COVID-19 realities far too many families are facing

Something we either hear about or we don’t — and some truly hear this a lot and others never do — is a reality that cannot be denied in these unprecedented times of coronavirus.

The problems within family may, on the surface, be resolved quite innovatively.  We see these stories profiled on our social media to give us hope, and not least a laugh.  These are good news stories.

They help us deal with the anxiety and grief that embody these times.

But an all too common trend in families, especially when it comes to dysfunctional families, is the toxic dynamics that are now very much exacerbated.

It needs to be said here, before we launch into the paroxysm of dysfunction, that there are so many families right now being pushed to the brink financially, medically and socially.  There are many more pressures on family right now.

Healthy families will be stressed.
Unhealthy families will be strained.
Toxic families will be at breaking point.
And to be fair, there are many healthy families who will also be pushed to breaking point.

What I’ve seen and what I know, and what is affirmed to me within online advocacy chats and groups, attests to the reality that there seems to have been a sharp increase in domestic violence, suicide (and more commonly, suicidal ideation) and addiction problems.

ADDICTION CAUSES VIOLENCE

A common denominator in these three issues often surrounds abuse.  Those toxic dynamics are very often caused by an underbelly of unresolved pain within the perpetrator, who is often high on drugs or belligerent with alcohol and is driven by obtaining and managing their supply.

Alcoholic and drug addicts (and so many are both of these at the same time!) very often behave as narcissists, because they must have their supply, and their insistence is their demonstrative entitlement and they’re so desperate that exploiting others to get their fix is their modus operandi; and this is a daily inescapable occurrence.  There is no empathy, because everyone else in the family exists as a pawn to perform at the whim of the addict, but guilt on the behalf of the addict may well be part of the cycle that has them so entranced in their addiction.  (This is true of any addiction, not just alcohol and drugs, but pornography and gambling are others to name only two poignant ones.)

The addict can never face the truth of their pain and trauma, and this is why they abuse substances, because they cannot deal with the pain of the resentments the drive them back to the bottle, bong, pipe and needle — or porn materials or the bank account, etc.

If their supply is cut off, watch out!  They may flip into a psychopathic rage in an instant, or they become driven to restore supply and enlist everyone in the service of that objective.

And I agree with what Marcie Hadley has said, that, “While addictions are a part of the picture, it is not the cause of abuse.  The abuser is the cause.”  The addict cannot excuse their behaviour because they’re an addict.  The addiction definitely makes the behaviour worse, but nothing is fixed unless they themselves take responsibility, and make amends, which takes the affirmative and concerted action of a program of recovery and is something until now that they have not done.  So, in fact, they are the cause.  This leads to...

LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY

The general issues of abusers, alcohol and drug abuse and other addictions aside, involve the abuser in blaming others at all times.  They cannot take their own responsibility.  It is beyond them to own up and apologise.  As for forgiveness, good luck with that!

The victim, on the other hand, is expected to apologise and to forgive, and this is most tragic in the very foreseeable circumstance that they have little to own about conflicts in the sweep of addiction or abuse in the first place.

This is one of the chief dilemmas of abuse; the abuser is to blame, but they turn the blame onto others, and others, simply to survive, must accept that blame or look out.

Their mood is king, and to keep the peace, everyone must become loyal subjects of such chaos. Wherever there is a disordered person in charge, there is tyranny within the family, and no escape for the innocents, let alone protection of innocence — especially in children.  In terms of morality, the absolute worst violence occurs to children, setting forth a movement of trauma through young lives that so often cannot be fully repaired, where a prolonged path to healing in adulthood is the only hope.  This violence is both direct to them, on their minds, bodies and souls, and indirect as they witness the horror of their kin being abused.

Then there are abusers who clearly are addicted to nothing more than power and control, and they lord it over the spirits of family members, some in the name of God!  Victims are gaslit into a corner, and are silenced for fear that they are the ones who are wrong.  But isn’t in that sort of power, when clearly this sort of perpetrator has little or none of the love of God in them.

All these issues were in play well before Covid-19 arrived, but the virus has brought all these poignantly to the surface, where perpetrators of abuse are more of a handful right now, and their victims are under so much more of a spirit of oppression.

For the victim, there is the frightening prospect of having nowhere to escape, which is more a reality now than ever.

They have less excuse to go out and get their respite — which up until now has been a creative necessity — because of the restrictions, and abusers can use these restrictions to control the family members they abuse very much more.

RIGHT NEXT DOOR OR DOWN THE STREET

These issues, if they’re not happening next door to you, are happening in your street, right now.  You may not even hear it, but statistically we know that there is so much domestic violence, partner abuse and child abuse happening.

Not everyone wants to be rescued out of violent situations, and sometimes they need to simply empathy and prayer.

Remember, we may not well understand why the patterns of violence continue unarrested, but what we can offer is to stand in the gap with the victim and simply be there for them — at least by prayer, and more if possible — but in the way they wish us to be.  This is a dignifying service.  They are the ones who decree the support they need.

One thing for sure, we cannot go in endeavouring to ‘fix’ things, because so often we have so little understanding of what is actually going on; all the dynamics.  We would actually be better off doing nothing than going in guns blazing.  But we should never underestimate the value of prayer.