It’s Not Really About Me (or You)!

“If anything he should be apologising to me, not the other way around!”

~Common Sentiment.

We’ve all been there. They think they’re being victimised and so do we, and never the twain shall meet; not at least with such divergently polar views.

But, life is not really about me getting my own way, nor you.

Life is about mutual success and inclusivity. It’s about joining forces with others to achieve collective objectives. It’s about becoming one with others as God is One.

Next time we have the above ‘common sentiment’ ringing through our minds—the complaint of the heart—we’d do well to remember our rampant pride of self pity is robbing everyone else (including ourselves) of what we all deserve: the good life.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Playing the ‘Clean-Up’ Game

There’s nothing quite like a freshened story from the vista of the memory; reminiscing over the activity of a bygone era. This one that follows inspired a bout of glowing and God-thanked nostalgia.

We know we’ve hit on something with our kids when we achieve something we need to do­—like cleaning the bedrooms up—very easily and with their full cooperation, because we’ve made something laborious quite ingeniously fun.

The Discovery – A Stroke of Chance

I’m recalling a lovely time over ten years ago now when my children were of pre-school and early-primary aged.

I’d go into one of their bedrooms where they’d been playing and there would be toys strewn everywhere; the challenge then was to clean it all up.

As a parent, I never felt this was my job—but supervision and motivation I was charged with.

One day I hit on the idea to make a game of it. Well, we never looked back. Soon I discovered, however, that every game had to end in a tie, as the competition was so intense one would invariably become dejected in observing the other winning. At times this was an object lesson to the dejected one; at other times an object lesson, a.k.a. a ‘coaching moment,’ wasn’t beneficial—parents, I’m sure, will understand.

The ‘Clean-Up Game’

This game’s very simple. One child is nominated to pick up the dolls and put them away; the other child is nominated to pick up the doll’s clothes and put them away. If there’s a third or more children, they’re given another task. The game continues until all the toys are back in place and the room is up to par.

Once the actual parameters of the micro-task are decided—and they need to be very fair and understood (this is also a game enhancing communication)—then the parent is able to count them down, “Ready, set, GO!”

And literally, “OFF” they go.

They’ll scamper to get the advantage over the other sibling(s). When they’ve finished they need to call out, “Finished!” so that the parent can verify their task’s actually complete. Of course, safety needs to be stressed as rushing about can be hazardous; we don’t want the fun abruptly halted for blood, bruises or tears!

The Real Winners

With these sorts of family activities the whole family wins.

It’s fun, it gets the job done and we’ll be surprised how much they’ll want to play it, even when we’re not in the mood for it.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Relinquishing the Next Move

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”

~Matthew 5:9 (NRSV).

We all want the final move, but not all of us can win all the time. I was reminded of this after watching Angela’s Ashes (1999) when Frank joins the Postal Corps. Told to “shut up,” he proceeds to politely have the final word. After four or five humorous iterations the female clerk gives up in despair. Clearly, only one party can have the final word.

And yet, our fights must end with us; not issuing the final word or act, but in us allowing the other person this glorious decency.

This is at once an easy and mighty chivalry.

It’s not that important to have the next/last move. We show ourselves to be scared little creatures—not children of God—when we insist upon such things.

Think for a moment, when we give way to the other person and relinquish the thing we might want to say—and they’ll somehow know it—what this will go toward achieving.

We’ll be earning ourselves a true friend, that’s what.

And even if the other person struggles to trust us via this initial cavalcade of camaraderie, we’ll have caused the setting-up for them, a ricochet for their memory, come future altercations.

Nothing adds to our credibility more than this sort of uncommon grace.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Feeling Criticised? – Considering the Source, Why and What to Learn

“In the midst of misunderstanding, you can ask three questions to understand the accuser. The first is, ‘Who?’ In other words, consider the source!”

~Chuck Swindoll.[1]

Some people are just never satisfied unless they’re tearing others apart, and the bewildering irony is they still generally won’t be satisfied, as they set about mauling another person and then another and so on—okay, it’s a worst-case scenario there!

Some, it’s fair, are just simply critical in their general outlook on life without being so overt about cruelling people.

The Trouble for the Criticiser

The issues burning often well beneath the criticiser—highlighting their annoyance—are so often many levels beneath and too low to be identified. They possibly don’t care anyway.

The core principle of criticism is this: those that ‘criticise,’ i.e. those who use a harsh-spirited approach at aggressively stating the issue of their annoyance, generally only ever undermine themselves in the process of attacking people.

Considering the Source, Why and What Can Be Learned

Here is a relatively simple principle we only need to be more aware of.

If the ‘criticism’ we’re getting is at any point constructive—i.e. it’s intended to build us up, developing us—we’ll probably be receiving it from someone who cares about us and our development.

If, however, the criticism feels like criticism—i.e. it cuts like a knife and leaves us stinging and openly wounded—we would do well to consider, as Swindoll continues, ‘why’ this is coming our way (the second question) and ‘what’ can be learned from it (the third).

The person being critical, by virtue of the activity and motive of their criticism, is probably not centred in objectivity, and probably doesn’t have our best in mind and at heart. The ‘why’ question then is answered—the person has their own problems.

It’s perhaps not really about us at all, or perhaps only in a minor way.

And what can be learned from this ordeal? It is to be as objective as possible whilst still protecting our own hearts from the excess hurt we can feel. Doing this will help us in forgiving our transgressor.

Whatever we’ve done we probably didn’t intend bad of it, and even if we did, we don’t truly deserve—from the Christian viewpoint—to be condemned anyway. Sure, we may have blown the trust of another, but forgiveness should be given if they know God.

When the Source is Someone Important to Us

Feeling criticised is one thing. It is the criticism from someone we really esteem that cuts hard; that’s another matter.

We need to have the courage to explore with this person the feelings we have because of their feedback. We alone must own our feelings. At least we can explore how we’ve felt with them as a point of understanding, if nothing else.

This will obviously require courage and trust from us, a.k.a. faith.

At its most rudimentary we should be striving to learn something about ourselves—and how we can improve—from the ordeal; God never wastes a hurt if we approach criticism this way.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

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[1] Chuck Swindoll, “Getting Through the Tough Stuff: It’s Always Something” in Christian Book Summaries (Vol. 3, Issue 5) – book by W Publishing Group: Nashville, Tennessee (2004). Available: http://www.christianbooksummaries.com/library/v3/cbs0305.pdf

Are You Lonesome Tonight (or Today)?

Loneliness has been a recurring theme for me to write about of late. It’s always an issue for many numbers of people and this is why the message has to be constant.

The basic message: loneliness, whilst it is real, needn’t conquer us.

I suppose of very recently God has pressed into my heart certain names and faces—some really dear friends. And yet due this cyber-world we interact in, some of these people I’ve never met, and may never meet face-to-face, but they’re just as important to me as those I actually know physically. You might not think God’s placed your name or face on my heart but there’s every possibility he has. The fact is we never know who God’s caused to think of, and pray for, us.

A Presently-Held Lie

We forget this ravenous truth all too easily as our nemesis is apt at telling us to our souls an altogether equally ravenous lie: “No one is thinking of or praying for me.”

So, in believing same, we shut down relationally—although, ironically, our external ‘appearances’ are still radiant in the shop windows of our hearts. Whilst the deeper we go into the store—into the heart itself—the more we find a forlorn mood and sense the smell of mothballs; a wholesome and resolute sadness attends.

We then sink into patterns of thinking that reinforce how lonely we feel.

Other people, however, do care about us, and despite this anyway, God does too—and, of course, we know about the latter. It just doesn’t make a lot of difference right now, does it? We can’t feel it.

The Prayer of Intercession

I believe the gift of intercession—the Spirit’s placing of pertinent people and issues on a believer’s heart for their prayer—like all gifts—is part of God’s call for every single God-fearer, although many won’t even consciously think about it this way. It’s simply a loving concern we have for others manifested in our common subliminal communication with God.

Whilst we feel lonely we’d do well to consider that God is so concerned about alleviating our loneliness that he’s placed us on people’s hearts—yes, right now as we read these words together.

Personally, I know there are people who need to hear this. Why? It’s because I need it myself, and more often than I’d like.

Loneliness comes in a million-and-one strains; but its effects and consequences are generally the same with us all. We all need the same therapy—body therapy; even if some of that therapy these days comes through cyberspace.

One Practical Thing to Solve Loneliness in the Moment

This is really quite simple. All it requires—and this shouldn’t be understated—is the courage to go out and interact with someone—anyone—with intent and conviction; to become part of their lives.

And we should always target someone we think might be even lonelier than we are.

We just simply reach out and love them. God then warms both hearts as a result.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

‘Getting Over’ Our Grief

I’ve often wondered how people get over their major life grief, learning to live in almost a clearly separate reality—one that most adamantly becomes two, from the context of the reconciled grief; the memory of beforehand and the reality of life afterward.

These are two equally resonant realities to live out.

And this is now my understanding—having reconciled at a personal level, as far as one reasonably can, an episode of grief on the major scale:

We were never supposed to ‘get over’ our grief, but simply accept the new reality—this effectively is good grief management; the end game.

Acceptance is Possible – ‘Getting Over’ “It” is Impossible

I find the very notion of ‘getting over’ grief and the loss of a much cherished loved one, marriage or anything else lost, totally and bizarrely preposterous.

Whilst getting to a level of acceptance appears possible—indeed, many, including myself, have arrived there—‘getting over’ grief and the harshest of losses, somehow conceives forgetting the cherished memory of the person or life situation—as if it never existed, or they or the situation wasn’t ever that important.

Acknowledging the Truth of ‘Importance’

The truth is, they or the life situation we grieve over was most important to us, and it will probably forever remain so.

These are facts of the heart we’re dealing with, not some flippant thing that bears no resemblance to actuality­—the absence of realism or importance. We can’t deny our feelings.

All people are touched by some sort of major grief at least once in their lives.

How do we rationalise it, compelling people to ‘get over’ their losses—it’s so cliché? Everyone knows it’s phony. We need a better answer­—one that makes sense—one that gives appropriate credence to the eternal value of our losses. God understands the impact of our losses. He knows us better than we even know ourselves.

Practical Matters of Acceptance

We live with our grief, best, in a funny place of acceptance.

At one level, we get there and we’re comfortable reminiscing and approaching the matters, but at another level we carry with us—at times, most often, for the rest of our lives—a tinge-like reminder of the meaning and pain we first had.

We retain it.

Indeed, this ironically—turned on its head—is a fantastic legacy.

We have something truly of God in this. The devil would have us deny the little and large chills of pain, hearkening us to a crutch. But God wants to comfort us in his embrace as we come close to this memorable pain, knowing him and honouring our loss, and better we are for embracing God and, hence, both realities.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Choices – Charting Our Way to Harmony

Every interaction and every day is sowing for us gains or losses as far as our relationships with others is concerned—and choice is behind everything.

Even the flimsiest of choices sets us on a path to the next event or circumstance, in its own trail of logic, as we consider these things in hindsight. No wonder all our relationships are either minutely succeeding or failing—from the perspective of the moment.

In simple terms every last thing we do is impacting our relationships either positively or negatively, never really neutrally.

In sporting terms we’re only as good as our last game. This is a general life truth that forces our hand to try. When we don’t try we ‘bow out’ via our choice. To try or not; both involve choice.

An Eternal Living Mandate

For all our relationships, today and tomorrow, we must strive past the urge to give in. All we need to do really is implement a sound mind, i.e. will, for the moment and once that’s done we can extract ourselves for the momentary rest or reflection activity we need—or whatever else.

In the moment, keep going.

Go on over that tumultuous hill with this difficult person or interpersonal situation right now.

Not only do we promote interpersonal harmony because we hold the moment, we gain the intrapersonal beneficence—and no less, peace—for preventing what could otherwise become a regrettable conflict.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Love Languages – Practical Considerations

Isn’t it irritating when we consider the theoretical and then ‘move on’ teasingly without engaging in the practicalities of the subject in question?

Many males (and I include myself very much in this) often forget that one of the major factors of stress in marriage or adult partnership, as far as women are concerned, is the issue of a lack of relational safety and security. Even Gen Y women, who are challenging many traditional gender stereotypes, want to be loved this way.

An approach of consistently consulting the love languages can do a great deal to engender more safety and security for women:

Words of Affirmation

è Send a lovely email every now and then, not to the point of monotony, but just to affirm your love.

è Affirming body language—the little encouragement—always works at the right time, especially to reinforce affirmative words.

è Writing a nice warm ‘n’ fuzzy sticky note and placing it under a pillow, in a lunchbox or at the desktop computer so it can be ‘found’ at a time when you’re not around.

Quality Time

è Spending discretionary time—even if it’s fifteen minutes—when it’s not expected can be very special.

è Blocking an afternoon out to surprise your partner (who you know is free) and pretending that the world has stopped still just for the two of you.

Physical Touch

è Soothing caresses on the lounge whilst watching television or a movie.

è Pressing in physically when reading the paper together, perhaps with a warm and sincere ‘peck’ on the cheek without prompting.

è Combining other forms of attention with a shoulder, back or upper arm rub.

è Foot massages! (Nothing more need be said.)

Acts of Service (Helps)

è Even the little things (especially) count. Doing the smallest (and big) thing around the house.

è Thinking and planning forward and doing something/anything to make life easier, especially when there are no strings attached.

Gift Giving

è Combined with any of the foregoing but done as a surprise, comes across appealing to those speaking the ‘gifts’ love language. Enter the double- and triple-whammy.

è Don’t discount freebies. Freebies given with thought and good timing are often the best of gifts. Normally people speaking the gifts love language are not materialistic at all.

è Chocolates, flowers and diamonds... in no particular order!

A Note on Intimacy

Intimacy as manifested in the warmth of our communications together is a great gauge of real satisfaction; sure, passion is important, but intimacy is the true rock of commitment, not passion. The right level of intimacy with spontaneity can also engender passion. Intimacy is at its core great communication—both verbal and non-verbal.

Recapturing intimacy is sometimes also an issue of recollecting the past—what it was about the early days that sent the love sparks hurtling through the air; even recalling those old dating and courtship stories.

Back to those love languages...

As we apply the love languages to our specific situations we can always find special ways of loving our partners, loved ones, and indeed even our work colleagues—i.e. everyone we’re blessed to know at a deeper level.

There’s no excuse not to love everyone we can—especially those we know well.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

The Practicalities of Loneliness

“Try saying the word aloud several times in a sorrowful voice: ‘Loneliness... loneliness... loneliness...’ The very word has a melancholy ring to it. It represents pain for many people.”

~Robert Bolton, People Skills, p. 5.

Loneliness describes what we’ve all felt—indeed, it could be what we’re even feeling presently. It is beyond simple ‘aloneness,’ for that could simply be chosen. ‘Loneliness’ has about it a void, apart from its own will.

Loneliness is usually present in cases of lost love or an absence of love.

Many cases of social and mental ills are attributable solely to lost and absent loves—communication, or lack thereof, being central to all this.

Stinging Loneliness

I have on my mind presently a person who’s recently lost a son. In other words, family—from simply my perception on things, which is surely different to this other person’s viewpoint—has been decimated; the dynamics forever shifted off-axis.

Lost love. Some love can never return and that, for me, is incredibly sad.

At these times it’s difficult to know when or if ever the sun will break through again; again to fill our lives with hope that was once—more or less—taken for granted.

General Loneliness

Some people wake up one morning suddenly realising they’ve been alone for years, even decades. For these, the sudden realisation can provoke either startling or freeing emotions—one presenting fear, the other presenting courage to do something.

Contributors to Loneliness

Whatever it is about loneliness, none of us really like it.

And yet, increasingly we’re growing lonelier. I wonder at times if the growing social networking programs like Facebook and Twitter etc are exacerbating this or not; drawn to the computer in preference to the more real communication of our flesh and blood family members and peers, even preferring the electronic media as a means of interaction with them.

It’s just a thought.

But, then again, if there is that tug in our souls and this rings true, surely we could retrieve the courage to make that shift we’ve possibly been long thinking about—certainly subconsciously.

What, presently, can we do to engage with others—real church, real people, real interaction, real fellowship—that will fill the void of loneliness in us?

Perhaps our electronic social networking is a safe place for us—a place where we can’t or won’t possibly become hurt, per the risks of ‘body’ fellowship.

Do we need to get out more? Perhaps this is why volunteers seem happier; it usually involves interaction with people.

These are questions all of us must inevitably ask ourselves from time to time.

Beyond the ‘Solution’

As a man I have to remind myself every now and then to stop ‘fixing’ things and merely come to a deeper understanding i.e. to allow that to occur.

Some loneliness we can never ‘fix’ and it would be false of us to even entertain it. This is why my relationship with God is so important. At least when I’m lonely—which happens often enough—I have a Saviour to help me.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

The Hurt Relationship – Breaking Past the Silence

“[This song talks about] an inability of people to communicate with each other; and not particularly internationally, but especially emotionally, so that what you see around you is people who are unable to love each other.”

~Art Garfunkel, speaking about the song, Sound of Silence.

Love, here, is communication. It is the manifestation of love, proving it exists in that moment, via the medium of communication.

Hearing Garfunkel speak through the idea behind the Sound of Silence we can get the distinct impression he’s been hurt by the silences within his own life. He’s also possibly incredibly emotionally mature and compassionate about it, in this moment. Beneath these words I hear almost the authority of a university-style lecture; his words echoing a wisdom not normally founded—as a rule—in the musical arts.

His words portray a gravity of God’s lament i.e. whenever we give up, being hurt as we are, on our relationships.

When a New ‘Dark’ Juncture has Arrived

Times like these we see communication has all but ended and silence is welcomed indefinitely; the signs of love resonantly absent. There is a harsh void to contend with and there’s really no easy way back. Perhaps one party is willing, but it always takes ‘two to tango,’ doesn’t it?

This is such a woeful outcome. We were never really meant to place ourselves and our own hurts above those issues of others’, disregarding their thoughts and feelings. But in our weaknesses we inevitably do at times.

Striving Above the Hurt to Reconcile

Like you, I’m sure, I’m caused to at times lament not simply my own role in the sordid affairs of my common relationship upsets, but more plainly and simply, just the fact that there is conflict. I generally hate it; I—like your good self too, again, I’m sure—just hate hurting people or being the instrument of someone’s hurt, whether I’m fairly the problem or not.

These burning urges of sorrowful scorn fold in on themselves and they berate us—whether we can or should do anything more or not. I liken this to how God must feel when he’s left the ninety-nine to look for the one stray sheep (see Luke 15). One poor relationship tends to consume our thoughts more than ten really great ones put together.

And this is good; that we feel this way.

It’s not good that we have the relationship pain to deal with but it is good that we’re motivated, concerned, and even anguished. Inevitably, all will go well for us with our relationships—give or take—whilst we have these sorts of cares. We’ll ‘get in’ and do whatever we can.

We really have to ask ourselves, and often, “Where is there silence in our relational lives that is screaming out at us to address it?”

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.