Accepting those who don’t understand

There are those in all our lives who don’t understand us, who don’t empathise, and never will.  We can lose a lot of sleep about these situations, we can get angry, anxious, willing to go to all kinds of lengths to persuade or cajole or fight our way toward convincing them.

But all this will mostly be in vain.  There are some who will never understand, just as there are some who wonder why we’ll never understand.  It’s fair to say, we end up on both sides of the fence; we, the misunderstood, and we, the non-understanding, in terms of how others see it.

It’s a core human need to be understood.  We face our biggest challenges in being misunderstood and battling with others who insist on our understanding them.

But the fact of the matter is, there will be misunderstanding, and we will all hold to perceptions that others cannot share.  We will see the truth, and act accordingly, just as others will see the truth and act accordingly, and both of us will shake our heads and say, “that wasn’t the truth!” and “how can they not see it?!”

Into the bargain, we will all be swayed by our unconscious biases.  Wrongs will surely be done, and those who do wrong are sure to justify their behaviour or use our behaviour in reaction as an equal wrong.  And we’re ALL capable of doing wrong.  And justifying wrong behaviour is unfortunately normal.

Accepting those who don’t understand and never will is an important life skill.

Some of these people will hold a lot of sway and control over our destiny.  But we cannot change what they think.  No matter what we do.  Some doors will forever remain firmly shut to us.

Just as it is for others who experience the same things from us.  No matter what they do, what they’ve done sealed the deal long ago; our perceptions don’t shift and there are boundaries in place.

Of course, there are situations where people including ourselves, redeem themselves.  Sometimes life events bring two opposites together, and they become a force for good together.  Suddenly differences in the past are forgiven, especially when it’s a common and important purpose that unites them.  These are dreams come true, but this is rare.

Somehow, we need to wrestle with the concept of forgiving those who cannot see what we see.  This is simply understanding that there are things that others see that we cannot see.

Perceptions are always about a mix of subjective and objective truth, or the truths we hold added to the truths that will always be true.  Yet, others have their truths and their objective truth.  It’s clear that we cannot convince a person that our truth is more compelling than theirs.

We cannot change hearts or minds, but what we can do is come to a peace about this.

It’s helpful to focus on our relationships with people who do understand, whilst simply checking the validity of the thinking in those who hold different views.  If only we can stay open to truth that is uncomfortable, inconvenient, awkward, and challenging, then we stand to learn something — if not about truth we must face, then it’s about bearing an investigation (so long as it’s not traumatising).

The ability to set foot in another’s camp, to try on their truth, to attempt to empathise with their understanding, is the demonstration of humility.  Engaging in this practice is more important than defending the truth itself.

The only way we can stay spiritually healthy is by agreeing to accept what we cannot change, and the most common example of this is accepting people who don’t understand and never will.  The reason why this is healthy is because these people are in all our lives, and indeed we are these people in others’ lives.

Imagine a world where we can cohabit whilst having vastly different views.

Romans 12:18 instructs us that, “As much as it is possible, as far as it depends on us,” we are challenged “to live at peace with everyone” we can.  The spiritually mature focus on this and make this their aim.  They completely understand and accept that this is about bearing loss well — accepting losses that are beyond our control is a big slice of wisdom for living this life well.