Better boundaries than ever in COVID-19 and beyond

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say, “Let’s not go back to normal once coronavirus is gone.”  So I sense there is an opportunity in these times to move beyond the experiences that have so shackled us.

First of all, we must acknowledge how bad things got.  There are some who will read this who may not have felt much acknowledgement before.  They have been mistreated when they were people who could do nothing but respect others.  They were told things they should not have heard, and they saw things they should not have witnessed.

They were abused and traumatised because others had little or no regard for the boundaries that should’ve been respected in the first place.

If there is to be an article for all comers in terms of intimate relationships, it needs to cater for the married AND the divorced, because the divorced are just as fettered to the breaking of boundaries as they have ever been, and boundaries are the ongoing conquest of the married.

This is what the peacemaker in me says.  The following two statements may seem contradictory, but they work in tandem.

People must respect us because if they don’t and they get away with it we don’t love them.  This gives us permission to challenge people, not just because we have the right to challenge them when they disrespect us, but also, it’s because we believe in their capacity to love and change.

To believe someone can change, that they have the capacity to love us, calls us to a higher belief in what God can do, and it also puts the onus on them, because if they cannot do what we believe they can do, it’s no longer our problem.  It’s no longer about us if they’re narcissistic and seemingly beyond help.  We’re called to believe anyone can love us, until we see evidence that they can’t or won’t.

This leads us to the second statement:

Some people will refuse to honour our boundaries, and if they insist on continuing in this vein, we will need to change the nature of the relationship.  We are left no choice when people won’t respect our boundaries and engage in inappropriate behaviour and abuse that leads to trauma, but to change the play book in response.  This shows them that they are in control.  This demonstrates that their behaviour has cause and effect.  This reveals the power they have to control their own destiny as far as it comes to us.  We are being kind and considerate to do this.  And yet, just as much as they’re in control of their behaviour and respect or disrespect of us, we too are in control.  We mete out the consequences.

In the first statement there is a commitment to love that knows no bounds and that honours the truth.  In the second statement, there is such an honouring of the truth that we allow the truth to dictate the terms.  We worship God in spirit and in truth.  Our role is to abide in the truth.  And honouring the truth will set us free.

Boundaries don’t need to be about the breaking of the relationship, if only we won’t be goaded.  But if we are continually goaded the rules need to change.  And any of us can do this, but where we feel we can’t, that is the biggest red flag.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

12 ways organisations may be harming people in COVID-19

It is an understatement to say that everybody is under additional stress at present.  This includes managers and executives and boards.  In an age of unpredictable change, fear races to the front and may consume an otherwise healthy culture.

Certainly, in this age the more dysfunctional organisations will carry their people and teams to the brink.  What concerns me are the social factors on people’s mental health and the impacts on the family.

Here are just a dozen ways your organisation may be harming people in COVID-19:

1.             If you’re expecting as much as you normally expect out of them (and worse if you’re expecting more!), especially if you are overt about this, it is too much.  I say this because there are all sorts of other dynamics of change going on, and employers of choice recognise when their employees need to be cut some slack.  It’s time to be kinder than ever.

2.             If there is no way for people to give honest feedback about how they’re feeling, especially during an inherently stressful time such as this, you are forcing people to go underground.  Give them a way to be true to themselves and to honour you by making a way for them to communicate with you.

3.             If there is only one way communication flows, meaning downward, people feel less empowered, and possibly worse, hushed.

4.             If people would like to challenge the status quo — meaning they have worthwhile feedback — and feel they can’t, you have a situation on your hands that can only end badly if it’s not addressed.  It is the better people you have that will want to be honest with you.

5.             With the amount of change going on, one of the real risks is people are doing new things without training and support, and this causes an increase in anxiety where resentment easily rises, and mistakes are easily made — worse when the untrained and unsupported are blamed.  People need to be supported through change, not just have the changed arrangements thrown at them.

6.             If new procedures aren’t clear, don’t exist, or aren’t communicated clearly, how can people be held to account to them?  This is a management system basic that too many organisations get wrong.

7.             If you haven’t got the right gear for your people to wear or use, especially personal protective equipment, you aren’t just letting your people down, you could be in breach of the law.

8.             If you are not transparent about your relationships with the staff, including what’s not working, people will chat about it as a way to process it.  It would be better to be clear as well as to honour people as they leave.

9.             If people are working above and beyond, they deserve respect, recognition, and reward. If you are taking your people for granted it will backfire and everyone will lose as a result.

10.          If your people’s work is impacting on their family lives, especially at this time, the family will resent you, the employer.  More than ever this is your opportunity to be a family-friendly employer.

11.          If the changes that you have required have cost your people freedom within the ways they work, and the processes are awkward and cumbersome, there will be unintended consequences.  Don’t blame others for this.

12.          If you are not proactive in providing pastoral care support for your people, you may well be letting them down, when, of all times, you should be interested in the welfare of your people.

Photo by KOBU Agency on Unsplash

Remembering Kitty Genovese and acknowledging the Bystander Effect

I’ll never forget when I first learned about the bystander effect.  My role was to manage a behavioural safety system, and the psychology was important, because it had an impact on incident reporting, which is something safety practitioners are very passionate about.

Incident reporting, as it happens, is a crucial thread in the fabric of society.

In recent years my passion for the bystander effect has morphed a little more into the direct engagement of domestic abuse, but it truly has far-reaching applications.

The psychological theory is, the more people that witness a horrific incident, the less likely even one person will be to intervene.  It seems everybody is looking for everybody else to do the dirty work, but the dirty work in this situation comprises the risk of becoming personally involved, and the dirty work might just save lives and prevent or limit trauma.

We all hear angry and raised voices from time to time near our homes, and occasionally it may even be in our home.  If we are honest, we either don’t think much of it, or it piques our interest.  Neither motive is very helpful for a potential homicide victim, however.

Like many people, I have been a direct witness in several if not many violent attacks, and my standard response is to ring the emergency number.  We don’t always want to do that when it’s our next-door neighbour.  It can possibly make things much harder, even if they don’t find out who it is that called them in.

So what do we do when we hear screaming and shouting and other noises that lead us to become morbidly concerned for the lives involved? It’s not an easy one to answer.

Far too many children are direct witnesses of violence even adults should not be exposed to.  Violence does something to traumatise us, and once we have seen what we have seen we cannot undo what our senses have witnessed.

When it comes down to it, when we are faced with a crisis situation, an event is unfolding before our eyes, we all have an internal dialogue.  We all wrestle with what to do, and we are all tempted to tell ourselves that what we are seeing isn’t really happening. But, of course, it is happening. And every second counts.

There are clearly two different kinds of scenarios.

The first involves the common issue of an argument heard a few doors down.  It may die down after a few minutes or so.  Perhaps little if any harm is done.  It’s hard to know whether we should intervene in these cases, or even if it would be appropriate, and we err on the side of dignity.  “There are arguments in every home,” we tell ourselves.

The second scenario is clearer cut.  What we see we cannot deny, and the only choice left is do we intervene or not, is it safe to, and how are we to do that?  It can depend on many variables, but even being a man weighing 100 kg, I’m not always certain it is safe to do so, that I often find I work on instinct from my emergency management days.

If nothing else, we all have phones, and making an emergency call is the least we should do in the second scenario. Of course, when we make these calls, we do begin to feel we are getting personally involved, and it does feel like a risk, but we would want someone to do that for us.

The point of the bystander effect is this: if it were one of our family members being attacked, we would want anyone to make the emergency call into initiate the emergency response sequence.

COVID-19 realities far too many families are facing

Something we either hear about or we don’t — and some truly hear this a lot and others never do — is a reality that cannot be denied in these unprecedented times of coronavirus.

The problems within family may, on the surface, be resolved quite innovatively.  We see these stories profiled on our social media to give us hope, and not least a laugh.  These are good news stories.

They help us deal with the anxiety and grief that embody these times.

But an all too common trend in families, especially when it comes to dysfunctional families, is the toxic dynamics that are now very much exacerbated.

It needs to be said here, before we launch into the paroxysm of dysfunction, that there are so many families right now being pushed to the brink financially, medically and socially.  There are many more pressures on family right now.

Healthy families will be stressed.
Unhealthy families will be strained.
Toxic families will be at breaking point.
And to be fair, there are many healthy families who will also be pushed to breaking point.

What I’ve seen and what I know, and what is affirmed to me within online advocacy chats and groups, attests to the reality that there seems to have been a sharp increase in domestic violence, suicide (and more commonly, suicidal ideation) and addiction problems.

ADDICTION CAUSES VIOLENCE

A common denominator in these three issues often surrounds abuse.  Those toxic dynamics are very often caused by an underbelly of unresolved pain within the perpetrator, who is often high on drugs or belligerent with alcohol and is driven by obtaining and managing their supply.

Alcoholic and drug addicts (and so many are both of these at the same time!) very often behave as narcissists, because they must have their supply, and their insistence is their demonstrative entitlement and they’re so desperate that exploiting others to get their fix is their modus operandi; and this is a daily inescapable occurrence.  There is no empathy, because everyone else in the family exists as a pawn to perform at the whim of the addict, but guilt on the behalf of the addict may well be part of the cycle that has them so entranced in their addiction.  (This is true of any addiction, not just alcohol and drugs, but pornography and gambling are others to name only two poignant ones.)

The addict can never face the truth of their pain and trauma, and this is why they abuse substances, because they cannot deal with the pain of the resentments the drive them back to the bottle, bong, pipe and needle — or porn materials or the bank account, etc.

If their supply is cut off, watch out!  They may flip into a psychopathic rage in an instant, or they become driven to restore supply and enlist everyone in the service of that objective.

And I agree with what Marcie Hadley has said, that, “While addictions are a part of the picture, it is not the cause of abuse.  The abuser is the cause.”  The addict cannot excuse their behaviour because they’re an addict.  The addiction definitely makes the behaviour worse, but nothing is fixed unless they themselves take responsibility, and make amends, which takes the affirmative and concerted action of a program of recovery and is something until now that they have not done.  So, in fact, they are the cause.  This leads to...

LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY

The general issues of abusers, alcohol and drug abuse and other addictions aside, involve the abuser in blaming others at all times.  They cannot take their own responsibility.  It is beyond them to own up and apologise.  As for forgiveness, good luck with that!

The victim, on the other hand, is expected to apologise and to forgive, and this is most tragic in the very foreseeable circumstance that they have little to own about conflicts in the sweep of addiction or abuse in the first place.

This is one of the chief dilemmas of abuse; the abuser is to blame, but they turn the blame onto others, and others, simply to survive, must accept that blame or look out.

Their mood is king, and to keep the peace, everyone must become loyal subjects of such chaos. Wherever there is a disordered person in charge, there is tyranny within the family, and no escape for the innocents, let alone protection of innocence — especially in children.  In terms of morality, the absolute worst violence occurs to children, setting forth a movement of trauma through young lives that so often cannot be fully repaired, where a prolonged path to healing in adulthood is the only hope.  This violence is both direct to them, on their minds, bodies and souls, and indirect as they witness the horror of their kin being abused.

Then there are abusers who clearly are addicted to nothing more than power and control, and they lord it over the spirits of family members, some in the name of God!  Victims are gaslit into a corner, and are silenced for fear that they are the ones who are wrong.  But isn’t in that sort of power, when clearly this sort of perpetrator has little or none of the love of God in them.

All these issues were in play well before Covid-19 arrived, but the virus has brought all these poignantly to the surface, where perpetrators of abuse are more of a handful right now, and their victims are under so much more of a spirit of oppression.

For the victim, there is the frightening prospect of having nowhere to escape, which is more a reality now than ever.

They have less excuse to go out and get their respite — which up until now has been a creative necessity — because of the restrictions, and abusers can use these restrictions to control the family members they abuse very much more.

RIGHT NEXT DOOR OR DOWN THE STREET

These issues, if they’re not happening next door to you, are happening in your street, right now.  You may not even hear it, but statistically we know that there is so much domestic violence, partner abuse and child abuse happening.

Not everyone wants to be rescued out of violent situations, and sometimes they need to simply empathy and prayer.

Remember, we may not well understand why the patterns of violence continue unarrested, but what we can offer is to stand in the gap with the victim and simply be there for them — at least by prayer, and more if possible — but in the way they wish us to be.  This is a dignifying service.  They are the ones who decree the support they need.

One thing for sure, we cannot go in endeavouring to ‘fix’ things, because so often we have so little understanding of what is actually going on; all the dynamics.  We would actually be better off doing nothing than going in guns blazing.  But we should never underestimate the value of prayer.

Kindness never hurts

Kindness never hurts, so the people on the ‘receiving’ end always feel respected.  It doesn’t matter the divisions that separate us if we see the human being before us.  They, like we, are a child of God, and there is nothing to disdain about that.

Kindness never hurts, and so bold acts to bless never produce harm, unless by confusion and misunderstanding offence is taken.  But kindness gets a second chance through the gift of humility when one sees the hurt done as the golden opportunity to deepen the relationship.

Kindness never hurts in that regard.  It is committed to good works of grace to the glory of God in heaven.  It is the very manifestation of love which needs nothing else other than a pure faith that more kindness redoubles acceptance, and where a person feels accepted, they feel respected, they feel safe, valued, worthy, prized — and there is almost nothing a person won’t do for someone who is unyieldingly kind.

And yet, we do our kindnesses because we can, and because God gives us more reward now for what we’ve done than we could ever manage.

Our cup is filled to overflow when we see not the offence flung toward us, but the need in the other who feels they must attack for some reason sensible only to themselves.

We must help them, because we know it’s only in kindness that they will respond.  They deserve to feel at peace, and they deserve to know the kindness of the God we know.

Let’s say there is a person who has suffered, or perhaps their loved ones have suffered, and that has hardened their heart.  Anyone who is human will understand what it is that causes them to stumble.  We have all been there.  It is only kindness that will melt their heart.

Let’s say a person has faced abuse or been raped or been tortured or they’ve been oppressed.  Can’t we understand how their experiences would polarise their view?  Can’t we see how easily they might be triggered?  Can’t we attempt to acknowledge that they’ve been affected like we might if we’d suffered what they have?  It only takes a sensible human compassion of empathy to discover their worldview.

If we meet a person we have no clue about and they throw mud at us, why would we not ask, “What has been done to this person such that they would act like this?”  Could we not instead of responding in fury, simply show a little kindness, or if we’re feeling gracious, show a copious kindness that reeks of love?

The peacemaker is not afraid of conflict, and their love pacifies a ravenous misunderstanding through the mysterious purity of kindness.

They see not the threat, only the opportunity... to do a kindness that will bless.

What is there to lose in being kind?  An argument worth nothing to win?  Kindness is the true victory.  The best thing is because anyone can be kind, anyone can win the game that sees everyone win.  The great victory is one where everyone smiles.

When boundaries aren’t respected

As human beings we are creatures of habit and of comfort, and this can work for us, but it very often works against us.  Take the example of relationship dynamics where someone continually takes advantage of us and exploits opportunities at will.

They may even seem to have a penchant for it, and quite often we may stand astonished at just how effective they are at making us feel small, afraid, belittled, or controlled.

In all this is the field of boundaries, but boundaries that we know about in theory, but then have so much trouble putting into practice.  We try it one way and it falls on deaf ears.  We try it another way and we are met with stark resistance.  We try it one more way and we swear we will never do it again.

Wherever we are punished for instituting boundaries that are intended to uphold respect, we know without a shadow of a doubt we are in compelling territory.

A relationship that refuses the right of boundaries is a relationship that should not be.  It cannot be said any plainer than that.

The greatest test of a relationship, whether it is romantic or marital or employment-related or other, is the reciprocity that is available to both parties, acknowledging that relationships are always designed to work enshrouded by a principle of equality and fairness.

Even in relationships where there is an innate inequality, for instance employee and employer, the relationship dynamic is still meant to be equal in terms of respect, trust and the overall feeling of safety.

The point of boundaries is this: they indicate immediately where the no-go areas are.  As soon as the boundary is flouted, we have our answer.  So long as we continue to let the boundaries be broken, the abuse will continue to occur.

The only way the abuse stops is if, having communicated the boundary, we maintain the boundary.

If it doesn’t stop now, it never will.  If they’ve been allowed to continue the way that they have been behaving without account, they will continue to do so.

If you have instituted a boundary, and they refuse to go there with you, whether by agreement or compliance to the boundary, you have little choice but to escalate.

I know that perhaps you have avoided escalation, because it only brings more risk, not to mention the many very unfavourable consequences.  But the fact that you have to bear these consequences should be the starkest reminder of the dilemma that you face.

The more we put up with, the more we put up with.  The more transgressions we allow, the more transgressions we allow.

Sooner or later, if there is no hope for change, and we need to be more realistic here than ever, we arrive in the valley of decision.

The situation won’t change unless the situation changes.

Unless we take the initiative, having attempted to install boundaries, we will never win any respect, and if we are never to be respected, what is the point of the relationship?

When people are in toxic patterns they don’t change until they come to the precipice. Our boundaries are a warning to them that the precipice is near. If they continue to move past the boundaries, they stand to plummet over the edge, and for their own good, we should let them fall.

If the relationship has any chance at all, they must be allowed to fall.

Photo by Fabio Neo Amato on Unsplash

Trust is the path of life, cynicism the way of death

Conspiracy theories. One thing I know is they take our thinking way off track. They poison our minds with fear and rob our hearts of peace, hope and joy. Conspiracy theories are a bigger threat to our wellbeing than trust is.

Instead... let’s go to words penned over 1,950 years ago:

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters,
whatever is true,
whatever is honourable,
whatever is good,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is commendable,
if there is any excellence,
if there is anything worthy of praise,
THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS."
(Philippians 4:6-8)

There is ALWAYS something
true,
honourable,
good,
pure,
lovely,
or commendable
to notice.

In other words, it’s what we think about that drives our thoughts, our feelings, our actions. If we nurture cynicism, we become cynics. If we nurture trust, we become more sound of mind.

It is better by far to have a clear mind able to reason.
Cynicism poisons our ability to think reasonably.

With cynicism, we actually begin to see the evil that isn’t even there. Imagine that! With trust, we may not see all the evil to see, but we know we can trust God, right?

Finally, the most valuable thing I learned in three disciplines at three universities is the vastness of knowledge. We can only imagine the quantity and quality of the minds that speak of societal wisdom — a collective wisdom that is trustworthy.

So many people who know what they are talking about.
Yet we believe in our roughshod memes on Facebook.

It can seem too much for people to trust a system that is too big to understand, but isn't God too big to understand?

The best, simplest advice ever: trust God.

Perhaps the reason why we’re most tempted to consider conspiracy theories is we want the unexplainable explained.  We want neat albeit outrageous explanations for those things that will always befuddle us.

But God is a mystery as is a lot of life.

It is easier to believe a conspiracy theory than to trust.  But to trust is the path of life.

Photo by Rob Mulally on Unsplash

Watching for idolatry that manipulates then abuses

None of us is beyond this, but chances are we’ve noticed this more in others than ourselves.  So, let us observe it in others in order to study it.  Once it is observed, there is surely the sense of betrayal.  Empathy will suggest that others will feel these ways about us when our greed or envy has manipulated them.

But the experience of learning the deeper fissures of this abusive phenomenon can only deepen if we observe what it feels like to be on the receiving end.

If it hurts us, and it will, there are a few thoughts to have.  Among them are these:

·           if we harm another, we’re more likely to minimise the harm, as they may do when they harm us

·           if they harm us, we will be sorely tempted to harden our heart toward them, as they will be tempted to harden their heart toward us if we harm them

·           the impasse will continue so long as we don’t share a crucial conversation to confront the conflict

·           many such conflicts go under the radar and hearts do grow hard and ultimately cold

·           the trajectory of relationships on such a course is a downward spiral – not good

·           if the trajectory isn’t corrected relational breakage can and usually will occur

·           where there’s a power imbalance, the person with less power is likely to lose out most or completely – hence an abuse takes place

If we wish to have healthy relationships, we need to play our part and take account for our thoughts and actions.  We are also reliant on them doing the same thing.  The hope is that both us and them are conscious of the idols in our hearts – for we all have them.

The healthy spirit has good sense for the idols that captivate their heart.  In simply being honest, and in drawing to consciousness thoughts that reside in the subconscious and using a prayer like Psalm 139:23-24 is good for this, we can own up to our envious greed.

If we’re in fellowship with a person, a person we interact with at church or work or in a club we belong to or even a family member, and that person is being constantly elusive relationally, and being nice to us when it’s convenient, trust is jeopardised.  They appear to be on the take.  We may have sensed that we don’t feel safe.  If this is the case, we can try to flip this observation, and then imagine anyone for whom we might be the source of the same threat.

See what I’m doing?  At one and the same time, we’re becoming consciously aware of those relationships we don’t feel safe in, plus we’re seeking God to open the eyes of our heart to see if we’re a problem for anyone else.

I know many believe people manipulate people and situations intentionally, but it may not always be intentional.  Sometimes people aren’t conscious, or perhaps they choose to dissociate.  Either way, it’s dangerous whoever does it, because it is behaviour that isn’t accounted for, and anything can be done under that guise.  It does need to be confronted.

If we are the ones who are being manipulated, we can design boundaries, and if it’s abuse, we can plan our escape.

If it’s a case that we’re threatened somehow and we’re the ones who are manipulating others, we can repent of our behaviour and sort our attitude out.

Photo by Christian Fregnan on Unsplash