In an institution demanding
maturity for its success, marriage and romantic partnership is not just an
institution but a process for
revealing our immaturities and inadequacies. And we’re all revealed; marriage,
just like parenting, undoes even the most together of people.
And if there’s one area where the
undoing takes place it’s in the pettiness we either insist upon or put up with.
Pettiness Begets Pettiness
Much like any common relational
sin, when one begins being petty, drawing in unimportant issues or those
irrelevant to the discussion, dissuading the focus of the gathering conflict,
it’s a hidden invitation for the other are join in. It’s like, ‘If you’re
allowed to bring in such superfluous things, so am I!’ And so begins the one-upmanship.
What happens here, of course, is
that one slinks back into the child state and unconsciously invites the other
to join them, fighting as if they were eight-year-olds scrapping on the floor.
It resembles a tennis match, as each has their turn at sending a winner past
their opponent (their partner).
Yet, this is one game where there
are no winners. Even if one wins the stoush, the relationship loses.
The only way such conflict stops
is when one partner refuses to partake in issues of irrelevant or unimportant pettiness.
They refuse to become intimidated. And in that, they’re the ones that redeem
the adult power; though it seems they’re giving in, so long as they refuse to
become upset, they’ve won, because the relationship has been relieved of falling
into the ridiculous.
Insisting Upon Or Putting Up With
The aggressor and the submitter do
themselves and their marriages few favours by behaving the way they do. When
people insist on their pettiness they constrict any room the relationship would
have of harmony, because of their selfishness. When people put up with others’
pettiness they, too, do their relationships no favours; they’re allowing the setting
of, or maintaining of, dangerous precedents.
The midway between the aggressor
and the submitter is the asserter. They quietly refuse to partake in the
irrelevant, sticking on-point themselves, whilst calling the other to gentle
account—to justify actual things said; to ensure the taking of adult
responsibility. And that’s all that’s required; patiently staying on track and
being respectful, and climbing above the temptation to lose patience.
It only takes one patient,
resilient asserter in a marriage, one that wisely steers conflict from the
rocks into safe waters, by staying calmly and respectfully on point, and noting
before things get out of control to
weigh anchor, to deal with an irrational partner. (And we all present as
irrational from time to time.)
***
Pettiness takes the best of
marriages and relationships and reduces them to a schoolyard level in a flash. Staying
on point, and keeping to what’s relevant, is a discipline of the patient
asserter, one who resists the temptation to fight dirty and maintains respect.
© 2012 S. J. Wickham.
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