What does it take to reconcile relationships in conflict?

Watch every good drama, every good story, they all feature problems, crises, conflicts.  The ones that inspire us are those where protagonists negotiate their way through to compromise.  Not all our relationships feature the same outcomes.  All of us have broken relationships in our past.  Some of these we cared about very much.  Others, not so much.

All relationships feature conflict.  If we get close enough to people, inevitably we’ll disagree from time to time.

Relationships need to bear conflict.  And those that can, prosper.  Trust builds as a result.

But in those relationships where one or both won’t reflect on what their own contribution is, there is only one outcome.  Where there’s no bearing of the truth in one side or both—where one side or both isn’t/aren’t humble enough to do their own reflection—the relationship is doomed to the scrapheap of toxic dynamics that all went from bad to worse and then ultimately to death.

Unfortunately, where one won’t take responsibility it’s almost inevitable that the other won’t either.  But it takes just one to push the door ajar to the hope of reconciliation.

If a person does this, taking their own responsibility, making their own apology, they do what they can—they invite the other to come toward them.  If the other person rebuffs that generous invitation to reflect, hope plummets.  It’s such a pity, because when a person comes with an apology (provided it’s genuine and heartfelt) surely it softens the heart of the one receiving it—if they value or want the relationship.

Relationships only grow stronger when they endure conflict which otherwise would threaten it to break.  No intimate relationship goes without conflict.  Those who think they have no conflict probably feature a significant amount of denial and of shoving issues under the carpet.  The opposite to this of course is the relationship that is continually volatile.

The very best of relationships feature humility in both to not only reflect on their own contributions to conflict, but they’re staunch in staying in those places, even to the point of insisting they themselves right their own wrongs.

A person who accepts their role in a conflict but knows where they aren’t responsible is a mature person.

In this way, these best of relationships feature the crossing of the bridge of love for the other.  And when both are constantly crossing the bridge to the other there’s a great deal of growth in the relationship and in the individuals party to it.

A lot of what we carry into our relationships is the stuff within each of us internally.

If we bring a lot of baggage and trauma into a relationship, we must expect that it will leak out into the relational space.  That’s nothing to feel condemned about, so long as we’re prepared to own it and not put it on the other person.

Again, it’s about humility, but humility is not easy when a person with a lot of baggage is operating with a lot of fear.  Fear is what underpins pride.  We will refuse to look at our own stuff when we realise that it could crush our soul.  But it’s humility that undergirds the courage to know, “Reflecting on what I did or could have done better won’t crush me, it will help me be more empowered, not less.”

Relationships will have conflict, yet it’s how we reconcile that makes them stronger.

Probably the commonest reason for a fracture in a relationship is both parties would not speak the truth in love, that is, they didn’t keep short account.  But parties need to be able to listen to what’s being said without responding in anger.

The best relationships feature the safety to speak truth when it needs to be spoken.  It’s no good storing up hurts in a gunnysack to bring up later when it’s too late to address them.  

One thing people in new relationships should do, especially in that falsely golden honeymoon period, is be courageous enough to speak the truth, and have faith in the other person to bear the conflict.

We really don’t know WHO we’re in relationship with until we enter the crucible of conflict.

If conflict can’t be negotiated early, it won’t be negotiated later.  In this way, it’s better to know who we’re really dealing with so when the shine wears off there is less collateral damage.