They might be ‘sorry’, but do they mean it in their heart?

In a world and a life where none of us can escape relating with people, there is a quality required of each of us as we interact.

Because none of us is perfect, each of us has the special responsibility to make good of those things we get wrong (as much as that’s possible) and to seek the forgiveness of those we have wronged.

Nobody is saved from this responsibility.  It’s a requirement of everyone.

There are those who do not get this concept.  They may feign their apologies, meaning they don’t really apologise.  They resist saying sorry.  They may never utter the words, or understand what they did, or have any desire to make it right.  They may therefore never seek forgiveness, because it doesn’t matter to them what your thoughts or feelings are.  They don’t care about repentance, because they are in the right in their own minds.  These kinds of people obviously cause a great deal of relational harm.

Then there are those who do say sorry, eventually.  They may seem to understand the gravity of what they did, eventually.  In understanding, they do seek our forgiveness, eventually.  They may therefore appear reluctant.  This doesn’t always mean they’re insincere or stubborn, but you could be forgiven for feeling they are.

Now, to the crux of the article:

How can we tell if they really get it, if they really see what they did wrong, if they can see what it was that hurt us and why, if they can see their need of our forgiveness?

This is such a penetrating question, and who truly knows what’s in a person’s heart other than them?  This article is an attempt to help us determine where their heart is at.

How can we check a person’s heart — their integrity and whether they mean what they say.

Well, true apologies are resilient.  They stick.

When a person is truly sorry, they stay sorry.  Their heart recognises they’re in debt and they know that the other person’s mercy is the only thing that will appease that debt.

In other words, their saying sorry, their appearance of regret, their seeking of forgiveness, all may simply be tested by a little gentle and kind push back on those very issues the apology is related to.

When I say a little push back, I mean we’re doing them the honour of taking them seriously, by giving them a hearing.

If we’re to accept the apology, we must ensure it’s real.  The gift of our forgiveness is to be esteemed and valued by them.  And whilst we’re commanded to forgive, such a gift can never be taken for granted.  The gift of forgiveness is costly!  It costs us.

It would be wrong to accept an apology and give our forgiveness if they didn’t mean their apology and they weren’t genuinely seeking our forgiveness.

At this point, we may have already been ready to forgive them in our hearts.  But we know they’ll learn very little, and possibly nothing at all, if we accept an untested apology.

We know when we’ve received an insincere apology by their response.  It seems we can all sense the injustice of a person having come to us thinking that their wrongs are easily excused.  We do want people to be honest.

If they’re sorry, they will behave like they’re sorry.  And they won’t stop being sorry just because we prob a little to determine if they’re really sincere.  Indeed, it’s in their response to our gentle and kind probing, in determining their sincerity, that will assure us of their real intent.  If they accuse us of being unfair or unforgiving for testing their apology, we have a problem.  They’re probably not sincerely sorry.

But...

How wonderful it is to receive a full, unreserved apology that stands up responsibly to a little scrutiny.  This adequately earns our mercy.  It is easy to forgive someone whose heart is contrite.

NOTE: if the wrong the person did is a very significant betrayal, it can take us a significantly long time to accept the apology and forgive.  Part of apologising in these circumstances is for the person to remain sincere and to trust that you will eventually accept their apology and forgive them.  They must remain sincere.

Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash