fellow loved ones, and these others could feel the impact more keenly than we do.

We do need to find willing and wise allies with which to process what is going on.  This is a crucial step.  We not only need validation for what we are seeing and experiencing and feeling, we also need a process by which we can speak our grief.  The nuances of a relationship whereby we feel used are of themselves deceptive.  We need to speak of these things as they are, and especially in the case of gaslighting, we need to put truth on the table, much so that we can see it there shimmering for what it is.  When we see the truth, we receive clarity about what to do, and without clarity confusion reigns.

We also need to plan how the relationship will continue to run if we cannot separate from it in a physical way.  This is all about the review, consideration and construction of (new) boundaries.  We can use the wisdom that we have gleaned from our wise advisors.  We can go to God in prayer, and wait on word from the Holy Spirit in how to execute plans that protect ourselves and others we care for.  We will also be trying things out to see if they’re effective.  Every little bit counts.

In recapitulating the steps I’ve mentioned above, you have the separating of allegiances, which is as much about an emotional separation as it is about a physical separation (which is not always possible).  This is done for protection.  And for perspective.  Only when someone has proven they don’t want a genuine giving relationship do we need to partition off our heart.  The reminds me of Proverbs 4:23: “Guard your heart, for from it comes the wellspring of life.”  Having sectioned off our heart then gives us the ability to love this narcissistic person with the love they need; a love secure with boundaries.

Secondly, to the ends of perspective, we need wise and willing allies; those mentors who can be objective in helping us unpack the damage the narcissist does.  From confusion to clarity.  Thirdly, we resolve to add to our plans actions that will facilitate a healthy separation from the person or persons manipulating us and possibly those we care about.

Photo by Wolfgang Hasselmann on Unsplash