Empathy, foundational and essential for pastors

“There was a time when pastors and priests might have gotten away with a lack of empathy.”  I said this to my wife, but then she corrected me: “But do they really get away with it?  Think about your Dad when Mum lost Debbie.”

Sarah was right.   The local Anglican minister in the small north-west town we lived in, when my parents had lost their third child to stillbirth, gave some spiritual platitudes to my father that would have been more common in 1973.  And because the platitudes were completely inappropriate (especially from someone who should have known better) my father turned from faith as a possibility for help in a time of grief.

It was a real tragedy, because my parents could really have done with that pastoral support.  The subject of my sister’s passing is still hardly mentionable for Dad, the grief runs super deep.  Imagine if it were different, and that Anglican minister had attempted to befriend my Dad—with empathy, which is no strings attached and entirely as equals.

A LACK OF PASTORAL EMPATHY, AND WORSE, PAIN AND TRAUMA

I think in yesteryear, when people didn’t question what ministers did out of respect for the position, ministers could get away with a lack of empathy, personally.  But they did the name of God damage when they did.

When you think about it, it’s utterly ironic and perplexingly abhorrent that any minister—who is a SHEPHERD remember—would so consistently fail to care for anyone (given shepherds care for their sheep).  Without empathy we cannot achieve true pastoral care.

Think about examples in years past when not only did ministers and the church fail to demonstrate empathy, but they also did the opposite and produced trauma through sexual abuse and spiritual abuse.

One would venture to say that where there is a lack of pastoral empathy, pain and trauma result, or are at least more likely.

BUT WHAT IS EMPATHY?

Empathy is THE non-negotiable ‘gift’ of anyone in a pastoral role.  That’s right, before any other gift, empathy is required, and therefore INFORMS every other gift.  Empathy must be part of pastoral personality.

But all too often pastors are lauded for the number of books they’ve read, as great thinkers, as theologians, as leaders.  But what use is knowledge, thinking, theology, or leadership without empathy? Recall Paul says in 1 Corinthians 8:1, “Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.”  Empathy IS the character of love.  Out of the heart everything flows (Proverbs 4:23), so first and foremost pastors need empathic hearts to be pastoral.  It doesn’t matter otherwise how visionary or entrepreneurial a pastor is if they can’t/won’t feel another’s pain.

But what even is empathy?

It’s stepping inside the shoes of another person, so much so that a person cannot fail to know how to support someone who needs it.  And for those who need support, especially in the church or Christian setting, pastors are the ones to provide that support.

Empathy is operant when the OTHER person, and what they feel and THEY say they need, is considered right.  In empathy, it’s ALL about the other person.  Empathy requires us to put all OUR power aside to serve the other.

Empathy is truly a gift of a life experience of suffering.  Few people have the gift of empathy without first having to ‘earn’ it through personal hardship and spiritual toil.

Let’s come back to what it looks like for a pastor to not have empathy.

Well, a minister without empathy knows that they need it, and you can know this by the IMPRESSION they create externally to others as they feign compassion.

This actually makes the pastor more of a hireling shepherd (one who does not really care for the sheep), because in feigning care when empathy should be their way, they instead weaponise inauthenticity against those in their care.

Think about it this way, when someone pretends to care for you and you know they don’t, that feels like manipulation.  Their feigning of care is for THEIR benefit, where care is always for the OTHERS’ benefit.

PASTORAL EMPATHY, TODAY

This is where I want to land the article—pastoral empathy in today’s world.

I know people who criticise ‘wokeness’.  But for me there’s a lot to be said about a world that’s woke.  In today’s world, there’s much less tolerance for a failure to care from those who have a role to care.  There’s more accountability than ever, and that’s good.

I’ve seen too many examples directly and indirectly of ministers failing to care, and worse feigning care when they knew they didn’t.  And sadly, some of those lauded as the best leaders are in that number.  I’ve personally called some of these to account, and each time I’ve done it it’s landed me in tenuous positions.  I’ve had to learn to trust God to work on these leaders’ hearts, to let it go.

More and more these days, God’s light of truth will shine on pastors who fail to exemplify empathy.  And that’s good.

~

One final thing to say.  If empathy’s not your thing and you’re a pastor, you’re a pastor in name only, a shepherd who does a lousy job of caring for your sheep.  Find a better vocation.