5 really poor ‘apologies’ and 5 really good ones

One of the true signs of the health or otherwise of relationships is how they are reconciled in conflict.  Great relationships thrive on trust, but poor relationships feature a lack of or absence of trust.  Trust is always damaged or destroyed or built-up and rekindled based on apologies or lack thereof.

Important disclaimer before I launch into the topic—in terms of abuse cases, there are situations where one party has the lion’s share or is solely responsible for apology.  The unfortunate and tragic paradox, however, is in these cases proper justice is rare.

Here are five really poor apologies:

1.             Let’s start with the absence of an apology, where a party sees no personal contribution to the conflict.  Conflicts cannot and will not be resolved where one party refuses to see their contribution.  This is the worst kind of apology, because where an apology is sought, there is no apology.

2.             Where apologies are just another form of manipulation, used as a tool to regain the favour, without any thought of ongoing change, they are meaningless.  People use these apologies as a way of devaluing both the concept of apology and the relationship.

3.             An apology that comes timed for the advantage of the one apologising comes not from a remorseful heart, but from a heart prepared to negotiate on truth.  It speaks of a duplicitous heart, treating truth as a commodity to be traded on.

4.             An apology that shifts according to the situation of the day, the people involved, and the emotional state of the person, again, is an apology that treats justice with disdain.  There could not be a worse apology than one that is an apology one day but not on another.

5.             An apology where someone says they are sorry, but they don’t really understand what they did that was wrong.  In other words, they might say the right words, but they have no idea what they did that was wrong, the depth of the hurt, or what is required to reconcile the matter or how to seek forgiveness.

These situations are common with abuse and these really poor apologies represent a secondary betrayal and a complicating of the grief experienced by the victim.

What joins all these apologies together is their inconsistency and lack of integrity.  They all stem from a heart willing to manipulate truth for one’s own selfish gain.

But truth can’t be manipulated.  And it is strikingly obvious when it is.

The best apologies are those where the person apologising stays in the truth, staying in their own stuff where they fell short, and especially, staying in the conviction that the observable truth and love overall is to be upheld.    The best apologies have the power to reconcile communities and entire nations, not simply a single relationship.

1.             An apology that sees not just the person centrally hurt as transgressed, but others in the periphery who were also affected, is an apology that sees and honours is the truth.  Such an apology will include meaningful contrition to everyone involved.  Such an apology “sees” every person, and it turns hearts toward hope for the justice done overall.  These are inspiring apologies where truth is allowed to shine in all its splendour.

2.             An apology where responsibility is taken without feeling guilty or ashamed is an apology that aims to set the record straight, even as a person testifies against themselves, and is often acquitted for the authenticity they display.  There’s no need for guilt or shame in a sincere apology, in fact guilt or shame just get in the way.  There’s no need of guilt and shame in a person who in their heart is convicted to set the record straight.

3.             An apology that convinces the offended that they’re understood is an apology that is deeply meaningful because it is deeply affirming and abundant for its healing power.  In essence, many relationships fracture for a lack of understanding, and to be misunderstood can be a deep betrayal.  For a person to apologise and convince another that they understand the depth of hurt is quite frankly a relational miracle.

4.             An apology where there is a genuine transformation in behaviour, a.k.a. repentance, convinces the aggrieved party that there is still goodness—indeed, the power of God—in the world.  Again, the common denominator is heart acceptance and heart change.

5.             An apology where the perpetrator genuinely seeks to be forgiven, comprehending the depth of their offence, not expecting to be forgiven, but throwing themselves before the mercy of the court, is a prayer many survivors of abuse have prayed would be answered in their lifetime—that that justice would be visited upon them.

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Apologies, seriously, have the power to change the world, or, in the case of a poor apology, for hurt to deepen exponentially, and for healing to become more complicated than ever.  Those who are most relationally intelligent and confident have a vast capacity to see justice as they themselves correspond to and impact on others.