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Friday, April 24, 2020

When COVID-19 grief complicates already complicated grief

Most profound grief is complicated, involving layer upon layer, truth upon truth, grief upon grief, and without doubt ambiguous loss is very common.  If you’ve loved and you’ve lost, and particularly where trauma was part of the process, as it so often is, you may well be struggling more than you thought you would be right now.
When I talk about ambiguous loss, I think of loss that has not had any sense of finalization about it, or where there was finalization it either took a long time or that finalization wasn’t complete.
Ambiguous loss is loss we experience without the full measure of reality, and though that might seem a better deal than concrete loss, it is actually much harder, because you don’t know where to ground your reality.
Initially, when COVID-19 started, I tended to imagine that those who had experienced sharp and deep grief would be better prepared for the losses that were to come.  Whilst I think it is not untrue, I have come to realise that the positions of those who have grieved are far more complicated than that.
Initially, someone who had an anxiety disorder may have felt a little more normal in a society experiencing much anxiety.  Certainly, that was what I was hearing.
But somehow the present realities, no doubt they are hard on everyone, seem possibly hardest on those who are presently on the grief spectrum, and those who have experienced the complicated grief of ambiguous loss have been affected too.
COVID-19 has more of a mark of ambiguous loss about it than just about anything so common in its nature.  Just another way it is unprecedented.  This is why those who have experienced complicated grief will find COVID-19 such an enormous challenge.
It’s because it brings back very dark memories that seem to have been etched into the fabric of a person’s soul.  What seems least fair of all has cruelly become a reality for so many people.
·      If you have a parent or a grandparent in care and they are dementia patients, and you cannot visit them, there are all sorts of dilemmas presently being experienced — on top of a situation that spelled d-i-l-e-m-m-a.  Simply acknowledge how tough this is on yourself and others.  It doesn’t make the situation easier though.
·      If you have children who are possible prodigals in the future, perhaps with drug problems, and you don’t know where they are, that stirs up a whole lot more confusion than before.  As you have been doing, continue to give them over to God’s care.
·      If you are presently estranged from the partner you love, and though you hold out to hope even if there is no hope, you may despair more than ever right now.  Keep trying to grow in faith during an impossibly painful time.  I can tell you, your faith will grow.
·      If mental illness has ravaged us or a loved one, and this present season of COVID-19 has messed it all up even more, the possibilities ahead will be frightening.  There is no point in denying it, so please seek the peace of support.  New opportunities of support may be just on the horizon.
·      If we don’t know if we will see our elderly parents or grandparents ever again, worried that they will get COVID-19, that sort of ambiguous loss is enormous.  Be more prayerful than ever.
·      If you’ve lost your job and have little or no hope of finding further employment, and for a whole range of reasons the future looks dim, this sort of ambiguous loss can create the instant hunger of panic.  More than ever, believe you’ll have food on the table and a roof over your head, and know that faith will get you through.  Remain committed to being healthy as ever and prepared for the opportunity when it comes.
·      If you were in the opposite situation, and you’re feeling burned out, underappreciated, and even at risk, acknowledge the complicated grief involved in your work situation.  If you can, as a distraction to your busy life, plan a little joy for the future.

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