When an adult in a family abuses another

When I talk about death in this article, I talk about it in ways of repetition.  “How do you die more than once?” I hear you ask.  Well, there are as many ways and times to die as there are soul-destroying realities in the living of this life.

Let’s talk spiritual realities of life and death.

When we talk in terms of the abundance of life, the eternal life, the life of streams of living water, that Jesus came to give, we’re talking about the absolute opposite of a death we endure each time a life important to our own does things to take life from us.

Think of a parent who feels perfectly entitled in doing what they choose to do.  They will, of course, expect their children — yes, even and especially adult children, right through the lifespan — to serve their whims, which is anything they choose, simply because they bought their child into the world.  They abuse the child out of a right to do so, more as much out of ownership than anything.

It cuts both ways.

Some adult children turn on their parents, especially when they become frail.  As if holding out to some vendetta, they may disown the parent, or criticise or belittle them, or create havoc in the family.  All, again, out of some inordinate entitlement to do as they please.

Narcissism runs at the root of both these problems of family abuse.

The parent of the adult child who is now their own person has some enduring power over their young, and they will try it on until the adult child discovers their agency in saying, “Uh-uh, not any more on my watch... you have no right to do that and hurt me and others more.”

It always feels cold to the empath to need to do this, but in refusing to look for healing at the feet of the one who broke us, we find we have acknowledged a powerfully perennial truth.  Healing will never come until we take hold of it in both our capable hands.

The adult child who just seems to live to hurt their parent is belligerent.  Let’s not let gaslighting exist in this space for the narcissist parent though.  The adult child who lays waste their parent in a pattern of hurt exists as a constant threat always outdoing themselves in the offensive.  Theirs is the right to ‘pay’ the parent back for the failures of the parent, which truly is the wickedest vengeance.

For a parent under such tyranny to expect compassion is ludicrous.  Healing cannot come through the source of narcissistic abuse, only more horror and terror and destruction.  It is better to takes one’s agency, to decide it’ll never change and to implement the change one can.

There is no sense in grovelling at the feet of one who will just break you again and again and again.  There’s no healing in that.  No healing whatsoever.

But healing comes in the acceptance that a narcissistic parent, son or daughter has made their choice and so can you.