APOLOGY is one of the most powerful
ways of reconciling a struggling relationship.
Saying sorry is about one person
taking the low ground for the benefit of the relationship. That person takes
responsibility to love the other, given that love gives. Saying sorry is the gift of a second chance for the
relationship.
Apology is about saying, I want
more intimacy, trust or comfort with you, and I’m prepared to work for it.
Putting two allied concepts
together, this short article should equip you to say your very best apology.
These two concepts are the five languages of apology,[1]
and the seven A’s of confession.[2]
This is a good model apology:
I am sorry for what I did. I
understand it hurt you in [insert reasons] this particular way. I want to make
it up to you by doing [a particular restorative action]. I promise not to do it
again. Can you please forgive me?
This apology has elements to
satisfy everyone’s ‘language’ of apology. Some need to simply hear the words,
I’m sorry. Others need to know we understand what we did wrong. Some want some
sort of restitution — are you going to make it right? Others again need to know
there won’t be a repeat of the offense. Finally, some want the opportunity to
forgive. By making an apology covering every language, we ensure the apology
has its best chance of effect.
The seven A’s of confession are a
way of demonstrating sincerity and thoroughness; the heart of apology. We need
to address everyone affected by our
wrong actions. Avoiding the words
if, but and maybe ensure the apology is potently unconditional; no excuses. Admitting the specifics of what was
done wrong is so important to demonstrate we understand the issue(s), and we
have the courage to name it. Acknowledging
the hurt we caused allows us to express sorrow for having caused it. Accepting the consequences means we
understand and agree with the justice required; no excuses. Promising to alter our behaviour in future helps
them to consider trusting us again. Asking
for forgiveness grants the other person power to acquit us should they choose
to.
This
apology by former
Olympian, Marion Jones, is a great example of a confession covering the seven
A’s. As you watch it, notice how you feel? Jones is convincing, isn’t she?
There’s power in her presence because her heart is behind it. She really is
repentant.
[1] Chapman, G. & Thomas, J. Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your
Relationships. Chicago: Northfield, 2006.
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