Wise Up, Buddy

THIS IS for all the men out there, myself included, who occasionally need a wake-up call: like, “Wake up, start treating your woman like she means something to you; start being considerate; start talking to her like you are interested in her; and, start loving her as you did once long ago.”

There is probably an equivalent sort of message for women, too, like, “Don’t forget to respect who he is and what he does; don’t assume he likes taking the lead all the time, but, all the same, stop taking the lead as much as you do.”

But this article is called, “Wise Up, Buddy,” for good reason. It’s intended for men to read it and reflect over it. Not to guiltify them, but as a straight-edge to check themselves upon.

Why would I be qualified to write such a piece? Well, I’m a guy who has been on both sides of the fence – I’ve failed a wife by not wising up, in causing her endless frustration, and I’ve also experienced firsthand the frustrations of those young women I counsel who are sick of their partners taking advantage so much, or not investing emotionally in the relationship, etc.

Relationship incongruence is the big activator of conflict – mostly where there is the perception in one partner that they are doing too much or the other partner is not doing enough. It can be maddening to think that both partners feel they are bearing majority burden – this is particularly true in certain different dynamics. She feels she does too much of the housework, whereas he complains of her expecting him to have the garden manicured every weekend. Both are probably doing a good job, but both are probably underappreciated by the other – so far as they are individually concerned. Such conflict has no winners, but there are generally two losers.

For men, there has always been the onus of responsibility for protection and oversight of the family. He provides his partner with safety. She uses that assurance with which to build the family home.

It is time we men stood up in our integrity of our identity in Christ and resolved to make biblically sound commitments to turn back to God, regularly, in respect of our marriages.

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A relationship with God helps us understand our relationships with others. As men, we can seek God regarding our partnerships in determining where we might be falling short. Revelation of falling short is impetus to repentance: to love her more; to love her better.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Forgiveness, Even From Bitterness

“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”

— Corrie ten Boom (1892–1983)

SOME PEOPLE have forgiveness stories that shame us into recognising how blessed our lives have been. Those who experienced the horror of the Holocaust death camps, for instance. Sure, we have all tasted oppression – even if secondhand. But, to have experienced something of horror – not mere betrayal – and to have chosen forgiveness of the perpetrator of that horror, has surely made a key item of forgiveness.

We have good examples of forgiveness against the flow of the heart – when, as Corrie ten Boom said, people forgave even with cold hearts if they chose to.

It’s commended to us, therefore, to lie open to the Spirit, to the flow of God’s will, which eternally says, forgive!

How can we read our Bibles and get anything else from it than forgive?

It defies rationality to go on not forgiving, when we are called to forgive even our enemies. It is a command: love one another. Yet, somehow there are Christians who choose to look away from these vital commands so as to play into the hands of the evil one. These are hard words for the person who will not (with their will) forgive their transgressor. But they hijack only themselves, limiting whatever effectiveness they could have for the Kingdom of God.

If you are reading this, and you bear any sorrow or bitterness in your heart against a brother or sister, the very next thought has to be: forgive!

Where we hold back upon the necessary work of release we hold only ourselves back. We allow fear more reign than it ought to ever have. We create the selfsame blockage that the devil has chosen for us; we do not cooperate with God. Perhaps worst of all, we sit under the Judgment, pending over our lives: we must settle this before we die, for then we are judged, and if we think God will deal with us compassionately for so openly disobeying his Word we are sorely mistaken. No excuse will cut it in the Presence of holiness.

***

Withholding forgiveness is a poison to the withholder. It will take a person who should be blessed and it will limit that blessing.

Withhold forgiveness and work for the devil,

Withhold forgiveness and in your mind he’ll revel.

But with the will, if you’ll forgive,

God will revive you and then you’ll live!

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

The Hinge of Relationship Maintenance

BREAKUPS don’t just happen in marriages that lost their way. Breakups also occur in all other type of relationships – that have about them some form of (usually unwritten) covenant, like the unsaid, “Never wrong me, please,” “Or speak to me about everything that links us, or you’ll hurt me.”

Sadly, relationship breakups occur all the time, because one party or both have been hurt once too often. What are in focus here are any relationships where we are pitted with another person for the ends of life – for friendship, for business, etc.

I’ll say it upfront. What we need to be armed with most of all, to the extension of health in all our relationships, is mastery of the not-so-common apology. I say apology is not-so-common because, whilst we might engage in making apologies, for many reasons they don’t meet the mark.

When Apology Meets the Mark

Firstly, let me say that I’m drawing off Dr. Gary Chapman’s fantastic work.

Secondly, I want to describe super briefly what the five languages of apology are, and then, thirdly, I want to wrap them all up into a process of apology, which we can take to be the actual hinge of relationship maintenance.

The five languages of apology are:

1.       Expressing regret: “I am sorry” – when we speak this language there is a real sense of remorse. “I am sorry” is heartfelt and sincere. Some people speak this language with conviction and, for some people, it’s all they need to hear.

2.      Accepting responsibility: “You know, I was wrong” – not only is there the words, but the acceptance of responsibility takes the process of apology somewhat deeper into the land of diligence and acknowledge culpability.

3.      Making Restitution: “Now, that acknowledged, what can I do to put it right?” – remorse has convicted a sense of responsibility, which has in turn convicted a sense of wanting to change things to appease the person or situation. Making restitution is a powerful commitment toward owning apology for many people. Sometimes restitution can be so effectual it leads directly to restoration.

4.      Actual and genuine repentance: “I’ll be trying my best never to do that again!” – ah, the offer of safety and the opportunity of trust. The person promising repentance knows they are on a wing and a prayer. They tread lightly, having been convicted by the Spirit in them to step differently from now on.

5.      The request of forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?” – so many apologies don’t reach this level of seeking the hurt parties’ forgiveness. Think about the power resplendent in someone that’s hurt us being vulnerable like this – when they are genuine.

***

The apology is the hinge of relationship maintenance. What is more compelling than this: “I am sorry. You know, I was wrong. Now, with that acknowledged, what can I do to put it right? I’ll be trying my best never to do that again, I can assure you! Will you please forgive me?” Think of the power for reconciliation and restoration in these words when backed up with action.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

The Love In Being Empathically Hypersensitive

HAVE YOU ever thought what it takes to reach out for support? Most people who are sick or grieving or lonely will only reach out when they truly feel overwhelmed.

When life gets too much for us – then we reach out. Generally, only then.

When the shoe is on the other foot, when we are the ones suffering, we suddenly understand the vast chasm relationally – people have no idea how bad it has to get before we open up. So, it follows that we have no idea what others are containing from within themselves before they finally open up. We have an opportunity to present others with the opportunity for safe exploration of their souls.

It has to be God’s will for us to be discerning the person before us: the person who has his or her private struggle – a litany of sorrow, a ‘treasure’ of tumult buried under an ocean of pain, or merely a world of frustration.

Is there a better type of hypersensitivity than being empathic – being totally in tune as any human being can be with another?

This is the God-inspired calling of the person with a pastoral heart. The pastorally hearted have a way of discerning the inner tide and quotient of strength of a person in their midst – it’s simply because they are interested. They can sense that all is not well inside those who are withdrawn, passively aggressive, terse, or guarded. They want others freed of an unnecessary burden.

Having that sense that all is not well in another person is a frustration of intimacy to the pastorally hearted person. They are comfortable with superficiality for its own sake, but not when superficiality has to be the norm because of a fear in this other person for vulnerability and disclosure; they want to help – without wanting to cause pain (recalling that their empathic hypersensitivity is all about the other person).

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Being empathically hypersensitive is not so much a gift as it is the compassion of God inside us for another person. It is taking God literally – to love another just as we wish to be loved. It’s about elevating the need of the person in front of us so they would feel safely beside us, important to us, on the journey of life.

It is a blessing to remember how estranged to compassion many of us feel a lot of the time, and how we can be Jesus for the person who needs us.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Earning Your Way Out of Your Relationship

SO YOU want to give up on your marriage. Okay. Heard that... But have you done enough to earn your way out of the marriage? – to paraphrase Dr. Phil.

Many times in what I call ‘live time’ – living the present moment – we still fall short. We always fall short as a prime characteristic of our sinful nature.

The fact is, if we have earned our way out of the relationship – an ethical benchmark – there are few if any regrets in the future.

Indicators that You’ve Earned a Divorce

These are good signs that you’ve done enough to earn your way out of your marriage:

þ     You have stayed single for a prolonged period as you’ve waited on God and learned to embrace an identity of singleness out of the torn coupleness. You have essentially saved your heart for your current/ex-partner until you’ve felt God has released you.

þ     You have analysed your portion of the fault. You’ve resisted the temptation to simply blame him or her. You both could have loved more or better. Owning what you could have done better, and accepting it in the sight of God, is repentance: a crucial investment for you and your future partner.

þ     You have been as reasonable with your ex-partner in the intervening period. You’ve been a mature person, give or take, because nobody is perfect. You can be characterised as fair-minded, despite the difficulties of grief you’ve grappled with.

þ     The feelings of Eros (attraction and passion) and agape (deep companionate) love have morphed into a healthy sense of philo (friendship and respect) love. Having done the above few things (amongst others) your emotional meter for your ex-partner will be tepid, but sound. Life is made abundantly easier in the future if ex-partners can like and support each other, particularly where they share a child or children.

þ     You’ve been able to split assets peacefully and graciously overall, and you’ve been blessed to accommodate and not ridicule or undermine their plans, and you have no conditions for your ex-partner. Around the children there is the ongoing need of negotiation for the children’s sake. A spirit of unity is most necessary despite what you may feel about your ex-partner or toward them.

þ     You have prayed to God about his will enough to sense where his peace is at, from within you. There is no residual indecision from within you. A peace has come and such a peace is affirmation all itself that what is to be done – and the timing – is both right and appropriate.

þ     You have worked hard on becoming truly autonomous. There is nothing from this broken relationship you see impeding a future relationship.

***

When we’ve earned our way out of the relationship there are few if any regrets in the future. Earning your way out of your marriage has required an earnest path with God.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

The Fighting Family’s Fight For Forgiveness

FIGHTS AND CONFLICTS occur in normal families all the time, except in the family where conflict is sweep not-so-neatly under the carpet. Of two broad familial designs for handling conflict – the direct form and the form of denial – only the latter has the opportunity to serve the family. Only by tackling the conflict is there a one-in-three chance that reconciliation can be experienced through forgiveness.

Sweeping the Messes into a Pile – The Family’s Trip Hazard

The family who stays in the safe way of negating the emotional content of life is the family that refuses to experience life. Sweeping their messes under the living room rug is one way of handling the conflicts that never more surely come up.

So without having the gumption to deal with the emotional turmoil that comes about in simply living with other human beings, the mess compounds. Messes never get neater if we continue to ignore them. They impact the lives in the family in many dysfunctional ways, including the methods of sticking the head in the sand, escapism, or violence for someone who criticises the ineffectual approach.

Sweeping messes of conflict into a pile under the floor runner creates an emotional trip hazard that every family member with encounter; most will avoid it like the plague, but inevitably someone unsuspecting will trip up and cause an explosive kafuffle.

A Better Way – Not Aggression, Not Continuing Submission… But

There is nothing perfect, ever, about family conflict management, but it does need to be grappled with – in honouring the truth. Denial gets us close to nowhere.

In tussling with a disagreement there will be the inevitable dance between aggression and submission. Neither aggression nor submission is the answer. Neither of these promotes forgiveness: aggression creates resistance in the one submitting.

The better way is adult assertiveness – in the mood of being rational, realistic, reliable, responsible, and logical. It only takes one person to act without emotion, looking to the other’s need as a way of modelling a way forward for both. Adult assertiveness paves the way for the space needed for forgiveness to initiate.

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Forgiveness in family constructs is vital, because in all families there are fights – if issues are dealt with in truth. You can be the purveyor of forgiveness by knowing it’s impossible for someone to continue fighting you when you love them back. It takes only one person to start the process of reconciliation. Be blessed to be that one today.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Photo Credit: http://www.wallpaperswala.com/forgiveness/

The Spiritual Gift of Potential

HERE IS A GIFT from God – as all good gifts come from God (James 1:16-17) – that everyone has in abundance. Potential can be a spiritual gift because it is given in enhanced portions by the indwelling Holy Spirit, it can be spiritually discerned, it is mysterious in nature, it’s linked with belief, and it’s enhanced through use.

For some theological straight-shooters on the charismata, the spiritual gifts, it will seem inappropriate that “potential” should be considered a spiritual gift, given it’s not noted in the New Testament anywhere. I have to respect such a view. But I can still hold to the fact that God gave me this message to write, and so I have done so, here.

Potential is so important, for anyone can take what they have been blessed with and they can improve upon it. All it takes is the ingenuity of vision, a belief that such growth can be made, and the virtue to give it a go.

Not everyone can win the Miss Universe or Mr. Olympia or become a senator or become world famous. But everyone can take what they already have and make of it something significant, and it will be especially significant if it can be used – or be of use – for others.

By potential, we can take our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual bases higher. All that stands in our way is the goals we don’t set for ourselves. God gives the gift of potential and expects us to apply vision, belief and effort.

Potential, Belief, and Faith

Potential is very much linked with belief – by faith we take our potential and make of ourselves what we will by what we do. That’s faith.

Faith is not simply about believing, it’s also implicit in doing: “The one who is righteous will live by faith.” (Romans 1:17) Faith is connected to action, because through acting faith is manifest; shown for what it truly is. We cannot believe and not do, for that would not be believing.

So, by faith we can take our identified potential and make something of it.

This is where potential might get a bad rap. Many show or promise potential, but they may rarely deliver. But when potential is a spiritual gift that has been exercised we see it executed in life.

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Everyone has potential. When we exercise our potential as a spiritual gift we find ways to enhance others’ lives not simply our own. In blessing others we, too, are blessed. Maximising our potential is its own reward. We also have a role in encouraging those with potential; they may not even see it.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

What To Do About An Unreasonable Ex

BITTERNESS AND BETRAYAL go hand in hand in relationship dynamics when things have ended poorly, but it is often surprising who is most embittered; it’s not always the betrayed. A lot of the time it’s the betrayer that feels the stinging assault of bitterness all over them, particularly in the context of time – months and years after the separation or divorce. This sort of stinging assault mystifies their sense of consciousness for such oppression.

In short, the person who inflicted the reason for bitterness in the other actually becomes the one afflicted.

Such is the case of the swinging saloon doors of justice!

Justice, like the Lord that owns and institutes all justice, is no favourer of persons. Play by the rules of justice and justice is your friend. Disobey the ancient way and you only have yourself to blame. These rules of justice comply with the same tried and tested cycles of sowing and reaping that have existed through all eternity. These rules are not about to change now.

***

What do we do with an ex-partner who is spewing poisonous and corrosive sulphuric acid all over you?

It’s not their fault that they are reacting in the fear of attack. Fear causes us to do silly things without thinking of the consequences. Their actions might be regrettable, even though they may never show remorse.

What are you to do in the midst of such an attack?

Well, we all ought to know this: It is impossible to defeat a “foe” who won’t return fire. By love we suffer daily injustices very well and we cannot be defeated. Against a former partner there is no defence or attack that is warranted as worthy; no, not one.

We are to respond in the wisdom of love, by failing to attack, by holding safe ground, by losing the initiative, by letting them win the conflict. When they win, so do we: that’s got to be our mentality.

The action with most value is the action of inaction, but an inaction that discerns the very thing that flushes the fire of abuse with something cooling to take the heat out of the exchange.

***

Unreasonable people don’t respond well to counterattack. The best weapon to fight any war with is love. Loving our ex-partners employs the wisdom of God to ensure neither they nor we lose. It is impossible to fight with someone who won’t fight back. Active forgiveness has strength about it that can only come from God.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Suffering Daily Injustices Very Well

WE DON’T suffer very well as a rule. We have so much rearing pride to deal with first – as our first, innermost response. Our thinking goes straight from the thalamus to the amygdala in what is known as an Amygdala hijack, so the higher order thought is bypassed. It’s little wonder we fight, take flight or freeze!

Employing our thinking brain (the neocortex) means slowing things down.

In regard to the injustices of life that press themselves against us, we need to know, that, by simply being aware of our distinctive reflex reaction, we can divert the hijack and allow thoughts to travel their God-intended pathway – so we may “see” properly, allowing our minds to perceive truth.

The truth is this: many things are set as traps against a reptilian mind that is also hindered by a selfish heart. We all have such a scourge against us: to rally against “an injustice” and allow ourselves free reign of response against it. This never works out well for us or for others.

We may all be tempted to flash off in visible anger, become quietly (and resentfully) annoyed, or take our chagrin out on the unsuspecting, because something doesn’t agree with our sense for justice.

Love is the Answer – Love is Always the Answer

It is hard to defeat a “foe” who won’t return fire. Such as it is for us when we suffer daily injustices very well.

Suffering well the injustices of daily life – like being moved from an office with windows to an office devoid of a view – is simple if we will choose to find the myriad blessings that remain, for they are there in plain view; the glory of God for all to see!

For every vagrant injustice, there are ten or a hundred beautiful fragrances of the Lord that remain; and nothing can snatch these from us!

When we can see with the eyes of truth – that there is much to be happy about – we will inevitably be enticed back into the practice and state of love.

Instead of responding by one of a number of varying fashions of annoyance – where our thinking is short-cut into hijack mode – we have the more attractive route to travel on: into the broadness of love – accepting the new reality, holus bolus.

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Injustices swarm with living intent every day. Annoyance (pride) is the typical response. Coming to a serene acceptance, in the mode of the injustice, is not only possible, but it’s the gospel way. By faith in Jesus we can suffer daily injustices not only well, but very well.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.

Reconciling a Heartrending Loneliness

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

― MOTHER TERESA (1910–1997)

There is far too much loneliness in our world.

Ever more so these days – in this day and age of modern convenience and technology and ease – there is a polarised sense of isolation. And one needn’t be single. So many lonely people are lonely in the busiest of places; in the noisiest of lives; in the ‘sanctity’ of marriage.

Loneliness is a manifestation of soul where the person is bereft of love. We can connect loneliness with a lack of experienced love. We may struggle to connect that we are loved; we may not see it.

First >>> Empathy, Warmth and Compassion

Reconciling a heartrending loneliness can be a challenge for anyone – married, single, divorced, never married, widowed, orphaned, the betrayed...

Anyone can be affected, and anyone can be so overwhelmed in their confusion: “Why, just why, am I so lonely?”

And anyone can be justifiably lonely. Yes, it is not to be selfish, pitiable, or ungodly to be lonely. To be lonely is to be connected to a heart-wrenching reality – a reality that identifies us as human.

Yes, human.

We have a need for connectedness. Of course, when we experience a soul-loneness, that sense of disconnectedness to our humanity seems obvious. We feel cut off from ourselves, because we feel cut off to an essential part of our humanity – the need for connectedness.

We must now connect with this vital truth: it is not selfish, pitiable (read, self-pity), or ungodly to be lonely. We must receive God’s empathy, warmth, and compassion – through these words, if necessary. Indeed, we might see how we are trying to honour God’s will in and through ourselves by being connected – to respond to our sense of soul-loneness.

God is calling our hearts to respond to this sense of aloneness: to search in hope.

Second >>> Moving Forward to Search – In Hope

It is to honour God to respond to his calling in your heart to be connected to your fellow humanity – to desire a partner, to hanker for friendship, to want to be connected to family; to enjoy your work relationships.

God wants us, most of all, to keep seeking – to not give up – but to do so patiently.

The only way we can do these things – to keep seeking, to not give up, but to do so patiently – is to invest in hope. Hope is a positive thing. It holds to ideals and visions and openness. Hope is always a good thing. Hope leads us to God as God leads us to hope.

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Being lonely corresponds to our need for connection – God made us this way. It is not selfish, pitiable, or ungodly to be lonely. It is God’s affirmation that something is missing. God wants us to search in hope – to not give up – to find our need of connection met. Hope will address loneliness. Hope.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.