The “Attraction” Elephant

“Being in a committed partnership doesn’t stop us being attracted to other people, but it should stop us doing anything about it.”

~Janvrin & Selleck (Italics in original).

THERE’S NO SHORTAGE OF BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD. Beauty can, of course, be both internal (especially internal) and external.

The trouble is when we don’t give honest voice to the elephant in every room we begin living a lie. All people will find themselves attracted to others. This doesn’t change when we become committed to a partner of our very own. Indeed, at times it becomes even more obvious.

Like all people I cannot help finding attraction in certain people; I’d like to think all people I’m especially attracted to i.e. the opposite sex, as simply my sisters so as to keep things purely platonic at all times. How would you treat a sister? A reverent respect (as if to never to do any harm to them) goes with the attitude of interaction, though with sisters, of course, there’s no such thing (or shouldn’t be) as attraction. Though what must go with it is a strong and indelible sense of integrity, for women will naturally be drawn to such “platonic” virtue.

Being an ex-body builder I naturally appreciate form and good toned muscle mass, in both genders. For me it is also eyes that have it; have you ever wondered what it is about eyes that engage our curiosity so much? But realistically, for you and I, there’s a plethora of reasons to become attracted to someone.

Attraction is bound to happen.

What we do with it is entirely a different thing. I’ve heard of concepts like ‘bouncing the eyes’ and these seem to work quite well. As soon as we notice ourselves taking more than a glancing interest in someone (especially the opposite sex, when we’re committed or they are, or for any other reason of moral wrong) we should acknowledge our awareness and use our will to re-focus—immediately.

Whilst it might feel good to look and imagine, it can only really lead to harm—for us and them. It’s for our best in the longer run simply to turn away.

Make a habit of it. You’ll miss nothing, really.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Fawlty Towers – Some Observations

THE TWELVE EPISODES OF FAWLTY TOWERS PRODUCED OVER TWO SERIES’ are legendary for their timeless wit. Central protagonists Cybil Fawlty (Prunella Scales) and Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) have a lack-lustre business-motivated marriage based on managing their very ordinary 22-room hotel named ‘Fawlty Towers.’ She is a money-miser and he is a snob; both are joyless.

Actually based on a real life encounter that the Monty Python characters experienced when staying at a real hotel in Torquay in 1970, the plot of the sitcom is hilarious, but it’s incredibly sad to real life—there are too many couples who epitomise the Fawlty’s.

As I watched part of a recent episode—and laughed again—it was clear, seriously, that Cybil would often nag Basil; he could hardly please her. But he was no better, incessantly muttering sarcastic comments under his breath about her.

We laugh about these things because they remind us not only of the bad aspects of our own relationships, we see them so much in others too. It reminds me of an elderly couple I saw in a licensing centre who were “at” each other verbally and physically for some time! It would’ve been funny if it wasn’t so sad (and scary).

And what have we to learn from the Fawlty’s?

We should look to appreciate all our partners do not only for us, but for our partnerships—and even for themselves, not taking them for granted. There is too much discouragement in this world as it is. If we can’t encourage our partners each day or most days we should take a good reflective look at ourselves.

And how can some people live the lie, saying things about their partners when they’re absent or won’t hear? Surely this is as bad as cheating is. Well, perhaps the consequences aren’t nearly so serious, but the motivation is the same. It’s being dishonest with the person we should have implicit trust with and respect for.

Of course, I do appreciate the humour and ironies resplendent in Fawlty Towers; but why would we not learn from those sorts of relationships, using them as a catalyst to make sure our relationships are as precious as they can be?

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

More Information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fawlty_Towers

Dating Debacle to Lifetime Love

How do we get it right? Romantic love. Most of the time we don’t buy what we first try—by this I mean we get something different to that we try. In other words, the person we fell in love changes or we do (or probably both).

And even still if we invest via dating and find we don’t entirely like them, what’s the recourse?—it’s better often to continue than turn back for home, or so our logic often dictates.

We think it’s safe to do this. We can ‘put up with’ those “idiosyncrasies” of theirs, surely. It’s equally safe to assume that none of us gets it completely—or even partly—right. This explains the high percentage of failed partnerships and marriages, cheating etc.

But at some point we must realise that being happy—in a selfish sort of way—is only part of the deal. The whole deal, of course, is accepting that a good partnership is not really about ourselves alone—it’s about the two-person team. Understanding this is one thing; living it is another thing altogether.

Recently I was intrigued to listen to a talkback radio show on cheating. Three separate “cheaters” called in as invited by the broadcaster and gave quite unique accounts for “why” they cheated—what it proved to me was that all romantic relationships have a finite “life” unless we seek life beyond that life. We, of course, know that romantic love spikes early and companionate love finishes the course.

Back to dating: I feel that if you’re dating you’re destined to not get it right—not that this inference should depress you. From the long-term viewpoint, the perfect—or even eighty percent perfect—date doesn’t exist. It’s impossible to get a partner who’s so aligned with us personally, yet holds our love in tension.

When we find that our relationships remind us sadly of a time when we or they were different, livelier or lovelier—‘long ago; someone else ago’—we must recall that somehow our expectations of love were/are askew.

We must choose to re-adjust and re-affix our expectations of love—and “them” too. No wonder love is so hard!

But, to be left with hopelessness is entirely inappropriate. The fact is many thousands of couples choose to sacrifice much of themselves to have a happy and successful marriage—and what’s more, they achieve it. They are not put off by change; they sweep with change and commit wholeheartedly to their partner—it’s their whole ideal and identity wrapped up in them.

Dating is a debacle but lifetime love needn’t be.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

CONGRUENCE

We can’t be at peace with others whilst we’re at war with ourselves.

The good news in this statement, however, is with every bold move to congruence of self we grow our capacities with others. We can only keep moving forward in faith.

Congruence is about choosing the truth about ourselves, accepting it, and then moving onto the broader, and strangely more specific revelations of the future that’s gorgeously in store for us.

Congruence is challenging ourselves to think positively about others’ intent, believing they want the best for and with us; only from this standpoint are our reactions with others coming from a good, firm and healthy basis.

Knowledge is power. That’s the point. Knowing what must be done to secure interpersonal success we step through the process, one beat at a time... drumming to our own levels of increasing transcendence; intonation and strength-of-beat abiding.

The end goal is growing relational trust and respect with others—but that can’t be secured (with sustainability) whilst we’re at vast odds with ourselves; the baggage we carry must go.

It has to be taken to 35,000 feet and dropped out of the cargo doors. And as you see it descend upon the earth, scattering everywhere, say your goodbyes—for it’s never going to trouble you again like it has. This is not denial. It’s acceptance of its worst but then choosing to move on anyway. Sure, it may re-appear from time to time in different formats—and it may even surprise and devastate you temporarily, but you’ll not allow it to disturb your peace as much as it has anymore—you’ve resolved for better things from now on!

From here we do not give up—though temporarily we might—but, ultimately we won’t. The battles might consume the day but our objective is the war. And we will win. We will endure.

This, here, is the decision of the will. No more castigation and self-condemnation. No more ghosts in the closet embarking on your heart and confidence. No more strangers in the night. They’ll still threaten but your response is improving, little by little, day by 24-hour day.

You have the desire and the strength to do what you need to do to shore up the walls of your growing heart and resilience; if it’s group therapy or medication or any other sort of thing—you identify the need, with power, and then pounce on it.

And as you improve you will note with such gladness how much better certain relationships are going; how your confidence is improving; how comfortable you’re finding things that were once certainly more difficult.

This is no hotch-potch pipedream. This is your life we’re talking about. It’s being hi-jacked no more!—certainly without the haranguing costs there once was. Nothing stands in your way to congruence but yourself and your own willingness. The truth must win no matter what.

Making your life count, now—that’s empowering!

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

BUTTONS

We all have our “buttons.” Some people press them with awkward delight, others less deliberately so. Yet, buttons are very much our business—not theirs! The paradox is, when we accept this, we’re on our blissful way to genuine happiness, peace and negation of anger.

Buttons characterise us and our weak points, and in this then, God is speaking to us directly regarding how we can possibly grow further in wisdom and maturity. When people press our buttons our response is never their fault—no matter how much they intentioned it.

As I mentioned, buttons pressed reveal lack at the character level within us—and character runs deeply to our very core. They’re important clues on how we are to be better acquainted with life both interpersonally and also from an intrapersonal viewpoint.

Anytime we become instinctually or habitually annoyed—BANG—we can grab the opportunity to analyse the situation and run with it. We will be tempted to pass it over, however, fooled that it’s the other person’s issue; it never is.

è Awareness is always the key. We’ll only pick up the annoyances if we’re looking for them. This can actually become quite a fun game—besides, focussing on improving ourselves means there’s less focus on the things others do to annoy us!

è We have to be prepared to surrender our pride completely—that sense that, ‘I’m right, they’re wrong.’ To grow character we much first learn to routinely and effectively swallow our pride.

è We have to believe in faith that if we make these adjustments we’ll actually be happier and more peaceful and less angry as a result.

Most of all we shouldn’t fall for our own excuses or deceits. These are lessons for us in interactive tolerance—both from within and with others—that’s all. These are the final correctives to all hardships of the soul because as we attune ourselves to become more tolerant our souls become more at one with our universe.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

FIGHT FAIR

There’s no simple way to say it. We really must fight fair in all our relationships. Well, it’s a given that we will fight (a.k.a. have conflict). And therefore it’s a necessity to be fair so as to have a reasonable chance at resolving the issues themselves—at source. And if we can only resist pressure tactics and blackmail etc that only tend to confuse and perplex situations.

Yet, it’s never easy to fight fair, is it?—and this is especially if the other party insists on their way. But, our emotions too, they cloud the situation contemptuously at times.

I’ll always cherish the “theory” of conflict resolution—the model—I learned through marital coaching sessions (some sort of “maintenance” is a must for any marriage).

The ability to approach conflict with the emotions already basically resolved, so we can stay ‘in the adult’ and effectively listen and hence empathise as a way of moving forward... the process may not be easy, but it sure is worthwhile!

As far as fighting fair is concerned we’re bound to lose our cruets every now and then; consequently, forgiveness and the skills of forgiveness i.e. the heart to extend extraordinary favour, are imperative. Indeed, it’s only through forgiveness that we can effectively manage and process our emotions in the first place. Otherwise we’re forever tempted back into our basket-cased swamp of caustic relational depression every time!

To forgive is to risk; it is to ‘let go.’

Fighting fair is about fighting in love, acknowledging our deeper needs—those that are often impossible to reconcile. These ‘love gaps’ are wedged open as our deeper, visceral buttons are pressed. It’s not always our partner’s fault when our buttons are pressed, but they’re the ones (with us) left with the stinking mess of hurt feelings unto buriable resentments. We’re all human.

Do you fight fair?

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

God, Could You Just Find Me a Mate, Please?

WHAT IF YOU’VE EVER PRAYED SUCH A PRAYER? I know I did. You’ve probably been seriously tested, presumably about singleness and the costs (for and against) of being single as opposed to being in a relationship. Being single for many is no fun whatsoever.

The truth is not many of us are cut out for a life of celibacy, yet life often throws us this singleness curve ball and our companionate, romantic and sexual needs go onto the backburner.

We can also begin to look at our friends who’re happy in relationships and we look on them with a healthy (or at times, unhealthy) envy. This is normal.

But, what happens if you’ve genuinely prayed the abovementioned prayer and suddenly things have changed—but not the way you expected? Suddenly you’re perhaps “off” the whole dating merry-go-round and God seems to be re-adjusting your thoughts, honing your heart and centralising your desires. He seems to be answering your prayers by tuning you to hold out for Mrs or Mr Right.

This seems to me to be a logical outcome of answered prayer—for we know prayer is designed as an “inside” job i.e. ‘God, change me.’ God works from within us, to conform us to the reality we so richly desire.

He’s working in you perhaps—in the meantime—to chip off some of those rougher edges that might potentially make you less attractive to a future mate (and as well yourself) if left untouched. This is where a trusted confidant is a really good thing—someone who’ll give you loving, honest feedback; not flattery or criticism—just the truth with your best in mind.

Friendship before ‘the dream becomes complete’ cannot be underestimated; that is friendship with those we can be brutally honest with, and they with us. There’s no sense in not being authentic and real about our thoughts and feelings, particularly where they involve spiritual deadness, a sense of helplessness or hopelessness. Talking is therapy.

Perhaps he’s preparing you for that day when the desires of your heart will be secured?

But, there’s an obvious threat in all this thinking. ‘What if I hold out and nothing comes of it?’ Some will succeed and some won’t—that’s life. Not only that, reality has a way of surprising us; it never really turns out the way we envision it, does it? Thankfully it’s the same deal for all.

We must remain entirely realistic that not all our hopes (not even most of them) materialise as we’d like. Hopes are hopes—they are what make life sparkle with life. They provide the zest and sort the boredom, but they also invoke risks of tragedy too.

Hope—the dual-edged sword.

Whilst we wait we can only best be advised to prepare for the very best that God has in store for us, personally. It is our opportunity to transcend ourselves and literally become who we were always meant to be. One of the best things about transcending ourselves is this: we re-invent what life is all about—suddenly hope and capacity and vision become us!

A future partner will always fit into that equation.

Become yourself, your true self.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Beyond the Relational Storm

Beyond the heads, away from the storm,

Leave it behind it’s not the norm,

We wonder how it happened, why did it form?

Beyond the straits safely, into the warm.

Why is life sometimes so harsh?

Pondering alive beyond the marsh,

Time alone to consider the deep,

Problems awry we just can’t beat.

Space comes about, space to consider,

After the world of confusion and dither,

Harmony and congruence they both must return,

Before we arrive, that place to burn.

The storms from a distance are not so mean,

From safety hence we can afford to be keen,

Freshness aboard, perspective to glean,

A moment like this we’ve hardly seen.

One thing can be said with which to conclude,

Life at odds is a state precious and rude,

Places of heart with time accrued,

Dial-in now opportunity brewed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Conflict in relationships; the best place surely is clear of it unto resolution. We seek to resolve it or otherwise get so clear of it so our perspective can return. These conflicts don’t seem so threatening when we’re the spectator.

There’s something we adults often take far too much for granted—that’s the safe refuge of adult relationships. And by “adult” I mean the standing of the rapport being in the reasonable, responsible, rational, realistic and logical vogue. It’s in these relationships we can be ourselves without pretence. Love, forgiveness, acceptance and grace ebb and flow healthily in the adult state.

Life in conflict, however—the parent/child state—is like a swampy marsh with no listening or empathy to speak of. It’s dead there and the “problems” aren’t fixed easily. They simply linger on and on. And so do the glaring looks and moods!

Space in relationships and space generally of mind is often a good thing. We all need space and time with which to reflect and collect our bearings. Surely, space to consider our part in the conflict can only help us see aright?

It’s the part we’re responsible for.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Show No Self-Satisfaction

“Do not gloat when your enemy falls;

when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice,

or the Lord will see and disapprove

and turn his wrath away from him.”

~Proverbs 24:17-18 (NIV).

This couplet of proverbs is crucial for living with a bent heart—a condition, unfortunately, that we’re all plagued with—hence the need of Jesus. But what most struck me with these proverbs was the dualistic reading—with them and Balthasar Gracian’s daily aphorism titled, “Show no self-satisfaction.”

The truth in the proverbs couplet we know oh so implicitly. When someone has wronged us we secretly delight in their downfall when it comes.

The master, Gracian, purports that our self-satisfaction arises from ignorance mainly; at times this is a ‘happy ignorance,’ though still it does us no good.

“Things depend on many circumstances,” he says, and these cannot often be seen, let alone controlled. And we know very well how fickle life can be. The same set of circumstances on different days brings entirely different and difficult-to-predict outcomes. We’re humbled as much as we triumph. A wisely discharged life holds back on its view regarding the consequences of most things.

When things turn pear-shaped for the person we think deserves ‘some of their own back’ we are best to avoid even thinking badly about them, wanting them punished. This is because thoughts propagate feelings and motivate, invisibly at times, action. God might otherwise turn his wrath (and the circumstances around) on us instead!

To not take up Satan’s offer to gloat in the presence of someone else’s downfall is not only wisdom it’s very much a good allegiance of faith also; it says, ‘I surrender my will to God on this occasion.’

It’s amazing how effective God’s vengeance is. When God exercises his judgment we can rightly pity people—no matter their fault or folly. We should pray that he’ll help us with compassion for those we’d ordinarily dislike or distrust. Compassion is the godly response, always.

It is never for us to judge the heart, but to only fully cooperate with God in the matter.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.

Spreading the Love

ONE RENEWING THING I’M LEARNING: love is outdoing each other to it. Of course, we know this and when we know it afresh we can all too easily go down the swampy path of, ‘Man, this is so much work!’ And yet love knows no bounds of exhaustion. It just gives because it can.

“Our help is in the name of the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.”

~Psalm 124:8 (NIV).

I’ve been reminded just now—through precious friends, who without the luxury of binary, cords and servers, I would not know—that love exists beyond the flurry of life; just a lot farther than that; but paradoxically, it’s a journey of but the flick of a switch.

And this switch is the connection between heart and mind.

It begins in the giving. It never rests in the taking; just wants to give back and give it all away! It’s like this love is such a powerful, orgasmic thing, that as we heave joyously in the throes of response to the love given us, we feel slightly uncomfortable until we—like the coiled spring or a drawn bowstring—can at last bring release (with power) and balance to the relational equation.

And yet again, love’s purpose is the antithesis of balance. It’s more like a seesaw as we journey together in this most wonderful of God’s concepts! Love ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes. I’m feeling the love right now as my fingers dance over these keys. Love is friendship. It’s about each other.

I’m thinking of the wonderful love of my family and friends—those who love me and love me back without condition as they spend their godly love all over me; as we do over each other. How could I not be so abundantly grateful? This love is so rich I cannot fully comprehend it. And I know I never will; at least not until Glory. And I’m pleased about this. It’s something to swim in; a never-drying pool.

Yet, so there also comes, a time when exhaustion does take over.

And in times when we’re just flailing—which too is okay—we can rest in the knowledge that our God is our help; and he too uses his subjects—you and I—to mastermind the refreshing. Again, it attends; ‘each other.’

It is entirely okay to receive love guilt-free, without implication for return.

© 2010 S. J. Wickham.