Coronavirus, anxiety, stress, depression, your mental health

The present situation is shifting so rapidly it feels more like a horror movie than reality, and the general response of panic buying, and slow governmental responses worldwide isn’t doing a lot to help.

Everyone is forgiven for feeling anxious, if for no other reason than for the uncertainty that surrounds much of life right now.  It’s completely understandable to feel out of control.  Travel bans, social distancing, lockdowns, loss of jobs, livelihoods, life.  That list runs on.

For those who already have mental health ailments, this situation will only exacerbate your condition.  For those who are rubbing the edges of burnout or depression, the current state of play may well tip you into dangerous territory.  Keep yourself safe.

Then there are the rest of us, who, over the coming days, weeks and months may with little doubt tip over into the trial of self.  Hazard to say, suicide rates will spike.  We must prepare ourselves for the burdens to come, indeed those that are bearing down right now.

Here are some things to ponder as you endeavour to manage your mental health:

·                   Know that whoever you are, whatever you do or have done, what you have or don’t have, you are valuable just as you are!

·                   Practice self-care the best you can.  Make time for yourself and plan to do things that give you hope, that are enjoyable, that make you laugh, and that fulfil you

·                   Get a support network around you.  If it’s self-isolation, get connected through Zoom or Skype or some similar platform of video messaging.  Staying connected to people is vital for mental health

·                   Know that if you’re depressed or if you get depressed that you’re a normal human being, capable of being impacted mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  It’s no indication that you are weak or ‘less than’ anyone else, and indeed, it just shows you are human

·                   Stay as hopeful as you can.  List things you have to look forward to, and if there isn’t anything you’re looking forward to, keep thinking hard for what you can look forward to

·                   Don’t feel ashamed for not being able to cope, for needing to reach out, for having to rely on others when you would not want to

This current pandemic will probably be the biggest thing that will happen in our lifetime.  No matter how you cut it, this pandemic will not only infect hundreds of millions, possibly billions.

Even though the vast majority of us will recover, many of our older and elderly loved ones, and many other vulnerable people, are at acute risk of death.  That means the people we love.  There is much loss ahead of us.

As we read the words in real time it just has to impact us.  We wouldn’t be human if it didn’t.

We need to be gentle with ourselves when we regale with shock.  We need to be able to talk about how it makes us feel with sensible persons who will help us process our feelings and thoughts.  We need to be able to reconcile what we think and feel.

Sometimes humour helps.  If you can laugh, do so.  It may help save your sanity.  Whatever you do, know that you are valuable just the way you are, and you staying safe is very important.

 Photo by DANNY G on Unsplash

COVID-19... You’re not panicking if you’re concerned for your loved ones

It’s seems many people are a bit ticked off that people are panicking about the Coronavirus.

Let’s look at the facts.

Unprecedented actions are being taken by governments and organisations all over the globe.

The virus has killed over four thousand people.  Many more than that number of vulnerable people will die.  Most people will recover.

The rate of infection (new cases reported) is climbing every day.  The fast transmission of this virus is the main concern.

The “panic” is not just about the health impacts of the virus.  With the economic, social and hygiene ramifications alone, it’s complicated.

What we might deduce from these facts.

Containment measures are wise and sensible.  These are not “overreactions”.

The general public are wise to plan.  Anyone who has frail family members has the right to feel gravely concerned.

You don’t need to feel that you are “panicking” just because you’re caring for your parents or grandparents or family member with special needs or other susceptible person.

Indeed, it could be said that you taking this seriously might save their life.

If you are one of the vulnerable ones in our communities, you can be forgiven for feeling distressed.  Try to stick with factual sources of information.  And take good care.

Don’t be intimidated by people telling you, “Stop panicking!”

** My first degree is a Bachelor of Science from a School of Public Health, and I worked in the occupational health field for over 15 years.

Image from the Center for Disease Control.

Dysfunctional family dynamics to come in the face of COVID-19

Today I received an email from my son’s school forecasting the need for the school to prepare to send lessons home.  It is written in the tense of not if but when.  So much seems to have changed in just one day; a day we hear a cavalcade of considered business responses from all kinds of organisations cancelling events, trips, and planning for worse to come.

The impending reality is families will inevitably face more time together.  There are some significant social issues that will arise.

Presuming we love our families and that we love spending time with our families, even in these cases, it will be an incredibly challenging time.

We’re talking the wholesale removal of everyone from their contexts; employees from their workplaces and children from schools.

Of course, it’s worst case and that may not happen.  But as we watch from relatively (at present!) safe corners of the world, seeing numbers rise and the thought of the virus closer to us each day, we’re forced to reconcile that what always felt impossible to anyone other than an epidemiologist is spreading unfailingly and irrepressibly toward all of us.

The challenges for the family of a pandemic occurring like this are vast.  It’s not just that there will be more enforced time together, which can leave families feeling out of control and vulnerable in conflict, but there may be no way of leaving the home for respite.

Also, there is the situation that there will no doubt be limited resources and supplies available.  Add to this the fear of getting the virus, or the reactions of actually acquiring it, together with the stress placed on services pushed to breaking point that impacts families’ confidence in them, increasing their stress substantially.

Whenever we as humans feel caged, we can resort to insane behaviours because of the stress involved.  Stress begets conflict and conflict begets stress.  All of it contributes to the pain we feel of being out of control.

All these dynamics cause stress on families, and for those families already burdened by significant stress, it can be a burden to great, and the family structure can implode.  What occurs then is violence, even violent crimes.

For families who are already toxic by nature, the overflow may well be anarchy.

Those who are subject already to dysfunctional family dynamics may not plan for what is coming, and this will make it all the worse.  Everybody needs to plan for it, but dysfunctional families involve those who cannot and will not take responsibility for their lives, and they blame others to boot, creating even more tension.

Functional families will tend to begin their preparations now, and they may well find that their significant preparations are only barely adequate.  But at least they minimise the stress.

Families who have nowhere near as much agency will face extremely stress-filled circumstances in the coming days, weeks and months, and many myriad of horrors may take place as a result.

They might be ‘sorry’, but do they mean it in their heart?

In a world and a life where none of us can escape relating with people, there is a quality required of each of us as we interact.

Because none of us is perfect, each of us has the special responsibility to make good of those things we get wrong (as much as that’s possible) and to seek the forgiveness of those we have wronged.

Nobody is saved from this responsibility.  It’s a requirement of everyone.

There are those who do not get this concept.  They may feign their apologies, meaning they don’t really apologise.  They resist saying sorry.  They may never utter the words, or understand what they did, or have any desire to make it right.  They may therefore never seek forgiveness, because it doesn’t matter to them what your thoughts or feelings are.  They don’t care about repentance, because they are in the right in their own minds.  These kinds of people obviously cause a great deal of relational harm.

Then there are those who do say sorry, eventually.  They may seem to understand the gravity of what they did, eventually.  In understanding, they do seek our forgiveness, eventually.  They may therefore appear reluctant.  This doesn’t always mean they’re insincere or stubborn, but you could be forgiven for feeling they are.

Now, to the crux of the article:

How can we tell if they really get it, if they really see what they did wrong, if they can see what it was that hurt us and why, if they can see their need of our forgiveness?

This is such a penetrating question, and who truly knows what’s in a person’s heart other than them?  This article is an attempt to help us determine where their heart is at.

How can we check a person’s heart — their integrity and whether they mean what they say.

Well, true apologies are resilient.  They stick.

When a person is truly sorry, they stay sorry.  Their heart recognises they’re in debt and they know that the other person’s mercy is the only thing that will appease that debt.

In other words, their saying sorry, their appearance of regret, their seeking of forgiveness, all may simply be tested by a little gentle and kind push back on those very issues the apology is related to.

When I say a little push back, I mean we’re doing them the honour of taking them seriously, by giving them a hearing.

If we’re to accept the apology, we must ensure it’s real.  The gift of our forgiveness is to be esteemed and valued by them.  And whilst we’re commanded to forgive, such a gift can never be taken for granted.  The gift of forgiveness is costly!  It costs us.

It would be wrong to accept an apology and give our forgiveness if they didn’t mean their apology and they weren’t genuinely seeking our forgiveness.

At this point, we may have already been ready to forgive them in our hearts.  But we know they’ll learn very little, and possibly nothing at all, if we accept an untested apology.

We know when we’ve received an insincere apology by their response.  It seems we can all sense the injustice of a person having come to us thinking that their wrongs are easily excused.  We do want people to be honest.

If they’re sorry, they will behave like they’re sorry.  And they won’t stop being sorry just because we prob a little to determine if they’re really sincere.  Indeed, it’s in their response to our gentle and kind probing, in determining their sincerity, that will assure us of their real intent.  If they accuse us of being unfair or unforgiving for testing their apology, we have a problem.  They’re probably not sincerely sorry.

But...

How wonderful it is to receive a full, unreserved apology that stands up responsibly to a little scrutiny.  This adequately earns our mercy.  It is easy to forgive someone whose heart is contrite.

NOTE: if the wrong the person did is a very significant betrayal, it can take us a significantly long time to accept the apology and forgive.  Part of apologising in these circumstances is for the person to remain sincere and to trust that you will eventually accept their apology and forgive them.  They must remain sincere.

Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash

Conflict is an opportunity, especially in marriage

We speak in these times in generalisations, and there are always exceptions to every rule.  One rule we can stick to, however, is the concept that in every conflict there is an opportunity — the key one, to refuse the temptation to go down the slippery slope of attacking our partner or escaping whatever ails us or them and thereby never addressing anything.

The imperative with all this is at the extremes — attack at the extremities is assault, violence, murder, and at the other extremity of escape we have the equivalencies of violence that harm the self, and thereby harm others.

Mishandled conflict always has tragic consequences.

There is no place in the concept of the whole of our lives where this has more relevance than in the home and in marriage and in family life.  So much that happens in the home is hidden, and only those in the family know the struggles that are borne, the shames that are withheld, and the guilt to which some feel entrapped within — and there are those, too, who feel entitled to do as they damn well please who wreak devastation.

Anyone who has the capacity to see the opportunity benefit in conflict is a safer person to partner with.  If only they can visualise how conflict can strengthen the marriage and family and the individuals that make the family unit up — when it is worked through — there is indeed hope for life within the home.

But if a person cannot see the opportunity benefit in conflict, being that they can only foresee what they stand to lose and what they need to win, it’s hopeless for the rest of the family.  Each adult has an individual responsibility and each person has the capacity to influence the culture of the family unit as a whole — in every single conflict interaction.

If a person stands convinced that the opportunity benefit outweighs the cost of them sacrificing all their own way, the case for them is compelling, in that, selfish responses to conflict spell the death knell to hope for everyone.  But if one partner does this, they need the other to follow suit.

But if a person cannot see that there really is only one choice for hope, they insist upon journeying the collision course of divorce.

Every marriage partner can hope for cooperation in conflict.

It’s the central idea of love beyond differences in marriage.  Only love gets us beyond our differences.

If conflict is not seen as an opportunity — if a person or people do not have faith that there MUST be opportunity within conflict — then anarchy must surely arise, and chaos is their domain.

A marriage arrangement comes with these ideals, and marriage cannot survive let alone thrive where one party (or both) insist on their own way.  That’s not marriage.  That’s an island of selfdom.

It is for each of us in our conflicts to look up, to cry out to God first and foremost, and say, “God, help us, we’re making a mess of this, and we cannot sort it out without you.”

If both people in the partnership can do that — they can get the log out of their own eye — they can say their sincere apologies — they can agree to start over, to forgive and repent and make things right — the partnership is definitely made stronger.

The doorway through conflict to reconciliation is the passage to peace and the hope of life.

Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

It’s normal to feel sad, angry, upset, disappointed, fearful, betrayed, worried...

It’s normal to feel wonderful.  Joy is a capacity we all have.  Peace is a gift that we will all experience.  Love for all that is good.  But it’s also normal to feel those other things we don’t like to feel.

It’s normal to feel sad and to be tempted to cover it up, perhaps because you don’t want to feel vulnerable, or for fear that you’ll be judged.  It’s normal.

It’s normal to feel angry.  We all get angry, and much of it comes from a felt injustice, whether it’s right or wrong.  Listen to your heart; is it truly fear or sorrow or the feeling of being out of control?  To feel angry is normal.  It’s not sinful.  Be careful not to hurt yourself or anyone else though.

It’s normal to feel upset, which is possibly the first feeling you’ll feel as something horrid hits you.  Shock is a very normal human experience, even if it feels like death at times.  Find yourself absorbing the moment, not needing to DO anything.  It’s normal to feel upset when upsetting things happen.  It’s not sinful.

It’s normal to feel disappointed.  You set yourself a certain goal for a situation and it occurs without a thought, and so when the realisation of that goal dissolves into the ether — it’s gone and it’s not coming back — how can you feel anything else than disappointed?  It’s normal to feel gutted.  For days.  Perhaps longer.  It’s normal.  It’s not sinful.

It’s normal to be fearful.  We all have the capacity for fear.  Why on earth are we told “Don’t be afraid” so often in the Bible?  It’s precisely for the reason that we’re legitimately afraid on a regular basis.  It’s normal.  It’s not sinful.  Don’t let anyone make you feel ‘less than’ because you’re afraid.  The goal is faith and that’s a journey.  It’s normal to feel fear.

It’s normal in this relational life to feel betrayed.  It’s amazing how unimportant or miniscule the situation is, and yet we still feel it.  Then there’s the major betrayal you feel you’ll never get over.  It’s normal to feel disregarded and utterly abandoned.

It’s normal to feel worried, anxious, beside yourself.  Many situations and circumstances feel too big for us.  Nobody can rightly criticise us for worrying or feeling anxious.  If they were to love us, they would support us, listen and abide by our side.  It’s normal to be overwhelmed from time to time.

The last thing we need is to feel guilty or ashamed for these normal emotions.

Feel those emotions in the stillness of the troubling moment and reach out calmly as possible for support as you need it.

Whatever you do, don’t condemn yourself for feeling and don’t allow others to do that either.

Photo by Jasmina Rojko on Unsplash

12 ways emotional abuse is done and why, and what to do about it

As a follow-up to a previous article, I wanted to unpack the ideas presented and provide some thoughts and advice in response.

Examples of emotional abuse involve patterns of behaviour that include:

1.             ridiculing another person about when and how they express their emotions

People who do this are threatened in that they cannot control your behaviour.  When you’re “emotional” the fact of their lack of control over you is more than they can bear.  Where it’s safe to do so, kindly resist the ridicule by saying that it is inappropriate, rude and disrespectful.

2.             judging someone as being weak or inferior for being “too emotional”

This highlights a faulty belief system in the person doing the judging.  They probably won’t be or can’t be talked around.  People like this, especially in leadership, are dangerous.  If they’re a family member or marriage partner they’re saying they’re superior to you.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

3.             accusing someone of being in denial when they “don’t show enough emotion”

This is an opposite kind of emotional abuse.  It requires a person to be emotional when many people are more cognitive about situations, and that’s not fair, because there are many people who are just more cerebral about conflict.  It could actually be considered a strength.

4.             manipulating situations to cause an emotional reaction in someone

This is a really dark kind of behavioural pattern.  This is the effect that gaslighters are trying to achieve.  It is covert and deviant.  People who do this as a pattern are beyond help.  When this is done, the person needs to be called to account for their behaviour, but then watch them wriggle out of it or attack you.

5.             talking in ways or creating culture that discourages the expression of emotion

The word dictatorship comes to mind.  Stifling emotional expression will always backfire on a leader, but it will burn a lot of people first.  Marriage partners who cannot express their emotions may quickly develop anxiety disorders as a result.  Their bodies act out what is going on within.

6.             refusing to listen to someone when they’re emotional

This is either a safety measure or a control measure.  When it’s done for safety, there’s a genuine fear for harm, and that’s not abusive.  But when it’s done to control someone, saying they’re “emotional” is one way to deny them a hearing.

7.             calling someone names when they get emotional, especially names linked with the emotion they’re showing

This is flat out cruel.  It shows not only cruelty in the abuser, but it shows their lack of regard for empathy, and may reveal their acute lack of ability to transact with their own feelings.  At best, this is a lack of control and a lack of ability to control.  At worst, again, it’s just plain cruel.

8.             telling someone they’re not allowed to show their emotions, or worse, punishing them when they do

This is remarkably common in families and it is possibly the most visible emotional abuse.  Fathers and mothers do this, as do spouses, mainly husbands (but rarely a wife will oppress a husband in this).

9.             punishing a person by withdrawing emotional support when they need it and they could reasonably expect it (parent and child, for instance)

This is emotional abuse through neglect, which is a cruel form of abuse.  It is the withdrawal of all care and compassion.  It says, “You’re invisible to me!”

10.          making people feel guilty that they’re not enough or not doing enough

This abuse is a mirror!  What someone is really saying when they say someone is not enough is, they themselves feel they’re not enough.  It’s a boomerang effect.  It’s horrid when you know that no matter what you do it won’t be enough.

11.          telling people they’re wrong for making “everything about your emotions”

This is a polarisation that pushes people to the extremes.  It’s another control technique, probably brought out when the perpetrator feels least adequate and most out of control.  It is said to exasperate the victim.

12.          making people feel guilty or ashamed for feeling the way they feel

This can both be subtle or overt, and the subtler they do it, the more malevolent their purpose.  This is a way of blackmailing someone into doing what they want them to do.  It is emotional and mind control.  It is an erosion of the soul of a person.

Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash

Avoid relationships with those who constantly fight or flee in conflict

If conflict won’t make you fight or flee, you’re made for relationship.  That’s the good news.  Want to know who’s a good partner or how to be a good partner?  Don’t fight or flee when it comes to conflict.

Even though we WILL fight and flee — that these will be our natural default to conflict — if we overcome our initial response, we have the qualities of being a partner.

Not just that.  If we can cope with conflict in our lives with others, it makes us efficient and effective workers and relational contributors on the whole.

Fight and flight are, of course, part of the Four F Trauma typology (with Freeze and Fawn).  I think Freeze and Fawn are definitely trauma responses, whilst Fight and Flight are more likely to be straight-out conflict responses.  In other words, our typical response to conflict is either or both, Fight (attack) or to Flee (escape).

But, what about if we can’t do conflict well?

There are many people who are inept at conflict.  They deny or they fight.  They play the blame game, or they gossip.  They’d rather make light of differences than work through them, or use their personal power to manufacture outcomes that work their way.

The narcissist doesn’t play the game of conflict resolution.  They are not peacemakers.  Because that would involve give and take.  It would involve genuine negotiation and win-win situations.  These are the some who are not suited to effective relating.  They have the game on their terms and there’s no correspondence to be entered into.

None of us are expected to get conflict perfect.  As I said above, we will respond in the moment of conflict by escaping and attacking (arguing, not physical attacking).  But people with the capacity to relate overcome these urges within either minutes or a short time after that.

If a person is still in attack mode a day or two later, or they’ve withdrawn to the point where they still haven’t re-entered the relational space for an extended period, and either or both these ways of doing conflict are normal for that person, there is little hope for relating healthily.  (The exception to this is when there has been deep hurt done.  That can take a long time to come back from, but we’re talking betrayal, affairs and the like.)

The kind of relationship where conflict is never resolved aren’t much fun for both parties.  But one party will tend to drive these ineffective results.  We’re talking all kinds of relationships here.

Sometimes we find that one person’s reticence to do conflict or their inability to do conflict peaceably affects the other person who would normally do conflict well.  What happens is the conflict becomes entrenched, usually because the one who is capable of doing conflict decides they’re sick of doing all the work.

The overall point is this: we must watch out NOT to commit to relationships with people who cannot or will not do conflict.  These are people who will stay in fight or they will flee, and either damage results or nothing ever gets resolved.  Those who refuse to engage in conflict will frustrate those who seek peace.  Those who insist on fighting us for their own way as their norm will cause us too much grief for us to stay in the relationship long term.

Photo by Tom Parsons on Unsplash