Long Roads, Sweet Destinations

Faith, through the commitment of hard work, is the factor carrying improbable relationships through the years, not without the occasional bumble, to the durability of marital legend.

It’s a legacy for the entire family.

It is struggle that often typifies such relationships, early on. The deeper and harder the struggle—provided partners are resiliently committed, and forgiveness is made live and real along the way—the more the blessings of endurance can be tethered and appreciated between the two.

The Blessedness of Mutual Work

There is no better affirmation of the commitment between a married couple than the preparedness to work; most poignantly when there is much work to be done.

Their approach is realistically buoyant, noting the darkness that attains the moment and, equally, not being pinned down by it. There’s a lot of maturity in that.

Work is a paradoxical thing. It’s difficult in the act, but the easiest thing from the aspect of hindsight. Work, hence, involves faith. We work for reasons that are not always clear in our view. We work for a hope we need to believe in. And we believe in our partners; that’s what marriage is all about.

Better, infinitely, than work, however, is the mutuality of two people entwined in purpose of oneness.

That’s where the blessedness of mutual work resides; the faith of two blended into the commitment of one. Such marital single-mindedness will not be broken.

Enjoying the Destined Celebration Together

It’s always such a great pity when significantly long-term marriages—in the form of 20 and 30 and 40 and 50 years—end before due celebration. Whether it is death or some other form of heartbreak matters little; partners party to those marriages both miss out. There is the legacy of memory and that alone can be celebrated. But the sense of real celebration is tragically cut short.

Married couples who reach milestones of celebration should spare a thought for those not so fortunate; it is further testament to the glowing miracle of faithfulness.

Celebrating significant milestones, particularly in the context of the chiding tumults that have forged forgiving marital characters along the way, seems perfectly inevitable; reminiscent of sweet victories taken from the jaws of many near defeats.

***

God is faithful in this: when couples battle through, with vision of the cherished destination ever ahead and in view, defiantly together in constancy, they will reach their goal and the work will be worth it. Heavenly sweet is that destination.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Remembering to Say, “I Love You”

The commonest phrase and gesture the victims of 9/11 heard, felt or expressed in their final hour would have been, without much doubt, “I love you.” It is a revered and solemn gift. Yet, many never think to say it or avoid saying it.

Perhaps we mean to say it more, but don’t; for a variety of reasons. Sometimes we don’t say it because we lack courage or we don’t know how to say it in ways we mean it.

It takes a great deal of vulnerability for some to say, “I love you.” For others, it’s just a matter of making the time and effort. For others, again, it’s simply remembering to do it.

Converting Words to Meaning

Many people struggle to say the words because of the meaning attached, or to say the words with meaning. They struggle for intimacy, because there are trust issues between the two or they don’t have the self-esteem of courage to look someone in the eye and honestly give of themselves that way. But boldness and vulnerability are to be their allies.

Converting words to meaning, or finding different words or ways to say the same thing, requires imagination motivated by love.

Somehow, it must be remembered, words can cheapen meaning. We can flippantly say, “I love you,” and it becomes habitual and meaning is stripped away. Such a powerful phrase folds in importance. But that can only occur if we say it mindlessly.

It can, therefore, be seen as a form of blasphemy—to say, “I love you,” not meaning it. Still, we might have all made this mistake if we’ve ever committed to regularly saying it in the first place.

The meaning of the phrase is where its power resides.

And words are not the only way to say, “I love you.”

Saying It As If Today Were the Last

As I reflected recently on the motion picture, Ghost (1990), I was compelled, afresh, to reconcile the frailty of life—that loved ones die always too early.

Sam Wheat, played by Patrick Swayze (himself now gone), is admirably and fatuously in love with Molly Jensen, played by Demi Moore. He famously responds, “Ditto!” to her vocal affirmations of love toward him, much to her annoyance. The “I love you/ditto” issue becomes central to the film.

We have to do better than “ditto,” although, again, we need to be free to express love beyond words. Some people’s dittos will really communicate a richness of love.

Saying “I love you” with utter sincerity is foremost acknowledging that any of our precious relationships could end at any time. That puts life into proper perspective. Remembering to say “I love you” is making the most of the given moment, before they stop being given.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Graphic Credit: Herzen.

Who Knows Me Like You Do?

One of our biggest problems is a lack of understanding. In conflict our purpose is confused for something heinous in low trust situations—they don’t understand us, and we not, them.

Then there’s a broader scope of misunderstanding breeding loneliness, isolation, and fatigue from a lack of love. We are fortunate there is one who knows and understands us back to front and inside out.

Being Near God

“... for me it is good to be near God.”

~Psalm 73:28a (NRSV).

Intimacy with God helps us when there is precious little intimacy coming our way from our other relationships. The paradox is, as we feel less intimacy coming to us we, too, are transmitting a less-than-intimate persona to others, also.

A lack of felt intimacy breeds self-consciousness.

Being near God helps us reacquaint with intimacy. There is an opulence of freshness in the lashings of love bestowed on us by the Lord. Such an inexplicable thing, due just our willingness to step into the fold of God’s Presence, is confidence and joy; a lightness of spirit and a skip in the gait overcomes our desolation.

Something To Look Forward To

If nobody but God can know us, truly, intimately, we have much to look forward to at the end of our worldly lives. As our physical bodies fester and decay we’re reminded of not just the ageing process, but that the temporary is making quick way for the eternal; real, everlasting blessing.

Having eternity to look forward to isn’t something that brightens most people from within; even many Christians, if truth were to be told, would rather not leave here.

We have a Lord who knows us better than we even know ourselves. Others—even close others in our immediate families—come a distant third to understanding us in a way we need to be known.

Returning home after a long trip overseas is long yearned for, and the gratification is unspeakable when it takes place. We are here in a strange and foreign place, far from the intimacy God would like for us. Going home is something to look forward to. Soon it will occur!

In the meantime...

Reciprocating the Love

As we are reminded of the goodness in love, and the implicit intimacy of God, we have the opportunity to return to the Lord our own pleasant sacrifices of willed affection.

The key issue in returning to God such intimate blessings of thankfulness and praise is what God does for us in restoring our abilities around intimacy. Reciprocating in love is doing ourselves a huge service.

No one knows me or you better than God. And the Lord throws down the gauntlet of blessing: “Will you come, now, and know me?” says the Lord.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Whose Problem Am I?

A play on The Motels’ song, Whose Problem (1980), we have the opportunity to ask ourselves a most important question: Whose problem (presently) am I? Am I the cause of any unnecessary burden? Does anything remain unresolved because of, or despite, me?

One way we practically love people is by relieving any sense of difficulty, that we can, which might affect the rapport we would otherwise mutually enjoy.

The Motels’ Song Original Intent

“Whose problem am I, if I’m not yours?”

That was the original crux of the song, and it utters a certain truth. We all want to be called someone’s son or daughter, wife or husband, partner etc. We all, of the sense, want to be ‘owned’ by somebody—in the way of their care. We want to be cared for by other, or another, human being(s).

In a weirdly ironic way we want people to check up on us; to prove that they care about us, what we do, what we are about. There is a need in many of us to be ‘a problem’ (in this way) for someone or some people. We want to be their concern.

Take Into Account the Problematic Nature of Close Relationships

Of course, many close relationships will be intentionally, and permissively, problematic. It’s the nature of love; when we are fully vested and sown into relationship we assume a certain level of care will produce a certain quantity or quality of problem.

We go into these relationships with our eyes open. We know the price of love is a modicum of suffering, grief, risk of betrayal, disappointment etc.

There will be conflict; nothing surer.

The mere fact of intimacy suggests we must risk something, via the glittering facets of trust, to establish love. Love is a messy thing; essentially it’s problematic. We don’t have a choice, many of us, because we are wired to love and be loved.

Some Burdens Need to Be Tackled

There is still the opportunity, however, to reflect: Am I being especially burdensome?

Only we, by our observations and perceptions, can make that call. Only we have the capacity to right any of these wrongs that occur in our lives because of us, personally.

We can all be overly burdensome from time to time, and though our loved ones know us and love us dearly, in spite of our quirks, it’s our responsibility to amend problematic behaviour.

***

Whose problem am I? It’s a decent enough question. Knowing the answers to such questions is our social responsibility.

A significant part of loving one another is not just acting in love, but it’s also about not acting in abusing and neglectful ways. Relationships blossom when problematic issues are tackled head-on.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Adjusting to Everyday Grief

HOW LONG does the average, everyday grief process last, do you think? By “everyday grief” I mean, significant life change, but not as harrowing as recovering from the tragic loss of a loved one. Everyday grief amounts to changes in the workplace, in the make-up of the family dynamic, and in feeling at home after shifting to a foreign place, for instance.

Everyday grief, as a manifestation of adjustment, may take as little as a few months to two years. That’s my personal experience.

Separating it from major grief (e.g. loss of loved ones) there is real hope for full acceptance, without ongoing mourning.

Everyday grief is far more common than the life-dividing variety that obliterates our reality. We might expect at least one of these periods every five years; maybe more regularly.

Adjusting to everyday grief is about making the transition as smoothly and quickly as possible, without skimping any of the real work in actually adjusting.

Because this is a common experience it bodes us well to develop the skill of recovery. This might otherwise be termed, resilience.

The same stage-model of adjustment in grief applies:

1. Denial – change rarely comes in the form we embrace. There is usually some resistance. Pride is part of the problem, but also disbelief; both by the fact that this change has been mooted, and is now coming into effect, and by our lack of support for the change. We just don’t believe it is right. There’s no better corrective to denial than observation of truth. This will likely cause us anger.

2. Anger – denial and anger vacillate. The disbelief in denial together with the evidence of change that we can see with our own eyes creates an enormous dissonance within us. Whatever we cannot reconcile augments anger. We best find appropriate means of expressing our anger. Discussion, physical exercise, an outlet for the emotions, and other means, may help.

3. Bargaining – it’s normal to see our changing circumstances through the lens of the old way. We want the old way confirmed; the new way, relegated. In this fashion, bargaining becomes a willed sense of denial for what is now taking place. During this phase we look for evidence where the change isn’t working. There is an ‘I told you so!’ attitude nurtured within our hearts. This is clearly unhealthy. Depression, ironically, is a sign of a healthy passing-through of this stage.

4. Depression – the reality hits for the first time at a deeper level. Depressed feelings are natural when we understand there is no choice but to do this thing; to abide by the change we don’t want to be part of. But depressive feelings, in time, make way for acceptance—stoically to begin with, followed by more enthusiastic varieties. Best we are gentle with ourselves when feeling depressed.

5. Acceptance – as alluded to above, there are varying levels of acceptance. We may arrive at this phase iteratively, over and again, for longer and better periods, for months before a final acceptance arrives. We can only tell from hindsight when we’ve ultimately reached this outcome.

***

Adjusting to significant change is both a major challenge and a key opportunity. Ensuring we pass through the stages and don’t get stuck is vital. With hope, we believe life will settle down; that fresh meaning will arrive, and a new purpose, born.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Remodelling Your Spirituality

“For there is nothing hidden, except to be disclosed; nor is anything secret, except to come to light. Let anyone with ears to hear listen!” ~Mark 4:22-23 (NRSV).

Jesus was in the business of opening things up: the minds of the disciples and others by his parables, and the eyes of the blind and ears of the deaf through his miracles. He opens hearts to the truth, today and eternally!

***

Opening Up Our Spirituality

Jamie Durie, the celebrity gardener, has a beautifully basic philosophy that brings the garden alive in our minds to punctuate our lives with flourishing, teeming growth. He extends the living room and lounge room into the garden; curtains are a thing more fitting, he says, to the boundary fence than as awnings to windows. Such extensions expand our thinking of liveable home beyond brick walls to the boundary of our properties.

Such a process of opening things up brings a rejuvenating out-of-doors freedom into the typically closeted home experience.

If we cannot feel at home—physically and spiritually—where can we feel at home?

Opening up our homes by extending the walls into the garden also has a spiritual analogy. Poignantly in this day, when technology and the rapidity of change swamps our minds, cluttering our spirituality, heading out into the garden of our hearts reveals a vital expansion possible to our perspective; and this, against the flow.

Why settle for a constricted, safe, blinkered spirituality?

The Ever Present Spiritual Landscape Is Open

Jesus ever seeks to open us up.

We are recreated, reborn, redesigned, and repurposed to exemplify a multiplicity of blessing—the thriving, plentiful, ever-blooming life.

What has happened is our minds have been transformed, opened up, and made capable of discerning the truth in God’s redeeming universe; an ever-expanding reality normally invisible, but made open to those alive in Jesus’ name.

Notice that it’s never Jesus that blinds us with technology, encroaching change, politics, opinions, conjecture, envy, boasting, pride, social affairs, competing interests etc. The things that confuse and overwhelm us are wrought by Satan. The will of the evil one is to close our minds.

In our busy lives we might have the loveliest of lounge rooms; our houses, perhaps, are decorated in splendour. Yet, we hardly enjoy them.

In a similar way, Jesus has opened up all spiritual possibilities, delimiting us. Life has a beauty hard to reconcile. Yet, we must decide to live it; the simpler the better.

***

Throw open the curtains. Better still, take them down. Make curtains, instead, at the extent of your outer boundaries. Learn to live an expansive life. Jesus died for it. We do not hide a shimmering lantern; we place it on the lampstand for all to see.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Honouring the Memorial of Silence

LEST WE FORGET. That phrase means a lot in our present vocabulary, particularly on the Day of Remembrance. May it never be that we forget the uncommon sacrifice of those gone, lost in conflict.

But we too easily forget, also, the uncommon sacrifice of those that returned:

“Perhaps the only memorial that fully touches the enormity of war is silence. It was in silence that so many of our veterans wrapped themselves when they came back.” ~The Hon Julia Gillard MP, Prime Minister of Australia.

Don’t Mention The War!

So many of us are, or have been, related to these; veterans from periods of dastardly significance; harassed in spirit and dogged by an unrelenting and faithless scourge, even as they landed back on peaceful shores.

If we didn’t lose them on the battlefield, we lost a sizeable chunk of them upon their return; living out their lives captive to what they saw, heard, touched, and experienced.

War made some of them better. Hard as that is to say. Still, it matured many a young man and young woman prematurely. Indeed, great has been, and perhaps is, the social cost. So, war made many of them bitter. And that’s not the half of it, for post-traumatic stress has become an all too common legacy that lingers; the effects echo through ensuing generations.

Learning to Live in the Light of Such Sacrifice

Do we owe our veterans any enduring recompense?

If we do, it’s about learning to live, solemnly, in the light of their sacrifice, to remember, honouring them by never forgetting, and championing the vision for social justice and peace, always.

But there is a more familiar practice for living than doing all things in response to such a legacy.

Such sacrifice bequeaths an urgency within each of our spirits. As our veterans returned never, perhaps, to speak of the horrors of war, so ought we honour such silence by returning regularly to thoughts of simple, unspoken thankfulness.

Only God knows what they went through. Only God knows why they were the ones selected for such a perilous ignominy. And though we honour them we cannot truly know the personal cost. Only the Lord could know or appreciate.

Instead, we enjoy life—and we should—because of their uncommon sacrifice; a sacrifice more common in their day, but still uncommon by the mode of today.

What is left to say?

Very little can be said to redeem what was lost, but we should not shrink from calling ahead in praise and thankfulness for these whom sacrificed so uncommonly.

***

For veterans old and young alike,

Whether dead or returned alive,

Thankful bonds we’re to strike,

For the hope we now derive.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Conversational Spiritual Progress

“Bad habits and indifference to spiritual progress do much to remove the guard from the tongue. Devout conversation on spiritual matters, on the contrary, is a great aid to spiritual progress—especially when persons of the same mind and spirit associate together in God.” ~Thomas á Kempis.

In his grand work, The Imitation of Christ, Thomas á Kempis centres on the process of becoming just like Christ; doing the things we need to do, believing the things we need to believe, actively, in order to get there.

The above is talking about gossip—about the predilection we all have to move into conversation, to acquaint with others, to strike rapport; and this for very human need.

God designed us this way: to desire, seek, and find a common fellowship. But there is a trap and this trap is woven from the self-conscious mind, by the thread of mindless chatter.

Where we do not focus on spiritual things—the things that build up, that are godly, and portray us against the flesh—we will fall for the flesh. Our talk will descend and, therefore, arrive in the gutter. We are there before we know it.

A Better Plan – But a Harder One to Implement

Gossipy conversation leads to emptiness; a running away from ourselves, and the discrediting of others as we judge them later in hindsight, for, “How could they say such a thing!”

There is usually either incredulity or self-deceit as we look back on these wayward conversations.

A better plan, but one so rarely implemented, and one so often shunned for lack of interest in piety, is upon every conversation to focus on the pure, the complementary, and the urging, encouraging, and strengthening aspects of life with other people.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that we talk about God all day, though that’s not a bad plan! Certainly part of our day, every day, should be devoted to silence, as is custom in contemplative spirituality—something we learn from devout monks. Only in generous portions of silence will we learn to listen for the Lord.

It’s a horrible state of affairs when we hear of people, especially in a church context, being criticised for being “too” spiritual. Can there be such a thing? If someone is genuinely passionate about their spirituality they will be passionate about others’ spirituality, also. And love will be the winner. Anything falling short of love is not genuine spirituality, but maybe pretence. Nobody is perfect.

Learning to Focus Conversation

Perhaps the biggest challenge is centring on the things we should be talking about and disposing, truthfully in love, talk of the worldly, deriding sense.

What matters are politics, current affairs, religion, and ethics, to us if we don’t have constructive intentions to make a difference? Chatting about them, and voicing our opinions (as if someone cared, for God doesn’t), is vain if we’re not doing something about it. This is taking us away from spiritual progress.

We would be better to focus the time and energy on making a difference. This may not be within our grasp—to make the sort of difference we’d like to. Therefore, we are best simply changing our minds to talk on different, more edifying, things.

Learning to focus our conversations toward matters of spiritual progress is an investment in the fellowship of friendship. It pleases God and, by it, within community, we worship aright.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

Trust Is the Answer for Jealousy

At one time or another every couple must delve into their core regarding issues of jealousy, bound in securities sometimes previously untapped.

The single person isn’t immune, either. Their jealousies are camped in distances of awkwardness. So much so there may be no reasonable outlet.

Jealousies affect us all, if that sense of possessiveness is exacted to the point where trust is corroded. This issue is decked in the fact of our insecurity for dim and dark grievances hid, unresolved, in the past.

The Challenge of Reconciliation

The practice of moulding the warped aspects of our pasts into a more usable future is the process of reconciliation—not between us and another, but it’s settling indifferent nuances in our own personalities.

We have our desires, and we have our exposures to the truth; both these, can at times, run at cross purposes to each other. We can love someone and hate how they interact with their world at the same time. Or, they might tantalise us, feeding our desires, yet we never run past first base.

These are not their problems; they are ours.

The challenge of reconciliation is to resolve the root cause of our jealousy before it impacts on trust—with the associated longer term ramifications; those we cannot afford.

Connecting Jealousy with the Erosion of Trust

The truth of the matter is a dividing one.

With each encroaching jealous move we reinforce a lack of trust that may not even be valid, for we have allowed other factors—not simply the virtue of our partner—to cloud our judgment. Again, these are linked, most often, with troubled incidents within our past, some buried so deeply we’ve forgotten them, but they still hinder us.

A very practical challenge—and therefore a key opportunity—in understanding this connection—jealousy and the erosion of trust—is to elicit and extend trust, deliberately.

This may be very difficult for a jealous person to do. But it isn’t impossible. And it says so much for the value of the relationship that, even though there is a risk taken trusting someone, it can only help the relationship if that relationship has, indeed, a future we believe in.

There is no sense in not doing this, because if we’re betrayed as a through the agency of our trust we gave it our best shot. And though we may be hurting, it’s a better sort of hurt than to stand as the destroyer of a relationship because we didn’t act on those irrational impulses of jealousy.

***

Jealousies exist because of buried insecurities, unresolved from the past. The only way forward is to deliberately give trust, and to look for evidence where trust is vindicated. Possessiveness in relationships is caustic. Instead, we must simply trust because the relationship depends on it.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.

In It to Win It

MANY ORGANISATIONS spruik “People are our most important asset,” or “Safety is our number one value,” or “We back every commitment we make with a ‘money-back guarantee’.” Big promises deliver little but a sense of disappointment.

False promises come from great (or, perhaps, ill-informed) vision, but there’s no motivating intrinsic mission to achieve it.

Likewise, we make our commitments—in many cases, like these organisations, they become empty promises.

Then the devil sniggers; we get reproached. Guilt and shame overcomes us.

There is a better way.

Getting Real

“In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong.” ~Matthew 5:36-37 (Msg).

Jesus talks about oaths in a way we understand.

Why don’t we make more oaths only to ourselves, and then live up to them, because they’ve become habits and a part of the way we live, before we announce them?

Better still, not to announce them at all, for cycles recur every few years and maintaining our oaths is problematic. Many commitments need to be maintained—to be recommitted.

Getting real is about honouring the truth, through the knowledge of God’s Presence with us. For, why would we lie when we know that the Lord hears everything? Yes, getting real is about understanding that the truth, as far as we communicate, sits on a knife’s edge.

Learning to Speak Less

This will be more of a challenge for extroverts than introverts, but it’s a challenge for every single one of us. No one is immune.

If we are in this life to win the real salvation experience—to know God, and to abide in the Spirit—we ought to prayerfully rein in our raucous promises, overtures of good, achievements, and anything we boast about.

Where, really, is our boast coming from? It is not from the Lord.

Learning to speak less is taking lessons in humility. It’s working out our salvation in fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). It’s about understanding that each action has potential ramifications—they echo into eternity. (Not that God expects us to be perfect!)

The Apostle Paul talks a lot about boasting in Second Corinthians. Paul commends those who would boast to boast only in the Lord (2 Corinthians 10:17).

We need to boast, promise, exaggerate, and dodge the truth less.

There is a vital truth in the fact of speaking less. It means we think more. We weigh our words, the way we say them, and foreseeable consequences. If we are in life to win it—the abundance in salvation—we will commit to this thing.

In the Lord, we will gain control, as far as we mindfully can, over our tongues. And, we will also receive forgiveness for when we get it wrong.

© 2011 S. J. Wickham.