What’s worse, a woeful apology or no apology whatsoever?

This topic came up in a conversation with a friend recently: what is worse, a poor, inadequate or inappropriate apology or acknowledgement, or no apology or acknowledgement whatsoever?

This got us both thinking, because out of raw experience we both knew that neither is satisfactory, neither for the transgressed person, others affected, and the relationship.  One leads you to a place where you’re faced with understanding that the person apologising has no comprehension and possibly little interest of the damage done, whilst the other leaves you in a place of having absolutely no way of reconciling the matter in terms of relational justice.

On the subject of poor, inappropriate, and inadequate apologies, and where there’s no recourse to discussion, or there’s no interest in the other person doing more reflection, the situation shows us the truth that the apology or acknowledgement is actually no apology or acknowledgement at all.  Indeed, you can make the situation a whole lot worse.  It may leave the person being apologised to feeling incredulous, mystified, perplexed.  A whole deeper realm of hurt.  It leaves the person being apologised to having to reconcile a far deeper matter.  Not only is the wrong not reconciled, but the wrong was justified and an irredeemable injustice prevails.  Such a depth of betrayal that justifies the hurt leads to trauma.

If a person can receive feedback about their woeful apology and they don’t counter it with anger, there is hope that they might go away and reflect over the matter again.  This shows humility, that they’re at least sincere enough to learn more about the impact of the transgression.

In turning to the other matter, the one that faces the situation where there’s an absolute denial of the damage done, where there is no apology or acknowledgement, is left to deal with the hurt and betrayal and injustice alone.  And very often in the situations, there is nobody to stand in the gap, nobody advocates, so the person unjustly treated must seek to reconcile an impossible situation.  This itself is a trauma.

But how could these two situations be separated?  A poor, inadequate, or inappropriate apology is no better than the denial of the matter and no apology at all.  Indeed, the former could be even worse, because what must be faced is a truth that cannot be reconciled, a truth that polarises the victim in their trauma.  But the absence of apology can also do one and the same thing.

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Sure, there is the matter of forgiveness in both situations, because if we cannot control the situation, it’s better to forgive for our own benefit and others, than to stew in our own juices.

Forgiveness in this situation is wisdom, because it reconciles that the best and only real solution is unachievable.  Reconciliation requires two parties.  And the person who does the forgiving, who has been transgressed, is doubly vindicated, and from a faith perspective will be doubly rewarded.  This is because it is more blessed to be transgressed than to be the transgressor, and it is more blessed to own one’s fault than to deny the matter.

What other recourse is there when we have learned that the way head is forever blocked?  Acceptance of the matter is peace, whilst anger regarding the matter is continued torment.  Put like this, there’s a simple choice ahead.

This is reconciling that in forgiving the transgressor, there’s a release of the transgressed person from their anger, and there’s also the release of accountability for taking on what is not in the transgressed person’s remit to take on.

Forgiveness is a wisdom that stands back and looks philosophically at the matters of life.

Forgiveness is also a justice because, like the scales of justice, forgiveness weighs the pros and cons and always sees the tremendous cost of trauma in refusing to reconcile what, through forgiveness, can be reconciled by one party on their own.  It doesn’t require action from anyone else.

Forgiveness also ultimately takes the power away from the transgressor and puts it back in the hand of the one who had the power taken away in the first place.

~

When apologies or acknowledgements fall short, at the very least it reframes the relationship, and much of the time relationships end or boundaries are installed.  This itself is a release.  What was broken but could not or would not be fixed is left in its broken state and there is freedom in walking away.

Sometimes what complicates the matter, is the transgressor walks away into success.  And this can leave a sharp and ongoing resonance in the transgressed, especially in the case where they are scapegoated.  Whatever success a transgressor enjoys, or whatever they seem to get away with, is always short lived when truths are considered through the fullness of time.  Take a moment to walk through Psalm 37 again:

It’s far better and even blessed to be 
the transgressed than the transgressor.

A really bad apology can be worse than no apology whatsoever because you know the hurtful truth they’re operating on and you know the depth of their misunderstanding.

But the overall truth to accept is both situations are abysmal, and neither is preferable to the other.

Marriage and a happy family camping holiday

We’ve just arrived home from 11 days away in the northwest of our great state where our road trip covered 3,650 kilometres.  Today was our last day before we return to work and school, and we were just tidying up, drying out the tent, cleaning the car and trailer inside and out, and doing all the clothes washing that accumulated in the last few days of the trip.

When we set off when it was still dark on July 14, we did so intrepidly and prayerfully, driving our second-hand car that is new to us, hoping for no major breakdowns, and favourable conditions, given we were tenting the whole experience.  Wind and rain always need to be factored in, but these are generally part of the adventure.

The camping trip involved six set ups and six pack downs.  At the beginning of the journey, the most redeeming feature was the driving, and I must admit I love just driving.  I think this is because I’m a contemplative at heart.  But I tend to be an extroverted contemplative because I’m constantly in discussion with my wife as we drive, sometimes to her annoyance.  

Thinking of the six set ups and six pack downs, I’ll skip forward a week from our departure from home, whilst I was in conversation with a young couple one night at Dampier beach, at the suggestion of the mere fact that there were six set ups and six pack downs, the male partner ventured to say, “Woah, how many barneys have you had already?”  I just laughed.

We had had a few crossed words in the intervening time.  When we reached our first destination at Galena Bridge, over 500 kilometres from home, we attempted to set up our tent and it was quite gusty.  You know those looks you give each other in marriage that say, “I’m furious with you right now!”  My actual thought, as we were battling with our large tent, was, “What were you thinking?!” At that precise moment, I despised the very thought of camping.

My actual words betrayed what would quickly transpire into a good afternoon.  Thirty minutes after me uttering the words, “this is hopeless!” it came to pass that we were all on the river re-learning how to cast a fishing rod.  The masterstroke of this particular afternoon was that in those 30 minutes, as a married couple, we simply kept persevering in faith that we would end up with a sound structure to sleep in.  That, and our son was loving casting his line.  That’s what happens on adventures. Unexpected things happen.  They happen for the good, and they happen for the bad (for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health...)

Another unexpected thing happened on a separate occasion when we encountered a leaky gas hose on our cooking arrangement when I’d just left to monitor our son.  My wife had the situation of yelling out for me when I was long gone and then having to think quick to isolate the gas so the flame coming out of the end of the hose would go out.

As far as individual adventures are concerned, thankfully that’s the limits of them, not that there weren’t some significant challenges, for one instance, being off grid for the first time.

One of the biggest challenges in being together as a family on “holiday” is allowing each other to blow off a little steam without getting offended because our limits are a little closer to the surface when we’re in unfamiliar terrain.  Yet, one of the biggest rewards is planning the complexities together and seeing those plans through to execution.

~

Marriage must allow both partners the outlet of safe anger, where both are allowed to vent as individual cases arise.  There are times in our marriage when we are more normal than people who don’t know us would really expect.  It brings truth to the saying, “We’re all ‘normal’ until you get to know us.”

On a camping holiday, where so many things can go wrong, and inevitably do, and things get lost, and there’s a constant workload, frustrations build and overflow.  That’s not what happens on holidays, but adventures are different.  Adventures are rarely predictable or controllable.

Most of life is an adventure.  Though we’d love it if our vacations were pristine experiences of serene bliss, life’s not like that... ever.  It’s a trap to idealise life as if it could be controlled at our whim.

Much of family in being together is the same way.  We might parade our best photos on Facebook and Instagram, but life’s not like that at all much of the time.  We find it hard to live with our loved ones at times, unexpected challenges thwart our peace, frustration mounts up with seemingly little warning.  There’s also the anxiety that rises which is hard to ameliorate.

Family is the place most of all where we must learn to apologise and keep ourselves to short account.  We might be able to present “professionally” in our work contexts, but family see us and experience us warts and all.

If there’s one thing we need most in families, it’s to forgive the forgivable and to keep moving forward.  Forgiveness is the language of love in family.  This is especially the case when family members own their wrong and seek to do better.

Empaths need both connection and detachment

Culturally rich and ever able to contribute within the fabric of their world, the empath is intrinsically interwoven into their environment, and this can cause both bliss and loathing.  It’s why the senses reach overload at the least opportune time and why there’s a paradoxical need to connect with the world yet also detach from it.

~

I think Jesus, the human being, was an empath, in that he typified what it’s like to need to connect at depth with humanity yet also at times isolate from that same humanity.

I think Jesus as the God man continually harnessed and perfected the empath qualities, and perfectly exemplified connection and detachment from humanity at every appropriate time.

Being that none of us can do this, we’re left with the formidable strengths yet the cavernous weaknesses of the empath.

~

When we slip into the vulnerable side of our own empathness, we may find we feel scapegoated for feeling these divergent yet urgent needs to connect and to detach—sometimes at the same time.

We feel there’s no way our world could possibly understand us, little that we understand ourselves at times.  In feeling scapegoat-worthy, we resent the fact that we feel so cogently, yet it’s this very capacity that makes us highly useful in both our connected and detached worlds.  Besides, defending against feeling or being scapegoated is always a good instinct.

Yes, that’s right.  Those who feel so deeply that they’re often at a loss to communicate what or how they feel are the very people who God uses to make this confused world make sense for others.  It’s good to be or feel defended when we’re victimised for simply feeling.

Empaths are kind, kinder than most.  They’re sensitive, more sensitive than most.  They’re prone to anxiety.  Just as they’re quick to slip into a depression, they also bear the capacity for a quicker than expected recovery.  All this because they feel everything.  And because everything is felt, empathy is copiously available to and for others in their times of feeling.

It’s sad that those who give so very much to their world so often feel estranged from themselves and also scapegoated by their world.  Yet, there’s that inner desire to give that’s an inexhaustible fountain of life within them.

For the empath, environment is everything.  It’s either a source of life or death, and there’s little middle ground unfortunately.  When an empath feels they can care and be cared for, there’s an expanse of life experienced.  But when an empath is subject to exclusion, isolation, partiality, and even bullying, and when they see their care is spurned, they detect it at light speed, and quickly sink into mortal loathing.

As birds of a feather stick together, so empaths are designed to be in community together.

If you relate, you could ask yourself, “How and where can I connect with others who value and understand the need to both connect and detach?”

Assumptions, fuel for conflict, death to relationships

“He just went off at me!   I then just sought to reiterate my case, and then he said, ‘Stop back chatting me!’   I was just trying to bring the temperature down, far out!”

All this had transpired due to a camper assuming it was okay to chop and change from one campsite to another—each site had slightly different facilities and this camper wanted the best of both.

Her partner then chimed in, “We know that nobody was in that bay as the van in that one left after only one night and they’d booked three—there is space.  They would not have updated the website that quick—he [the camp host] was just being difficult.”

There is more, much more, to this practice of assumption making in the realm of relationships.

In this situation, it’s clear that this couple were emblematic of people who bend the rules to suit themselves, always disadvantaging others.

A SLIGHTLY FORENSIC ANALYSIS OF ASSUMPTIONS

Notice how laden both statements were with assumptions.

Notice how assumptions always operate in the favour of those who are assuming things—never do they operate in the favour of others.

Notice how assumptions always require something of others—assumptions never offer anything good to others even if part of the justification of the assumption is, “Man, look what I’ve done for you!”

Notice the abject lack of introspection in this comment.  Layered within assumption is often a gaslight of, “Hey, I did YOU a favour (they didn’t, actually, they transgressed), I looked out for YOU (no, they didn’t, they only looked to their own self-interest), so why are YOU being so unkind?” (the gaslight comes as the punchline at the end—the guilt-laden insinuation that THEY are the ones done wrong.

Gaslighters really turn the emotion screws, are incredulous, manipulative, uncompromising.

Flipping the script is crazy making unless you’re certain and remain firm about what occurred.  If something occurred that caught you by surprise, chances are that something was amiss with the communication—it wasn’t your imagining that you’ve missed something vital.

The truth is, the one making the assumption operated on “information” they nor you had.

They created “information” (alternative “facts”) to suit their purposes and dupe you out of yours.  They decided how it would be for you, leaving you no choice but to accept what they’ve decided and done.

Put like this, you can see the disrespect in such behaviour, the entitlement, and their audacity that YOU are the treacherous one should you gently yet firmly challenge them with the truth.  Again, right there, is the gaslight.

Assumptions at base are a defence of behaviour, the refusal to be held to account, and the inability to accept responsibility for one’s actions.  The worse the behaviour in these terms, the less likely a fair and equitable relationship is possible.

~

Everyone makes assumptions, and like every sin, all can be forgiven IF there’s contrition.

It’s the person who defends their assumption, who defends their behaviour and who refuses to acknowledge their wrong that makes the assumption the harmful instrument of wrong it is in conflict.

One of the marks of a good relationship is the ability to keep short account.  Parties to the relationship should be able to speak truth in love so the other has a chance to rectify wrongs—even better than this is keeping/holding ourselves to account.

~

People who make these kinds of assumptions often live very well by their own rules and expect others to follow suit.  These kinds of behaviours are an attempt to rewrite truth, and that itself is gaslighting.

Be wary of any “relationship” where the only one who’s allowed to define truth is them.

Relaxing Yet? (An article about anxiety)

Sometimes you realise how much you needed a break only after having commenced it.  Suddenly there is the presence in the conscious mind of the anxiety one has been blocking out.  There had been a certain awareness of it, but there’s nothing like stopping as you face what is an altogether disconcerting frame of being.

So we stopped.  Having been on a frenetic path for weeks beforehand, planning a trip, organising things for when we’re away, organising contingencies whilst we’re on the road, working hard to achieve the space to relax—which is an utter paradox—we finally found ourselves away from home, out of range, unplugged, on the road, in the bush.

Time to relax...

Yet...

The quietness of the bush teases a tired soul with its serenity.  But a tired soul cannot put everything down just as simply as that.  It is an enigma that the hypervigilance in the tired soul craves the activity that got it tired in the first place.  And nothing drives hypervigilance like always having stuff to do—I mean, stuff you MUST do.

The tired soul is quite sick of people, but still so willing to be busy.  And that is a clue to anxiety.  In the first place, it’s the abandonment of care that lets the anxiety in, which is the very dysfunction of busyness, and in second place, anxiety is the will to control and make safe of everything.  This is a madness, for so few things can be controlled in this life, but my anxious soul insists on entertaining insanity.

Out in the bush, where there is a wafting breeze, still trees, a tweeting of birds, and the occasional buzz of mosquitos and flies, even a kangaroo or four, the environment is so stark from what the tired soul is used to.

The tired and anxious soul senses a problem; one should be able to relax out here, but there are problems to be resolved first, a multiplicity of little problems that leave the soul unable to sit even for a full minute and enjoy whatever the senses take in.

But the first task to be achieved in relaxing is the quest to remain watchful for signs of anxiety.  As surely as anxiety does come, notice how it rises, sometimes to the level of an instantaneous panic, though it doesn’t usually manifest in panicked feelings.  Normally it manifests simply in the need to control small things that with confidence don’t warrant a concern.  Sometimes anxiety is irritation, frustration, and the fight trauma response.

This is the clue that we are anxious, we don’t feel safe, or we feel vulnerable, and therefore we need to control little things.  We can be miserable to live with.  I do wonder at this point, for those who are given to attributions of narcissism, how many are simply anxious?

The body also has its way of telling you things are not quite right.  Or perhaps it’s the other way around, and the body is simply a focus point, and any little niggle or pain becomes a cause for concern—again, these are minuscule things that don’t warrant concern.  At times, this can be a body image thing, where preoccupation becomes the clearest sign of the presence of anxiety.

It’s simply good to be aware when we are battling anxiety.  Without awareness we can do nothing.  I always found that in noticing in my irrational irritability there was often the presence of unheralded anxiety and/or depression.  Irritability I couldn’t control, therefore, was a sign that I was on my way to a full-blown depression.  In times past I mean.

One thing I noticed in my anxiety was the absence of anxiety in my wife.  She had planned 90% of the trip, the logistics, the routes, the accommodation, etc.  Once we were out on the road her performance continued unabated.  She seemed to know when to do what and how to do it, whereas I felt constantly discombobulated unless things were straightforward.  At times, I felt annoyed and even a little threatened by this apparent disparity between her performance and my own.  I stared at my incompetence and my confidence in those moments was shot.  There were a couple of moments when my anxiety shone a shadow across the light of finally being together alone.

My discombobulation was the sign that I’d been driven hard by the wind into the island of the loss of control.  Only six weeks beforehand, I was frequently heard to answer the question, “How are you going?” with, “Truly, never better.”  And that was genuinely true.  How could one slide from the best state I’d ever been in, to a place where anxiety battled for my peace?  It shows how quickly we can relinquish our peace, just like we can rise out of the ashes like the proverbial phoenix.  All because my optimisation had gone from a healthy 85% to something like 105%.

It is a good thing to have problems like this to resolve, because they shed light onto the inner workings of our souls.  Some of my anxiety is due to having still more to do, some of it is down to my attachment style, but most of it is about finding a way to decompress.

It just takes time, and we need to allow ourselves this time, and it is especially good to watch how present (or not) we can be or are.

~

One of the things we all need is a little agency, which is some level of control over the living of our lives.  Interestingly, however, if the rest of our lives is challenging and tough, I believe it equips us for confidence and agency.  Overcoming anxiety isn’t so much living a life of ease which only leads to entitlement, it’s about choosing to rest when we can and noticing how successful we are in this quest, which gets us strategising for a way through.

Full schedules do nothing to assist us in the maintaining of spiritual equilibrium, of which we all need.  Full schedules only serve to prevent us from entering relaxation on a whim.

~

I’ll give the final word to my wife, who simply asks, “Relaxing yet?”  It’s said with humour, but it is also said poignantly.  There is a point to this challenge of hers.  If I cannot relax in the relaxing circumstance, I may be poorly equipped for the time that is coming.  For this fact alone, I’ve committed to resolving the conundrum.

And like all things, I know it only takes a few days, a few days to truly unwind.

Peace is coming.

Leadership is the love of the voice used to actively listen and speak affirmingly

Have you ever noticed that leadership is a very active thing in communication?  Good leaders are overt in their speaking and listening.  They say what needs saying.  They reassure.  They give constant feedback, not of constant criticism, but of constant affirmation of what they’re seeing you do well.

When you’re tired, they tell you, “Thank you for the work you’re putting in.”

When you’re unsure, they reassure you, “That’s good, keep doing that...”

Good leaders never leave people feeling that they are dammed if they do and damned if they don’t.  Abusive leaders are quick to constantly criticise.  They leave their people feeling anxious and focused on what they are doing wrong, which is toxic.

Good leaders build on what is being done right, they listen for it, and they affirm it.

Leadership is a constant commitment to service of the people who are being led.  You can’t be an inspiring leader unless you’re proactive in this.  Indeed, we begin to fail as leaders when we stop using our voice to encourage from the things we’re hearing.

That’s right, a leader who doesn’t listen well or intently enough will miss opportunities to use their voice to express their leadership, and those they are leading will miss out on the encouragement they need to do the work they are doing.  Get it right, this is a form of abuse in neglect.  It leaves people feeling unsupported.

Listening is an active leadership in that a leader is constantly listening and using that intelligence that they gather as a catalyst for using their voice.  Again, this is positively oriented.  Leaders cannot afford to use what they’re hearing to give too much negative feedback.

Indeed, it is a slack, ineffective, and even a dangerous leadership that cannot convert the negative into a positive message that responds to the needs of the day.  Of course, it is all too easy to think critically and to react in that way, but when leaders do this, there is a heavy price to be paid.

Amazingly, good leaders use the seconds and minutes well.  They communicate their positive messages most powerfully when they are succinct.  Regular specific positive encouragements are required in leadership because good leadership is essentially about love.

What I mean is, leaders notice the negative that is occurring, and they speak into that in supportive ways, endeavouring not to leave important things unsaid.  See how much leadership relies on listening to what’s really going on and speaking into the morale in ways that feeds into the culture positively.  That’s in essence what the leader’s job is.

Leaders who leave too much unsaid run the risk of neglecting their most important work, which is to maintain the morale of those they lead, because again leadership is service into the mental and emotional health of the team and of individuals.

Leaders are accountable for the mental and emotional health of the team, and they certainly contribute to the mental and emotional health of individuals in the team, and in some cases they’re the sole cause of mental and emotional ill-health in those they lead, e.g., in the constant criticism they give.

When important opportunities are not taken, people feel the void, they feel unsupported, and into that void a spirit of discouragement spreads.  This is indeed why the management of people is integrally a leadership of listening into the culture and a speaking in words of maintenance, words of life, words of hope, words of peace, and words of assurance.

The best leaders need few words, but those few words are packed with powerful encouragement.

5 really poor ‘apologies’ and 5 really good ones

One of the true signs of the health or otherwise of relationships is how they are reconciled in conflict.  Great relationships thrive on trust, but poor relationships feature a lack of or absence of trust.  Trust is always damaged or destroyed or built-up and rekindled based on apologies or lack thereof.

Important disclaimer before I launch into the topic—in terms of abuse cases, there are situations where one party has the lion’s share or is solely responsible for apology.  The unfortunate and tragic paradox, however, is in these cases proper justice is rare.

Here are five really poor apologies:

1.             Let’s start with the absence of an apology, where a party sees no personal contribution to the conflict.  Conflicts cannot and will not be resolved where one party refuses to see their contribution.  This is the worst kind of apology, because where an apology is sought, there is no apology.

2.             Where apologies are just another form of manipulation, used as a tool to regain the favour, without any thought of ongoing change, they are meaningless.  People use these apologies as a way of devaluing both the concept of apology and the relationship.

3.             An apology that comes timed for the advantage of the one apologising comes not from a remorseful heart, but from a heart prepared to negotiate on truth.  It speaks of a duplicitous heart, treating truth as a commodity to be traded on.

4.             An apology that shifts according to the situation of the day, the people involved, and the emotional state of the person, again, is an apology that treats justice with disdain.  There could not be a worse apology than one that is an apology one day but not on another.

5.             An apology where someone says they are sorry, but they don’t really understand what they did that was wrong.  In other words, they might say the right words, but they have no idea what they did that was wrong, the depth of the hurt, or what is required to reconcile the matter or how to seek forgiveness.

These situations are common with abuse and these really poor apologies represent a secondary betrayal and a complicating of the grief experienced by the victim.

What joins all these apologies together is their inconsistency and lack of integrity.  They all stem from a heart willing to manipulate truth for one’s own selfish gain.

But truth can’t be manipulated.  And it is strikingly obvious when it is.

The best apologies are those where the person apologising stays in the truth, staying in their own stuff where they fell short, and especially, staying in the conviction that the observable truth and love overall is to be upheld.    The best apologies have the power to reconcile communities and entire nations, not simply a single relationship.

1.             An apology that sees not just the person centrally hurt as transgressed, but others in the periphery who were also affected, is an apology that sees and honours is the truth.  Such an apology will include meaningful contrition to everyone involved.  Such an apology “sees” every person, and it turns hearts toward hope for the justice done overall.  These are inspiring apologies where truth is allowed to shine in all its splendour.

2.             An apology where responsibility is taken without feeling guilty or ashamed is an apology that aims to set the record straight, even as a person testifies against themselves, and is often acquitted for the authenticity they display.  There’s no need for guilt or shame in a sincere apology, in fact guilt or shame just get in the way.  There’s no need of guilt and shame in a person who in their heart is convicted to set the record straight.

3.             An apology that convinces the offended that they’re understood is an apology that is deeply meaningful because it is deeply affirming and abundant for its healing power.  In essence, many relationships fracture for a lack of understanding, and to be misunderstood can be a deep betrayal.  For a person to apologise and convince another that they understand the depth of hurt is quite frankly a relational miracle.

4.             An apology where there is a genuine transformation in behaviour, a.k.a. repentance, convinces the aggrieved party that there is still goodness—indeed, the power of God—in the world.  Again, the common denominator is heart acceptance and heart change.

5.             An apology where the perpetrator genuinely seeks to be forgiven, comprehending the depth of their offence, not expecting to be forgiven, but throwing themselves before the mercy of the court, is a prayer many survivors of abuse have prayed would be answered in their lifetime—that that justice would be visited upon them.

~

Apologies, seriously, have the power to change the world, or, in the case of a poor apology, for hurt to deepen exponentially, and for healing to become more complicated than ever.  Those who are most relationally intelligent and confident have a vast capacity to see justice as they themselves correspond to and impact on others.

The empathetic world accommodates narcissists

You’ll have noticed this in your corner of the world, I’m sure.  Tennis player Nick Kyrgios sends best wishes to opponent Rafael Nadal who’s had to withdraw from their semi-final Wimbledon match, and for a moment the world says, “Oh... that’s nice.”

The secret and unspoken hope is that this nice gesture might actually represent a better, kinder heart in Kyrgios, but of course, that’ll probably never happen, or if it does, it’s likely to be the case in a couple of decades time.

Let’s take another common scenario.  You’re in your workplace and someone who is normally harsh and entitled, selfish to the extreme, does you or someone else a favour, and suddenly there’s a heart that praises them especially for this ONE seemingly kind act.

The truth is our world has only one answer to those who make it impossible for those of the world.  The world accommodates those who accommodate nobody.  Even as these accommodations are being made, as individuals, we truly wonder what is going on?

More and more space is made for those who leave no space for others, and more and more grace is available for those who have and give no grace.

What are we to do about this?

Our opportunities are to:

§     Make much less ado about little “nice” things that narcissists do

§     Notice our individual and group fawn responses as we thank the narcissist for doing what we don’t thank others for

§     Check in on systemic injustices that give more favour to those who don’t typically care about anybody other than themselves

§     Begin to appreciate the more consistent kindness, gentleness, patient, and grace-giving behaviour of empathetic people

§     Gently though firmly call out behaviours of entitlement and selfish exploitation—if it can’t be done safely with the individual then call it out to those with influence.  These behaviours don’t represent values that are to be aspired to

§     “Read the room” and vocalise the elephant nobody’s talking about.

Behaviours of accommodating the narcissist for the little they do to counter the atrocities they’re otherwise known for do nothing for those in the narcissist’s firing line.

There is strength in numbers when it comes to gentle though firm social action, because if the narcissist is always pandered to, nothing will change and kind people will always pay for those who don’t give two hoots about anyone else but themselves.