Opening up, sharing, sounding boards, support and stuff like that

There would hardly be a soul who would not want to share if they needed to, if they felt they could, when they needed to.  So many do.  Many cannot help opening up.  But so many also either struggle to open up or find they cannot give themselves over to vulnerability, for a whole range of reasons.

Sometimes people have been so hurt and betrayed by those who were supposed to support them that they find it nearly impossible to share anymore.

One of those reasons is people literally don’t have anyone available, who is prepared to listen, give support, encouragement and wisdom.  They don’t have anyone they could trust who could hold and contain them.

I remember a time in my life — nearly ten years ago now — when my main support, my wife, found it very hard to help me.  I would share, but I would often get it wrong.

I was so often either inconsolable or quite angry about a circumstantial depression I was in. Occasionally, however, my approach worked, and I was able to draw on her support instead of upsetting her.

We determined at one stage that she never minded listening and supporting me if she didn’t feel personally attacked in the process.  The problem for me is I was so wound up in the problem a lot of the time I would come home after a day’s work and occasionally explode.  Other times I would just come home, sit with her and pour my heart out.

Most of the time I’d come home and there were no D&M’s, but we always remember the heady days and not the boring ones.

It was the latter approach that was a help to us both, because in not feeling attacked, my wife was able to give me the support I needed.  She just listened.  And asked questions gently.  She provided a counselling method of sorts.  It was always appreciated.

Many people who would like to share don’t know if they can trust the other person entirely that they’ve got available to themselves.

Others don’t know what to say, or they feel afraid of being vulnerable — for a range of reasons.

Others again have the opposite problem that my wife had — rather than being upset at the attack, they attack the person back.

The person in the sounding board role is playing a shock absorbing role in allowing a certain emotionality to emerge.  Emotions are part of the sharing experience.

People who want to share don’t know if they can trust their own emotions to the space created.  People who are prepared to listen may often worry that they may not be able to give the support required, or they may fear being triggered themselves, or there could be some safety concern, or they may not have the energy reserves.

For the person sharing, it’s always worth the risk of exposure when you’ve already decided the sounding board you’ve chosen is trustworthy.

Your sounding board will often feel privileged that you trust them.  So take courage, don’t worry if you feel you’re muddled and all over the place with what you say.  Just trust the flow of your words.  It doesn’t have to come out in perfect linear fashion.

For the person being trusted, you have what it takes in your empathy.  Their problem is not your problem.  You don’t need to own their issues, and they’re not asking that of you.

They’re not asking or requiring you to fix what they bring to you; perhaps they just want to be heard (there’s a lot of momentary healing in just that!) and a little feedback on where their thinking’s at.

Listen, affirm, encourage, and then leave it at that.  Being there, being faithful, over the journey is about as important as anything else.

Photo by Pedro Kümmel on Unsplash