Do you know if, when, how and why you’re being groomed?

This is not a creepy nor is it a cynical article.  Please be assured of that, even if at some point as you’re reading it you feel it is heading that way.  What I want to show you is a truth about life in just about every relationship we have.

We all exercise influence in all our relationships.  This can be both positive in loving ways, and negative in abusive ways.

In some (perhaps many) relationships we allow ourselves to be groomed.  Take the romantic relationship, for one very positive example.  Or perhaps you’re being groomed for a promotion.  Or maybe you are groomed for an unsaid purpose, and maybe you don’t know for sure you’re being groomed, but you feel that’s the case, and sometimes it can be a very positive thing.  Maybe you aspire to increase your influence in a particular community, and you see others higher up than you are paving the way.  You feel that things are on the up for you.  Of course, sometimes these unspoken things leave you feeling creeped out, and you just want to depart from the relationship.  Perhaps you prefer more transparency, and that’s okay because most people prefer that.

Whilst there are many different forms of grooming, not all of them bad, let’s spend the rest of the time in this space focusing on things we need to discern, as we create protection for ourselves and others so we don’t find ourselves in perilous places.

Here are a few situations where grooming foreseeably happens:

Þ           a young woman is told how greatly attractive she is and is favoured in extravagant ways before ultimately being ‘offered’ a ‘very exclusive’ role as an actress or model – sounds glamorous, doesn’t it?  Until there’s the need for her to feel decidedly compromised.  She’s very possibly about to be sexually exploited, and that’s just the beginning!  There are just so many situations where women, and particularly young women are taken advantage of, but that is not to say that men aren’t also, because they are

Þ           your family is welcomed by another family or a community, and whilst it might seem wonderful on some levels, perhaps as time goes on you may notice special attention being paid to one of your children, or perhaps your children in general, or perhaps your spouse, or maybe it is yourself — don’t be flattered into being deceived (i.e. this is just how affairs can often start!).  Know that, if one of your family members is being groomed, you also as an adult are being groomed, too.  The groomer’s goal is to create for themselves a very favourable persona, which is all part of the grooming process.  And that is just part of their elaborate scheme.  It is manipulative deception at every level.  Special attention paid is a red flag, and not every glowing welcome is authentic

Þ           a person notices you and perhaps from hindsight you can see it, that they have a plan for you, which is not necessarily the plan you would have for yourself.  If they were transparent about their plan for you it would be a grooming you would know and could even be complicit about, but if they do it in secret, they are manipulating you even as they groom you.  What may feel like love is an abuse

Þ           a person wants to be our friend, and they make a special effort to accommodate us in every way, which we don’t mind, because we feel special.  If we are wise, we will watch out, because if we are being treated as special, more special than we should be, it should be as a red flag to us

Þ           let’s not leave out the scenario of online grooming, which happens easier and far more efficiently than any other grooming we can think of, because words can sound so sweet, and all of us are potentially very easily deceived.  Much too often we can be manipulated online as we agree to doing things that we should not (and would not ordinarily) otherwise agree to do.  Of course, an online relationship, though it feels real, in so many ways just cannot be real, and that in itself is a red flag

There are so many other situations that I could write on, but I will leave it at that for the time being. Grooming happens every day, everywhere, continuously.  It is a good thing to be aware.

It is wise in life to have a default approach where we don’t trust anyone and everyone.  It is not being disobedient to God to have such an approach, indeed we could say that it is being as wise as a serpent whilst being innocent as a dove, because as we are sent out into this world, we go out as sheep among wolves.  Jesus himself warned us about this in Matthew 10:16.

This life, particularly as a Christian, is best lived holding the tensions of being wise as a serpent AND innocent as a dove.  Both-and.  We can learn how we are to trust within a specific relational dynamic without giving such an unconditional trust that we leave ourselves open to betrayal and abuse.  This is the employment of wisdom and discernment as they operate in unison to protect us and our loved ones from venturing into territory where angels may fear to tread.

You are never disobeying God by holding out on your trust of others where you discern something isn’t quite right.  Everyone, as a person of God, has been given the keys to the Kingdom to discern their safety.  Indeed, God desperately wants you to know when to say no, and your Lord will equip you even as you seek wisdom (James 1:5).  Did you hear that?  Anyone, especially any Christian leader, who suggests that you don’t trust them enough as an individual, or worse demands that trust, is someone to be watchful about.  That’s another red flag, and every Christian leader should be aware of this.  Manipulation is not a spiritual gift!

When anyone says to us, “You need to trust me more,” they are being manipulative.  If they were genuine in their concern about our lack of trust, they would use a different method, for instance, by endeavouring to build trust by being more trustworthy and less controlling, which is ironically about being less demanding, not more demanding.  Nobody has the right to control you.

Grooming by definition is a counterfeit love full of deceit that is bent on betrayal.  What is presented as love in grooming is set on murder.  It is not a bad thing to imagine predators are everywhere, because those who aren’t shouldn’t mind proving that they aren’t.  It’s sad that this is the world we live in, but it is better to be safe than very sorry.  No Christian leader worth their salt will besmirch you the right to insist on your own safety and that of your loved ones.

Photo by Todd Trapani on Unsplash