You can’t change a person’s heart no matter how hard you try

I read a short post recently that stopped me dead in my tracks.  Transfixed to the screen was I.  You know, when someone is so raw in their truth that they not only bravely bear their vulnerability, they speak out into the silent world a pain that so many carry.

A young mother’s despair at her children’s father figures being absent in their lives.  It clear broke my heart.  With kind permission, I share this:

“I wish I was smart enough to have children with men who actually wanted to have kids and would want to spend every free moment with them because they love them so much. Show interest in their lives every day. 

I can only blame myself for believing lies and hoping in them to be good men, fathers, partners. For that I’ve failed.”

A series of friends responded, of course, saying that she had not failed; that it wasn’t her fault.  Is it ever our fault when someone commits to being a spouse or parent and they later re-neg?  The person left caring for the children is the hero, for children can still prosper with one diligent, caring, faithful parent.

So many women are in the position of this dedicated mother.  There are men, too, whose partners have neglected their children.  These parents put everything on hold for their children, which is the sacrifice that parenting demands.  If at least one parent won’t make the sacrifices, what will happen of the child?  They suffer neglect, and that’s a clear abuse.

I also wonder if there’s a deeper message in all this for us all — women and men of all ages and backgrounds.

We all want some people who are in our lives to somehow be different than they are.  They lack motivation, initiative, commitment, wisdom, faith, etc.  They may be too controlling, angry, depressed, impulsive, etc.  We would sorely have them change in the direction of the improvement we see they deeply need.  Many have prayed to this end: “Lord, please change this one and make them see what they need to see.”

Of course, it’s a futile exercise.  No amount of bargaining with God or in our minds will change them one bit.  Only they can change themselves.  And they will only change when THEY see the need of it.

If only they could see what they’re missing out on, the regrets they’ll have later in life, the live-now-pay-later methodology that feels good for now but pays in a debt that cannot be repaid later.  If only they could see the folly in a plan for narcissistic delight.  Nobody gets away with putting themselves first and others last.

When Jesus reversed that plan, divine perfection representing the perfect human, he showed us that putting others first is actually a plan to put ourselves first, but not because we want to be first, but that it’s BECAUSE we want to be last.

THIS is the wisdom of the ages!  And it bears sweet and luscious fruit in parenting.

What if we didn’t bargain but simply forgot about them?  What if we got on with our lives?

What if we moved on without the recalcitrant lingering on a bitter palate?

What if we knew we’d be okay and that our children would be better than fine if we just made the best of it?

When we face realities like this, and there are so many who do, there really is only one wise option: move on kindly without them, always ready for a miracle (for the sake of the children), but never expecting one.

Photo by Naassom Azevedo on Unsplash