Clarity within the confusion of an abusive relationship

Crazy making gets a new definition when a person enters a relationship with a person who diminishes just about every facet of their life.  Give it a year or three and you’ll see if the person you’re in a relationship with is abusive — it hardly ever occurs in the first winsome months.

But begin saying no or putting up sensible boundaries and you’ll attract their ire — it’s either visible rage or a seething withdrawal.  You’ll know it by your reluctance to say no, by your need to give them their own way.

Once the bear is poked it is incited and there is always payback.  As you look back their unreasonableness is clear like 20/20 hindsight.  It is so clear as you look back.

Then you have to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for the fact that you wasted so much time — good months and years — with someone who never deserved your empathy, patience, kindness and grace.  It’s not deserved because it was never extended to you; these beautiful character traits were only ever required of you.  And that’s not love.

When you’re in a relationship that always feels like where there’s a problem it’s your fault, you’re constantly aware that while they look like an adult in physical stature, they’re actually more like a 5-8-year-old in character.  But being a ‘big person’ they will feel like they must master you to project the feeling for both them and you that they’re in control — over the relationship and over you.  You know this when they reward you for obeying their will and when they punish you for disobeying.

Their love is punctuated by control — which isn’t love.  It is highly conditional.  It is a ‘deserved’ love and that actually means it’s not love at all.

It can take a long while to overcome the thinking that says:

§     “It’s okay, they’ll change.”  They probably won’t.

§     “It’s probably in some way my fault.”  No, it isn’t your fault.  Their abuse is their choice.

§     “I really need to be certain before I choose to leave the relationship.”  Empathise with yourself.  You don’t need any more pressure on you as to when to make that choice.  But you also know it probably won’t change.

§     “I’m really not sure what to think.”  Remember that abusive relationships are all about crazy making.  Being constantly confused is a sign you’re in a toxic relationship.

Photo by Tiago Bandeira on Unsplash