A cord of three strands is not quickly broken

“The mistake most of us make is that we build our homes in other people in the hope that they will deem us worthy of being welcomed inside.  We feel so abandoned and empty when people leave, because we’ve invested so much of ourselves in them.”
― Najwa Zebian

Enmeshment is the relational phenomenon where a person or both people in a relationship lose themselves in the other person.  Boundaries and emotionality are too permeable and pliable, and there is no solid sense of self in one or both.  The self is lost in the other, and where there is no solid sense of self, there is little that can be made as a strength for the relationship.

One of the commonest things I talk about in relationship or couples counselling is the important three dynamics that are well conveyed by Ecclesiastes 4:12 — “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

It takes two solidly attached people to build that third strand which is not so much the glue that holds them together, because the individuals in their personal solidity don’t need to be glued to anything or anyone — they’re autonomous, free persons (or should be).  The third strand is the strength they share from the autonomy each one brings.

But many people who end up in committed relationships are not autonomous or free.  They otherwise crave another person or thing to sink their identity into; another person to complete them.  It’s a trap any of us can fall into, mind you, especially when we’re otherwise challenged by hardships that test our sense of personhood.

The issue within relationships built on the shifting sands of losing ourselves in the other is it leaves us on tenuous ground.  It’s too big a burden for the other to carry, and it’s a constant vulnerability for the person who has plunged their personhood into another person—in making their home in them.

This is where things become unstuck, ironically when one brings pressure to bear on the other to commit.  This typically occurs when ‘the love wears off’ — code for the relationship has gone from the romance phase to the power struggle phase, which is normal as part of the 5 stages of relationships.  Tensions build when the person who has lost themselves in the other becomes especially needy.

We all have needs and it’s fair in relationships to have some of our needs met by our partner some of the time, just not all our needs all the time.  There must be some sense of solidity in each person in the relationship so they’re capable of holding themselves by themselves when necessary.  This sort of thing can cause some people to feel excruciatingly alone.

Back to the autonomy that should be present in every person in every relationship.

It’s a good sign that your partner views you as an autonomous person with the capacity for your own ideas, thoughts, and personhood.  What you think and say should matter.  So should what they think and say.  The best couples hold tensions well and can most certainly, and respectfully, agree to disagree.  It’s a relational red flag when one is not allowed their view or must fall into lockstep with the views of their partner.  When this is at the extremes, it’s abuse.

A cord of three stands is not quickly broken.  The first two strands combine to create the third, but those two strands must of themselves have sufficient selfhood and strength to offer to the other so both can come together in weaving the third strand.

For Christian couples, that third strand is seen as a God-strand, and certainly makes for a strength of unity between the two.