Conflict is like getting bogged in the sand

Today I was involved in the testing of eight prototype firefighting trucks that were being trialled in off-road conditions.  As we intentionally pushed every vehicle beyond its limits, the inevitable outcome was that these powerful trucks would get bogged in the soft sand.  While the recoveries were both fun and hard work, I couldn’t help but muse with one of the firefighters with me just how much getting bogged in the sand resembles conflict.

Conflict is like getting bogged in the sand.

Getting bogged in conflict can happen suddenly, but it can also have been predicted.  It’s like a vehicle that was moving well through the sand, but then slows as it begins to lose traction (the warning), and tyres sink into the sand instantly.  But getting bogged in the soft sand could always have been predictable—just the same, conflict is inevitable in relationships.  And just like becoming bogged in the sand, conflict can descend into indifference and anger quickly.

When you suddenly find your wheels are spinning and your vehicle is getting further and further bogged into the sand, the more you press the accelerator pedal, the worse it becomes.  This is like the response of anger or indifference toward those we’re in conflict with.  When we react emotionally and without thought, the relationship descends further into the bog.  Once you’re bogged, spinning your wheels achieves nothing or even harm.

While you’re bogged in conflict, communication is stilted and dysfunctional.  Like the vehicle is at a standstill, so is hope in the relationship stagnant.  You can try rocking back and forth, to get the vehicle going again, but without getting in and digging the sand out, or being recovered by another vehicle, nothing will be resolved.

The mode of recovering a bogged vehicle faces the truth of the immobile vehicle, and just the same, relationships bogged in conflict cannot recover unless the parties to the conflict face the difficulties.

Sometimes the recovery method fails; the recovery vehicle itself gets bogged, so you can end up with two or more vehicles all bogged in the sand.  This is like getting help that doesn’t help.  It can mean people who are helping may possibly be drawn into the conflict.  They may prove ineffective, or they may make the impasse worse.  Just being committed to the recovery of the bogged relationship isn’t enough.  It takes a lot of care and attention to learning to achieve a successful recovery.  And even when a recovery method fails, if we keep trying, we can still succeed.  We just can’t give up.

These aren’t all the connections between getting bogged in the sand and becoming bogged in conflict.  Just a few.

Conflict isn’t usually much fun, and most of the time it’s painful.  If only we can get in there, amid the bog and do what we can to recover the relationship.

The best prevention for not getting bogged in the soft sand to begin with, of course, is to use your speed to keep you rolling.  Like all good relationships, communication must be kept moving.  Problems need to be resolved proactively by facing them as they come up.