Battling Pornography’s Mysterious Allure

One humble search of the Internet, using search terms like “private moment” and “delicious love,” reveals numerous images that sweep an unassuming, though perhaps naive, mind into a volley of temptation.

What is it about images or descriptions of naked bodies, bodily poses, or sexual acts that transfixes the human mind to consider entering the web of temptation?

Analysing such a question may help or it may not. But it’s clear that, when it comes to pornography, whether hard or soft—at any level where the mind is involved in lust—there is no allowable space for experimentation; for, like moths testing the flames, our wings will inevitably be burned, and we may fall into an incineration beyond immediate repair.

Touching A Mystery

Much of the gripping allure enfolded in sexual sin is, perhaps, common to the allure evoked in broader temptation; alcohol, other drugs, gambling, etc. There is something mysterious, and altogether captivating, in this thing that connives and coerces us.

The truth is such mysteries cannot be touched.

To touch them is to be, potentially, drawn into a sinkhole; the whirlpool effect drags us down quicker and quicker; the trouble is we don’t know when such a pull will start. Much of temptation works this way. We convince ourselves for promises of pleasure, perhaps, in a way, ‘well earned’. There is always some strange justification and, as we look back in retrospect, it proves as folly.

The truth is there is no justification for being drawn into sin. And whilst it’s true, much sin we get away with, in practical terms, some sin will take us to a rapid, uncompromising demise. Sexual sin is a graphic case at point. It only gets worse.

Quickening The Response

Anyone putting themselves above and beyond any particular sin is, without spiritual doubt, placing themselves in the Land of Pride; that which precedes many a fall.

The only real protection we have against the mysterious allure of pornography is the quickened response—to be ever mindful, as we approach anything attractive, that an about-turn, to repent in the moment, is the only good way.

The quicker our mind works in determining the presence of such threats, and the quicker our hearts join in, informing the mind to turn decisively back toward God, the better it is for us.

***

We cannot afford to entertain the slightest temptation regarding pornography. Any nakedness or sexual imagery, anything similarly written, or anything in general that sparks feelings of attracted lust is a warning—don’t go there... not one more step... turn back now.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

When Love Hurts

We bring more of ourselves to love than we realise. That is, more of who we are deep down underneath is brought to bear upon our love, as is the deep-down-underneath nature of our partners.

When two such worlds collide, as they do in romance, love can become a symphony of blessing or, equally, the source of great pain. The truth of love: sometimes it works out; sometimes it doesn’t:

“Sometimes it lasts in love,

but sometimes it hurts instead.”

~Adele, Someone Like You (2011)

There are always discernible causes for love that ends, but pity the one who, in their ignorance, puts themselves beyond their relationship ending. Many have learned to rue such pride—to have thought their relationships were protected, somehow, from breakage when, in fact, they weren’t.

A World With No Guarantees

Despite assurances of commitment, that the relationship will endure any hardship, and that divorce is not an option, time is the great definer in the conquest for relational intimacy to truly endure.

Commitment is found to wax and wane over time; and whether it waxes sufficiently or is left to wane, at times too much, is up to each couple and each individual within that couple. One thing we can ‘rely’ on, though, is the mysterious phenomenon known to things outside of our control.

Anyone who feels their relationship is beyond trouble, disrepair, or final breakage is fooling only themselves. Things may still end badly.

Doing What Can Be Done

Granted that we have less control over our relational lives than we would like, it begs us to do the diligent work we can to protect, and provide for, our relationships. The amount of work we put in is commensurate upon the amount the relationship means to us and maintenance it needs. But we should also be reminded of the waxing and waning nature of all relationships; all relationships need nurture, ongoing care and attention.

Doing what can be done also relates to those times when love has ended badly; when things have gone beyond disrepair and into an irredeemable abyss.

When love hurts, and love’s executioner, grief, has entered the scene, there is a new thing to be done—a thing we never want to do, but something we must. A process of grief has commenced. Getting back at our betraying partners won’t solve our personal malady. No, only our fullest attention to the details of our grief will do that—that, with time.

***

Nothing hurts so much as love gone wrong. It happens to all of us in many ways. Worse, it occurs at the ending of a long-term partnership. And the process of grief begins; a process we need to attend to if we wish to be healthy again.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

When Love Becomes Intimacy

Being ‘in love’ is not the same as an ‘act’ of love, which bears itself positively over the moment. This is the toughest challenge for any couple. Each day fresh beginnings of love-in-action must be initiated, and negativity recanted, both of which lead to intimacy, if the relationship is to move, or continue moving, forward.

Love occurs as a selfless act, joining to itself with other selfless acts. Love, hence, is faithful—the action. Love never ‘infects’ us sufficiently that are won completely in effect to it. We so often fail love—when we fail to act in love.

The act of love is brilliance, securing devotees left, right and centre. We glimpse this as we get it right, because often we’re failing, which is a reminder from the Holy Spirit which owns this thing: we’re not ‘there’ yet. It’s a safe, productive reminder.

A Charter of Intent

The growth and atrophy of relational love occur slowly. Like organisational culture changes, changes within love occur at a rate barely visible. We fail to recognise such slow change; the only thing that works for us is continual intent. Patience ushers and nurtures love.

Intent: it’s all about intent; a calm, patient intent focused on the outcome of intimacy.

As love commences with intent, manifesting itself via action, the intent is therefore known when it becomes observable behaviour. As intent underpins love, so loving behaviour underpins intimacy.

The charter of loving intent has its purpose set on creating intimacy.

The Embrace of Intimacy

Does anything build or characterise intimacy better than the unadorned well-meant act of love? And it is intimacy that finds its home most of all in love; the intimacy of trust, of comfort, of faithfulness and unity. Of the triangular model of love (passion, intimacy and commitment) it is intimacy that sees love blossom most reliably, favouring love’s capacity warmly.

The embrace of intimacy is the hands-on way of assuring relationships beyond the struggles that assert themselves over the gaunt seasons many partnerships endure. It is the relationship’s safety. Intimacy is seen here, also, to fortify commitment.

This one quality of love is best at ensuring that our fresh beginnings of love are not so abruptly felt; that there’s a silky flow of love resplendent through the relationship’s journey.

***

Being ‘in love’ is overrated. Being continually willing and able to love is far superior. Love is the intentional action and intimacy is the felt effect. First we give of ourselves, so trust and closeness can be advanced. Love finishes with intimacy—the basis of joyous, committed relationship.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Image Credit: Fajridet.

More Peace

Almost everybody wants more peace in their lives, but the paradox remains: to gain more peace we must live, think and strive less. Less is more.

We must covet less, dilute our focus less, and worry less, for example.

Covet Less

In a world absorbed with temptations toward pleasure there is voluminous opportunity to partake—the world’s our oyster, but there are too many oysters! There’s a classic irony involved in the acquisition of nice things to have and do. More, in this way, is less. More choice leads to less innate satisfaction.

This formula for understanding life—that having more choice lessens our peace, because we tend to covet more than one choice, producing indecisiveness and buyer’s remorse—is a boon for us if we will humble ourselves to the causes of self-discipline.

The less we want, the more peace we’ll achieve.

Dilute Our Focus Less

Building on the previous point, we can see that many options tend to dilute our focus; not only is that producing indecisiveness, but our more focused goals—those engendering us toward our purpose—will not be achieved as we had originally intended. This will end in our frustration. Frustration leads us along the road to torment, farther from peace.

When there is clarity of purpose, and a real sense of focus, there is peace enough to both function and enjoy. Functioning is essential; enjoyment is desirable. When our purpose is scattered, a focus indiscernible, we enjoy less and less and functioning becomes a challenge. Peace warrants us the ability to function, first, then to enjoy.

Worry Less

We know that worrying less gets us more peace. But that is easier said than done in this complex life. There can seem no end for things to worry about.

Worrying might be less about having faith and hope than it is about steadying the mind in preference for the moment; not allowing it to swim off into the uncontrollable future, or fret for past regrets.

Worrying less is the disciplined application of not caring about uncontrollable matters. In some ways, it rewards the courage to leave the imagination as it is, not focusing on it, for lack of evidence. Why worry about non-truths; those things that may never happen? Again, it’s easier said than done. But we must at least attempt to try worrying less. The more we try the better we get at it.

***

Making solid choices, advancing our goals, and focusing on the moment all engender peace. Enjoying more peace is about coveting less, diluting our focus less, and worrying less.

Less is more in the field of peace. More peace is found in enjoying less, thinking less, and striving less. Peace is found in the quiet comfort of little want and abundant situational acceptance.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

The Fruits of Trust, Intimacy and Fairness

We cannot trust ourselves to feelings of incessant betrayal—not unless we want relational death by insanity. Expectations of fairness in the world are, therefore, fraught with the danger of abject disappointment.

“Fairness” is a very unequal quality, implicit of partiality; each individual chooses how fair their world is, from their experience, and how fair they’ll be, often in response to their perception of how equitable the world is.

Not many people are fairer with their external world than their perception of the world’s fairness to them. That’s the principle of reciprocity for you.

A Classic Irony – Fairness With The Unfair

Those most unfair in their discharge of life generally see themselves as unfairly treated—in the main. Those with the most complaints typically don’t see how unfair they are being. The forest is too thick with trees to see all those wooden tree trunks!

This false perception is based in a lack of responsibility to accept the rub of an impartial life in maturity. And life is impartial—the same odds for “unfairness” exist as constants of potential. Loss, change and grief can come to anyone, any time.

Life isn’t unfair, but it does seem unfair to many people. And in many cases that assessment is fair enough, given the struggles through the grief process we all need to make in adjusting to the distresses of life. Four out of the five grief stages are negative. The grief process is unfair. But that’s life; and life for all.

It’s up to us whether we’ll choose effective or dysfunctional strategies, though.

Because there are many whom have chosen dysfunctional strategies we can expect them to deflect their distresses onto us—usually inexplicably. In other words, there is no recourse with them regarding these deflections. It seems unfair to us, but never fairer to them who have to endure ‘the most unfairness’ in the world.

Enter The Boundaries Of Trust

Our protection in maintaining our emotional equilibrium is to:

1. Understand and accept the above phenomenon; and,

2. Wisely plan the institution of boundaries.

When we come to expect varying forms of fairness and unfairness within our relationships, accepting same, we are set up for satisfaction beyond our treatment.

We are best, however, planning upon reasonable boundaries of trust so as to provide for that emotional equilibrium we all need.

Boundaries of trust really are sensible constraints we place on our relationships, governing the issuing of intimacy; we let fairer people have more latitude, giving them more of our intimacy—which is relational freedom and honesty; the sense of ease. Those we have unfair experience with shouldn’t be allowed such latitude. They haven’t earned that level of intimacy or trust.

***

When our trust goes to those who seem fair, it’s rewarded; as is caution regarding those who seem unfair. We trust only those with our intimacy who have proven worthy of that trust.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Love Thy Adversaries

There is an old saying that adversaries do not make us weak or strong, but they reveal what we are—our responses to negativity and outright attack are, therefore, learning opportunities; if we wish to learn more about ourselves as a platform for learning more about God.

***

People may think there are no enemies but in times of war. This is not true; anyone we have an adversarial relationship/rapport with is an enemy/adversary. These people we are more or less in constant conflict with are there, strangely enough, for our benefit—and for theirs, also, if they wish to partake in the exercise of self-learning.

We benefit more from the adversary than we do from relating with our wistfully easy friends; for with an adversary we’re gaining constant feedback about both our instinctual and considered responses to the problems of life.

Viewing Adversaries In A Different Way

This thought doesn’t come naturally, and it may never do—but the more we consciously think on this the more it will profit us and keep us from harm.

The thought is this: If I appreciate I still have much to learn about myself I can love my adversary because they will show me more about my real self than anyone or anything else.

Our rapport with adversaries will create within us discomfort and the temptation of fight-or-flight. This discomfort and fight-or-flight experience is nothing, really, about the adversary at all; it’s about us, and about how God has wired us. It’s a vital fact to find, and to know, and to accept. Who would we be, in being clay, to criticise the Potter?

We are who we are—much of this we cannot, and should not want to, change.

Better Self-Knowledge Is Better God-Knowledge

This is our ultimate goal: to know God. A constant barrier regarding the knowledge of God, and the enjoyment of his Presence, are the many conscious distractions we must deal with. The more we can cause these distractions to be less distractive, the more we will enjoy God.

The case in point: if our adversaries are less of a threat to us, we have more usable conscious-thinking space to muse on God in our moments—any and all of them. Additionally, when our adversaries are no longer problematic, because we appreciate their true purpose in refining us, we can thank God more often. When our adversaries cannot defeat us and are there for our betterment we are the victors.

Adversaries and relationships with conflict reveal the real us; the portion of the person God wants us to know and accept. It’s not God’s will for us to run from this truth.

We love our adversaries for the value they bring to our lives in meaningful reflection; for what they show us about ourselves—our responses and reactions. It is truth too good to pass up.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Grace Never Fails

Imagine this inviting scenario:

Welcome!

Bring what you are, with what you have; there are no expectations of you, of works while you are here; just whatever you can or want to contribute. You can neither contribute too much nor too little. There are no comparisons here; no judgments, either. Please, relax.

Just come, and stay as long as you want, just exactly as you are, perfectly imperfect like the rest of us, and still you will be ever welcome.

Paradoxically, even though there’s no invitation or challenge to growth or learning, people find such an environment—where consummate freedom reigns—encourages them never more implicitly. Most want to actualise themselves.

There is a concept found in this sort of place; one word: grace. It’s what a lot of churches have hit on (though many, also, haven’t)—the golden elixir of Christ’s Spirit pervading every corner, every conversation, every interaction; it’s the philosophy of connection.

The Love In Grace Never Fails

Consistent with the teaching of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:8 (“Love never fails”), situations in life that capture the foreboding and unreserved sense of forgiveness, come what may, are just exactly what the hurt and hungry and lonely and tired pilgrims—all of us!—need.

Those people that the church really reaches out to, and everybody else, can connect only where there is no inflection for judgment, criticism, or intolerance.

But this is a message beyond church. It’s a message that needs to be heard, and no less felt, in every home, in every workplace, on every street corner, within every business, in shopping malls, and inside great big sporting stadiums, also.

There is plenty of room for everybody. There is plenty of opportunity to go around. There is abundance enough for all people to feel fulfilled.

Sowing Unity In The World

Who is it that creates the above sense of tolerant diversity and connection?

Who else but you and I? Who else can make a difference? We can no more orchestrate the changing of a gentle breeze a tenth of a degree than we can change the mind of one other person. Yet, we persist in trying, maddening as that agenda is.

When we convey that there is plenty of room to be shared and opportunity for everyone, we abide by the truth and God blesses that every time.

In no better way do we glorify God than in welcoming people to: share in opportunities; to take up some of our space; relate with us in harmony; reciprocate our heartfelt smiles.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Love In A World of Conflict

This is what we all seek: the most generic form of harmony, which for ease of understanding we’ll call “love,” to ensure our passage through life is as meaningful and dignified as possible. There is, however, a nemesis: conflict. Such dissonance comes in many forms, in numerous ways, and at varying times. The presence of conflict impacts on our trust; but love rebuilds broken trust.

Let us first be clear as to the scope of such love. It means peace, joy, understanding, empathy, patience, compassion, thanksgiving, faithfulness, humility... in sum, virtue or, the Fruit of the Spirit. The best of life is lived for love.

And since we have declared, upfront, what love is to mean, we should be so forthright regarding conflict. This means unreasonable fear, envy, relational conflict, mistrust, harshness, ignorance, arrogance, pride, and anything that causes harm or has harmful potential; any conflict from within or without.

Love – The Universal Need

Everyone needs love. It is the universal human need. Though many have had to learn to live without it—by their circumstances, upbringing, or experience—they have long given up hope of living without conflict, so much has conflict defined their lives. Conflict has hardened them; it’s seared their consciences. This is one reason we need never give up speaking in forms of love by our action toward everyone, especially to those haters who have not had personal and transforming knowledge or experience of love, yet.

This “love” that we speak in forms of love by our action is the gospel message. Everyone needs to hear it through our actions; via our patience, understanding, empathy, humility, and compassion, etc; especially through our handling of bitterness, deceit, grief, betrayal, disappointment, frustration, anxiousness, etc.

Love harmonises hurt.

And we, ourselves, need it. No matter what our lives have been, are currently, or look to become, we need either a sufficient absence of conflict or tools to manage the conflict within our minds and within our worlds that threaten love. The more we accept that conflict will be part of our world, the more we are impelled to develop those tools that assist us to draw on a holy God who gives abundant love, and such safety of mind and heart, sumptuously.

Love – It Starts At Home

By “home,” it’s meant that love must start from us, personally, as we love ourselves by drawing on God’s fundamental love for us, in order to experience the inner happiness of joy. Then within our homes we practice love. We find ways of accentuating love and diminishing the presence of conflict, whilst somehow also welcoming it. Conflict will always be part of our world—it should be allowed to exist at tension, and harmoniously, with love. We should not fear the presence of conflict.

When love finds its home in us, love begins to ripple out into our world. Not every barrier will be overcome, but many still will be.

***

We must never give up on the hope that love can characterise our lives more than conflict. Working hard to establish love is life’s greatest conquest and accomplishment.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

The Importance of Emotions in Learning

It’s commonly acknowledged in psychology circles that infants and small children need repetitiveness to develop strong neural pathways within the brain. These are crucial in later life for the acquisition of all sorts of concrete skills.

The Best Environments and Settings for Learning

Another thing that is important to note about learning, especially with children, is the timing of learning.

We’re told not to hurry them, not to engage them in learning whilst they’re in a distressed state, and to make learning as interesting and stimulating as we can.

Learning should be a positive experience.

The staid classroom environment is no longer considered the only, or best even, place in which to learn. Often the best places to learn are out in the big world touching, feeling and exploring with our senses. The younger the child, the more relevant this is.

Sure, it makes sense for us adults as we reflect on our school experiences. There’s reason for the increase in home schooling these days, which is not to say that school need be a negative setting for learning — many times it isn’t.

The challenge for parents, grandparents, teachers, and all adults — for we never stop learning — is to find the right environment and the right time to implement learning. Otherwise we’ll tend to waste our time.

It’s not so much what we learn that’s most at stake, but the desire to grow voracious learners within our children, and ourselves, that’s the key.

Not Just for the Kids

As parents or guardians and teachers we should be in less of a hurry to push children in our charge to reach predicted milestones, and be more focused on deepening the actual learning experience.

If we’ll utilise this method not only will we learn more ourselves, as people, we’ll enjoy it all the more, too. Less depression will result. More experiences will be joy-filled. And we may also find our passions.

Finally we’ll discover an internal elixir: God will be known in the learning.

Learning is the secret to life. When we find a passion and fall in love with it, learning becomes instinctual. Learning is a lifelong exercise. Further, learning is a life exercise, for when we’re learning we’re truly alive.

The best news is it’s never too late to start.

The simplest, most powerful opportunity before us, the thing to ward away many illnesses of the mind and heart, is the quest for learning. To learn is to keep moving forward. Learning is life. It’s an investment for emotional wellbeing and spiritual prosperity.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

When the Warning Bell Tolls

Restlessness comes to all relationships and in particular to one partner or another at select times. As scary as these times are—when we suddenly realise our relationships have been taken too long for granted, as all seem to be on occasion—in blows the cool and sprightly breeze of opportunity. It’s not too late.

The opportunist will take such a prospect and open the imagination to what is needed. The partner that is deaf to the toll of that bell, however, stands to lose that love; as if two ships passing silently in the night.

Who’d Be A Deaf Man?

Known once for my inconsolable deafness, I can well appreciate, personally, the skill men have, in particular, for relational deafness. Some men, maybe many, need the metaphorical whack with a two-by-four plank in order to fully comprehend where their relationships are at.

But it may just be that these men’s female partners, equally, lack the decorum of manufacturing the circumstances that may facilitate their listening—not always, but sometimes. Where there are communicative barriers it is rarely the fault of just one person; one may be deaf to the need of the other, but the other may not be communicating in the right language, at the right times, or in the right ways.

Effort is required of both.

We may well ask who’d be a deaf man, but it is just as apt to ask why be an ignored woman? Some women may be looking for an out; a sufficient excuse to make an end of a relationship, of its own, petering out.

Where There’s A Listener, There’s Also A Second Chance

The most inspiring relationships are those where partners battled awkward, depressing, challenging seasons—some that lasted months or even a year or two—and emerged, having travelled through hell, to enjoy a much more intimate and committed future with their partners.

Such success stories are not all that uncommon; just as it took two to allow the relationship to fall into disrepair, it took two to stick together, through thick and thin, and hoping beyond inactive hope for the goodness and blessing to come.

The key when the warning bell tolls is the adroitness of listening; even a listener who doesn’t know the answer, and is confused beyond rationality, stands to gain, because they prove to their partner that their heart is in this by their effort. They see a struggle, yet their commitment compels the availability of every resource to listen and learn.

***

Many relationships end because warnings weren’t heeded. What’s required is a communicative style by one, and a listening ear from the other. Commitment is proven when the warnings are heard and change is genuinely attempted. So often all we wish to see is effort. Then we’re convinced it’s worth it.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.